Friday, September 30, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Two Pennsylvania women have been arrested for having sex with a 15 year old boy at a pizza party. Who would have thought that for once it would have been safer to have the party at Chuck E. Cheese?

Hedge fund clients at Deutsche Bank have reportedly started withdrawing excess cash because of the German bank’s recent problems. Americans were confused. What is this thing called excess cash?

The University of Wisconsin will start to scrutinize Halloween costumes for any signs of racism. Campus officials want to make sure students wear appropriate costumes that reflect the true intentions of the holiday. Which means getting drunk enough to pick a costume that is only obscene, lewd or  raunchy.

A mysterious rash has affected several children at an elementary school in California. Fortunately for the kids they were saved being shunned by other students when they all tested negative for cooties.

A mysterious rash has affected several children at an elementary school in California. The worst part is that being in California, parents with a sick child are just relieved to find out that at least it isn’t a case of leprosy.

Scientists say carbon dioxide levels around the world have crossed the 400 parts per million threshold for the first time in millions of years. To which climate deniers say that’s no big deal as it still leaves 999,600 parts per million for everything else.

Scientists say carbon dioxide levels around the world have crossed the 400 parts per million threshold for the first time in millions of years. What’s worse is that in China those 400 PPM are the least harmful in their entire atmosphere.

Employees at a Donald Trump golf course in California say that he wanted to fire women working there who weren’t pretty. Or was he talking about his idea of marriage?

Employees at a Donald Trump golf course in California say that he wanted to fire women working there who weren’t pretty. Which is a real problem as what beautiful woman wants to work at a golf course making minimum wage for menial labor and being surrounded by a bunch of 80 year old men?

Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson couldn’t think of the name of one world leader in an interview. The worst part is when he called Sarah Palin for help she told him to say that ruler from Kenya named Obama.

Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson couldn’t think of the name of one world leader in an interview. What’s worse is that the interviewer had a harder time finding any world leaders who had ever heard of Gary Johnson.

Future MBA graduates say the company they would most like to work for is Google. Mostly because they found out how little they would make working at other companies after doing a search on Google.

A California man was killed after pointing a vaping device at police. Which at least proves researchers right who are claiming that vaping is more dangerous than smoking cigarettes.

The Apple Watch has an app that will help improve customer service at restaurants. One of its features is to estimate how much time customers at Chipotle have to get to the hospital to keep from dying after eating an E.coli laced burrito.

The Apple Watch has an app that will help improve customer service at restaurants. Although it won’t be as much help for the people waiting in line at a Chick-fil-A drive thru who instead of a watch find it more useful to have an app with a calendar.

A report says unruly airline passenger incidents jumped 16% last year. Mostly because that is also exactly the same amount during the same time that airlines increased their inflight fees.

Amazon is offering $1 Million for Artificial Intelligence that can chat with a human for 20 minutes. Which can be done easily by just asking the question to anyone what they don’t like about Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump.

Amazon is offering $1 Million for Artificial Intelligence that can chat with a human for 20 minutes. It’s just unfortunate Amazon hasn’t been able to provide the same standards with the people they hire for customer service.

Amazon is offering $1 Million for Artificial Intelligence that can chat with a human for 20 minutes. Which for people with a Facebook account all it takes is being able to ask what they had for breakfast and to describe their favorite cat video.

Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf has reportedly been paid $191 Million over the past ten years. The good news is that it will take him years to find it as it was apparently put into one of the bank’s 2 Million phony accounts.

Ferrari has revealed the fastest convertible ever at a cost of $2.2 Million. Meaning anyone who is nouveau riche that buys one will be immediately converted into being poor.

After having to recall a million exploding phones, Samsung is now being sued over washing machines that are also detonating. The only good thing is that at least when a washing machine goes up in flames it isn’t in your office, car or front pocket.

Forbes says that Donald Trump’s net worth fell by $800 Million this year. Which is bad news because he would be able to write off that loss if he actually ever paid any taxes.

Forbes says that Donald Trump’s net worth fell by $800 Million this year. Ironically he could have made a fortune and kept his casinos out of bankruptcy just by putting everything he has on Hillary Clinton becoming President.

United Airlines is tapping criminology students to uncover patterns in accident data to prevent future damage. Although if they really want to put the criminology students’ expertise to work, they should have them investigate United’s ticket prices, service and fees.

Experts say that Congress may actually be to blame for the high price of most drugs. Which means the next time they pull the Pharma Bro or Mylan CEO into a hearing to grill them on excessive price hikes, they might want to start by saying “Never mind!”

Experts say that Congress may actually be to blame for the high price of most drugs. Which means that Mylan CEO Heather Bresch, and her father Senator Joe Manchin have at least made gouging customers a real family affair.

A study says a person’s attractiveness depends on who else is around them. In other words, when you are trying to make points with a woman make sure you aren’t standing anywhere near Brad Pitt.

A study says a person’s attractiveness depends on who else is around them. Which means anyone who is having trouble getting swiped right on Tinder can improve their chances greatly by just moving to Silicon Valley.

A study says the Pill may raise the risk of depression for women. Mostly when it doesn’t work.

A study says Millennials give their babies more uncommon names. Which is understandable for anyone who has gone their whole life answering to being called a “Millennnial.”

A study says building bike lanes is s sound public health investment for communities. Especially for the mental health of the people who are running late for an appointment and find driving their cars over the bike paths a quick shortcut.

A study says that people are at their lightest weight for the year in early October. Mostly just from fasting for the past three months in advance of Halloween candy, Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas cookies.

A study says high blood pressure might affect the thinking abilities of some children. Which hopefully will make them start thinking about finally getting their behind off the couch and doing some exercise.

An Illinois doctor has been suspended for making vaccines out of cat saliva and vodka. Which sounds more like the makings of a weekend getaway for Gary Busey.

An Illinois doctor has been suspended for making vaccines out of cat saliva and vodka. Apparently the vodka is to numb the patients to take their minds off the fact they are being injected with cat saliva.

A study says popular painkillers like Ibuprofen are linked to heart problems. Especially for people who are taking Ibuprofen instead of seeing a doctor to treat their constant chest pain.

Allergists are warning people against using do-it-yourself EpiPens. Although do doctors really need to tell people a homemade medical device to use in a life threatening emergency might not be a good idea?

Lady Gaga has been chosen to headline the halftime show for the upcoming Super Bowl. To get into the mood of the event, for the performance her meat dress will be made off the scraps from both teams’ training tables.

Lady Gaga has been chosen to headline the halftime show for the upcoming Super Bowl. The good news is the person who decided on her and last year’s performance by Cold Play will be put into the league sponsored study of brain injuries.

Princess Charlotte is on a trip to Canada with her parents William and Kate where she took her first steps and said her first words in public. Which were “Three steps is plenty for this year. Now get me to the royal limousine or I’ll have your heads!”

Britney Spears says she is “nervous” about her sons becoming teenagers. Mostly just from wondering if they will recognize her after seeing her just three times in the past eight years.

Britney Spears says she is “nervous” about her sons becoming teenagers. It would be so much easier for her to deal with girls because of her own experiences, like explaining when they go out they should not shave their heads, get photographed when completely wasted and to make sure to put on some panties.

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon has entered a rehab facility. The worst part is that he had to enroll just from getting a contact high from Johnny Manziel.

A study says 50% of parents knowingly text their children when they know they are driving. Mostly just to check up on them to see if they are sober enough to text back a message that is somewhat coherent.

Donald Trump says Google searches are biased against him. Apparently there are negative results about him when people search “Trump divorces,” “Trump taxes” and “Trump temperament.”

The DHS says hackers have targeted election systems in 20 states. Which is dumb because they only need to try to rig the three states that haven’t already been decided one way or the other by a landslide.

The DHS says hackers have targeted election systems in 20 states. Although if they really want to mess up the polling system in this country all they need to do is figure out a way to have the national elections all be run by Florida.

Google has devised an algorithm that can caption photos with amazing accuracy. Which is good as long as the system isn’t sent any pictures taken by Anthony Weiner.

Georgia Tech is offering a Masters in Computer Science online for a cost of $7,000. The only problem is that someone with a degree that inexpensive could turn their whole company’s computer system into a rambling wreck.

Georgia Tech is offering a Masters in Computer Science online for a cost of $7,000. The program works by showing students how to use their computer to print off an exact copy of a computer science diploma from Harvard.

An appeals court has overturned a New Hampshire ban on taking selfies in the voting booth. Which is not good because the last thing we need is having the people who do nothing all day but take selfies have the ability to vote.

A study says Neanderthals fashioned jewelry out of shells and animal teeth. Which explains why they died off. Can you imagine any woman saying “yes” when being proposed to with a ring made with a clam shell and the incisor from a moose?

USA Today endorsed Hillary Clinton, saying Donald Trump is “unfit” to be President. That’s the last time anyone staying at a Trump hotel will wake up to find a free copy of their newspaper under the door.

USA Today endorsed Hillary Clinton, saying Donald Trump is “unfit” to be President. Apparently they came to that conclusion when they assembled all his good qualities and they didn’t even fill up half of a pie chart.

Jeb Bush is downplaying a report he will vote for Gary Johnson for President. The only thing he was able to downplay more was his attempts to give primary voters a reason to vote for Jeb Bush.

Chris Christie says he has “not been asked” to help Donald Trump prepare for the next debate. Which is no surprise to anyone who watched the first debate who can see Trump has no idea of what the meaning even is of the word “prepare.”

Chris Christie says he has “not been asked” to help Donald Trump prepare for the next debate. Mostly because Christie’s idea of preparation is making sure to always bring along his own knife and fork.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I appreciate you reading the jokes. One of these days I might even try it myself. I suppose you have figured out by now that I just aimlessly type for a few hours and this is what comes out. But then, my motto is always quantity over quality. Which is why I am claiming the title of the most prolific joke writer on the planet. Now I just need you all to be prolific and tell everyone else about the site so they start reading it as well. If that doesn’t work, you can at least be prolific in the way you remember to keep on always sending the love!


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