Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A headline says 180 people were charged with underage drinking at a fraternity party at the University of Delaware. In other words, there was a fraternity party at the University of Delaware.

A woman who ordered ribs at a Chinese restaurant in Maryland says she instead received a cooked dog’s paw. To which the owner apologized, saying the waiter thought she said “the number 33.”

A woman who ordered ribs at a Chinese restaurant in Maryland says she instead received a cooked dog’s paw. The restaurant denies the charges, saying they would never serve dog’s paw. It was a coyote.

A woman who ordered ribs at a Chinese restaurant in Maryland says she instead received a cooked dog’s paw. The restaurant denies the charges, but says she can still take advantage of their policy that with six you get donkey tongue.

A Pokemon Go player was reportedly beaten in New York’s Central Park. Although even the local mimes all looked away saying it’s about time.

Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt after 12 years together. Let’s just hope that neither one of them spends the next few years isolated and lonely.

Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt after 12 years together after Jolie caught him cheating with costar Marion Cotillard. Pitt and Jolie first met on the set of “Mr. & Mrs. Smith,” which is how Pitt was caught with Cotillard checking into a hotel under the same name.

Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt after 12 years together. The cause of the split was reportedly every time they had an argument, she would end it by saying “I have to go and polish my Oscar now. What are you going to do?”

Microsoft says it will solve cancer in the next ten years by reprogramming diseased cells to make them healthy again. Which is a pretty big reach for a company that could never even reprogram Windows Vista to be able to open a computer properly.

A study says men who suffer anxiety are twice as likely to die from cancer. Which shows that all that time they were right to be worrying.

A U.S. General says North Korea will build nuclear weapons that will be able to hit the U.S. Which doesn’t really scare a lot of people coming from a country where they are still working on getting electric power and indoor plumbing.

A U.S. General says North Korea will build nuclear weapons that will be able to hit the U.S.  Which could happen as soon as they develop a bicycle with a range of 6,000 miles.

Venezuela says a U.S. plane violated their airspace. The U.S. says it wasn’t a military operation, just a United Airlines jet that got a little off course on a flight from New York to London.

Venezuela says a U.S. plane violated their airspace. Americans were shocked. With all the possible terrorist sponsoring countries around the world, why are we trying to spy on what is going on in Venezuela?

A UK man called police to report his ex-girlfriend is holding his hamster hostage and overfeeding it. Which if nothing else, explains why she decided to become his ex-girlfriend.

The Army is reportedly working on developing an “ambidextrous” hand grenade. Which means if you hold onto it too long, it can just as easily blow off either arm.

A report says the fear of a Donald Trump presidency has caused the Canadian Dollar to drop in value. Which is ironic that Trump’s policies would have an effect on a currency called the “Loonie.”

Mylan CEO Heather Bresch will face a congressional panel investigating the company’s huge price hike on its EpiPen medical device. People say all they want to see now is Congress having to answer the same questions about the national debt.

Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf apologized for his company cheating customers out of $2.6 Million by creating millions of phony accounts, but is refusing to force executives to give any of the money back. Where is he expected to come up with $2.6 Million, other than say his $19.3 Million a year salary?

Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf apologized for his company cheating customers out of $2.6 Million by creating millions of phony accounts, but is refusing to force executives to give any of the money back. In other words, he’s sorry but let’s not get carried away.

The upcoming presidential debate will be streamed on Facebook. Which means that Facebook users who like to see the claws come out won’t have to spend all their time on the computer watching cat videos.

 The upcoming presidential debate will be streamed on Facebook. The only problem with Facebook getting involved in streaming and picking topics is the most often asked question of the candidates is “Can you show us what you had for breakfast?”

A report says that Donald Trump used his charity foundation to pay fines levied against his businesses. Mostly because Trump feels if it’s called the Donald J. Trump Foundation, what better cause to donate to than Donald J. Trump?

NASCAR has been hit with a lawsuit claiming racial discrimination. To which NASCAR is saying what does having a bunch of cars going around a track trying to win an event have to do with anything using the word “race”?

NASCAR has been hit with a lawsuit claiming racial discrimination. To which NASCAR says it long ago made sure that no one carrying a Confederate flag to a race would be able to hide under a white hood.

Consumer Reports says that rules for driverless cars are “not strong enough.” Although there has never been a report so far of a driverless car going over the speed limit and texting while drunk behind the wheel.

A federal regulator says the Wells Fargo bank accounts scandal shows an “overall weakness in the bank’s management.” Although apparently nowhere near as weak as the federal regulators who are supposed to keep an eye on what they are doing.

MIT researchers are using radio waves to detect if people are happy, sad or excited. They came up with the idea after seeing how AM radio waves have been used for years to make millions of older white people angry.

AAA says U.S. drivers wasted $2.1 Billion last year buying premium gasoline. Mostly because the extra money they pay just goes into an account used to buy oil company executives a new premium beach vacation home.

A report says iPhone 7 users are hearing a “hissing” noise coming from the devices. To which Apple is saying those people are probably just using the phones to watch too many Youtube cat videos.

Music streaming site Spotify and dating app Tinder are combining to connect users based on their musical tastes. Which means people can cut right to the chase and when they see someone is a Justin Bieber fan they can immediately swipe left.

Donald Trump told the President of Egypt that he has a high regard for peace-loving Muslims. Which was fine until he added “all three of them.”

Comcast is set to launch a wireless phone service by 2017. Which is good news for the people who can then use their cellphones to make uninterrupted calls to complain that their cable TV service is down again.

Comcast is set to launch a wireless phone service by 2017. People using the service will be able to make phone calls by appointment and will have them completed sometime next Monday through Friday between 8am and 5pm.

A study says stress may undo women’s healthy food choices. Especially when the stress is from not being able to take another day of eating nothing but kale, spinach and tofu.

The American Heart Association says that too much or too little sleep may contribute to the risk of heart disease. Which is good that they finally narrowed that down for everyone.

A study says fitness trackers don’t improve a person’s weight loss efforts. Especially when the users set their tracker’s GPS so that their run conveniently takes them past the nearest Krispy Kreme, McDonald’s and Starbucks.

A study says that babies are less cute to opioid users. Mostly because while they can steal candy from them, they are mostly just interested in anyone that can offer them a few hits of Oxycontin.

A study says people with alcohol dependence who want to quit get the best results with abstinence. To which some of the subjects were asking what cutting back on sex has to do with their drinking.

A study says people with alcohol dependence who want to quit get the best results with abstinence. The problem is if the people with an alcohol dependency could just quit drinking, they wouldn’t be looking for a cure for their dependence on alcohol.

A study says seniors are not taking advantage of Internet based health resources. Mostly because it takes them 45 minutes just to try to figure out how to get their computer to boot up every day.

A study says seniors are not taking advantage of Internet based health resources. Mostly because they are tired of typing in their symptoms only to see once again they have been given less than a month to live.

A study says seniors are not taking advantage of Internet based health resources. Mostly the ones who don’t like to use computers as they just now figured out how to get their VCR to stop flashing “12:00.”

A study says that drinking beer makes people happier, friendlier and sexier. Just not to others.

A study says that drinking beer makes people happier, friendlier and sexier. Because what woman can possibly resist a man with a beer gut who continually belches and slurs every other word?

A study says healthy eating may make kids better readers. Mostly the ones who get kale salad with turnips for every meal and ask for books because they find it tastier to tear out and eat the pages.

A study says healthy eating may make kids better readers. Especially the ones who can’t read any of the words in their books that are completely obscured from being smeared with the French fry grease all over their fingers.

Kellogg’s has recalled 10,000 cases of Eggo Waffles over concerns of listeria. Although even with the bacteria they are still healthier than their Frosted Flakes, Fruit Loops and Cocoa Krispies.

Jared Leto is set to star in a biopic about Andy Warhol. It’s the one time Leto won’t have to be directed to try and be more normal.

Outgoing PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem says that Tiger Woods is his pick for the greatest golfer ever. Who else could win 14 majors while juggling 15 mistresses?

A report says the ACC would turn to an analytics company to decide the winner in the event of a three way tie. Mostly because all of the conference executives were stumped about what to do with three contestants and just a two sided coin.

Tim Tebow is insisting his attempt at baseball is “not a publicity stunt.” That was more of a description of his time in the NFL, as a broadcaster and as a book author.

A report says that North Korea has only 28 websites on its country’s domain. What’s worse is that 27 of them show an endless loop of a video instructional on getting the exact same haircut as Kim Jong-un.

California has passed a law to reduce greenhouse gas emissions from dairy farms. The tricky part is to get any of the cows passing gas to say “excuse me.”

Donald Trump says blacks in the U.S. are in their worst shape, “ever, ever, ever.” That is, unless you count those other brief episodes like slavery, the Dred Scott decision, the marches in the South, Rosa Parks…

Donald Trump says “places like Afghanistan are safer than some of our inner cities.” Which is interesting as he feels a country made up entirely of Muslims is safer than the cities he wants to ban any Muslims from ever even visiting.

Donald Trump says he likes using other people’s money. Like when he is President spending all the money they had hoped to someday have for their retirement, kids’ education and paying off their debt.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tomorrow is the first day of autumn. Right on time, Donald Trump’s hair has turned orange, now we just have to wait and see when it all falls out. Hopefully it will just be all pulled out as part of a temper tantrum following his loss at the polls in November. That’s still a long ways off, so in the meantime just remember to keep on always sending the love!

No comments: