Thursday, September 01, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says a revolutionary drug may stop Alzheimer’s Disease from developing. Now if the researchers could only remember where they put it.

Tom Brady sported a new haircut that is being compared to the one worn by Zack Morris on “Saved By The Bell.” Apparently he feels he can wear his hair a lot higher now that he won’t have to mess it up with a helmet for four weeks.

President Obama’s former doctor says Hillary Clinton should have a neurological exam. As should anyone who gets it in their head they want to run for President.

A court has upheld a ban on gun sales to anyone with a medical marijuana card. Authorities want to keep gun enthusiasts only under the influence of their more traditional self-medications of Jack Daniels, Oxycontin and antipsychotics.

Brazil President Dilma Rousseff has been removed from office by a vote in the Senate because of a failing economy and bribery scandal. U.S. Republican Senators were surprised. You can impeach someone for something besides having sex with an intern?

Brazil President Dilma Rousseff has been removed from office by a vote in the Senate. She was impeached because of a failing economy, a bribery scandal and discussing the possibility of a pardon for Ryan Lochte.

Saudi Arabia has sentenced a man to 10 years in prison along with 2,000 lashes for tweeting he is an atheist. In the U.S., the punishment for making outrageous and controversial tweets is being nominated by a major party to run for President.

The mayor of a French town defended a ban on burkinis, telling beachgoers they must “accept our way of life.” Which means instead of wearing burkinis, Muslim women just need to be rude, stop bathing and throw away all their razors.

The U.S. is accusing the European Union of grabbing tax revenue with the tax penalty they issued to Apple. The U.S. feels if there is anyone who should be making greedy and unreasonable tax demands from an American company, it’s the IRS.

Silicon Valley’s Palo Alto is considering a ban on new research and development businesses. Apparently they feel the storefront space should be set aside for the current tech workers’ demands for Starbucks, GameStops and beard groomers.

Workers at a Coca-Cola factory in France opened a shipment marked “orange juice” to find $61 Million worth of cocaine. If the drug dealers wanted to keep the contents from being opened in France, they should have marked it as “deodorant.”

JetBlue made the first commercial flight from the U.S. to Cuba in more than half a century. Passengers were just happy to hear the term “floatation device” that wasn’t  referring to a 1951 Chevy truck with pontoons.

 A report says insurers are moving to limit options available on Obamacare exchange plans. The most likely changes will be for people on the less expensive plans to be given the choice of seeing a veterinarian, snake charmer or faith healer.

ABC has signed on to present the Oscars at least through 2028. The deal calls on the network to have control over everything except the format, location and ever thinking of bringing back James Franco and Anne Hathaway as hosts.

A United Airlines jet flying from Houston to London hit severe turbulence that injured 12 passengers and forced an emergency landing in Ireland. Or as United refers to a flight with 12 injuries and an emergency landing, “on schedule.”

A majority of people in the U.S. say that unions help the economy. Mostly when they go on strike and it allows everyone else with no job the opportunity to make some money working as a scab.

A strawberry grower in California has been fined $2.4 Million for taking kickbacks from Mexican workers. Which is different than Donald Trump who plans to spend billions of dollars to find immigrant workers and kick them all back to Mexico.

The FDA is warning of the health risk of mixing opioids and sedatives, saying the combination can lead to breathing problems, coma and death. Which could be mistaken for the symptoms of someone with prescriptions for opioids and sedatives after they get their bill from the pharmacy.

The FDA is warning of the health risk of mixing opioids and sedatives, saying the combination can lead to breathing problems, coma and death. Especially when they are taken along with most people’s usual daily amounts of alcohol, tranquilizers and medical marijuana.

A Florida woman reportedly killed her husband by holding his nose. She resorted to that technique after failing to do him in with noogies, wet willies and an atomic wedgie.

John Legend is being criticized for calling the National Anthem “weak.” He gave it only a 37 but said it “has a good beat and you can dance to it.”

John Legend is being criticized for calling the National Anthem “weak.” Although in his defense, the version he was talking about was the one sung by Roseanne Barr.

A report says NFL front office executives “hate” Colin Kaepernick for sitting down during the playing of the National Anthem. How bad is it when your behavior is making the league’s top brass think that maybe they have been a little too tough with Johnny Manziel?

Ford dealers in Texas are selling a commemorative Dallas Cowboys edition of the Ford F-150 truck. Otherwise known as the Ford F-150 truck.

A couple in India were caught faking photos of them summiting Mt. Everest. Experts first suspected the pictures might be photoshopped when they realized the climbers were wearing bathing suits with sunglasses and floaties.

A couple in India were caught faking photos of them summiting Mt. Everest. Suspicions were raised when a closeup view shows a Yeti waving in the background.

A couple in India were caught faking photos of them summiting Mt. Everest. It turns out they had actually used their souvenir picture that was taken while they were riding the Matterhorn at Disneyland.

Kanye West tweeted that McDonald’s is his favorite brand. People were shocked. Kanye West’s favorite brand isn’t Kanye West?

Researchers say they have found the oldest fossils on Earth, bacteria in Greenland that go back 3.7 Billion years. The discovery was great news for the bacteria which had spent the past 3.7 Billion years trying to figure out how to get out of Greenland.

Researchers say they have found the oldest fossils on Earth, bacteria that go back 3.7 Billion years. Apparently they were found by going through the garbage and finding one of Larry King’s discarded Dr. Scholl’s foot pads.

A new Instagram feature lets people get closer and more intimate looks at the pictures that are posted. Which could be a real shock for anyone using it to look at a photo they just received from Anthony Weiner.

Tesla says it is making “major improvements” to its Autopilot self-driving software. Apparently developers have taken out some of the options, including the “car catching fire” and “car causing fatal accident by running into truck” features.

Mark Zuckerberg says he misses his computer coding days. Because who wouldn’t be nostalgic and wanting to trade in the hassle of flying around the world on a private jet to get back the simplicity of driving around town in a 1993 Prelude?

Mark Zuckerberg says he misses his computer coding days. It’s just not as much fun as it was trying to budget a $25,000 a year salary compared to having a net worth of $60 Billion.

Facebook is preparing to launch a satellite that will bring the Internet to sub-Saharan Africa. Imagine the joy when the people there will be able to get their first opportunity to get on eBay and bid on a piece of Jesus toast.

Facebook is preparing to launch a satellite that will bring the Internet to sub-Saharan Africa. Which will be great news for the people who will now have access to GPS technology that will give them directions to get out of sub-Saharan Africa.

File hosting service Dropbox admits that as many as 68 Million accounts were breached by hackers in 2012. Which means Republican members of Congress are now furiously working to see how many of them may have gone through the private e-mail server of Hillary Clinton.

A software development company says China and Russia would win the “computer coding Olympics.” Although the worst part of that is the idea of seeing a bunch of computer coders walking around wearing nothing but Speedos.

Scientists have confirmed that dogs really know what people are saying to them. Except for the times people say to “jump and beg” and the dog confuses it with “hump my leg.”

Researchers say mysterious radio signals from a star 95 light years away are probably not originating from intelligent alien life. Which is probably what the inhabitants of the distant solar system are thinking after receiving signals from “Maury,” “Dr. Phil” and “Jerry Springer.”

U.S. government officials were mad when Apple moved headquarters to Ireland to dodge taxes, and now they are even madder that the EU is charging Apple $15 Billion in back taxes. Even the Nigerian princes are asking themselves why they didn’t think of that first.

Broadcaster Jorge Ramos criticized the President of Mexico as being “weak” for not insisting Donald Trump apologize for insulting the country and not changing his immigration policy. To which the President says he feels he was victorious in just keeping Trump from threatening to declare nuclear war.

Former Mexico President Vicente Fox says Donald Trump’s trip to Mexico was simply a “photo opportunity.” Apparently no one explained to Fox that Trump’s entire life is one big photo opportunity.

Donald Trump slammed the “open border” policy between the U.S. and Mexico in his immigration speech in Phoenix. Which won’t be a problem after he is elected President and his economic policies make it so no one in their right mind would even think about coming into this country to try to make a living.

Donald Trump gave an immigration speech where he says the U.S. has the right to choose immigrants we think are the likeliest to thrive and flourish and love us. Meaning anyone who can throw a baseball 95 mph into the strike zone.

Donald Trump’s campaign says his visit to Mexico was the result of “weeks of work.” Mostly in finding a Chevy that had a big enough trunk space to fit in Trump and three of his advisors to get across the border.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Glad you checked in again to read the jokes. I don’t get paid for this gig, which probably comes as no surprise to anyone. But it does take time away from my other hobbies pretending to be able to play golf and guitar so it does make me feel it is all worth the effort every time you make sure to remember to keep on sending the love!


No comments: