Friday, September 23, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A bomb threat closed down a part of West Point this week. It’s just too bad there was no one around who might have been trained to deal with some sort of military style attack.

A report says in five years there will be freeways that don’t allow cars with drivers. Only then the meaning of “freeway” will be a highway free of road rage, confrontations and gunfire.

Stephen Hawking says we need to find aliens before they find us. To which Donald Trump says “too late.”

Scientists have discovered horses can communicate with people by pointing at signs. To which the horses are saying “What, do you think we were born in a barn?”

Scientists have discovered horses can communicate with people by pointing at signs. Usually the sign that says “…and the one of us you rode in on.”

A study says some people are genetically programmed to get depressed when they feel neglected. Apparently the study was based on the entire reason Donald Trump decided to make a run for President.

Pope Francis I says journalism based on gossip or rumors is a form of “terrorism.” Which explains why Bill O’Reilly was seen on the air last week having to say three Our Fathers and two Hail Marys.

Yahoo says 500 Million of its accounts were hacked in 2014. People were shocked at the news. There are 500 Million people who actually still have e-mail accounts with Yahoo?

Gerard Depardieu says France is populated with “imbeciles making wine and stinky cheese for tourists.” As opposed to when Depardieu still lived there when it had one more whiner who made stinky movies for filmgoers.

Gerard Depardieu says France is populated with “imbeciles making wine and stinky cheese for tourists.” To which he was immediately corrected in that it isn’t the cheese they are making that is stinky.

A report says ISIS wives are given suicide vests and machine guns as wedding gifts. Those weddings are the one where the bride wears something old, something new, something borrowed and something “Kaboom!”

A blackout in Puerto Rico left 1.5 Million customers without power. Or as the people of Puerto Rico know that, “Tuesday.”

A blackout in Puerto Rico left 1.5 Million customers without power. People were surprised. Usually a widespread blackout in Puerto Rico isn’t caused by the power company as much as the rum distilleries.

A study says the ice in Greenland is melting 7% faster than previously thought. People were surprised as the news. There is someone who actually thinks about how fast the ice is melting in Greenland?

A study says the ice in Greenland is melting 7% faster than previously thought. Now if they could just speed it up the other 93%, there might be something they could actually do with Greenland.

The Dali Lama did an impression of Donald Trump where he made fun of Trump’s hair and mouth. So at least now Trump has that going for him.

A study says that immigrants will contribute $2 Trillion to the U.S. GDP this year. Which ironically is exactly the same amount that Trump is planning to spend to send them all back across the border.

The IRS is warning of a scam where people are e-mailed to send an Obamacare-related payment. The IRS is telling people to ignore the requests as they are illegal, fraudulent and because the IRS wishes they had thought of it first.

The IRS is warning of a scam where people are e-mailed to send an Obamacare-related payment. That makes it almost as big a scam as Obamacare.

A survey says that atheists and agnostics don’t bother to go to the polls. That’s fine with Donald Trump who figures he isn’t going to get any votes from the people who don’t believe in him anyway.

The presidential debates are expected to pull in some of the biggest TV audiences ever. Imagine an event that will at one time attract the same kinds of crowds who faithfully watch "WWE Raw," “The Kardashians” and “Jerry Springer.”

A report says that falls are the number one cause of death and injury for people over age 65. Which is not good news for Hillary Clinton who is 68 and has seen her poll numbers go in a virtual free fall since the conventions.

A study says jumping on small trampolines is as good an exercise as running. Although others are not as convinced, saying that it has its up and downs.

A study says jumping on small trampolines is as good an exercise as running. To which runners defended their activity, saying when is the last time you saw someone out for a jog going to the ER after hitting their head on the ceiling?

Doctors are set to operate on a Chinese boy who was born with 15 fingers and 16 toes. The surgery is more for the benefit of his parents, who say they are exhausted just from going through one round of “This Little Piggy.”

Doctors are set to operate on a Chinese boy who was born with 15 fingers and 16 toes. Local school administrators asked for the procedure to keep him from having an unfair advantage all the way through the 3rd grade in arithmetic.

Scientists say an arthritis drug may help with a certain type of hair loss. The only problem is that the medication will give arthritis sufferers the flexibility to be able to pull their hair out after they get their monthly prescription bill.

A report says climate change may threaten the world’s coffee supply. To which people who are addicted to their morning cup say that is grounds for complete panic.

A report says climate change may threaten the world’s coffee supply. The good news is that is enough to make coffee addicts jittery enough even without getting their daily dose of caffeine.

A report says climate change may threaten the world’s coffee supply. The good news is it could make the price go up so much that even people who are brewing a cup at home will be able to have the same feeling of what it’s like to go to Starbucks.

The CDC says 12,000 Americans are infected each year for cat scratch disease. The CDC followed up the report by immediately putting Ted Nugent under quarantine.

A spider dropping from a rear view mirror caused an Oregon woman to run her car off the road and crash. Next time maybe she should just try stepping on it.

Doctors say that a drug-resistant strain of gonorrhea has shown up in Hawaii. Which was good news for the paparazzi who then immediately knew where Paris Hilton was spending her vacation.

Netflix says it wants 50% of its content to be made up of original programming. Not by making any more new shows but by cutting back the rest of their content to three episodes each of “Two Broke Girls,” “ALF” and “Mister Ed.”

J. Geils was arrested in Boston for DUI following an accident. The worst part was that the police kept playing “Freeze Frame” over and over while taking his mug shot.

A report says the four highest paid actors on TV are all on “The Big Bang Theory.” Which shows CBS is finally getting the most bang for their bucks.

A Twins relief pitcher allowed a run to score with a wild pitch during an intentional walk. It’s getting so bad there that the team is looking at offering a bullpen tryout to 50 Cent.

L.A.’s bid for the 20204 Olympics has expanded to include Anaheim and Long Beach. Although some people say the move reeks of tourism, especially with the proposed Triathlon starting with a run from the Matterhorn and finishing with a swim to the Queen Mary.

A study says children’s fingerprints don’t change from birth to 5 years of age. Which is really useful for people who are sparing no expense to find out who has been taking all the Oreos out of the cookie jar.

IBM is developing a computer chip that will reportedly be as decisive and intelligent as humans. Which sort of takes away the entire reason we saw the need to have computers in the first place.

IBM is developing a computer chip that will reportedly be as decisive and intelligent as humans. Although researchers say the only problem is that the chip only works for a few minutes before guiding the computer back to an Internet porn site.

Top Senate Democrats are saying that Russia’s intelligence agencies are trying to interfere with the November election. That’s absurd. What could they possibly do that would make our presidential election any more of a disaster than it is now?

The Yahoo hack of 500 Million accounts is said to be the largest in history. Which is what happens when you have a half billion people who are all lazy enough to keep their password “12345.”

Facebook and Twitter will both stream the upcoming presidential debate. The only problem is for people watching it on their smartphones who might find their devices might see Donald Trump’s hair and think they just captured Charizard.

A company is planning to release copies of the “golden record” launched into space on Voyager I and II 40 years ago. The recordings included Bach and Chuck Berry, sent to aliens as a “gift from humanity.” It’s just a good thing we avoided the risk of starting an intergalactic war by not being able to include anything from Kanye West.

The U.S. could demand a “black box” style crash recorders in driverless cars. Especially when there are accidents caused from the onboard computer being distracted after being sexted by Watson.

The U.S. could demand a “black box” style crash recorders in driverless cars. Although it might be a bit much. When is the last time you have ever heard of a Kia falling 30,000 feet out of the sky?

A study says pigeons can be taught to “read.” Which if true means we can immediately start posting signs on statues saying “Not here!”

Donald Trump is telling Hillary Clinton to give back the $550 she was donated by Anthony Weiner. To which Clinton claims the money was not a campaign donation but payment for her to look at all the pictures he sent along with it.

Donald Trump, Jr. defended his tweet which included a picture of Skittles. He should just let it go because using candy in a political statement leads to a comparison with the person who said “Life is like a box of chocolates…”

A poll says the number of Americans closely following politics has spiked. Mostly for the people who are trying to decide which country they will be moving to right after the election.

A poll says the number of Americans closely following politics has spiked. Mostly because it’s a lot more interesting, funny and easy to follow than even an episode of “The Kardashians.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s Friday. That means the world is safe for only three more days and then it is the first presidential debate. The only question is which candidate will try to use a folding chair to hit the other one first? They should have just gone with the obvious and made the moderator for all the debates Geraldo Rivera. All I know is I will be watching, and I hope that you will have enough sanity left when it is done to remember to keep on sending the love!


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