Thursday, September 15, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A New York State Assemblyman won a primary election despite being dead. Which is just more good news for the campaign of Hillary Clinton.

A survey says that 30% of Americans think Hillary Clinton wouldn’t survive her first term as President. Which is no big deal because if you look at the health conditions of most Americans, they wouldn’t survive her first term either.

An Austrian woman is suing her parents for posting embarrassing photos of her as a child on Facebook. If she wins, that could put a scare into every parent in the U.S. that has humiliated their children by telling their friends every personal detail of what they did from the time they were three.

Ford is planning on shifting its small car production to Mexico. Apparently they are working on the premise that if Donald Trump builds his wall, they won’t need big cars in Mexico to bring in a lot of people across the border in the trunk.

Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan says the U.S. political and economic system could be undermined by “crazies.” The only question is where has this guy been since 1965?

In Venezuela, hyperinflation has driven the price of eggs to $150 a dozen. Now they know what it is like for people in the U.S. who do their shopping at Whole Foods.

In Venezuela, hyperinflation has driven the price of eggs to $150 a dozen. To which Justin Bieber’s neighbors in the U.S. are asking why couldn’t something like that happen here?

A kindergarten student in Trenton, New Jersey brought 30 packets of heroin to school. Fortunately, the child was not expelled as that only happens to children who come to school with the forbidden substance of sugar.

A kindergarten student in Trenton, New Jersey brought 30 packets of heroin to school. The teacher reports that following show and tell was the least hyper milk and cookie break they could ever remember.

A “sex crazed” Galapagos tortoise is responsible for fathering 800 offspring and saving the species. To mark the accomplishment, the tortoise was given an official NBA jersey of Shawn Kemp.

A “sex crazed” Galapagos tortoise is responsible for fathering 800 offspring and saving the species. The tortoise is so prolific, it even got a card of congratulations sent personally by Kevin Federline.

A study says larger marine animals are more at risk of becoming extinct. But only when they officially make the all-you-can-eat menu at Red Lobster.

Military experts say that climate change poses a “significant risk” to U.S. national security. Especially if Hillary Clinton is elected President and in the middle of a crisis global warming causes her to become overheated and dehydrated.

Military experts say that climate change poses a “significant risk” to U.S. national security. Especially the next time we invade a Middle Eastern country only to find the biggest threat to our soldiers is being attacked by polar bears.

The iPhone photography awards were announced this week. The winner was the one photo taken with an iPhone that wasn’t actually a selfie.

The iPhone photography awards were announced this week. Camera experts held their breath and were just relieved one of the winners was not an entry by Anthony Weiner.

Tens of millions of workers in India staged what was called the largest one day general strike in history to establish a minimum wage. Which will make Americans happy to know their old job that was outsourced as well as the new one they had to take after being laid off pretty much now both pay the same.

Wells Fargo is being investigated over phony accounts it opened for its customers. Apparently the government getting tougher since they feel a little guilty about letting all the banks off the hook for that whole mortgage crisis economic crash thing back in 2007.

A survey says American trust in media has fallen to an all time low. To which Matt Lauer is saying, “Boy, you have one bad gig as a moderator…”

A survey says American trust in media has fallen to an all time low. Especially the Fox viewers who were stalking Megyn Kelly only to find out this whole time they were being undermined by Roger Ailes.

Ford and Jose Cuervo are reportedly teaming up to make car parts out of the agave plant. Which is always a good idea for public relations when a car manufacturer gives its blessing for a partnership with a Tequila maker.

Ford and Jose Cuervo are reportedly teaming up to make car parts out of the agave plant. Which means anyone having an accident while driving a Ford car will now be described as having “eaten the worm.”

Ford and Jose Cuervo are reportedly teaming up to make car parts out of the agave plant. Which means that the automaker and Tequila maker will combine what they are famous for and will be called “Lemon and Lime.”

Ivanka Trump has reportedly helped her father Donald with his child care plan for working women. Apparently she is being given credit for the part that gives a tax break for all three nannies and the private tutor.

Nielsen says it will end the practice of using paper diaries for ratings starting next year. Which means people will no longer be able to get away with having the TV on “The Kardashians” while writing that they were watching “Downton Abbey.”

Donald Trump made an appearance on “Dr. Oz” to discuss his health. His latest checkup revealed he weighs 267 pounds, to which Chris Christie responded “skinny bitch.”

Donald Trump made an appearance on “Dr. Oz” to discuss his health. His latest checkup revealed he weighs 267 pounds, which was normal as it would actually be 183 pounds without his hair.

Chipotle is reportedly on a spree to hire 5,000 new workers for 200 new store openings. Five of those workers will be food preparers while the other 4,995 will be in charge of wearing hazmat suits and cleaning the E.coli out of all the food bins.

Two top Canadian banks are refusing to do business with cannabis companies because of the “nature of their business.” Which is a little different than how pot companies describe themselves in that nature IS their business.

Two top Canadian banks are refusing to do business with cannabis companies because of the “nature of their business.” It’s just a good thing for the banks that everyone else still uses their services despite the “nature of their business.”

Two top Canadian banks are refusing to do business with cannabis companies because of the “nature of their business.” The only question is will banks discriminate against pizzerias for their direct benefits by association.

A study says some women have trouble sleeping because their internal body clocks are different. Mostly from being subconsciously on alert at 3:00 in the morning so they can catch their husband trying to sneak back into the bedroom.

A study says being around sober friends may make people drink less. Especially for those who like to hang around drunk people who get so wasted they pick up everyone else’s bar tab.

A study says stress makes it tougher for women to conceive. Which is good because the stress never really arrives until long after the child they are trying to have is born and becomes a teenager.

A study says stress makes it tougher for women to conceive. Which is ironic because there is no more stressful time for a woman than when she thinks the guy at the bar she went home with last week may have got her pregnant.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the league is making the game safer with proper coaching and technology. In fact, the Raiders have not had a major injury in years since they decided to stop tackling anyone.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the league is making the game safer with proper coaching and technology. In fact, using self-driving technology in wheelchairs has made life so much better for all the NFL’s retired players who are living out their golden years in a vegetative coma.

A study says 1 in 4 Medicare patients are using their blood pressure medications incorrectly. The other 3 didn’t have any blood pressure issues until they had to deal with being treated through the Medicare system.

A Chipotle customer who was sickened by E.coli is requesting free Chipotle burritos as part of her settlement. Attorneys figure she just has masochistic tendencies as she also requested several free round trip flights on United.

Two Ryan Lochte protesters who stormed the set of “Dancing With The Stars” defended their actions while criticizing the security team for using “unnecessary” force. But then how much serious training does someone need to be on the security team for “Dancing With The Stars”?

Two Ryan Lochte protesters who stormed the set of “Dancing With The Stars” defended their actions while criticizing the security team for using “unnecessary” force. Although it still wasn’t as much force as was required to make the judges and audience sit through all of Rick Perry’s dance routine.

A couple from “Married At First Sight” has filed for divorce after two weeks, reportedly from the woman objecting to her husband’s pot habit. Which at least answers the question as how do you get a man to agree to appear on “Married At First Sight”?

Playboy newsstand sales have increased by 28.4% in the six months since the magazine dropped nude pictures. Apparently people finally did finally find out it’s true that the magazine has articles.

The Chicago White Sox have set a world’s record for the most dogs at a sporting event at 1,122. But only because the record doesn’t include cross town Wrigley Field’s mark of 300,000 at each game when figuring in the sales of hot dogs.

A report says Artificial Intelligence and robots will replace 6% of all jobs by 2021. The sad part is the other 94% of jobs will be so menial and low paying that it will be impossible to find any robots that will agree to do them.

The ACC says it will remove all neutral site championships from North Carolina because of the state’s controversial “bathroom bill.” Which is ironic in that fans having to mentally prepare themselves to use a public restroom at a sporting event would even notice someone dressed like a woman.

Speed limits are now appearing on Google Maps. The fastest speed limits showing up are on isolated stretches of highways in Montana. The slowest speed limits are for those looking up Google Maps on a computer hooked up to AOL.

Apple is coming under fire for its treatment of women who are reportedly subjected to sexist comments and passed over for leadership positions. The company says it will instead try to just sell them inferior goods at overinflated prices like they treat their customers.

Apple is coming under fire for its treatment of women who are reportedly subjected to sexist comments and passed over for leadership positions. Or as most American women call that, “having a job.”

The Museum of Modern Art in New York City will make thousands of exhibition images available online. Which is not to be confused with New York City’s Anthony Weiner who has made thousands of exhibitionist images available online.

The European Space Agency has published a map featuring 1 Billion stars in the Milky Way Galaxy. Which ironically was put together by a group of men who won’t stop to ask for directions after getting lost trying to find a restaurant.

A Democratic Super PAC says it will pay money for any dirt on Donald Trump. Which is totally unnecessary since every time he opens his mouth to speak he gives them something for free.

President Obama’s former doctor says Donald Trump has a narcissistic personality. He also says that Barack Obama is the President of the United States.

Donald Trump says that Hillary Clinton couldn’t have done a rally in a “room this hot” where he was giving a speech in Ohio. Which is true, mostly because the room temperature didn’t skyrocket until Trump started talking.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The big controversy now is about the health of the two presidential candidates. We’ve got two people to pick from, both around 70 who are not obese or on drugs or with a chemical dependency. In this country that’s as good as it gets. Next issue, please. The only issue that interests me is the one where you all decide to make sure to always keep on sending the love!


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