Friday, September 16, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Donald Trump says his economic plan will result in a 4% growth of the economy along with 25 Million new jobs. And that’s just from the work created by Trump putting people to work painting the word “Trump” on every building in the country.

European Union Parliament Chief Martin Schulz says that Donald Trump is a problem for the whole world. To which Trump says that means he is so great he now has the ability to bring the entire planet together.

A report says bomb dogs failed dozens of tests at ten major U.S. airports. Apparently the terrorists figured out all they need to do to get a bomb on a plane is make sure the suitcase next to the one with the explosives contains a baloney sandwich.

A Florida woman has been arrested for making a bomb threat to stop her boyfriend from having to take a urine test. Ironically, when the word got out there might be a bomb in the building, it resulted in 300 other simultaneous urine samples.

Facebook is helping to gather questions for the upcoming presidential debates. Which is good news for Matt Lauer who got stumped after only being able to keep coming up with “Mr. Trump, what is it that makes people so eager to vote for you?”

Facebook is helping to gather questions for the upcoming presidential debates. Apparently the media has finally run out of questions to ask the candidates about such pressing issues as their e-mail accounts and hair styles.

Michael Bloomberg has donated $300 Million to Johns Hopkins University to focus on public health challenges. The biggest being finding a way to get both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump to release all their health records.

A report says 10 Million U.S. adults seriously considered committing suicide last year. Mostly those who got talked into binge watching at least three straight seasons of “The Kardashians.”

A report says 10 Million U.S. adults seriously considered committing suicide last year. The rest have decided to wait until November when they find out who wins the election.

Jimmy Carter says the nation is seeing a “resurgence of racism.” Well, so much for the political strategy of “It’s the economy, stupid.”

The World Meteorological Organization says it recorded a world’s record lightning strike that traveled nearly 200 miles over Oklahoma. To which Hillary Clinton says that is the last time she will say “If I am lying may I be struck by lightning.”

Stuntman Eddie Braun will attempt to try Evel Knievel’s failed jump across the Snake River. Although this time it will be a bit less dramatic. Instead of going over in a rocket, he will be carried across while tethered to 15 remote controlled drones.

A report says that optimism is fading over the hope for a year end economic boost. Which is a little disappointing as for most people it feels like once again not getting the gift they have been expecting from Santa Claus every Christmas since 2007.

Elizabeth Warren is asking the FBI why there have been no prosecutions over the 2007 financial crisis. To which the FBI says they were just about to do something about that when they got another tip on the whereabouts of D.B. Cooper.

Elizabeth Warren is asking the FBI why there have been no prosecutions over the 2007 financial crisis. Which agents say they will get right on just as soon as they catch their breath from being made to laugh so hard.

A California man convicted in a $31 Million mortgage scam has been sentenced to 16 years in prison. To which Morgan Stanley, Bank of America and Goldman Sachs executives were all saying “Amateur!”

The Obama Administration is cracking down on corporate tax evasion. Which is good news for tax lawyers who will now be paid even more money by corporations to figure out how to get around the new laws to keep from paying any taxes.

A female employee at Apple is starting a crusade against sexism at the company. Apple executives were surprised. “When did we hire a woman here?”

A female employee at Apple is starting a crusade against sexism at the company. Silicon Valley insiders say her chances on changing company policy will depend on her methods, organization skills and especially if she is really hot.

Donald Trump says he wants to get the economy up to a 4% growth rate. The only bad news will be when it is pointed out the last time the economy was growing that fast, one of the residents in the White House was Hillary Clinton.

A report says more than a fourth of all U.S. adults don’t move any more than to perform the most basic functions of daily life. What’s worse is the basic functions of daily life for most is getting up to go from the couch to the refrigerator and back.

A report says more than a fourth of all U.S. adults don’t move any more than to perform the most basic functions of daily life. The other three fourths are doing additional physical activity just until they finally get tired of playing “Pokemon Go.”

Donald Trump says he hangs out with 39 year old Tom Brady and feels the same age. Which isn’t that hard to do, especially since Brady has been benched by the league for four straight weeks.

Donald Trump says he hangs out with 39 year old Tom Brady and feels the same age. Mostly because Brady doesn’t mind being around overinflated pigskins that are always leaking air.

A study says 65% of Americans are satisfied with how the health care system works. The other 35% are still waiting for their computer to be able to make it all the way through the Obamacare website.

A study says 65% of Americans are satisfied with how the health care system works. The other 35% were too busy to take part in the research because they have taken on three different jobs to pay off their medical bills.

A study says middle aged hearts benefit from a combination of diet and exercise. To which most middle aged people are saying “try again.”

California is moving to allow undocumented immigrants buy health insurance. The good news is that if Donald Trump is elected President they won’t need to because only the really healthy ones will be able to make it over that wall in the first place.

A 14 year old girl in Houston had a cochlear implant which allowed her to hear her mother’s voice for the first time. To which she said “Can you quit bugging me for just one minute?!”

Halle Berry says her beauty hindered her success in Hollywood. To which Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Alba are all saying “Me, too!”

Rights groups riding the publicity of a new film by Oliver Stone are calling for a pardon of documents leaker Edward Snowden. Others are asking for Stone to finally be pardoned for making “Natural Born Killers.”

A plan to use $750 Million in public money to build a domed stadium for the Raiders to play football in Las Vegas has cleared a committee. Apparently the people of Las Vegas were swayed with the idea that on non-football days the stadium could be used to house the world’s largest off-site casino buffet.

San Diego Padre General Manager A.J. Preller has been suspended for six months for submitting false medical records concerning an impending trade. The good news is that while he is out of baseball he has been offered a consulting position by both the Clinton and Trump presidential campaigns.

Republican House members are seeking to review claims that the NFL tried to influence a brain disease study. Which is just loaded in irony any time Congress tries to get involved in anything having to do with brain injuries.

Tim Tebow says he has had opportunities to change positions but only wants to play quarterback. Although someone should tell him he may need to rethink that now that he has signed a contract to play in the minor leagues in baseball.

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has ordered a recall of 1 Million Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phones over dangers of catching fire and exploding. It was found the phones are bursting into flames after being overworked by people texting the entire phrase “U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission.”

The House Intelligence Committee has sent a letter to President Obama urging him to not pardon Edward Snowden. The worst part is that the letter was going to be secret until it was posted by Wikileaks.

The House Intelligence Committee has sent a letter to President Obama urging him to not pardon Edward Snowden. Mostly because after leaking all those documents, Snowden showed how the Intelligence Committee is made up of a bunch of complete incompetents.

A spokesman for Donald Trump says that billionaire investor Peter Thiel is not being considered as a nominee for the Supreme Court. Mostly because people are afraid once he gets that position, the national debt will be placed under the guidance of PayPal.

A spokesman for Donald Trump says that billionaire investor Peter Thiel is not being considered as a nominee for the Supreme Court. Which would be embarrassing if he were as so far his legal resume consists pretty much of funding Hulk Hogan’s sex tape lawsuit against Gawker.

A security researcher says the FBI could have used technology costing about $100 to open the San Bernardino shooters’ iPhone instead of the $1 Million they paid to hackers. Although the FBI says it was worth it, as otherwise they may never have known what the shooters had for breakfast and how many cat videos they “liked.”

Donald Trump brushed off the release of an e-mail from Colin Powell describing Trump as a “national disgrace.” Although Trump says he was disappointed that at this point he should be considered larger than national.

Donald Trump gave an interview where he still refused to admit that President Obama was born in the U.S. Although his campaign says they have gotten away from trying to disprove Obama’s birth certificate and are now more focused on going through Hillary Clinton’s health records to show she is legally dead.

Donald Trump went on “The Tonight Show” and let Jimmy Fallon mess up his hair. The only scary part was after Fallon tussled Trump’s hair and the show had to be stopped for 25 minutes before a search party could be organized to find him.

Donald Trump started a rally in New Hampshire without the traveling press who were delayed at an airport. Which just meant the traveling press missed a speech that included hearing a half hour’s worth of insults about the traveling press.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Can’t. Take. Much. More. I’m sorry, no one likes campaign sniping more than yours truly because it gives me my easiest material. But seriously, could this election season last any longer? Don’t answer that. In Canada, the whole cycle lasts eleven weeks. They did that and picked somebody GOOD. That really says something. Oh, well. If you want to say something, it is always a good thing when you take the time to keep on always sending the love!



No comments: