Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The backpack containing five pipe bombs in New York City was found by two homeless men looking through a dumpster. Which has caused Donald Trump to abandon his plan to create 25 Million jobs so that he can have more people on the lookout for terrorists.

London Mayor Sadiq Khan threw out the first pitch at a Mets game. After the ball made it over the plate and to the catcher, Khan was immediately signed on as a reliever by the Atlanta Braves.

A report says China is facing a full blown bank crisis. The reasons are excesses in their credit system, lack of regulation and actually loaning money they have no chance of ever getting back to the U.S.

A report says China is facing a full blown bank crisis. Once the country ditched communism and adapted to U.S. capitalism, it was only a matter of time before the country’s population of a billion people all ended up hopelessly in debt.

The art market is in a crash, with sales down 91%. The difference will be unlike the mortgage industry collapse, this affects only rich people so that means we will be seeing art dealers by the dozens being sent to jail.

A study says that people see objects labeled as art differently than they would otherwise. Which is similar to when people in New York City have a garbage strike, they gift wrap their trash when they set it outside and it is gone overnight.

A study says that people see objects labeled as art differently than they would otherwise. Which means as soon as the art community comes around, my collection of Dogs Playing Poker paintings will be worth a fortune.

A report says a world without work, where robots are doing all the jobs will be coming in the future. Which will finally let everyone else finally get to experience what it is like to be a government employee.

A study says Internet addiction may signal people’s other mental health issues. Like an obsessive-compulsive disorder in feeling the need to have everyone else online see what they have eaten for breakfast every day for the past five years.

A study says Internet addiction may signal people’s other mental health issues. Especially those who think there is nothing wrong with sitting in the same spot and watching cat videos for five hours every day.

Carnival Cruise Lines has launched three network TV shows to promote the cruise industry. The sad news is that none of them features the return to prime time TV of Captain Merrill Stubing.

Carnival Cruise Lines has launched three network TV shows to promote the cruise industry. The last time there were three shows on TV that showed what it was like to take a cruise on Carnival was when they were still airing episodes of “Emergency,” “M*A*S*H” and “General Hospital.”

A study says men perform better in bed when under a spotlight. Although most men would prefer it even more if they could trade that in for a magnifying glass.

Security was tighter for Monday night’s airing of ABC’s “Dancing With The Stars.” Although people were much more concerned about the possibility of a bomb when getting tickets to watch the taping of any shows on CBS.

A report says because of food shortages, 15% of all Venezuelans are being forced to eat garbage to survive. Which is nothing compared to the 93% of Americans who do the same thing every day when they go to McDonald’s, Burger King and Taco Bell.

A report says that Russia is planning to revive the KGB following the strengthening of Vladimir Putin’s ruling party. When Donald Trump heard the news he became upset, saying “I thought of it first!”

France has banned the use of plastic forks and knives because of their effects on climate change. Although so far it hasn’t really helped that long ago they also quit using razors, soap and deodorant.

Hillary Clinton’s pneumonia is being cited as the reason for a large drop in the value of the Mexican Peso. Mostly because they know that if anything happens to Clinton, half their jobs will disappear the day Donald Trump moves into the White House.

Maine has bought computer language programs instead of hiring teachers to teach language classes. The trick of getting students motivated to learn a new language  was achieved when the program dubbed Pokemon Go into French and Spanish.

Google self-driving cars were reportedly involved in three crashes in Phoenix. Apparently the other drivers were unable to deal with cars on the road that didn’t have their turn signals constantly flashing.

Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf is fighting to hold his $19.3 Million a year job in the wake of the bank being charged with signing up customers to phony bank accounts. Even the CEO of the EpiPen maker Mylan is saying that guy is being paid too much.

Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf is fighting to hold his $19.3 Million a year job in the wake of the bank being charged with signing up customers to phony bank accounts. It’s just a good thing he wasn’t a teller who would have been fired immediately for something really egregious, like giving a customer $20 more than they withdrew.

A report says there are now 1 Million pentamillionaires, or people with $5 Million or more in the U.S. Which are mostly the people who bought what was a $50,000 house in 1980 in Silicon Valley and have finally finished paying off the mortgage.

A report says there are now 1 Million pentamillionaires, or people with $5 Million or more in the U.S. Which was confusing news to many who thought “pentamillionaire” was the name of the latest character they needed to capture in Pokemon Go.

Consumer Reports says that Apple’s iPhone 7’s dual cameras don’t live up to their hype. The review also included opinions on its Internet connectivity and app capability. When asked about its phone quality, the reviewer said “Phone?”

Consumer Reports says that Apple’s iPhone 7’s dual cameras don’t live up to their hype. Apparently the dual cameras just aren’t enough for the people who need a device that can take at least three selfies they can post online at the same time.

Kmart has announced they will be closing another 64 stores. People were shocked at the news. Kmart still has 64 stores?

Uber is planning to open an office in Detroit. Apparently there is a large demand there for cars that can be used by gangs for self-driving-by shootings.

A study says half the guns in the U.S. are owned by 3% of the population. The other half are stockpiled in whatever vehicle is being driven by George Zimmerman.

A study says half the guns in the U.S. are owned by 3% of the population. The other half are owned by the other 97% of the population who are afraid for their safety because of the half that are owned by the 3%.

A study says there has been no change in the use of antibiotics in hospitals over the years. Mostly because they need them to fight off all the infections that are caught by patients during their stay in the hospital.

A study says there has been no change in the use of antibiotics in hospitals over the years. Mostly because they know they can charge $200 a prescription and no one will ever question it.

Researchers in the UK are trying to find out if it is true that some people feel pain before it starts to rain. The only problem is that being in the UK, they have been waiting the past three years for a break in the rain to run their tests before it starts up again.

Researchers in the UK are trying to find out if it is true that some people feel pain before it starts to rain. After that, they will test to see how susceptible the people there are to getting burned on the three days of the year they see the Sun.

The World Bank says that drug resistant infections could put 28 Million people into poverty by 2050. Which is still not as many as the number put into poverty trying to pay their pharmacy bill every month for their antibiotics prescriptions.

Ultra runner Karl Meltzer set a record for running the Appalachian Trail in 45 days being fueled by beer and candy. Which is ironic in that former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was drinking beer and giving his Argentine girlfriend candy when he tried to make everyone think he was on the Appalachian Trail.

Actress Amanda Abbington says her purse was stolen at the Emmys when she went onstage to pick up the award for the “Sherlock Holmes” movie she was in. When event security was informed about the theft they said “No shit?” (Sorry, the joke wouldn’t have worked any other way lol)

The biopic about Edward Snowden crashed at the box office, finishing in only fourth place over the weekend. Mostly because people had already seen the entire movie after someone leaked it online.

A report says autonomous boats will hit the water by 2017. The idea of a boat propelling itself without a captain is nothing new. Just ask anyone who has ever signed on to take a cruise with Carnival.

Indonesia says Apple has paid only .1% of its taxes in the past five years. After Apple found out they had paid .1% of their taxes, they fired their Indonesian accounting team. What were they thinking, paying out any tax money?

Indonesia says Apple has paid only .1% of its taxes in the past five years. The good news for Indonesia is that .1% of Apple’s tax bill still makes up half the country’s GDP.

A report says George Washington’s family tree is biracial as some of his relatives had children with slaves. Which means even in this age of diversity, he still holds his place as the Father of the Country.

Donald Trump says the upcoming presidential debate is “rigged.” Mostly because like the Republican debates, he doesn’t have any easy targets to pick on like Rand Paul, Ted Cruz or Ben Carson.

Donald Trump bemoaned the New York City bombing suspect getting “amazing” hospital care along with an “outstanding” lawyer. Which means that while he has already pretty much decided to repeal the Constitution, now he is even going after the Hippocratic Oath.

Newt Gingrich says that Hillary Clinton is “deranged” for blaming Donald Trump for the New York City bombings. He feels if she would listen to Donald Trump she would find out the responsibility for the bombs was really all on Hillary Clinton.

Moderator Lester Holt says the first presidential debate topics will be the direction of the country, achieving prosperity and America’s security. Which means all the questions will center on the candidates’ health, tax returns and e-mail.

Moderator Lester Holt says the first presidential debate topics will be the direction of the country, achieving prosperity and America’s security. The good part will be about prosperity, when the candidates reveal the way to get rich is running fraudulent universities and giving high paying corporate speeches.

The moderators for the presidential debates will be Lester Holt from NBC, Martha Raddatz from ABC, CNN’s Anderson Cooper and Chris Wallace of Fox News. It will be the one time no one is asking “Where in the world is Matt Lauer?”

A poll says that e-mails are what a majority of Americans have heard the most about Hillary Clinton’s campaign. Which means Republicans have been successful and don’t have to go forward with their alternate plans to expose her use of Facebook, Twitter and Pokemon Go.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Let me check my calendar, here. Next Monday, presidential debate. Check. November 8th, presidential election. Check. January 20th, presidential inauguration. Check. January 21st, end of world. Check. Well, that pretty much clears my schedule after that. Why don’t we all get together for lunch the following Wednesday? Until that time, just remember to keep on always sending the love!


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