Tuesday, August 09, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Japan has ordered its military to shoot down any North Korean missiles that are a threat to Japan. To make sure they have the firepower to take down any North Korean weapons, they have armed their troops with plenty of BB guns and sling shots.

A historic Revolutionary War fort in Massachusetts has reportedly been torn up by people playing Pokemon Go. Apparently they were drawn to the site when the game came up with the instructions “One if by Pikachu, two if by Charizard.”

A new Faceless Recognition System can reportedly identify people who are hiding their face. Apparently it just looks at their smartphone and their Tinder profile they always have opened on their screen.

A study says that the worst drivers in the nation are in Florida. Apparently it’s not all that easy to get behind the wheel of a new Lexus after learning how to drive using a Model T.

 A study says that the worst drivers in the nation are in Florida. It’s not so much they are bad drivers, it’s just difficult to get around when every single car’s GPS is set to get to the nearest Carrows at 4:00 in time for the start of the Early Bird Dinner.

A New Jersey bill would ban drinking coffee while driving. The legislation was sponsored as a favor to the franchise owners of McDonald’s who would save millions in court fees just from lawsuits over burned laps.

A New Jersey bill would ban drinking coffee while driving. The only question is would it be more dangerous for people to drink coffee behind the wheel or deal with all the road rage from drivers who face traffic without their morning caffeine?

A New Jersey bill would ban drinking coffee while driving. The bill had to be amended because legislators knew that Chris Christie would veto the original draft that also called banning driving while drinking a triple thick Peanut Buster Parfait.

A report says the wealthiest people are building panic rooms in their homes to survive events from natural disasters to economic meltdown. Or in the most extreme cases, a hiding place to escape for a few months after they don’t buy their kid the Ferrari he demanded for his birthday present.

A survey says that 1 in 8 U.S. adults smoke pot, up three times from three years ago. The other 7 don’t like the idea of smoking so for now they say they will just stick to alcohol, cocaine and Oxycontin.

A survey says that 1 in 8 U.S. adults smoke pot, up three times from three years ago. Although researchers are wondering about the other 7 who just never got around to ever returning the paperwork.

A 12 year old boy from Texas has been accepted at Cornell. His plan is to graduate on time at age 16 and get a job right away which would mean he would have the rare opportunity to pay off all his Ivy League tuition loans before he turns 50.

Donald Trump is calling for a moratorium on financial regulations. To which Wall Street bankers were shocked. The financial industry has regulations?

Donald Trump is calling for a moratorium on financial regulations. Or as Wall Street bank executives call regulations from the SEC, “neighborly suggestions.”

Delta Airlines is warning of chaos after flights around the world were grounded following a global wide computer system failure this week. Or as regular passengers on United call that, “Tuesday.”

A report says Brazil’s Olympic team gave only a third as many drug-test samples as expected before the Games. To which the team is saying if officials want some urine samples, all they need to do is scoop some water out of the Marathon swimming site at Copacabana Beach.

Stress test results say that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac could need $126 Billion in federal bailout money if there is another severe economic downturn. To which Wall Street executives are saying why doesn’t the Federal Reserve just eliminate the middleman and give the cash to the banks right now?

Stress test results say that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac could need $126 Billion in federal bailout money in case of another severe economic downturn. In other words, the meltdown in 2007 was pretty much just a dress rehearsal.

Donald Trump announced his proposed economic policy which calls for making child care cheaper. Mostly so parents can take their kids to daycare and not bring them to Trump’s rallies where he has to throw them all out.

Donald Trump announced his proposed economic policy which calls for making child care cheaper. Mostly so their parents can afford to pay for someone to watch their kids while they work the three jobs they will need to make ends meet thanks to the rest of Trump’s economic policies.

Tickets for Alex Rodriguez’ final game on Friday have gone up in price by 600%. Which is almost exactly the same percentage that the Yankees are overpaying Alex Rodriguez.

Tickets for Alex Rodriguez’ final game on Friday have gone up in price by 600% to an average of $450. Which is actually the same that it costs to see every other Yankee game, just without including a hot dog and two beers.

A study says 30% of the world’s billionaires do not have a college degree. Mostly because the way they became billionaires was by not having to commit themselves to a job where they could work 80 hours a week just to pay off their tuition loans.

A Boston restaurant called “Tasty Burger” is objecting to Chipotle calling their new burger chain “Tasty Made.” Although if there is a legal battle, Chipotle is ready to go with Plan B, using the alternate name “I Can’t Believe It’s Not E.Coli.”

A study says the Flint, Michigan water crisis could cost the city $400 Million in long term social expenses. Which could be cut to a fraction of the estimate by just giving the people still living there enough gas money to get out of town.

A study says that undiagnosed sleep apnea that can cause snoring costs the U.S. $150 Billion a year. Mostly from visits to the Emergency Room after being hit in the head with a frying pan by their partner who hasn’t been able to sleep for three straight nights.

The percentage of one pack a day smokers has reached a record low in the U.S. Mostly from people cutting back on cigarettes so they can still manage to run far enough to get away after lighting up near a militant non-smoker.

A new temporary tattoo lets the wearer know how much alcohol they have been drinking. The way to tell that someone has had too much to drink is when they wake up with a real tattoo.

A study says teen gamers do better at math than kids who spend all their time on social media. Which is no big deal for the Kardashians who can’t do even simple math but can fortunately pay for accountants to do that with the millions they have made on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

A study says that heavy drinking may harm a person’s lungs. Which is a pretty good sign you are drinking too much when your body is too wasted where it can’t even remember which pipe it is supposed to go down.

A study says that heavy drinking may harm a person’s lungs. Especially the people who get so drunk they forget they don’t smoke.

A study says genes may determine when a person loses their virginity. For men, it is much later than average when they have genes that make them look like Carrot Top.

A study says genes may determine when a person loses their virginity. Which the odds for an earlier age are much better when their genes make them look like Kate Upton.

Big Show says he will battle Shaquille O’Neal in the ring at Wrestle Mania 33 next year. The odds are that Shaq will be the favorite unless Big Show pulls a surprise move and puts Shaq into a hold where he has to try and shoot free throws.

Jordan Rogers has been signed to work on the SEC Network but executives from parent company ESPN say it had nothing to do with his notoriety from being on “The Bachelorette.” He got the job the old fashioned way, by being the brother of a future Hall of Fame quarterback.

Kourtney Kardashian says she is OK if “The Kardashians” is canceled. The only problem is finding out what she can do with her future that doesn’t her require her only skill set to be a Kardashian.

Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider’s granddaughter was born in traffic on a freeway in Los Angeles. Which shows that even celebrities will do whatever it takes to be able to take advantage of driving in the HOV lane.

Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner will not close the door on the possibility of Alex Rodriguez being honored in Monument Park at Yankee Stadium. Not as a player but for his skills as a negotiator in suckering the Yankees to pay him $27 Million a year.

Snoop Dogg’s son Cordell Broadus has quit the UCLA football program for the second time. Apparently coaches knew there was a problem when he joined the team and immediately picked his career mentor as Ricky Williams.

Snoop Dogg’s son Cordell Broadus has quit the UCLA football program for the second time. It turns out the only reason he wanted a diploma was because he could use it to roll one outrageous fatty.

Michael Phelps says he ate a pound of spaghetti after winning his latest gold medal at the Olympics. Which doesn’t sound so bad until it was revealed in order to not have to use the toxic tap water he ate it right out of the box.

Michael Phelps says he ate a pound of spaghetti after winning his latest gold medal at the Olympics. Well, that will put to rest any rumors that he might still be dabbling in smoking some occasional weed.

A report says the new iPhone 7 may have dual cameras. Which will be great for the people who have always wanted to be able to take selfies of themselves taking a selfie.

Twitter is planning to sublease 30% of the space in its San Francisco headquarters. Things are getting so tight they are also going to rent out 30% of their online space meaning tweets will now only have a maximum of 98 characters.

A network of 330,000 worldwide cash registers has reportedly been hacked. People were shocked. There are 330,000 businesses that still have customers who use cash?

Iran has become the first country to ban Pokemon Go. Mostly because without cellphone technology the game pretty much consists of people running around wearing suicide vests looking for goats dressed as Charizard.

Archaeologists say they are close to finding the main gate of the Alamo. The irony is that they discovered it once before but when they went back to the location where they found it, they just couldn’t remember.

Archaeologists say they are close to finding the main gate of the Alamo. They though they had found it once before but it just turned out to be the front door of a car rental agency.

Astronomers say the Milky Way galaxy’s center has a void. To which most Americans are saying that is not true, the Milky Way center is always filled with a creamy nougat and chewy caramel.

Divers in the waters around Hong Kong have reportedly found the Chinese territory’s oldest artifact. Not while they were diving but when they ordered the seafood platter at the Hong Kong Red Lobster.

George P. Bush, the son of Jeb Bush has endorsed Donald Trump for President. Apparently he doesn’t like Trump but is doing the only thing he knows that could make his Uncle George W. Bush’s presidency look not as bad by comparison.

Ivanka Trump says critics of her father are “scared” of a Trump presidency. The sad part is they are just a little more openly frightened than the people who have decided to support him.

Ivanka Trump says critics of her father are “scared” of a Trump presidency. Whatever happened to the elections where the worst thing was having a candidate you voted against because you disagreed with their policies?

The Justice Department has ordered its lawyers to undergo ethics training. Which is like telling a group of vegans they will have to just start eating more steak.

The Justice Department has ordered its lawyers to undergo ethics training. Which will happen right after a group of lawyers is appointed to investigate just what this “ethics” thing is they are talking about.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I watched the movie “The Big Short” over the weekend, a film about what caused the 2007 financial collapse. I highly recommend it, especially for those of you who think that there is no way something like that could happen again. As the Wall Street bankers would say about that, “Just give us time.” The best reason to see the movie is to get you in the right attitude to not be disappointed when your retirement is spent working as a Wal-Mart greeter to come up with the rent for the tool shed you are now living in across from the railroad tracks. The good news is you don’t need electricity for an alarm clock when you are awakened every morning when the 6:15 to Abilene roars by. Or you can just take a shortcut to the inevitable and vote for Donald Trump. Same thing. But the one thing you can always do in the meantime while you still have an Internet connection is to make sure to always keep on sending the love!


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