Thursday, September 29, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says Germany’s Deutsche Bank has lost half its value since Germany. Which serves them right for signing up for bank accounts offered to them by Wells Fargo.

A study says people suffering from acne may live longer. Who knew the key to longevity was hidden away in a jar of Stridex?

Research says that humans are predisposed to killing each other. If anyone doesn’t believe that, they should just tune in to see what happens during the next presidential debate.

Research says that humans are predisposed to killing each other. Although some say the results may be a bit skewed as the study was conducted mostly in Detroit.

A study says that middle-aged women enjoy sex more as they get older. Especially the cougars who no longer have to go out with middle-aged men.

A study says that middle-aged women enjoy sex more as they get older. Mostly just for the fact that every time they have sex they don’t have to worry for the next two weeks that they might be pregnant.

A report says instances of air rage on commercial flights are increasing. Mostly because it’s hard to stay calm when what used to be a quick two hour flight turns into an all-day nightmare with security checks, flight delays and lost luggage.

A report says instances of air rage on commercial flights are increasing. Apparently after paying out $300 in additional inflight fees, people feel they aren’t getting their money’s worth until the flight ends with a full-on brawl.

A report says instances of air rage on commercial flights are increasing, but only one quarter of them involve alcohol or drugs. Mostly because people are angry after spending all their money on inflight fees and having nothing left when the drink cart comes by.

The German Justice Minister says Facebook must ban its abusive content. To which Facebook says abusive content is no longer an issue with their site ever since people discovered Twitter.

An Italian rapper has been sanctioned by the U.S. after joining ISIS. Remember the old days when rappers were not into international terrorism and were just satisfied with shooting each other at concerts?

The NHL has hired Heidi Browning from Pandora as their new marketing chief. Apparently her strategy is to try to appeal to bloodthirsty TV viewers who are looking for a source of violent content after the presidential election is over.

Wells Fargo is losing the state of California as a client after its phony accounts scandal. Because Californians would never put up with being associated with anything dishonest other than their hair, boobs, tan, income, social status…

A survey says two thirds of TV viewers look at their smartphones during commercial breaks. But then who wants to sit through another Life-Alert ad while they can bolt out the door to try to capture the Charizard on their porch?

A survey says two thirds of TV viewers look at their smartphones during commercial breaks. Because who wants to watch another TV commercial when they can log into Facebook and instead be bombarded with hundreds of popup mobile ads?

Former NFL players have asked the Supreme Court to block the $1 Billion NFL concussion settlement. Mostly because after being tied up in court for three years, the settlement does nothing to address the effects of players hitting their heads against the wall in frustration.

Today is National Coffee Day. That is the day when people can reminisce about what it was like before they took out a second mortgage on their house, depleted their 401(k) account and sold off their stock portfolio to pay their monthly Starbucks bill.

Flatbread sandwich restaurant chain Cosi has filed for bankruptcy. Apparently their bread wasn’t the only thing that had gone flat.

Some Senators are asking for Mylan’s EpiPen price increases to be investigated by the Department of Justice. Mostly because they are afraid to investigate Mylan themselves and risk losing all those campaign donations from the medical industry.

Takata is reportedly considering a criminal settlement over their defective airbags. Apparently they are worried about how Tom Brady was unable to win his case which involved even fewer casualties involving deflated air pressure.

Takata is reportedly considering a criminal settlement over their defective airbags. The charges include a dozen deaths and more than 100 injuries. Not to mention the scores of crash test dummies that had to be retrained for new careers after being rendered disabled on the job.

A report says investors are worried that the stock market is shrinking, with only half the number of actively traded stocks in 1997. Although to be fair, the 1997market included Webvan, eToys and Pets.com.

Anheuser Busch will pay a $6 Million over bribes to government officials in India to boost sales. Apparently it was a lot cheaper than the amount they would have had to come up with to bribe the people of India to drink Budweiser beer.

Costume shops are preparing for what could be a record setting year for sales over Halloween. People are eager to dress up for the holiday, the only problem being figuring if it will be more frightening to dress up as Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump.

Costume shops are preparing for what could be a record setting year for sales over Halloween. Although a store bought costume isn’t necessary this year. People dressing as Hillary Clinton just need a pantsuit, while anyone going as Donald Trump just need a can of orange spray paint.

The FDA has approved the first artificial pancreas for diabetics. Who developed their condition from eating foods with too much artificial color, flavor and preservatives.

A British study says that marijuana use may boost the risk of relapses in patients with psychosis. In fact, it’s the second biggest cause of relapse of psychosis other than the patients having psychosis.

A report says births to U.S. teens have dropped to a record low. Apparently the most effective form of birth control for teenagers is when they see how hard they will have to work for the next 18 years to even think about sending that child to college.

A study says moderate drinking may not affect a women’s fertility. Other than the fact that it wouldn’t matter other than that’s the reason most of them get pregnant in the first place.

A study says colonoscopies are not useful after the age of 75. Mostly because doctors figure what can go wrong in a digestive tract be on a diet of prune juice, Metamucil and Ensure?

Researchers say there is no such thing as muscle memory. Which is no secret to anyone who has ever gone out and broken 80 one day on the golf course only to shoot over 100 the next.

A study says that people who drink moderately tend to exercise more than those who don’t. Mostly just to do something that will cause them pain that is severe enough to make them forget the hangover headache they woke up with.

A study says that people who drink moderately tend to exercise more than those who don’t. Especially the ones who after a night of drinking get chased down the street by their wives when they catch them coming home at 4am.

Aetna says it will offer Apple watches at a discount to customers and free to employees as part of their wellness reimbursement program. To which Aetna will claim that since everyone is healthier, they will just deny paying any future claims.

The FDA is asking the public for input on what they think “healthy” should mean when it is on a food label. To which most people say it should have something to do with being made up of other ingredients besides the usual salt, sugar and fat.

The FDA is asking the public for input on what they think “healthy” should mean when it is on a food label. To which people overwhelmingly say that they would be good if the government just decided to allow that label to go on ice cream.

An Alabama man has been arrested for selling a Chinese-made substitute for Viagra called Zhen Gong Fu. Which unfortunately translates to “There is a soggy noodle in my pants.”

Agnes Nixon, who created the soap opera “All My Children” has died at age 93. She is survived by 6 ex-husbands, 14 lovers, 4 illegitimate children and an evil twin.

Kiefer Sutherland says he admires Julia Roberts for calling off their wedding in 1991. Mostly because he didn’t want to go down in history as the man who ended up with Lyle Lovett’s leftovers.

Kevin Hart tops the list of highest paid comedians for 2015, pulling in $87.5 Million. Which is good that he now has a lot of cash lying around because he always seemed to be coming up a little short.

Two ventriloquists made the list of highest paid comedians last year. How far has the field of entertainment shrank when even the mimes are thinking it’s their turn next?

Hanson is reportedly planning on releasing a Christmas album. Which is only fitting as the last time they put out a record they were asking Santa for a train set, bicycle and baseball glove.

Playboy is featuring a woman wearing a Hijab for the first time ever. Which isn’t a surprise since it was only a few months ago they featured their first woman wearing anything.

Warren Beatty denies a report he has slept with 12,775 women. Mostly because he doesn’t want to get caught up in a dispute with Guinness World’s Records involving the claims of Gene Simmons, Charlie Sheen and Wilt Chamberlain.

Warren Beatty denies a report he has slept with 12,775 women. Apparently he was upset that the estimate stopped at only five figures.

President Obama defended Colin Kaepernick’s protest over the National Anthem. To which Republicans are saying let’s see if he has the same reaction to anyone sitting out the national anthem of Kenya.

The Sacramento Kings new arena has transgender friendly bathrooms. The only problem is the confusion that will be caused by the team putting labels on the doors saying “Kings” and “Queens.”

Chris Bosh has reportedly fired his agent after being dumped by the Miami Heat. Mostly because even a professional athlete can figure out that 10% of zero is still zero.

The Chicago Cubs have signed President Theo Epstein to a five year extension. The reason for the decision was based on his experience, improved team performance and mostly to put in a clause forbidding him to ever wear a fake moustache and goatee in public again.

Pete Rose has petitioned Major League Baseball to be included on the ballot for the Hall of Fame. Which baseball executives are all in favor of, just as long as there isn’t a check mark next to his name.

Amy Schumer and Justin Bieber top the list of the “most dangerous celebrities” study, based on generating the most dangerous search results. For instance, Bieber made the list because searches of his name often end up linking to websites that have pictures and play the songs of Justin Bieber.

Facebook is ready to release Facebook at Work, an effort to make a business version of its site. Or as most people know spending their entire day communicating on Facebook at the office, “Facebook.”

A new app allows women to find sperm donors online. Don’t we already have that? It’s called Tinder.

Blackberry says it is going to stop making smartphones. People were surprised at the news. Blackberry is still making phones?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another batch of gems from the most prolific joke writer on the planet. That’s what I would say if they were actually gems. But I am sticking with the prolific bit. With more than 1,000 new jokes every month, which is mixed in with all the recycled garbage I also include that comes out to a net payment of around $0 per joke. And climbing! I just hope you spread the word so that more people read this blog. And if you have any contacts who need a joke writer that wouldn’t hurt either. Other than your future relationship with them. In the meantime, I will continue to get by on the warm fuzzy feeling I get when you all remember to take the time and keep on sending the love!


No comments: