Sunday, September 11, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A survey says 75% of motorists feel that driverless cars will bring an end to road etiquette. Or as people in L.A. call road etiquette, that thing that people used to have back in 1955.

A survey says 75% of motorists feel that driverless cars will bring an end to road etiquette. Which in New York means that a driver will have the courtesy to flip someone off and honk their horn as a warning before starting to shoot.

A survey says 75% of motorists feel that driverless cars will bring an end to road etiquette. Apparently people are worried that when they are cut off by a Tesla it will hurt the feelings of their Honda.

A study says radiation from cellphones destroys men’s sperm. Which is ironic for the men who are using their cellphone primarily to see how they are doing on  Match.com, Tinder and eHarmony.

British surgeons have performed the first eye surgery using a robot. The study they wrote about the procedure is titled “Eye, Robot.”

Google’s DeepMind unit has reportedly developed a speech generation program that mimics the human voice much more accurately than other systems. The only problem is that the voice they are using in the experiment is Al Gore.

The World Dog Show is set to be held in China in 2019. It’s the one competition where all the contestants are considered wiener dogs.

The World Dog Show is set to be held in China in 2019. Winners will be chosen in three categories; fried, boiled and grilled.

Donald Trump says this is the last presidential election the Republicans have a chance of winning. Which they unfortunately threw away the moment they nominated Donald Trump.

California is close to adopting energy saving rules for computers. Although it does nothing to address energy usage indirectly tied to computers, like when people turn up the air conditioning every time they start watching online porn.

California is close to adopting energy saving rules for computers. Which is a polite way to say they are having to put Watson on a diet.

A veteran engineer at Volkswagen has been charged in connections with rigged emissions tests in the U.S. Prosecutors have listened to the company’s defense and say they are just blowing smoke.

FIFA says it will investigate former president Seth Blatter and other former officials over alleged bribery and corruption. Apparently the most solid evidence is phone recordings where officials asked for payments in “Cash onlyyyyyyyyyyyy!”

FIFA says it will investigate former president Seth Blatter and other former officials over alleged bribery and corruption. They were the only people in the sport who couldn’t use their hands for anything because they were always full of cash.

Samsung is telling customers to turn off their Galaxy Note 7 phones and not use because of the threat of fire and explosion. Which still makes them less dangerous than the cellphones that work and are used by people to text while driving.

Apple has shut down some elements of its self-driving car project, laying off several dozen workers. Apparently they are handing over the task to a group that is experimenting with ways to have the program design itself.

Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer could walk away with a $44 Million payoff if she is let go  after the company is purchased by Verizon. Remember when being fired used to be considered a bad thing?

GM is recalling 4.3 Million vehicles worldwide because the airbags don’t deploy properly. The good news is that most GM car owners don’t need the airbags because their vehicles have been in the shop the past two years for all the other recalls.

Pharmaceutical company Teva says it hopes to launch an EpiPen-like device by 2018 in the U.S. They would have done it sooner but want to give Mylan executives enough time to pay off their new vacation homes they bought with their bonuses from raising the price of EpiPens by 600%.

Pharmaceutical company Teva says it hopes to launch an EpiPen-like device by 2018 in the U.S. Until then, their advice for people who are allergic to bee stings and peanuts to just be really careful the next two years.

Researchers say the five second rule that food is safe to eat immediately after falling on the floor has no basis in fact. That is because most the food in Americans’ diets is much more unhealthy than any germs or bacteria it picks up on the ground.

Researchers say the five second rule that food is safe to eat immediately after falling on the floor has no basis in fact. Which means that there is no rush, that the food won’t be any more contaminated if they wait a couple of hours to eat it off the floor.

Researchers say the five second rule that food is safe to eat immediately after falling on the floor has no basis in fact. Which is good news for fans of David Hasselhoff who were worried he may have been harmed from eating that hamburger off his living room carpet.

A study says electrical stimulation can help stroke victims move. Which is true but may be considered cruel when taken into account even a cadaver will jump around when it is given a shot of 120 volts.

A study says ligament and tendon injuries are more likely to end an NFL career than broken or dislocated bones. Which means that any day we might hear the announcement of a comeback attempt by Joe Theismann.

A study says ligament and tendon injuries are more likely to end an NFL career than broken or dislocated bones. Fortunately for the players, the league says they can keep playing as long as they want if their injuries are only a series of severe concussions.

A study says exercise can result in lower health costs. To which most Americans are saying why put in the time and effort to do anything that only delays the inevitable?

A study says exercise can result in lower health costs. Except for the people who spend all that money on workout clothes and an iPhone they can listen to while they are out jogging right before they cross the street right into the path of a Mack truck.

A study says that smoking and drinking rates for teenagers have fallen to new lows. Mostly because kids have just lost interest in those habits now that they have gotten more into using heroin and opioids.

Donald Trump is set to appear on Dr. Oz this week. Although it appears that Trump is not familiar with the host as the first question he asked when being prepped for his appearance was “Whatever happened to that scarecrow guy?”

Donald Trump is set to appear on Dr. Oz this week. Apparently the show will consist of both men trying to one up the other on who has their name on the highest number of fraudulent products.

Model Christy Turlington says she will never have plastic surgery. Mostly because she already looks better than most women who have had plastic surgery trying to look like Christy Turlington.

Model Christy Turlington says she will never have plastic surgery. Although people should remember that is exactly the same thing Cher once said. When she was 7.

Kendall and Kylie Jenner were rescued after being stuck in an elevator for 20 minutes. Fortunately they managed to get out of it when firefighters arrived at the scene and told them to press the button.

Kendall and Kylie Jenner were rescued after being stuck in an elevator for 20 minutes. Fortunately, neither of them were injured other than being traumatized from having to wear the same outfit for more than a half hour.

Kylie Jenner has been wearing a massive diamond ring she claims is a promise ring from her boyfriend Tyga. How romantic for the struggling young couple that he sacrificed to put a diamond on her finger even while his own Ferrari was being repossessed.

Kylie Jenner has been wearing a massive diamond ring she claims is a promise ring from her boyfriend Tyga. The only promise involved with an impending wedding between a rapper and reality TV star is the promise for lots of overtime for the tabloids, paparazzi and divorce lawyers.

Geraldo Rivera says he “regrets” backing Roger Ailes during his lawsuit by Gretchen Carlson. Which is interesting considering most people are still waiting for an apology from Rivera for “Al Capone’s Vault.”

Geraldo Rivera says he “regrets” backing Roger Ailes during his lawsuit by Gretchen Carlson. Mostly because he doesn’t need to suck up to Ailes now that he is no longer in control at Fox.

Geraldo Rivera says he “regrets” backing Roger Ailes during his lawsuit by Gretchen Carlson. Which is no big deal since it’s not like anyone believes a thing that Geraldo says in the first place.

Supermarathoner George Chmiel will try to run all the way across the U.S. in 60 days. The idea came to him after he found out it would actually take less time to do it running than booking the trip on United Airlines.

Austin Dillon says NASCAR won’t put up with not standing for the National Anthem. He says the drivers and fans like to show their patriotism, but mostly because it’s their last chance to stretch their legs before sitting down for the duration of the next 500 miles.

Ford has bought Bay Area ride sharing service Chariot and says it will also offer a bike sharing service. Mostly for the people who need a bike to get where they are going after getting only half way there in their ride sharing Ford.

Macy’s will start selling Apple products during the holiday season. Apparently Apple chose Macy’s because the store sponsors the Thanksgiving Day Parade and that they have extensive experience with items that are highly inflated.

Researchers say they have used DNA to identify the bacteria responsible for the Great Plague of London. Apparently researchers made the match when they compared it to the organisms they found inside their burrito at Chipotle.

Elon Musk has gone to Twitter for help in finding the cause of the SpaceX rocket explosion. Although the 140 character format has limited most of the responses to “It done blowed up GOOD!”

The U.S. has named Gregory Touhill the nation’s first cyber security chief, a role that is focused on strengthening the country’s digital defenses. He says his first priorities are hunting down document leaker Edward Snowden and the guy who set up Hillary Clinton’s private e-mail server.

The U.S. has arrested two people in the hack of the personal online accounts of CIA Director John Brennan and National Intelligence Director James Clapper. Even Hillary Clinton is saying shouldn’t those guys know a little more about how to protect their private e-mails?

Experts are saying a bond between Donald Trump and Vladamir Putin could have “horrendous scenarios.” Mostly because the only way those two could bond politically is if Donald Trump is actually elected President.

The European Union is telling Apple to “get ready” to pay billions of dollars in taxes. Which is ironic in that saying “get ready to pay billions” is exactly what Apple tells its customers right before the launch of the latest iPhone.

Economists say they fear the U.S. is not prepared to fight off a recession. That’s ridiculous. What do they think we have been doing every day since 2007?

A poll says that 6 in 10 Americans are confident in the accuracy of the U.S. vote count. Although some people say the poll numbers should actually be closer to 7 in 10 but could be as little as 5 out of 10.

A poll says that 6 in 10 Americans are confident in the accuracy of the U.S. vote count. Which is interesting in the fact that only about 4 in 10 Americans ever actually show up on election day to vote.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Election day is less than two months away. Then the big question on the media’s mind will finally be answered: Who are the frontrunners for the presidential run in 2020? The election season here is like some of my jokes. Confusing, long winded and with no real end. So before the next election cycle starts up again, make sure to take the time to keep on sending the love!


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