Monday, September 05, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says more businesses are going cashless. Pretty much just like most their customers have been since 2008.


The FBI says aspiring agents are learning from the bureau’s “shameful” investigations of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. that included wiretaps, abuse of power and harassment. Those who learn the techniques the fastest are then transferred over to the NSA.

A skyscraper in Los Angeles has taken the title of the tallest building west of the Mississippi River. It is so high that if the weather conditions are just right people on the top floors can actually see over the layer of smog.

An expert is warning that humans could become addicted to sex with robots. Which isn’t hard to believe seeing as how addicted Anthony Weiner has become to his smartphone and Twitter app.

A report says the world’s largest gorillas are “one step” from becoming extinct. That one step being a transfer to the Cincinnati Zoo.

A study says a lack of sleep is being linked to obesity in children. Especially the ones who spend every night staying up until 3:00 AM parked right in front of the refrigerator.

A study says taxpayers are covering the cost of 70% of the health care tab in California. Mostly because the residents there don’t have anything left to budget for doctor visits once they pay the mortgage, make the car payment and pay off part of their kids’ college tuition loans.

A study says taxpayers are covering the cost of 70% of the health care tab in California. Which is a good thing because the patients alone would never be able to pay enough to cover the cost of the doctors’ new Mercedes Benz, annual European vacation and summer beach house.

Obamacare is debuting a “simple choice” plan for 2017. It’s pretty much like the choice everyone has for health care these days. You can choose to spend money on health insurance, putting food on the table or a roof over your head.

A study says 56% of parents admit they check their cellphones while driving. Remember the days when people were only distracted while driving by all the noise their kids were making in the backseat?

A study says 56% of parents admit they check their cellphones while driving. Mostly because checking their texts and e-mails is the only way they can communicate with their kids anymore.

The FDA has banned the sale of many antibacterial soaps. Apparently the chemicals inside may be harmful and the government wants to wash its hands of any responsibility.

A plastic surgeon in England says the perfect face consists of Keira Knightley’s eyes, Kate Middleton’s nose and Penelope Cruz’ lips. Which is exactly the face that Cher had done back in 2012.

A plastic surgeon in England says the perfect face consists of Keira Knightley’s eyes, Kate Middleton’s nose and Penelope Cruz’ lips. The sad part is that all of those features mean nothing if they are done on someone with a set of British teeth.

A study says fried, grilled or baked foods may increase the risk of developing diabetes. Which is nice timing to tell everyone right after they finish up the Labor Day holiday weekend.

A study says people are less interested in working to make money while high on pot. Which doesn’t matter anyways since who is going to hire a stoner for a job that pays anything in the first place?

A study says people are less interested in working to make money while high on pot. At least until they can’t find any more pizza slices under any of their couch cushions.

Health experts say that running and walking in the water are excellent exercises. Finally some good news for the people of New Orleans.

Health experts say that running and walking in the water are excellent exercises. Although if that is true you would think that Ryan Lochte would have been in good enough shape to outrun a couple of gas station security guards.

A report says a long daily commute can be detrimental to a person’s health. Although to most people only the part of the commute that is taking them into work seems long.

 A report says a long daily commute can be detrimental to a person’s health. But mostly just for the people who get off the freeway to stop at a Starbucks, McDonald’s Burger King and Wendy’s going both ways.

A report says the obesity rate fell in four states last year; Minnesota, Montana, Ohio and New York. Not because anyone lost weight, but because people there finally got tired of living in the cold and raised the obesity rate in Florida by 50%.

Colin Kaepernick’s jersey sales have gone through the roof since his controversy of not standing during the National Anthem. Mostly because fans can relate to someone who just wants to act like them and sit without moving for three hours every time they put on any NFL apparel.

A report says a government shutdown is possible in the next three weeks. Which isn’t bad as it would pretty much just be a preview of what will happen over the next four years if either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump is elected President.

A report says Tencent is the most valuable company in Asia. Which is sad because most American companies just wish they were worth a dime.

A report says Tencent is the most valuable company in Asia. When the term “Tencent” is used concerning an American company, it means investors hope they can get a dime back on their dollar when it goes bankrupt.

A survey says that the safest drivers in America are in Madison, Wisconsin. Mostly because the data is based on insurance claims which no one makes after an accident because their cars there are completely rusted out from all the winter road salt.

A European Union representative admits the $15 Billion tax on Apple was political. Mostly because what politician could resist the opportunity to get their hands on another $15 Billion?

A Russian blogger could be jailed for years for playing Pokemon Go inside a church. People around the world are being urged to help by saying a prayer to St. Pikachu.

A study says more than a quarter of American renters are paying more than half their gross income on rent. Mostly because they can’t afford to buy since the other half is going to pay off their college tuition loans.

A study says the standard of living ratings have been rising during President Obama’s time in office. Mostly from the people who have finally been able to afford to move out of the 1996 Ford Taurus they have been living in since the George W. Bush Administration.

An asteroid has been named after the late Queen frontman Freddie Mercury. Which seems like a bit of a demotion since they could have just said they named the planet after him.

“Star Trek” has turned 50 years old. Which means it is still 23 years younger than the hairpiece worn to this day by William Shatner.

Vandals damaged the likeness of Justin Bieber that was part of a sand sculpture at the New York State Fair. The only question is, how could anyone tell?

Vandals damaged the likeness of Justin Bieber that was part of a sand sculpture at the New York State Fair. Ironically, the sculpture featured Bieber in a pose throwing eggs at his neighbor’s house.

Chris Brown’s lawyer says that no guns or drugs were found in his house after he was arrested for reportedly assaulting a woman. Which basically means that Brown no longer feels the need to be high or armed when he threatens someone.

Amy Schumer’s new autobiography has had disappointing sales in the first weeks on the shelves. Which will be even more disappointing to her publishers when they are still on the shelves a few years from now.

Amy Schumer’s new autobiography has had disappointing sales in the first weeks on the shelves. Although not as disappointing to the people who read it and realize that was $25 they will never see again.

Larry King is reportedly unsure if he will divorce his wife after finding out she cheated on him. Apparently he is just not sure that he can take the pain and suffering that goes along with divorce number eight.

U.S. Intelligence is investigating a Russian operation to sow distrust in the upcoming presidential election. To which most voters are saying “They’re too late.”

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says the public “never has to wonder” what Donald Trump thinks about the issues. Which brings up the question as to why he had no idea that he was out and Mike Pence was in as Trump’s running mate?

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says the public “never has to wonder” what Donald Trump thinks about the issues. Which is usually the viewpoint that will end up starting World War III.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie issued a Hurricane Warning over the Labor Day Weekend for Hermine, saying they were in a “wait and watch” mode. Which most people say should have been canceled to instead put Christie back in Weight Watchers mode.

A survey says a majority of U.S. voters say that Donald Trump won’t be able to get Mexico to pay for the wall. Mostly because they see that Trump himself can’t even be convinced to put out the money to pay for a decent haircut.

Vice presidential candidate Mike Pence says that undocumented workers will be treated “humanely” under the Trump Administration. To which Wal-Mart workers are saying that is great news, and when will it be their turn next?

A survey says that Americans’ top priority is paying down their debt. If not just to say they finally are making enough money to live out of debt.

A survey says that Americans’ top priority is paying down their debt. Which shocked members of Congress. “You can do that?”

Johnny Manziel has reportedly enrolled to take classes at Texas A&M. Mostly just as a former quarterback who finally wants to see what the inside of a classroom actually looks like.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all had a great Labor Day weekend. Mine was good, and I am even off Tuesday as well. But of course I am here to keep the jokes coming. You didn’t think I would let you off that easy, did you? You can always count on me. As long as you aren’t actually thinking there might be some laughs involved. Now I just hope I can count on you to remember to keep on sending the love!


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