Thursday, September 22, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

An employee of the Royal Canadian Mint is being accused of smuggling out $180,000 worth of gold in his rectum. Which is ironic as now that gold smells like anything but “mint.”

An employee of the Royal Canadian Mint is being accused of smuggling out $180,000 worth of gold in his rectum. Apparently the idea was to protect himself in the event the national currency wasn’t the only thing to bottom out.

A report says some colleges are turning to coloring books to help students relieve stress. Which still isn’t as effective as the old way of just throwing another weekend keg party.

A report says some colleges are turning to coloring books to help students relieve stress. Which is ironic in that most of the students’ stress is from having to pay out $2,000 each semester for the books they are forced to buy for all their classes.

A report says young people are quitting social media and say they are happier for doing it. Mostly so their parents who are also on Facebook can’t see the posts that show what their kids are doing while they are home alone every afternoon.

A report says young people are quitting social media and say they are happier for doing it. The best part is when they went outside and actually noticed for the first time there is a Sun, trees and even other people they can look at.

TV ratings for the NFL have dropped this season, which some are blaming on protests over the National Anthem. Most people feel the anthem should be respected, although they were unaware of the protests because that’s the part of the game they are using the bathroom or fixing a plate of nachos.

Airbus has been licensed to sell jets to Iran. The only difference is that in an Iranian airport, the way to draw attention to yourself is being the one person whose luggage doesn’t contain a bomb.

Scientists say a single migration from Africa populated the entire world 200,000 years ago. Mostly because that was the last time that someone wasn’t building a wall somewhere to try to keep everyone out.

Virginia Raggi, the Mayor of Rome has vetoed the city’s bid to host the 2024 Olympics. Mostly because she just didn’t want to see the inevitable concessions to the IOC, especially the one calling for luxury boxes and Astroturf to be installed in the Coliseum.

A government report says climate change will pose a challenge to U.S. national security. The biggest being the fact that the planet warmed three degrees after cutting down all the trees to make enough paper for the 30,000 page report.

The Yankees have been given the go ahead to refinance $1 Billion for their new stadium. Which will be paid off once they sell the first eight hot dogs and dozen beers at their next home game.

Mark Zuckerberg and his wife have committed to donating $3 Billion to cure the world’s diseases. Which is only fitting as most illnesses are related to people just sitting in front of a computer screen eight hours a day posting on Facebook.

Mylan CEO Heather Bresch was grilled before Congress and blamed the high price of the EpiPen on a “broken health care system that incentivizes higher prices.” Which before now just used to be known by its other name, “greed.”

Whole Foods has been hit with a $3.5 Million fine by the EPA for violating environmental hazardous waste disposal laws. Which brings up the question for most people, just what are they putting in that potato salad?

Whole Foods has been hit with a $3.5 Million fine by the EPA for violating environmental hazardous waste disposal laws. The good news is the fine will be covered by the first person buying an emu egg, truffles and camel’s milk.

Pokemon Go has been replaced as the top selling app at Apple after 74 days. Apparently two and a half months was enough time for people to get tired of moving around and go back to playing video games that allow them to stay within an arm’s reach of the refrigerator.

Panera says it will start using “clean” bacon with no artificial preservatives, colors or flavors. It will be much healthier, with 90% of the product now just made up of  its natural saturated fat.

 A survey says there are two times during the day when people are most likely to break their diet. Which are the three hours they spend snacking between breakfast and lunch and the four hours they are snacking between lunch and dinner.

A study says the financial impact of hacking breaches on most companies is small. Mostly when the hackers keep finding out that the personal information they get about most the customers is usually for credit cards of people who had them canceled when they filed for their third bankruptcy.

Experts say the number of requests by men for Botox injections into their scrotum has doubled recently. Which even Cher says if she were a man, she would really have to think before thinking that sounded like a good idea.

Experts say the number of requests by men for Botox injections into their scrotum has doubled recently. Which sounds like it might be necessary but only if your scrotum keeps getting mistaken for Steven Tyler.

A study says a child’s metabolism temporarily slows down during puberty which can lead to teen obesity. But not to worry, it starts picking up again sometime in their early 70s.

A study says a child’s metabolism temporarily slows down during puberty which can lead to teen obesity. Mostly because that’s about the time kids get less interested in running around playing Pokemon Go and spend more time sitting in front of the computer after discovering Internet porn.

A study says obese children and teens have a different type of bacteria in their digestive systems than kids who are thin. Especially when the word gets out to all the bacteria of the banquet of junk food and deserts the obese kids have going on in their stomachs every day.

A Texas school district is posting signs saying their teachers may be packing weapons. To which people who went through the Catholic school system are still more afraid at the thought of a nun approaching them with a ruler in her hand.

A Texas school district is posting signs saying their teachers may be packing weapons. Instead of the having to wear a dunce cap, the kids ordered to stand in the corner now just keep their hands up.

A study says that smoking can cause permanent damage to a person’s DNA. Those people need to be told they should exhale that smoke once in a while.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are set to divorce after 12 years together. Rumors are that it had something to do with personal hygiene. In the meantime, she is washing her hands of the relationship which might have still worked if he would have done the same thing once in awhile.

Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum has separated the figures of Brad Pitt and Angelina in the wake of their filing for divorce. If Pitt thinks if his likeness was the only thing that was waxed, wait until Jolie’s lawyers are done with him.

Kendall Jenner is being slammed on the Internet for posing for a photo shoot pretending to be a ballerina. Apparently she isn’t concerned, and says to her critics that is just tutu bad.

Kendall Jenner is being slammed on the Internet for posing for a photo shoot pretending to be a ballerina. Which hasn’t stopped any of the other Kardashians from posing for pictures pretending to be real celebrities.

Emma Watson gave a speech to the U.N. calling for universities to do a better job to ensure women’s safety. Which could be pretty much achieved the day women make an agreement to stop attending frat parties.

AC/DC bassist Cliff Williams has announced he is quitting the band. Apparently he wants to pursue other interests, like finding a group playing music that requires him to know more than three notes per song.

AC/DC bassist Cliff Williams has announced he is quitting the band. Fans were shocked at the announcement. It was the first time they ever heard anything coming from a member of AC/DC that was at less than 140 decibels.

Ralph Lauren says he is planning on writing his memoirs. The working title is “I Came, I Sewed, I Conquered.”

Marilyn Manson says he will sit out the November election because he doesn’t support either candidate. At least that means there is some good that has finally resulted from the presidential campaigns.

A poll says that Colin Kaepernick is the most disliked player in the NFL. Which means there has never been a player who has supported the National Anthem and what it means more than Tom Brady.

Canadian researchers say they have teleported a photon 3.5 miles over a fiber optics cable. Or as most people know that, turning on the light switch.

A report says renewable energy makes up nearly one third of the world’s electrical capacity. Meaning that if we were only left with wind, solar and geothermal power, it would almost be enough to keep us all online looking at Internet porn.

New legislation is seeking to keep U.S. voting machines from being hacked. Although the bad part is that the proposed legislation was revealed in a post by Wikileaks.

The WHO says drug resistant superbugs are a “fundamental threat” to humans. To which Donald Trump says that is an overstatement, and the only time he uses the term “fundamental threat” is when the bacteria are seen wearing a hijab.

A report says North Korea has only 28 websites available online. Which is pretty much being blamed on Kim Jong-un signing that market exclusivity deal for Internet service years ago with AOL.

A report says North Korea has only 28 websites available online. Which is fine, because that is about all that can be handled by the national search engine “Ask Jeeves.”

A report says North Korea has only 28 websites available online. What’s worse is that 23 of them are just sites where people can log on to play a version of “Pong.”

China’s spacelab Tiangong 1 is set to fall out of orbit and crash into Earth sometime next year. Which confirms suspicions that hackers have been stealing top secret plans for building spacecraft from NASA.

Brazil’s IT industry is reportedly growing faster than the world average. Mostly from all the interest from people going online to search for any available gas station security camera video featuring Ryan Lochte.

A survey says even people making $150,000 a year are having trouble saving money. Especially the ones who have the app on their smartphone that allows them to make mobile payments at Starbucks.

Elon Musk the new SpaceX rocket has the capability to go “well beyond Mars.” Where it will then promptly explode.

Elon Musk the new SpaceX rocket has the capability to go “well beyond Mars.” Which is even better than NASA which brags that its latest rocket has the capability to go well beyond Cape Canaveral.

A study says immigrants are not taking Americans’ jobs. Mostly because even Americans are having to take the low paying, unskilled manual labor jobs even immigrants used to have to think twice about working.

President Obama has ordered intelligence agencies to study climate change. Mostly because he wants to give them an assignment more suited to their abilities since they have shown they can’t even successfully open an iPhone.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I just read an interesting take of an analysis of the entire set of issues of this presidential election. It was called “Blah, Blah, Blah.” Which makes me mad because that was exactly the same title I was considering to start calling this blog. Oh, well. The election is good for some material but overall, the only thing that really matters is when you all remember to take the time to keep on sending the love!


No comments: