Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A Florida man was killed after being shot by his cousin when he asked if the bullet proof vest he was wearing worked. Which was apparently a lot easier than the alternative way of answering that with just a “No.”

Donald Trump says he wants to debate Hillary Clinton without moderators. Which is his way of specifically asking for them to choose Matt Lauer again.

Donald Trump says he wants to debate Hillary Clinton without moderators. Mostly because with Trump as one of the debaters, what’s the point?

Police departments are starting to use Artificial Intelligence to prevent crimes before they happen. Which is going a bit overboard to just figure out the best way is to park a police car outside every neighborhood 7-Eleven store.

A London psychologist says that the idea of sex with robots might attract people “who fear intimacy or rejection or struggle with the vulnerability of relationships with other humans.” Or as most people know that as, men.

A report says that 7.8% of people in the military, or about 1 out of 13 are overweight. Which means at least the other 12 have someone during combat they can try to hide behind.

The Wells Fargo executive who headed the unit responsible for pushing phony accounts on its customers is leaving the bank with a $124.6 Million payout. So what are the odds she would be the person to actually get her hands on the one account that actually had some money in it?

The Oxford English Dictionary has added several new words, including “YOLO,” “clickbait” and “bracketology.” Although the one word that most people under 40 have no idea of what the definition is of “dictionary.”

A study says the sugar industry bought off scientists to downplay the harmful effects of sugar on the heart for decades, instead putting the emphasis on fat. Which is ironic seeing as how many Americans have become fat from all the sugar they have been eating since the 1960s.

Court documents say an Indiana fertility doctor impregnated several of his patients using his own sperm. To which his defense is, “Hey, it worked!”

Court documents say an Indiana fertility doctor impregnated several of his patients using his own sperm. He claims he just got the urge right after someone gave him a Calvin Murphy jersey.

Court documents say an Indiana fertility doctor impregnated several of his patients using his own sperm. To which Kevin Federline is saying “And the problem is…?”

U.S. women’s soccer star Abby Wambach admits she abused alcohol and prescription drugs for years. As opposed to the alternative of trying to sit through a season’s worth of three hour long 0-0 games while sober.

Australia is considering postponing an election because of faulty glue on postal forms. Which is different than the presidential election in the U.S. where things will go along right on time because it is only the candidates who have become unglued.

A survey says the CEOs of the biggest firms in the U.S. are losing optimism in the economy. Mostly because it’s tough to have any other viewpoint looking at where the upcoming presidential election may be taking us over the next eight years.

A survey says the CEOs of the biggest firms in the U.S. are losing optimism in the economy. Mostly from the fact they have given away all our jobs and tax base to foreign countries to make sure they don’t give up any of their yearly bonuses.

J.P. Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon says he would “love to be President” but it is too late and would be too hard. Besides, the President can be impeached for having an affair but a Wall Street CEO can crash the economy and not have to answer for it.

J.P. Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon says he would “love to be President” but it is too late and would be too hard. Besides, the $400,000 presidential salary is less than what he typically leaves for a tip at lunch.

Burger King has introduced its new Cheetos chicken fries. People ordering the fries made from chicken and covered with Cheetos will find it also comes with an ambulance with its own defibrillator along with a fully staffed team of cardiologists.

Burger King has introduced its new Cheetos chicken fries. So eating junk food has made us so lazy that we are now making new junk food by combining the old junk foods because it’s too much trouble to eat them all separately.

Wal-Mart is planning to eventually have self-driving shopping carts that will bring themselves back from the parking lot. The easy part will be programming them for inside the store where they will pretty much just need to navigate themselves to the needs of their customers over to the sections selling chicken wings and beer.

Wal-Mart is planning to eventually have self-driving shopping carts that will bring themselves back from the parking lot. The sad part is that even the carts will be able to do a better job of navigating through the parking lot than their customers.

A New York Times editor says he would risk going to jail to publish Donald Trump’s tax returns. Mostly because all the newspaper editors will find themselves jailed anyway the minute Trump is sworn into the White House.

Canada is pressuring the U.S. to change its “ludicrous” law denying entry to people who have admitted to smoking pot. For one thing, Justin Bieber keeps getting in which means they should change it to denying anyone who has ever thrown an egg.

Canada is pressuring the U.S. to change its “ludicrous” law denying entry to people who have admitted to smoking pot. Which was a poor choice of words to associate the law with Ludacris when it should have instead mentioned Snoop Dogg.

Donald Trump’s new Washington, D.C. hotel has opened with rooms going for $500 a night. Which is a bargain compared to the trillions of dollars it will cost us if we put Donald Trump up in the White House every night for the next four years.

A study says that credit card agreements are too hard for most people to read. What’s so hard about saying that you borrow money with the card and pay it back at 35% interest?

A study says that credit card agreements are too hard for most people to read. Apparently those people have never also tried to read a mortgage agreement, car loan, renters’ policy, personal employment contract…

A U.S. Navy sailor on an aircraft carrier who complained of stomach pains delivered a 7 pound baby girl. The good news is despite choppy waters, the baby was caught without any problems by the landing cable.

A study says that many parents whose children are on liquid medications give them a higher dosage than necessary. Which is ironic as most of them are on medications for illnesses related to the obesity they suffer from being higher doses than necessary at the dinner table.

A study says people with chronic fatigue syndrome may be going into a type of hibernation. Which will be remedied as soon as the issue is taken on by a group of doctors who are smarter than the average bear.

A Beyonce concert in St Louis was stopped so backup dancer John Silver could propose to dancer Ashley Everett. People were shocked. There are backup dancers who are straight?

Miley Cyrus says she won’t do another red carpet event while people are starving. She didn’t say if she would also not do any more music videos as long as people don’t have enough clothes to wear.

Alec Baldwin is suing an art dealer claiming he was sole a fake painting. Which could come back to haunt him if anyone wants to take him to court for a refund for “The Cat In The Hat.”

Miss America Savvy Shields from Arkansas says the presidential candidates need to “focus more on compromise.” Which is ironic since the last President from Arkansas would have liked nothing more than to be put in a compromising position with Miss America.

Donald Trump says the NFL players who protest the National Anthem are showing a “lack of respect.” Apparently anyone who would do something he doesn’t approve of goes right into the basket of deplorables.

Dozens of employees were laid off because of issues with Apple’s attempt to build a self-driving car. Apparently when it comes to cars, the Apple logo needs to be replaced by a lemon.

An update to iMessage will make it easier to add song lyrics to photos. Which was never a problem for Anthony Weiner who only sent pictures along with the lyrics from “Talk Dirty To Me.”

The official recall of the Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phone is in the works because of the danger of the phone exploding or catching fire. The worst case scenario is using the phone while driving a Tesla and eating a Mentos while drinking Diet Coke.

NASA says the past month was the hottest August on record globally. Which looks even worse for Hillary Clinton’s health situation being the only person who can walk around in the hottest streak in the history of the planet and still catch pneumonia.

A study says the full Moon can trigger large scale earthquakes. In other words, Kim Kardashian is going to have to be a little more careful over when and where she decides to sit down.

Scientists say they have caught dolphins actually “chatting” with each other. Of course they were chatting. They don’t have any thumbs, so how are they going to text each other?

A study says social media can cut people’s finances when they want to have the same purchases and vacations as others. Where it really hurts them financially is when their wife sees who they are chatting with on Facebook and it ends up costing them half of what they own.

A report says the ultra-wealthy will transfer $3.9 Trillion to the next generation by 2026. Which makes the middle class jealous in knowing that those kids will only have to wait another ten years to have enough to pay off their college tuition loans.

Bill Clinton will campaign for Hillary while she is recovering from pneumonia. Which means while she is out of the picture he will be spending some serious one on one time trying to lock up the elusive 18-24 female demographic.

A report says Donald Trump hasn’t donated to his own foundation since 2008. To which Trump says what greater and more valuable gift could he give the Foundation than to carry his name and be associated with all that is wonderful about Donald Trump?

Ohio University is removing the name of former Fox News CEO Roger Ailes from its news department and given back his $500,000 donation. That money will be missed by the young women in the program who benefited from its specified use to only be used to buy short skirts and bottles of blonde hair coloring.

Hillary Clinton says she has met a “high standard of transparency” about her health. In fact the only thing that hasn’t been transparent is any of her recent lung X-Rays.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I was watching a program on TV about the upcoming presidential election and thought to myself that it was so nice to see someone really cover the issues in a professional and educated way. Then I realized I was watching the WWE Raw Smackdown. Well, it was refreshing while it lasted. The only good news about this election coverage is that it really doesn’t matter how bad it gets because pretty much everyone already made up their mind whom to vote for back in February. The rest have put their homes up for sale and moved to Ecuador. Now there are some people with foresight. As for me, the only thing that really matters is the feeling I get when you all remember to make sure to keep on sending the love!


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