Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Katie Couric is being sued for $12 Million for defamation over a documentary on guns. Even Matt Lauer is telling her to pay more attention during her interviews.

Katie Couric is being sued for $12 Million for defamation over a documentary on guns. Couric’s defense is that she didn’t know the questions were loaded.

Police are starting to use pot breathalyzers to evaluate impaired drivers. The breathalyzers are able to bust people by detecting trace amounts on their breath of Oreos, Doritos and Papa John’s pizza.

A study says 1 in 5 CEOs is a psychopath. The other 4 are simply arrogant, narcissistic, egotistical jerks.

Russian hackers are being accused of leaking medical files of American athletes. To which most Americans are saying they don’t care, they want to see the hackers give them the goods on Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

Russian hackers are being accused of leaking medical files of American athletes. Ryan Lochte’s records were not revealed, mostly because the only urine sample the hackers could find was the one he left on the gas station in Rio.

Bank of America analysts say there is a 50% chance our world is a computer simulation and we are living in a Matrix-style simulation. Which means that they should be exonerated for all those bad subprime mortgages they sold back in 2007 that caused the housing market to crash because none of it really ever happened.

Bank of America analysts say there is a 50% chance our world is a computer simulation and we are living in a Matrix-style simulation. The other 50% chance is that everything is real and that our Bank of America account is genuinely overdrawn again.

U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon says he is disappointed with world leaders who are more interested in retaining power than improving the lives of their people. Apparently he wishes there was some sort of organization that had the power to put pressure on those countries to maintain peace and promote human rights.

U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon says he is disappointed with world leaders who are more interested in retaining power than improving the lives of their people. But enough about the members of Congress who are up for reelection in November.

A fraternity at the University of Richmond has been suspended for sending out what has been called a “grossly offensive” e-mail. It could really hurt the fraternity’s reputation, as no students want to belong to a frat where the worst thing they have done is send out an offensive e-mail.

The Tennessee House has expelled a sitting member for the first time in 36 years, for sexually harassing 22 women. Apparently the chamber is drawing the line at making unwanted advances to 21 women before finally taking some action.

The Tennessee House has expelled a sitting member for the first time in 36 years, for sexually harassing 22 women. The problem is the representative should have been sitting more and getting up to hit on all the women less.

Saudi Arabia has ousted the U.S. as the world’s top oil producer. Apparently the Saudis thought it was a good time to make the move as the price of oil is too low right now to justify the U.S. invading another Middle East country.

The Census Bureau says the uninsured rate in the U.S. dropped to 9.1% in 2015. Which means that 81.9% of Americans would now be able to go see a doctor if they could just find a way to afford the premiums, copays and meet all the deductibles.

A report says the middle class income saw its fastest growth in history last year. Which for middle class people meant making enough money to once again keep them from falling into the lower class.

Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf says he plans to “stamp out bad behavior” and that he feels accountable. Which means he feels accountable for their behavior and not for the millions of dollars they ripped off their customers with phony accounts.

Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf says he plans to “stamp out bad behavior” and that he feels accountable. Which is good to know there will be no more throwing paper wads around the office by workers while they rip off customers with phony accounts.

A report says the debt ceiling will reach $20 Trillion soon in the next presidency. To which President Obama will say right after the swearing in of the new President, “Tag, you’re it!”

A report says the debt ceiling will reach $20 Trillion soon in the next presidency. Which for either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump will be like moving into the home they always wanted only to find out it needs a new roof, floors, heating system, plumbing and a complete rewiring.

Fans are streaming Nelly songs in order to help the rapper make enough money to pay off a $2.4 Million tax lien. They shouldn’t stop there. His fans should keep going until he has enough to replace his accountant with an edition of TurboTax.

Fans are streaming Nelly songs in order to help the rapper make enough money to pay off a $2.4 Million tax lien. Although anyone who makes enough money to have a $2.4 Million tax bill should have put enough aside to pay $2.4 Million in taxes.

Udacity is offering on online degree in self-driving cars. Which is good for students who are taking online courses because there aren’t any self-driving cars around and they are too afraid to actually learn how to drive.

A poll says U.S. workers are most worried about cuts in their benefits. The rest are just glad they still have the 401(k) that replaced their pension, can’t afford to take vacation time anyways and didn’t really plan on seeing the dentist over that toothache that will probably just eventually go away.

A report says U.S. households got a raise last year for the first time since 2007. Which means they now have enough money to do what they wanted since 2007. Buy a 2003 Toyota.

Scientists in England have figured out a new way to create mice. To which most people are saying, “was that a problem?”

A study says most students say sex education is negative and out of touch. The worst part is when their teachers keep insisting on helping them with their homework.

A study says most students say sex education is negative and out of touch. Although unlike their other classes, it’s the only one where kids are actually willing to get together to hold a study group all-nighter.

The CDC says the most common work related injury is loss of hearing. Most Americans were surprised at the news. They had never heard that before.

The CDC says the most common work related injury is loss of hearing. Which is different than the cases of selective hearing loss that most people encounter when they are dealing with government workers.

Sri Lanka has been declared free of malaria. Which is great news for the people living there who now say maybe they can start working on getting rid of the tuberculosis, cholera, dengue, dysentery, Zika and malnutrition.

Pam Anderson says that porn killed Playboy. Which is a lesson to all the moms who for all those years wished there was something to stop their kids from sneaking issues of Playboy into their rooms.

Pam Anderson says that porn killed Playboy. Which is like saying Ferrari is the reason that Ford had to stop making the Model T.

Two protesters tried to ambush Ryan Lochte on “Dancing With The Stars” after somehow getting into the studio without tickets. People were shocked. You need to get tickets to watch them film “Dancing With The Stars”?

Amy Schumer was hospitalized for food poisoning in Paris. It was either that or indigestion from having to watch another screening of “Train Wreck.”

Sharon Osbourne talked about her breakdown in 2015, saying she woke up in the hospital and for three days knew nothing. Which at least made her appreciate her husband, knowing what it was finally like to live in his shoes.

Dodger announcer Vin Scully says he won’t call the playoff games for the team this year. Mostly because he was planning to retire at the end of the year and why to through the trouble of working two extra games?

North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory is criticizing the NCAA for its decision to relocate games because of the state’s “bathroom bill.” How could the NCAA be so wrong, just like the NBA, Hollywood, businesses, convention planners…?

Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan says he is joining his brother in having his lap band surgery reversed after gaining weight. Which is what happens when you live in a city where winter lasts six months and all there is to eat are fried chicken wings.

Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan says he is joining his brother in having his lap band surgery reversed after gaining weight. Not only that, the league is faced with more people gaining weight from the inactivity of sitting through the playing of the National Anthem.

Facebook and Twitter are joining an effort to snuff out fake news stories on the Internet. Mostly by working on a way to stop people from linking to Fox News.

A startup in San Francisco is offering a self-driving kit for cars for $1,000. Which mostly consists of a periscope with handles that are attached with a piece of rope to the steering wheel.

Document leaker Edward Snowden says he should be pardoned on moral grounds. Which the politicians say is a great idea and they are sure that will happen the day that anything in Washington, D.C. is decided on moral grounds instead of money.

Soccer team Manchester United reported a record $761 Million in revenue this year. Which works out to a season average of $761 Million per goal scored.

Uber says its biggest challenge isn’t self-driving cars, but persuading skeptical customers to trust them. Which shouldn’t be a problem for a company that was able to get customers to trust being driven around by people who could only qualify to find work as an Uber driver.

Scientists say that hair proteins may be better for identification than DNA. To which Marcia Clark and Chris Darden are saying “NOW you tell us!”

Scientists say that hair proteins may be better for identification than DNA. Which means the New York Attorney General who is investigating Donald Trump’s foundation could have all the evidence he needs by finding one unusually long strand of bright orange hair.

Hillary Clinton reportedly outspent Donald Trump 7 to 1 on TV ads this week. The bad part is they were all commercials that were played during prime time doctor shows and hospital dramas.

Hillary Clinton reportedly outspent Donald Trump 7 to 1 on TV ads this week. Mostly because instead of buying commercial time to get his message out, Trump now just arranges to have an interview with Matt Lauer.

Five meteorologists in the Arctic have been surrounded and trapped by polar bears. The question is, why are there any meteorologists in the Arctic in the first place? Every day the forecast is pretty much “cold with more snow.”

Five meteorologists in the Arctic have been surrounded and trapped by polar bears.
Which most people say is a good start but would be better if it were politicians, car salesmen or lawyers.

An Australian woman spent $400 to save her goldfish that was choking on a pebble in its bowl. She could have saved all that money if she had only taken the trouble to learn the herring maneuver.

An Australian woman spent $400 to save her goldfish that was choking on a pebble in its bowl. She was glad it survived but prepared for the worst by making funeral arrangements with the Ty-D-Bol Man.

A woman in Washington, D.C. was arrested for stealing three French fries from the plate of a police officer. It was just a good thing he didn’t have to use deadly force and pry her cold, dead fingers from around one of his donuts.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I think the toughest job right now is presidential campaign adviser. On one hand, Hillary’s people are saying “You will lose if you behave like Trump.” On the other, Trump’s people are saying “You will lose if you don’t keep acting like yourself.” Maybe I should run as a write-in candidate. The only problem is that most of the people who would vote for me can’t write. It doesn’t matter. I always consider it a win when you all remember to keep on sending the love!


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