Sunday, September 18, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says sex dolls of the future will be able to move, smile and have interchangeable parts. Which will finally give men who grew up in the 1960s their lifelong wish of being able to date Cher.

A report says sex dolls of the future will be able to move, smile and even have a pulse. Which means it will give men a completely different experience than they ever had while they were married.

Famous exorcist Father Gabriele Amorth has died at age 91 in Rome. Although exorcists never really die, they are just repossessed.

A study says one quarter of Americans believe they won’t be able to retire at age 70. The other three fourths are just hoping to be able to find a job and get started on paying off their college tuition loans by then.

A study says one quarter of Americans believe they won’t be able to retire by age 70. The worst part is that in this economy, the new term for “retirement party” will be “funeral.”

A study says one quarter of Americans believe they won’t be able to retire at age 70. The good news is they won’t have to work that long because of our diet and lack of exercise, most of them won’t live to see 50.

A high school in Texas is set to build a football stadium for $70 Million. Money is no problem thanks to the Texas State School Board which saves a fortune by stocking shelves in the school libraries with nothing but copies of the Bible.

A man in Los Angeles was captured after barricading himself on an Amtrak train for eight hours. The man would have surrendered sooner but insisted on waiting until he finally got the sandwich he ordered from the service car.

A survey says 90% of Millennials want to be a homeowner someday. Mostly just so they can see what it is like to actually live inside the part of the house that sits above the basement.

A survey says 90% of Millennials want to be a homeowner someday. Not because they want to own a home, but because it will mean they have finally made enough money to own a home.

The movie “Deepwater Horizon” about the Gulf Oil Spill will be released later this month, shot on a budget of $156 Million. The movie runs 107 minutes, or what BP calls about the twice the time it takes them to run up $156 Million in profits.

Wells Fargo is being sued by customers over fees they collected for phony accounts. Although many of their customers were just excited over having their name on an account that wasn’t overdrawn.

A report says a 58 story high luxury condo building in San Francisco is sinking and has now started to lean two inches to the side. Which in San Francisco could affect sales depending on whether it prefers hanging to the left or right.

A report says a 58 story high luxury condo building in San Francisco is sinking and has now started to lean two inches. The good news is that the problem will mean a modest discount for prospective buyers of $4 Million off the price of each condo.

A report says a 58 story high luxury condo building in San Francisco is sinking and has now started to lean two inches to the side. Which means it’s hard to even find a building in the city that is straight.

A report says a 58 story high luxury condo building in San Francisco is sinking and has now started to lean two inches to the side. Buyers are told not to worry, all it will take to straighten it up again will be the next 4.5 Magnitude earthquake.

A Youtube star is making $1,800 a month by reviewing fast food. The only problem is that eating junk food for every meal means he is paying out $2,500 a month in medical bills.

The marketing chief for Chipotle is back at work after being arrested for buying cocaine. Mostly because needing cash to pay his legal bills and coke dealer makes him desperate enough to take a job trying to get people to eat at Chipotle.

California added 63,000 new jobs in August which was 42% of the total for the entire country. Who knew that there were that many opportunities to start a career as a barista?

California added 63,000 new jobs in August which was 42% of the total for the entire country. The only problem is that they need even more to support the three jobs everyone needs there in order to afford to live in California.

A report says that for Donald Trump to reach his promise of creating 25 Million new jobs, he will need a wave of new immigrants. Which is no problem as he will build one wall to keep them out, then have the ones who made it in build another so he won’t ever have to see them.

A survey says the economy is the top problem for Americans as the presidential debates near. Which means most the questions for the candidates will be about their health records, tax returns and e-mails.

A study says that sex education globally is out of touch with teenagers. Especially when high school students are the ones going to the daycare across the street to pick up their toddlers.

A new anti-bullying app matches teens with someone to sit with them at lunch. The only problem is having a meal to sit down with in the first place because the bullies have taken all their lunch money.

A study says that people are confessing to playing Pokemon Go while driving. The first evidence of that happening was when Charizard was found run over in a crosswalk.

Mylan is moving to shift the high cost of their EpiPen allergy device to others. At least anyone other than their $18 Million a year CEO.

A report says a change in policy for drug studies will give the public access to the findings of the studies faster. Which means we are now spending much of the money for drug studies on studies about drug studies.

A study says medical marijuana programs may cut down on the use of opioids. Especially when the people with pot prescriptions get too stoned to remember which room the medicine cabinet is in.

Lindsay Lohan will make a guest appearance on Jamie Oliver’s British cooking show. Mostly because he knows she is one of the few stars who will get stoned enough to actually try to eat some British food.

Lindsay Lohan will make a guest appearance on Jamie Oliver’s British cooking show. The meal she is planning to cook is Penne a la Vodka, Tequila Chicken, beer battered fish which will be finished off with a rum cake.

John Legend says that Donald Trump is “uniquely terrible.” And who would be able to read Trump better than someone who has changed his own name to “Legend”?

A Brazilian actor has drowned near where he was shooting scenes for a soap opera. Although it is being called an accident, some regular viewers are already suspecting the culprit could be his evil twin.

A Brazilian actor has drowned in a river near where he was shooting scenes for a soap opera. Authorities were shocked. He should have been done in way before that by the bacteria, medical waste and garbage floating in the river waters.

Jay Z described the war on drugs an “epic fail” in an op-ed for the New York Times. And who would know an epic fail better than the person who started the music streaming service Tidal?

James Woods says he will “never watch the NFL again” because of Colin Kaepernick’s National Anthem protest. To which most NFL fans say is fine since they have sworn to never watch “Scary Movie 2” again, either.

Philadelphia Eagles safety Malcolm Jenkins says the team will “definitely make a statement” before the National Anthem Monday night. Which is smart since the way the Eagles are playing most people will have changed the channel by halftime.

George Washington University has fired basketball coach Mike Lonergan for verbal and emotional abuse of his players. He should know if you want to act like Bobby Knight, you can only get away with it as long as you win a few NCAA Championships.

Cubs President Theo Epstein was seen sitting in the bleachers wearing a disguise at a game last week. Which is sad to see that Cubs executives are so used to going out in public incognito they still do it by habit even after clinching the division.

Olive Garden’s promotional Never Ending Pasta passes were being sold on eBay for as much as $4,500. Which is exactly the same amount it will cost the buyers when the offer is over to go through the follow up lap band weight loss surgery.

Dutch police are training eagles to attack and destroy drones. However, they are also taught to be careful to not damage the payloads, especially for the drones carrying packages in Dunkin’ Donuts boxes.

Chimpanzee expert Jane Goodall says Donald Trump’s debate style is similar to a male chimp performing a dominance ritual. The only difference is that when the chimps do it they aren’t smart enough to figure out how to get the media to give it 24/7 around the clock coverage.

Former Defense Secretary Robert Gates says that Donald Trump is “beyond repair.” Which has been said many times before, but the other times it was mostly just about his haircut.

Donald Trump says Hillary Clinton’s bodyguards should disarm “to see what happens to her.” Although Bill Clinton knows she would be safe as long as she can get her hands on a couple of place settings of White House China.

Third party candidates Gary Johnson and Jill Stein have missed the cut for the first presidential debate later this month. Apparently they weren’t able to complete the backflips, somersaults and other acrobatic stunts necessary to be able to keep up with the circus atmosphere set by Clinton, Trump and the moderators.

An architect fell 48 floors to his death while examining a skyscraper he was working on in New York City. Apparently the final words he wrote in his notebook were “needs railing.”

Mel Gibson is reportedly going to become a father for the ninth time. The good news is the other eight will make sure the latest addition has a long supply of hand me downs and will have a closet full of brown shirts that will last for years.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The first presidential debate will be a week from Monday. Or as that is known in the comedy world, “Christmas Day.” The whole world will be watching to see where in the world Matt Lauer left his relevant questions. Although the real question is when are the moderators going to be chosen from the shows that can handle this kind of event the best, meaning “Entertainment Tonight,” “Access Hollywood” and “The Kardashians”? I know I’ll be in front of the set that night. I just need to move the TV close enough to the wall to have something to bang my head against the entire evening. But everything will be just fine with the world again once I see that all of you still remember to keep on sending the love!


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