Wednesday, September 07, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Donald Trump says an emphasis on extremely low interest rates by the Federal Reserve has created a “false economy.” Although it is still better than the real economy we had back in 2007.

Google cars will have technology that will allow them to be able to detect the exact location of police cars. Mostly through a GPS system that can immediately determine how far it is to the closest donut shop.

A study says a four day work week may be bad for a person’s health. Mostly because that schedule will allow them to park it on the couch and wash down junk food with beer while watching TV three days a week instead of just two.

An Ohio man is accused of egging his neighbor’s home 100 times over the course of a year. Apparently he was just trying to get into character for his career as a Justin Bieber impersonator.

A school district in California has warned parents there are two students who were diagnosed with leprosy. The cases were discovered when one of the students said they would give their left arm for an “A” and they did.

A school district in California has warned parents there are two students who were diagnosed with leprosy. Although as far as the kids were concerned, it is nowhere near as bad as being outed as having cooties.

A school district in Riverside County, California has warned parents there are two students who were diagnosed with leprosy. The good news for the kids with the illness is that living in Riverside County means it would be redundant for them to be banished to the desert.

A study says sex raises the heart attack risk in older men. Especially when the man and his partner are caught in the act by his wife.

A new book says Bruce Springsteen suffers clinical depression. Mostly because there is a lot of pressure and expectations when you are The Boss.

A Turkish official says the U.S. was not complicit in plotting the recent coup attempt. Mostly because officials here are more concerned about preventing the same thing from happening in America if Donald Trump is elected President.

Fox News has reportedly settled a sexual harassment case with former anchor Gretchen Carlson against former CEO Roger Ailes for $20 Million along with an apology. Details of the case allowed women all over the country to simultaneously scream out “Ewwwww!”

A Christian website is predicting the world will end in 2017. Which is no big revelation as most people even know the date, which will be January 20th right after Donald Trump takes the oath of office.

A report says cash piles accumulated in recent years by U.S. companies have been shrinking. Mostly because even while profits and productivity may be dropping, there is no way that executives are going to miss out on the grab bag they know as their annual bonus.

A study says young creative types earn less money but save more than their peers in the financial industry. Mostly because the people in finance know if they run low on cash there are always new opportunities to find ways to just steal more.

A report says apartment renters are tending to stay put, with 53% of them renewing their current lease. The other 47% prefer to keep the mobility they currently have living in their 1996 Monte Carlo that can be parked in a different location every other night.

A California woman gave birth without knowing she was pregnant, thinking she just had a stomach ache. Although if she thinks that was bad, just wait until the headaches she experiences when the child becomes a teenager.

A California woman gave birth without knowing she was pregnant, thinking she just had a stomach ache. Doctors are going to monitor her as this could be the first documented case of indigestion that goes on for at least the next 18 years.

A study says air pollution particles have been found inside the human brain. Which means that when some people complain about being in a mental fog it may actually be a case of smog.

A study says air pollution particles have been found inside the human brain. Which now clarifies exactly what it means when people say they are in an “L.A. state of mind.”

The woman who received the first face transplant 11 years ago has died at age 49. It was the first case of a person telling their surgeon to put on a happy face.

The woman who received the first face transplant 11 years ago has died at age 49. The woman received the designation because she got the entire face at once as compared to getting the eyes, nose and lips in separate procedures by Cher.

A study says alcohol along with a heart rhythm disorder can increase the risk of having a stroke. Which is good news because the stroke is easier to recover from than the effects of alcoholism and heart problems.

Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston have reportedly broken up after three months. The sad part is he found out in the usual way, with Swift announcing she had just put together enough songs for a new album.

Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston have reportedly broken up after three months. People can now use the time between her next relationship to answer their biggest question, “Who is Tom Hiddleston?”

Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston have reportedly broken up after three months. This means now that Swift has gone through the A & B List celebrities and is working on the C List, it won’t be long before she is done with that and David Spade may finally get his shot.

Chevy Chase has reportedly gone back into rehab for a “tuneup.” Apparently he started drinking again after watching a DVD someone gave him of reruns of “The Chevy Chase Show.”

Green Day has announced its “Revolution Radio” tour. Which is really big news for anyone still living in 1996.

Green Day has announced its “Revolution Radio” tour. To which everyone under 40 is asking “What’s radio?”

Former One Direction member Zayn Malik canceled a concert because of extreme anxiety. Mostly over the fact that no one is buying tickets to go see any Zayn Malik concerts.

Former One Direction member Zayn Malik canceled a concert because of extreme anxiety. People can’t understand why he is nervous over a solo performance. It is so much easier for a solo performer to lip sync than to have to match up with four other people.

The story of One Direction called “Boys is set to become a TV show that follows the ups and downs of being in a boy band. Didn’t we already have that? It was called “The Monkees.”

Mark Cuban says if Donald Trump becomes President the markets will tank. Mostly because his first executive order from the White House will be to only allow any products with the name “Trump” to be sold on the New York Stock Exchange.

A study says Facebook makes people as happy as getting married. Which they have the chance to do again once their wife sees who they are chatting with on Facebook and files for divorce.

A British Airways system glitch caused global flight delays. Or as they call those episodes over at United, “right on time!”

A software startup lets bosses see a score of how happy their employees are with their current job. The sad part is the most unhappy workers are the ones working for a company that gets people fired when they rat them out for hating their work.

A study says men think going green makes them seem like wimps. Although there may be some truth to that. When is the last time you saw a Raiders bumper sticker on a Prius?

An Israeli space communications company is demanding SpaceX give them $50 Million to pay for a satellite that blew up in a rocket explosion or give them a free flight. Which SpaceX has agreed to since they made way more than that just from Youtube residuals from the hits of the SapceX video of the rocket explosion.

An Israeli space communications company is demanding SpaceX give them $50 Million to pay for a satellite that blew up in a rocket explosion or give them a free flight. To which NASA is saying “Yeah, that’s a good one!”

NASA is set to launch an asteroid sampling mission this week. The military is interested in the launch because if oil is discovered on the asteroid there may be a call from energy company executives to invade.

The House has passed a bill to move oil lease sales to the Internet. Leave it to Congress to put the future of our energy dependence into the hands of the people at eBay.

Donald Trump says if he is elected President he will give the Pentagon 30 days to come up with a new plan to beat ISIS. Which means he has finally revealed his secret plan to beat ISIS, give the military a suggestion box and a few weeks to fill it up.

A report says the shutdown of ITT Tech schools could cost taxpayers $500 Million because of unpaid student loans. Although it turns out that is still less than the eventual cost if Donald Trump wins the White House and replaces Common Core with the itinerary of Trump University.

A study says women ask for pay raises as often as men but are more likely to be turned down. Which is the good news in this presidential race as whomever wins will end up taking a pay cut over the next four years.

Shaquille O’Neal says he only played at 30% of his real game during his career. The other 70% was when he was at the free throw line.

The father of the bride from South Carolina died from a heart attack after dancing with his daughter at her wedding in Costa Rica. The cause of the heart attack was getting the bill for flying everyone from South Carolina to Costa Rica for a wedding.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Once again, I hate to say this but there are people who are stealing my jokes. Now this blog is meant for the entertainment (no matter how small) of the people reading the jokes here and is also for anyone in radio or other professions who like to throw in a few jokes for their listeners or audience. If you are a writer who is getting paid for your work, great. Just make sure it is YOUR WORK. I have been alerted to people swiping my stuff and I hear it all the time on certain shows. If you are going to use my work for direct payment, either give me credit or send a few bucks in for having me do your job. I do this for fun and certainly not the money and it is a labor of love. I feel less love when I see someone taking advantage of my work. Just be aware I know who some of you are, and you may be hearing from me soon. As for the people who are on this blog for the right reasons, I hope I instead hear from you when you remember to keep on sending the love!


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