Thursday, September 08, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Both Democrats and Republican party officials are expressing fears about a possible “rigged” election in November. Apparently they want to return to the good old days when elections were determined by faulty ballots and a Supreme Court decision.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has endorsed Hillary Clinton for President. He figures the fact that she makes $200,000 a speech means she is right on the line of the economic group who can afford to be a regular customer at Starbucks.

A paper says Millennials are more conservative than previous generations. Mostly because they know a simple lifestyle is best when facing paying off $100,000 in college tuition loans over the next 40 years while working at a minimum wage job.

An expert says the planet is closer to World War III than anytime in the past 60 years. That’s old news. Donald Trump received the Republican nomination for President back in July.

A California school has notified parents that two students may have leprosy. Which is just more bad news coming in the wake of the recent plague of locusts and three days of darkness.

Children in a town in England were sickened when a cannabis farm erupted into flames. Not only that, it took firefighters three days to stop giggling and eating pizza before they finally got around to putting out the fire.

A 91 year old writer says he will sue the Oscars for threatening to take away his vote on the grounds of industry inactivity. Which means if they use that standard on everyone, there won’t be a single Oscar vote cast by any women over 30.

A report says 1 in 6 men of working age have no job. What’s even worse is that in this economy, the working age for anyone expecting to someday retire is now between 15 and 93.

A 70 year old man accused of robbing a bank in Kansas says he would prefer jail to living at home with his wife. The worst part is that when he gets assigned his cell he might be the one who becomes a wife.

A charter airlines copilot is being charged in federal court for being drunk before a flight out of Traverse City, Michigan. The copilot’s defense is asking the court “Have you ever been to Traverse City?”

A charter airlines copilot is being charged in federal court for being drunk before a flight out of Traverse City, Michigan. The good news is the appearance also counts as a job interview to start flying for United.

Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte’s recent outbursts have reportedly caused stocks there to plummet as foreign investors pull out. Or as Democrats are calling that, the first preview of the Trump Administration.

Donald Trump says he is planning an expansion of all areas of the military when he becomes President. He will put the move under his economic policy as that is now officially his program to reduce the national unemployment numbers.

Donald Trump says he is planning an expansion of all areas of the military when he becomes President. Apparently his idea to “make America great again” means going back to the days of the Great War.

An AirAsia plane bound for Malaysia from Australia was programmed with coordinates that ended with it landing on the wrong continent. United Airlines stuck up for AirAsia, saying mathematically speaking there is a 1 out of 7 chance of that happening on any flight.

The Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy grew modestly over the summer. Which is an improvement over 2007 when “modest” growth meant anything less than a 10% drop.

Priceline has dropped its “name your own airfare” feature on picking flights. Mostly because passengers found it was being offset with the airline’ “guess how much we are sticking you with for additional fees?” feature.

Syria has released Youtube videos touting the country as a vacation hotspot. For one thing, Pokemon Go players have no trouble finding the characters who find it difficult to hide in any of the bombed out buildings.

Syria has released Youtube videos touting the country as a vacation hotspot. However, the State Department continues to warn of the threat of kidnappings, murders and bombings. To which Detroit is saying why vacation abroad when you can have all of that and more without ever leaving the country?

A report says smoking and obesity causes $257 Billion in lost economic activity a year. Although on the other hand, the upside is that has resulted in huge gains for investors in McDonald’s, Burger King and any funeral homes.

Obamacare has pushed the nation’s uninsured rate to a record low 8.6%. Which means the other 91.4% now can rest easily knowing they can get medical care by taking out a second mortgage to afford the outrageous monthly premiums and work another job to get past the astronomical copays and deductions.

A study says people with sleep apnea are more likely to fail a simulated driving test. The only good thing is that they are kept from falling asleep at the wheel by being constantly awakened by each new text message they receive.

A study suggests there is a link between air pollution and Alzheimer’s Disease. Although people in L.A. say they don’t get lost driving because the pollution gets into their lungs, it’s because the smog obscures all the street and freeway signs.

A study says doctors spend half their time at the office doing paperwork. And that’s just going through their monthly billing from the country club, Mercedes Benz dealer and investment brokers.

A study says doctors spend half their time at the office doing paperwork. Mostly just making sure their patients get the prescriptions for enough opioids to keep them from coming back to the office to complain about every little pain they have.

A study says that economic recession can take a toll on people’s health. Which means it’s a good thing the recession didn’t last long and we have been mostly in a full blown depression since 2007.

A café in Australia is offering a coffee that is 80 times stronger than espresso and can keep people up for 18 hours. Warning signs that it could be too much include shakes and sweats, dilated pupils and nausea. Which are also the same symptoms experienced by coffee drinkers at Starbucks after they get their bill.

Scientists say they may add a sixth basic taste, starchiness. The taste is experienced by most people when they are eating rice or pasta, or those times when they catch themselves chewing on the collar of their dress shirt.

A report says 1 in 5 samples of seafood are mislabeled. Especially the ones found at Red Lobster that are mistakenly labeled as “seafood.”

$3 Million in jewels were reported missing from rapper Drake’s tour bus. His entourage was just glad that whomever stole the jewels didn’t know where they were stashing all their drugs and guns.

$3 Million in jewels were reported missing from rapper Drake’s tour bus. Which brings up the question as to why anyone was bringing $3 Million in jewels on a bus trip?

$3 Million in jewels were reported missing from rapper Drake’s tour bus. Apparently the person who owned them thought they were traveling by plane and wanted them along to trade for inflight drinks and a sandwich.

Madonna and ex-husband Guy Ritchie have finally resolved their custody dispute over their teenage son. Apparently they wanted to finally put aside their differences and settle the issue before it was complicated by the arrival of grandchildren.

A study says that inequality in Hollywood has not changed, with women, gays and minorities still finding themselves on the outside. Which they really don’t mind seeing as how the inside still has a place for Mel Gibson.

Ryan Lochte has been suspended for 10 months by the USOC and USA Swimming. Which will be just about the right amount of time for him to finally get his story straight about what actually happened in Rio.

Tiger Woods is targeting October for his return for golf. That will give him a little more than a month to get in shape before his traditional Thanksgiving Day dinner with 15 of his girlfriends before crashing his SUV into a tree.

Cleveland Browns quarterback Robert Griffin III was voted captain by his team. He was picked because his teammates felt he is a standup person, as opposed to former quarterback Johnny Manziel who usually showed up falling down drunk.

The iPhone 7 was just introduced, and people are already speculating that the iPhone 8 will have major changes. Which means the iPhone is quickly becoming the Apple version of Windows.

The U.S. is warning Russia to back off on their hacking. Which while lame and embarrassing on some levels is still a lot better than the days when our differences used to always involve the threat of nuclear war.

The University of California is reportedly sending some IT jobs to India. Which means all the students there who are majoring in computer science had better get used to the idea of developing a taste for curry.

Costa Rica has been running on renewable energy for 76 straight days. The U.S. has been working on a similar program. If we could just figure out a way to get away from using natural gas and instead capturing the energy from the earthquakes caused by all the fracking.

Costa Rica has been running on renewable energy for 76 straight days. Or as renewable energy is called in the U.S., the next invasion of an oil rich Middle Eastern country.

Donald Trump says the U.S. must beef up its cyber muscle. Not for any sort of national security, but just so the FBI can have the firepower to dig up more of those missing Hillary Clinton e-mails.

A new smart belt tells people if they have eaten too much. Mostly when the person wearing it finds out after a couple of months it can only be used as a bracelet.

A new smart belt tells people if they have eaten too much. The first sign is when it runs out of room after being threaded through only the third belt loop on their pants.

Donald Trump suggested that if he is elected President he will fire some generals. Starting with the ones who just signed the letter of support for Hillary Clinton.

Green Party presidential nominee Jill Stein is being charged with criminal trespassing and mischief for actions during a protest. Which shows she may not be ready for the national stage when compared to the other candidates who are being accused of bribery and fraud and the most she can come up with is “mischief.”

A poll says the New York Yankees are the most popular baseball team in Florida. Which makes sense seeing as how the entire bullpen came over on the same raft flotilla as half the people in the southern part of the state.

IRS head John Koskinen defended himself against members of Congress who want to impeach him. Others are suggesting instead of a trial to just treat him like the IRS would and take all his money after throwing him in jail.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s that awkward time in sports, when baseball is winding down, football is gearing up and Ryan Lochte is still trying to explain what happened to him at that gas station. Which is why the approach of autumn is always one of my favorite times of year. In fact, my jokes have been compared to the discolored and fragile leaves that will soon fall off the trees and be turned into mulch that will be returned to the ground. Such lovely images. And nothing adds to that as much as when you all remember to keep on sending the love!



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