Sunday, September 25, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Kim Kardashian says she is “on the fence” about her vote for President after previously endorsing Hillary Clinton. That could change when Donald Trump demands she pays for the fence.

Kim Kardashian says she is “on the fence” about her vote for President after previously endorsing Hillary Clinton. Although it is going to have to be one strong fence if it will have to support that backside.

Kim Kardashian says she is “on the fence” about her vote for President after previously endorsing Hillary Clinton. The question remains is it more of a sign of the Apocalypse with Clinton running against Trump or that anyone cares how Kim Kardashian will be voting?

A lawyer is suing Emirates Airlines after a 9 hour flight where he was forced to sit next to an obese passenger. He had better be prepared that on any flights he takes with them in the future that he will be seated right next to a screaming baby.

A lawyer is suing Emirates Airlines after a 9 hour flight where he was forced to sit next to an obese passenger. Apparently the problem was that for 8 hours of the flight the passenger kept asking “Are you going to finish that bag of peanuts?”

A report from a White House Advisory Council says forensic evidence could be flawed. To which Bill Clinton is saying “Why couldn’t that council have figured that out when I was still President?”

A report from a White House Advisory Council says forensic evidence could be flawed. Which means Hollywood can be expected to come out with a new series titled “CSI…Oops!”

A report from a White House Advisory Council says forensic evidence could be flawed. Which means the title "CSI" really stands for “Categorically Sorry for your Incarceration.”

An Arkansas teenager has been charged with giving his 3 year old nephew marijuana to smoke. People in Arkansas were shocked. That teenager should have checked with his sister before he did anything like that to their baby.

North Korea has threatened the U.S. with “consequences beyond imagination.” Mostly because the nuclear stockpile they will supposedly unleash on us is all pretty much a figment of Kim Jong-un’s imagination.

Saturday was National Punctuation Day. Which for many people, anything grammatical is as enjoyable as getting a colon-oscopy.

Saturday was National Punctuation Day. Most! People? Had, no; “idea” what. That: even? Means.

A U.N. conference on endangered species is meeting in South Africa with deep divisions on how to go about protecting endangered elephants. Their main focus will be on the person who is the most likely to make the elephants in North America a thing of the past, Donald Trump.

Mexico Foreign Minister Claudia Ruiz Massieu says she will work with whomever becomes the next U.S. President. Donald Trump says he will also work with her, as long as that means she will pick up a shovel and some bricks to help build the wall.

The Trump Hotel chain has been fined $50,000 over a data breach involving 70,000 accounts. No one knows who is behind the hacking, but authorities are investigating the possibility it came from a private e-mail server in Chappaqua, New York.

The Trump Hotel chain has been fined $50,000 over a data breach involving 70,000 accounts. Although there is still no explanation why the breach involved every one of those 70,000 accounts making a donation to the Trump Foundation.

The recent price increase of the EpiPen is leading some people to try to make their own devices. The only problem is when it doesn’t work, doing the follow up surgery on themselves using the DIY instructions for a mirror and X-Acto knife.

A study says 88% of couples claim they don’t fight over money. Mostly because it’s only the other 12% who still actually have any cash.

Iran has begun their first web-based national census. The only problem is that authorities didn’t take into account the number of people with Internet access in Iran, which is why so far the national population estimate has come in at 3.

The Backstreet Boys have announced a Las Vegas residency at the AXIS at Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino. The word is three of them will be assigned to the hotel’s wait staff with the other two interning at the front desk.

The Backstreet Boys have announced a Las Vegas residency at the AXIS at Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino. Their performance will be called “Larger Than Life,” which takes its title from the band members spending the last three months at the hotel rehearsing with full access to the casino buffet.

The Backstreet Boys have announced a Las Vegas residency at the AXIS at Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino. Who would have thought a boy band would end up as this generation’s version of Wayne Newton?

Moody’s has downgraded the credit rating of Turkey to junk status. Some economists were confused. “Junk status” for Turkey is a downgrade?

Snapchat is working to help register its users to vote in November. The only problem will be getting users to stop taking selfies and looking at videos of their friends long enough to actually go to the polls and vote.

Snapchat is working to help register its users to vote in November. The only problem is that followers aren’t sure if they should vote for Britney Spears, Justin Bieber or Kim Kardashian.

Yahoo is being sued for gross negligence by users over the hacking of a half billion of their accounts. Although they are more worried that their investors will sue for missing their chances to buy Google and Facebook when they were startups and instead deciding to create Flickr.

A city in China is urging families to procreate now as part of the government’s new two-child policy. Although it is tough to believe that a country with a billion people already is in any danger of having its population disappear any time soon.

A city in China is urging families to procreate now as part of the government’s new two-child policy. Apparently as it is they just can’t meet the need for the stream of new 6 year olds to keep up with the shift work at all the new Nike factories.

A Wisconsin teacher donated a kidney to one of her 2nd grade students. Mostly as a reward for being the only student in the class who could correctly spell “kidney.”

British researcher David Nutt says he has developed a compound called “Alcosynth” that can get people drunk without the hangover. Which means the only headache men will get following a night out at the bars will be from getting hit in the head with a frying pan by their wives when they catch them sneaking in at 4am.

Researchers say medical “tattoos” can be used to hide patients’ surgical scars. Which would be ironic when the reason for the surgery is complications from Hepatitis C caused from getting a real tattoo.
 
Several states are suing the maker of heroin addiction treatment drug Suboxone over trying to over-extend its monopoly. Which means the people trying to cure the addicts are using the same business model as the people who got them hooked.

Several states are suing the maker of heroin addiction treatment drug Suboxone over trying to over-extend its monopoly. The first clue something was wrong was when the company’s top executive went from being called “CEO” to “Kingpin.”

A study says chronic sleep problems are lined to disabilities later in life. Which is fine because when they are disabled they will have nothing to do all day and finally have the time to catch up on all that lost sleep.

An elementary school student in California has been diagnosed with leprosy. The other students were just relieved to find out the child also tested negative for cooties.

An elementary school student in California has been diagnosed with leprosy. The discovery was made when another student gave them a wedgie and literally had their ass handed to them.

An elementary school student in California has been diagnosed with leprosy. It was discovered when all the other kids kept mistaking them for one of the monsters they were trying to catch while playing Pokemon Go.

A study compared the proposed health care plans of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. Researchers had only one question at the end of the study. Trump has a health care plan?

A study says heavy drinking can harm aging brains, affecting memory, attention and learning. Which is fine for most seniors who are saying once you reach a certain age who wants to remember the past, have to pay attention or learn anything new?

A study says heavy drinking can harm aging brains, affecting memory, attention and learning. As opposed to seniors who don’t drink who say what’s the difference?

Whoopi Goldberg says she will “probably not” return to “The View” after this season. People were surprised. “The View” is still on the air?

Whoopi Goldberg says she will “probably not” return to “The View” after this season. Mostly so she can finally look for a group to hang out with where she can get in a word edgewise.

FXX will run a 13 day marathon starting on Thanksgiving Day where they will show all 600 episodes of “The Simpsons” in chronological order. Which is fitting as for most viewers anything after about season five are pretty much just leftovers.

Writer James Patterson has canceled the release of his book “The Murder of Stephen King.” Apparently the novel dealt with when critics sat down to write their reviews of “The Tommyknockers.”

Farrah Abraham says she would be interested in a spinoff of “Teen Mom.” She thinks it would be nostalgic for MTV viewers, would keep people updated on what she is doing and would be a lot better than her current job waitressing at Hooters.

Farrah Abraham says she would be interested in a spinoff of “Teen Mom.” Apparently she figures it’s only a matter of time before her own daughter helps launch her into being “Teen Grandma.”

Joe Giudice from “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” is reportedly “miserable” behind bars after his fraud conviction. Although it can’t possibly be any worse than being surrounded for hours at a time during filming by the cast of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.”

Joe Giudice from “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” is reportedly “miserable” behind bars after his fraud conviction. How can any of those people live without having a camera in their face every time they turn around?

Joe Giudice from “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” is reportedly “miserable” behind bars after his fraud conviction. Apparently he had no idea that when he was paired with a 6’4” 250 pound cellmate that he would be the one who is now the real housewife.

Kevin Garnett says he is retiring from the NBA’s Minnesota Timberwolves. He reportedly then turned down an offer to play with the L.A. Clippers, saying “what’s the difference?”

Dodger Manager Dave Roberts says some of his players are frustrated with the playing time they are given. Mostly because they know once they reach the playoffs, their season will pretty much last just through the first three games.

The Navy has given Florida Atlantic University a $258,000 grant to study how fish swim to mimic their movements to enhance the motion of underwater vehicles and robot systems. Or they could take a shortcut and just watch all the videos from every one of Michael Phelps’ Olympic races.

The Navy has given Florida Atlantic University a $258,000 grant to study how fish swim to mimic their movements to enhance the motion of underwater vehicles and robot systems. Which was exactly the same amount of money it cost Ryan Lochte to wriggle his way out and get unhooked by the Brazilian justice system.

Facebook has apologized for exaggerating the number of view times of its videos. The good news is it means people spend only half their days instead of 90% of their time staring at videos of a cat playing the piano and a hamster eating a cracker.

Don King says Donald Trump is the only candidate who can fix the corrupt, racist, sexist, rigged system. King also admires Trump for being the one person who has no problem in going out in public with an even worse looking haircut.

Don King says Donald Trump is the only candidate who can fix the corrupt, racist, sexist, rigged system. Which is interesting coming from one person involved in boxing about the other who runs beauty pageants.

Cast members from “The West Wing” campaigned for Hillary Clinton in Ohio. That’s the problem with this election. People are taking their cues on how to vote based on whether they watch prime time TV dramas or reality shows.

A poll says that more than half of all Americans fear a Donald Trump presidency. The rest couldn’t take the survey because they were busy getting their passports in preparation for their move to another country.

A poll says that more than half of all Americans fear a Donald Trump presidency. Which is why he leads in the polls because the rest are terrified at the idea of President Hillary Clinton.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Monday night is the first presidential debate. Or as it is also going to be known one day, the beginning of the demise of the human race. There has already been a rumor that the first question that Donald Trump will ask of Hillary Clinton is “Can I get you a cough drop?” The question from Hillary Clinton’s side will be whether Trump realizes that this is the actual definition of reality TV. No matter how either of them does, all I am hoping for is that you all remember to make sure to always keep on sending the love!


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