Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The first presidential debate took place last night. So far there has been no word on moderator Lester Holt’s condition after being run over by both candidates.

The first presidential debate took place last night. If Donald Trump sniffed one more time while talking, Hillary was going to give him her remedy to keep from catching pneumonia.

The first presidential debate took place last night. At least it started as a debate. About half way through the last few letters of “debate” were changed to turn it into “debacle.”

Donald Trump has been endorsed by the union representing the country’s immigration officers. Mostly because the workers like the idea of not having to chase any more immigrants through the Arizona desert once that wall is built.

A woman at an Austrian airport was discovered to be boarding a plane carrying her dead husband’s entrails. Apparently it was a mixup, that she misheard it when someone told her planes were responsible for all the contrails.

A report says roller coasters could be used as a way to treat kidney stones. Mostly at Disney World where a person with kidney stones is forced to wait in line three hours for a ride, by the time they get to the bathroom the resulting pressure would be enough to take out a boulder.

A report says Congress wants the TSA besides airports to secure travel on trains and buses as well. Which sounds unnecessary, as even terrorist groups can’t find any recruits who can be talked into taking a trip on Amtrak or Greyhound.

Researchers say that sex makes men more likely to be religious. Especially the ones who believe if they live a good life and pray enough they will one day have the chance to be with Kate Upton.

Researchers say that sex makes men more likely to be religious. Especially when they are in bed with a woman who spends the whole time yelling “Oh, God!”

A lawyer says Mexican drug kingpin El Chapo is being tortured in prison. To which most people around the world when hearing the news said “So, (yawn) what’s for dinner tonight?”

A study says the U.S. is falling short of its goals to cut pollution. Especially at last night’s presidential debate where there was a enough hot air emitted to melt the ice at both poles.

A study says the U.S. is falling short of its goals to cut pollution. However, it’s just a matter of time before China and India take our last few remaining manufacturing jobs and we won’t have any more of those smoky old factories to deal with.

China’s self-proclaimed most charismatic philanthropist is being accused of falsifying and exaggerating his donations. Which means if China is anything like the U.S., he will soon be announcing his candidacy to be their next President.

A blind hoarder in New York was discovered to have lived with her dead son for the past 20 years. Being blind, she says she just thought he had been watching too much TV and really needed to take a shower.

Soccer organization FIFA is being criticized for disbanding their anti-racism task force. Apparently they found there is no racism in soccer, that no matter what their ethnicity soccer officials will take just about any bribe they are offered.

The FBI says that violent crime in the U.S. was up last year. Which they say could have been even worse except that the Trump and Clinton campaigns agreed to never hold their campaign rallies simultaneously in the same city.

A report says Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf will walk away from the bank with $100 Million even if he is fired over the phony accounts scandal. Which means these scams will keep on happening until the banks get rid of their phony executives.

A report says Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf will walk away from the bank with $100 Million even if he is fired over the phony accounts scandal. The sad part is that Wells Fargo customers don’t even have a combined $100 Million in their real accounts.

The man who invented the 401(k) retirement account says he created a “monster.” Mostly in that his plan put the idea into the heads of millions of people that they would be able to save enough in their account to someday actually be able to retire.

Social media site Snapchat reports it now has 60 Million daily users. Which explains why unemployment numbers are going back up as there are now at least 60 Million Americans who have nothing better to do all day than post and look at selfies.

A forecast says that if Donald Trump becomes President, stocks will tank. Which is bad news for the 300 wealthiest Americans who are the only ones with enough money to still be in the market.

A forecast says that if Donald Trump becomes President, stocks will tank. Others disagree, saying if they survived last night’s presidential debate there is nothing that can bring them down.

A report says that Mylan’s profits from their EpiPen medical device are actually 60% higher than they told Congress because they used a 37.5% tax rate in their example. Which everyone knows is 37.5% higher than the rate any corporation pays in taxes.

Wells Fargo employees say the bank was pushing phony accounts even before 2011. Which makes sense since no one had enough money to put into any real accounts since Wells Fargo helped crash the economy in 2007.

A report says marijuana arrests in the U.S. have fallen to the lowest level since 1996. People were surprised. Who was still dumb enough be caught by the police with any pot on them after the 1960s?

A push is on to make drone racing an Olympic sport. If that doesn’t work there is still beer bottle cap tossing, hacky sack and foosball.

A study says that 90% of U.S. teens don’t get enough exercise. The other 10% still get in some activity when they are running down the hallways trying to keep the local bully from giving them an atomic wedgie.

A study says that 90% of U.S. teens don’t get enough exercise. The other 10% don’t get any exercise at all.

A study says that morning sickness may be a sign of a healthy pregnancy. Except when the daily throwing up happens after the baby is born and is a result of the hospital bills starting to arrive.

A study says that teens with a good diet tend to gain less weight as adults. Which is good news for all three of the U.S. teenagers who still eat healthy.

A study says sitting for three hours or more a day is responsible for 433,000 deaths every year around the world. Especially when the sitting is being done by hospital workers who are posting on Facebook instead of looking after their patients.

San Diego is going to make a miniature version of the city as it was in the 1950s to make Alzheimer’s Disease patients feel more comfortable. Or they could just wait until Donald Trump becomes President and the entire country goes back to 1957.

A study says happy people make their spouses healthier. Mostly because the last thing the unhappy ones want is for their spouses to be able to make them miserable for an even longer amount of time.

A study says a blood test could help doctors tailor treatments for patients with depression. At least until the blood test results show that they have Hepatitis C, the Zika virus and a drug-resistant strain of gonorrhea.

Demi Lovato and Joe Jonas were trapped in an elevator in Los Angeles for more than four hours. It would have been a much shorter time but firefighters made them sit and listen to elevator music for three extra hours saying “How do YOU like it?”

“Dirty Jobs” star Mike Rowe says he almost shot down a drone until he thought that he might be labeled as an “angry B-list celebrity.” People were surprised. When did Mike Rowe get moved up from the D-list?

Former WWE star Kurt Angle says at one point he was taking 65 Vicodin pills a day. Who did he think he was, a typical WWE fan?

Former WWE star Kurt Angle says at one point he was taking 65 Vicodin pills a day. And that was just to deal with the way he felt after telling someone he was in the WWE.

A California law will prohibit IMDb and other sites from revealing the age and birth dates of celebrities. The only problem is the sites can still give away how old they are by listing the number of plastic surgery procedures they have had.

Journalists at the presidential debate were hit with a $200 bill from Hofstra University to use the school’s Wi-Fi system. Which was gladly paid by reporters so they could spend their time there keeping themselves awake playing Pokemon Go.

Microsoft has committed to running its data centers off 50% renewable energy by 2018. Industry experts think that is a bit of a stretch. Mostly because they don’t think Microsoft has a chance of keeping their doors open through the middle of 2017.

Microsoft has committed to running its data centers off 50% renewable energy by 2018. Although that still isn’t as good as any computers that run off Windows Vista that have sat there without using any electricity at all since 2007.

A British insurance company says 2.5 Million Lego bricks have been flushed down English toilets. Which is nothing compared to what has gone into British plumbing over the years from a population that regularly eats haggis.

Scientists have discovered a new species of ants in the vomit of a poisonous Ecuadoran frog. Researchers celebrated the find by asking themselves “We went to college for eight years to look through frog vomit?”

A paper says the world’s oldest melody at was found in Syria dating back 3,500 years. Apparently its original use was the theme song for Larry King’s first radio program.

A paper says the world’s oldest melody at was found in Syria dating back 3,500 years. The bad part is that the composer is suing the writers of “Blurred Lines” for copyright infringement.

A fertility Fitbit reportedly shows women when they are the most fertile. Which is usually right around the time they go on a date with Kevin Federline.

A fertility Fitbit reportedly shows women when they are the most fertile. Then all they need to do is drink enough alcohol, wait nine months and they have a baby.

Donald Trump lambasted Hillary Clinton for attacking his path to success. How dare she criticize the time-honored tradition of inheritance.

Green Party nominee Jill Stein was escorted off the Hofstra University campus after trying to be included in the presidential debate. To which most viewers said if only they could have done the same thing to Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

A poll says Americans are less sure they will vote in the presidential election. Mostly just so they can rest more easily knowing they weren’t responsible for whoever is the winner.

A poll says Americans are less sure they will vote in the presidential election. In fact, people are so unsure they are ordering bumper stickers that say “Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For ____________(fill in the blank).”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the world of sports that I am sure you have heard by now. Golfing legend Arnold Palmer has died at age 87. He was the King and although many other greats have come and gone, none will surpass Arnie. Part of the reason I took up golf was because of Palmer. He showed that even if you had a less than perfect swing and didn’t come from a wealthy background, you could make it in golf. If you were Arnold Palmer. I read all the time where the Silicon Valley billionaires are investing a fortune into medicine so they can increase their life expectancy to be able to spend all their money. Let me tell them something. If Arnie wasn’t able to live forever, no one will. Although he will be immortal in the minds of anyone who has ever picked up a golf club. What better person to idolize than a millionaire sports star who still got in that old Pennzoil tractor for a few laps around the course? RIP, Arnie. You are already missed. Which means all of you need to make sure to yell “Fore!” when you remember to take the time today to keep on sending the love!


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