Friday, September 02, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A SpaceX rocket exploded in Florida, destroying a Facebook satellite that was going to bring the Internet to sub-Saharan Africa. The worst part is now all the people in Africa won’t be able to watch video of the rocket explosion on Youtube.

A SpaceX rocket exploded in Florida, destroying a Facebook satellite that was going to bring the Internet to sub-Saharan Africa. Now people in Africa can’t go online with their iPad, which now means “Implosion on the launch Pad.”

A SpaceX rocket exploded in Florida, destroying a Facebook satellite that was going to bring the Internet to sub-Saharan Africa. Not only did SpaceX founder Elon Musk see his company’s future become bleak, he was defriended by Mark Zuckerberg.

A SpaceX rocket exploded in Florida, destroying a Facebook satellite that was going to bring the Internet to sub-Saharan Africa. Which serves SpaceX founder Elon Musk right for trying to fit the rocket with one of his Tesla Autopilot self-driving systems.

Georgetown University says it will give slave descendants preferential status for admission. Mostly because they will be the most likely to submit to a lifetime of working three jobs with low wages to pay off all their college loans.

Rutgers students are being told to use language that is “helpful” and “necessary” to avoid committing microagressions. The only question is who is going to be concerned about being bullied around by someone from Rutgers in the first place?

Wal-Mart is planning to cut 7,000 jobs in the U.S. The good news for those people is that they will notice a pay raise as soon as they start collecting their checks for unemployment.

Pam Anderson says people should stop looking at porn. Which is sad to see she has come to the realization she is now just too old to sell any more sex tapes.

JetBlue sent a 5 year old passenger to Boston when he was supposed to be on a flight to New York City. Apparently the ticket taker made a mistake and instead of sending him to JFK thought they meant he was going to the city with the JFK Library.

JetBlue sent a 5 year old passenger to Boston when he was supposed to be on a flight to New York City. Or as United Airlines calls that kind of situation, “close enough.”

An American college student who was kidnapped in 2004 and was believed to be dead was found to be alive after being forced to tutor North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un. It’s just too bad the North Koreans weren’t able to kidnap someone who knows how to cut hair.

Mexico’s president says Donald Trump’s ideas are a threat to the future of Mexico. Which is not that big of an issue as Mexico will only have to get by for two years after Trump’s election before the planet is destroyed by thermonuclear war anyways.

Italy will hold its first Fertility Day on September 22nd to celebrate motherhood and fatherhood and to try to reverse its falling birth rate. In order to turn things around, they have appointed the event’s honorary chairman as Kevin Federline.

The European Union is justifying its $15 Billion tax bill on Apple saying the corporation paid a 0.005% tax rate in 2014. Apple says they are just making that number up. It should actually have about three more zeroes followed by a one.

The European Union is justifying its $15 Billion tax bill on Apple saying the corporation paid a 0.005% tax rate in 2014. Apple says that will never happen again as they immediately fired that incompetent tax accountant for sticking them with such a high rate.

Lindsay Lohan has lost a lawsuit against the video game “Grand Theft Auto,” claiming they based a character on her image. To which GTA creators say is not true, the only thing they based on Lohan is the way everyone in the game drives.

An analyst says Mylan executives may have raised the price of the EpiPen devices in order to hit company profit targets. Which for most executives, the target is the image of a beach home in the Hamptons with a Ferrari in the driveway.

Entenmann’s is recalling some of its Little Bites brownies because of reports they contain pieces of plastic. The recall nearly didn’t happen when the company realized that the plastic is actually more nutritious than any of the snack’s other ingredients.

A study says sitting in traffic during commutes costs workers an average of $1,000 a year. Mostly when they cut off another driver that turns into a road rage incident and they get their Emergency Room bill.

A Seattle suburb has voted to opt the city out of Pokemon Go. That decision could come back to haunt councilors when young adults go to the polls in the next election and kick them out of office with a write-in campaign for Pikachu.

A study says nearly half of all men had problems with sexual function in the year after having a heart attack. Especially when the heart attack was triggered when their wives discovered they bought a membership with Ashley Madison.

A study says cancer surgeons are hesitant to tell patients the odds the procedure curing them. At least not until they can be totally honest once the patient is stitched back up and the check has arrived from the insurance company.

A report says the fattest state in the nation is Louisiana, where 36% of the people are obese. That could spawn a new reality weight loss show called “The Biggest Loser-iana."

A study says that lives are lost when people don’t prepare as well for a hurricane with a woman’s name because they sound less threatening. The answer is to scare everyone equally by naming each hurricane either “Hillary” or “Donald.”

A study says Americans are less likely to report being in excellent health now than they were in 2008. Mostly because in 2008 only a few people had an iPhone, which has since then turned everyone into vegetables who spend their days doing nothing but stare into a screen.

A study says an increasing number of U.S. adults are smoking pot, with 10 Million more people using it in 2014 than in 2002. Which is good news for anyone who bought stock in Domino’s, Hostess or Nabisco in the past 14 years.

Chris Brown released a new song the day after his arrest for pulling a gun on a woman. The song is called “What Would You Do?” Which the answer for anyone seeing Chris Brown would be “Call 911.”

Chris Brown released a new song the day after his arrest for pulling a gun on a woman. The song is called “What Would You Do?” Which when he is sentenced for this crime the answer would be “Don’t Drop The Soap.”

Britney Spears says motherhood has helped with her long battle overcoming anxiety. Which started pretty much the moment she realized she had just married Kevin Federline.

Britney Spears says motherhood has helped with her long battle overcoming anxiety. Especially when she learned to not become too wound up when she realized she forgot to feed them and pick them up from school for three straight days.

Kylie Jenner gave her boyfriend Tyga a brand new Bentley after his Ferrari was repossessed. That is probably a move in the right direction, which after three or four more repos she will realize he is probably more suited to owning a 1993 Camry.

MMA Champ Ronda Rousey says if there were more martial arts there would be less violence in the world. In other words, instead of having a presidential debate we need to get Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump together into the Octagon.

MMA Champ Ronda Rousey says if there were more martial arts there would be less violence in the world. In other words, if more world leaders would have to face each other in the Octagon, we wouldn’t have to rely so much on the Pentagon.

Vikings quarterback Teddy Bridgewater is upbeat about his recovery from a knee injury, saying he comes from “amazing DNA.” Which means if his knee never heals right he still has a future as the next Republican presidential candidate.

Vikings quarterback Teddy Bridgewater is upbeat about his recovery from a knee injury, saying he comes from “amazing DNA.” Wait, isn’t Teddy Bridgewater that talking bear?

Italy says it may bow out of the bidding for the 2024 Olympics and may try again with a city other than Rome in 2028. Apparently, traditionalists have a problem seeing the Coliseum being fitted with luxury boxes and a poolside cabana.

Samsung is recalling its Galaxy Note 7 because of reports of exploding batteries. The batteries are so dangerous that one of them exploded resulting in critical injuries and hospitalization while Charizard was being captured.

A lawsuit claims a Golden State Warriors app listens in on and records smartphone conversations. Although they pretty much turned off the feature when all the conversations after Game 7 of the NBA Finals were phone calls to the NBA Store asking for their money back for their Stephen Curry jerseys.

A chef claimed he went deaf after eating a plate of what were billed as the world’s hottest noodles. Although it turns out it was just a temporary hearing loss from blowing out his own eardrums while screaming “Water!”

IBM’s Watson is being used to analyze information to bolster fans’ experience at the U.S. Open tennis tournament. The only problem is that anytime he has an issue with any new projects he barks out “You cannot be serious!”

A security expert says being required to change computer passwords often can actually make them weaker. Especially for people who have trouble memorizing anything more complex than “12345.”

Joe Biden gave a speech where he called Donald Trump “irresponsible.” The best way to make Trump more responsible is to instead have him run for a position where there are no responsibilities at all, like Vice President.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign raised $143 Million in August. Most of that was pledged in the minutes directly following the latest policy speech by Donald Trump.

The federal government has issued its final guide to protecting the sage grouse. Which confused many people who thought the words protect, sage and grouse had to do with the Secret Service agents assigned to Bernie Sanders.

The president of Mexico explained why he decided to meet with Donald Trump. When he found out a hotel owner was talking about an extensive high rise project between their two countries, he had no idea Trump was still talking about the wall.

A Fox News poll says that Americans feel we are less safe now than we were before 9/11. Which isn’t true because if we were safe before 9/11, then 9/11 wouldn’t have ever happened.

A Fox News poll says that Americans feel we are less safe now than we were before 9/11. Which pretty much only proves those people regularly watch Fox News.

Spirit Airlines is planning to start flying to Cuba from South Florida in December. Apparently it is for people who miss the service, travel conditions and luxury of traveling between Cuba and the mainland on a raft flotilla.

A report says half of Donald Trump’s Hispanic advisory board is ready to resign. The other one says they still might stay on.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Labor Day holiday weekend is here. That is when people celebrate the days before George W. Bush when they actually were still a part of the labor force. I hope you all have a safe and happy weekend. These jokes will have to last through Monday as I will be taking the day off as part of my contract with this blog that says I can take holidays off for no pay, which is exactly the same salary I get for the days I do work. So that works out. I think this is a pretty good batch so hopefully it will get you through the extra day. If not, it’s a holiday. Get away from the computer and do something. Like making sure to remember to always keep on sending the love!


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