Sunday, August 07, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A company in Florida has reportedly built a profile of private information on every American adult that they can sell to marketers for a profit. Hasn’t that already been done? It’s called “Facebook.”

A 90 year old Massachusetts man was arrested after claiming he was ripped off by a prostitute. Apparently the hooker took his money but left after waiting three hours for something to happen.

Pope Francis I says that transgenderism is the “annihilation of man.” Or at least as far as Caitlyn Jenner is concerned, is the annihilation of fashion.

A coffee store in L.A. features floor panels which are designed to decharge customers’ static electricity. As opposed to Starbucks where their drink prices are what cause customer static.

The soccer competition has started at the Olympics. The good news is that fans who are concerned about the Zika virus are going to the games wearing mosquito netting which means they can’t use their vuvuzelas.

A report says a Cypriot weightlifter and a Greek competitor have been expelled from the Rio Games for failing drug tests. Fortunately for half the athletes still competing, they won’t be kicked out as the IOC has decided not to classify Zika as a banned substance.

A report says that one third of the Russian Olympic team has been banned from the games for doping. The other two thirds aren’t even athletes, just soldiers looking for a way to get out of having to take part in the next invasion of the Ukraine.

42 people were injured when a railing collapsed at a concert in New Jersey featuring Snoop Dogg and Wiz Khalifa. The only problem is that being a rap concert, medical workers were only geared up to be able to treat people who were victims of gunshot wounds.

42 people were injured when a railing collapsed at a concert in New Jersey featuring Snoop Dogg and Wiz Khalifa. Most the injuries weren’t caused by the fall itself but from people being cut from landing on their bongs.

The first ever team made up entirely of refugees will be competing at the Olympics under the IOC banner. Although it seems a bit insensitive that the theme song played when they win a gold medal is Tom Petty’s “Live Like A Refugee.”

To prevent food waste, some retailers are starting to sell “ugly” fruits and vegetables in stores. Although most people only call a fruit or vegetable ugly when it is actually served to them on a plate.

To prevent food waste, some retailers are starting to sell “ugly” fruits and vegetables. They can get away with it as the majority of Americans don’t really know the fruits and vegetables are ugly as they have never actually seen one before.

A report says the most profitable business is accounting that deals with payroll and tax preparation. Ironically, the least profitable business is being a worker who gets a paycheck after taxes have been deducted from their minimum wage salary.

Donald Trump has revealed his 13 member all-male economic advisory team. So far they say their plan to strengthen the economy is to sell more Korean made hats that say “Make America Great Again.”

Donald Trump has revealed his 13 member all-male economic advisory team which includes bankers who initiated the housing crash and John Paulson, who made billions betting against them. Apparently Trump figures if you have enough greedy people in control of the economy, something has to work out right.

Wild Turkey bourbon has hired Matthew McConaughey as a spokesman. Apparently they are counting on people buying a lot of bourbon after realizing they spent $8 to see “Surfer, Dude.”

A judge has thrown out a lawsuit by third party candidates Gary Johnson and Jill Stein to take part in the presidential debates. Apparently the judge was worried that participants giving rational answers might get in the way of the fireworks show between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

Passengers on Delta Airlines complained that the inflight movie “Carol” had a same sex kiss edited out. To which Delta officials say if travelers are flying for the inflight entertainment, they should book with American so they can watch the drunk passengers fight with the flight attendants.

Passengers on Delta Airlines complained that the inflight movie “Carol” had a same sex kiss edited out. To which airline officials are saying if they want to see porn, why not just look at what the person in the next seat is watching on their laptop?

LAX has been rated as the airport with the most dog relief stations. Or as most people at other airports know that, their unattended luggage.

A study says that middle income jobs have been disappearing the fastest in the U.S. The problem is that “middle income” is now referred to the time between being laid off from a minimum wage job and qualifying for unemployment benefits.

A study says that middle income jobs have been disappearing the fastest in the U.S. The bad part is that “middle income” is the area between people who are barely making it by and the people who have absolutely nothing.

A study says that middle income jobs have been disappearing the fastest in the U.S. The only problem is that today “middle income” is when interviewing for a job and asking about the income only to have the boss give you the middle finger.

A study says that watching nature videos of forests, oceans and jungles has a calming effect on prison inmates. Mostly from knowing there won’t be movie night a riot after having to watch another Adam Sandler film.

A study says American women feel more satisfied with their weight than they were 30 years ago. They’ve gotten a lot fatter over time, but at least they have nothing to complain about when comparing themselves to all the men.

A study says American women feel more satisfied with their weight than they were 30 years ago. Mostly because no matter how fat they get, there is always someone nearby who makes them look skinny by comparison.

A study says that half of American women are overweight before they get pregnant. Which just means that American men have finally given up on their long time vow of “no fat chicks.”

A study says that half of American women are overweight before they get pregnant. It’s getting so bad that when they snack during their pregnancy, they say it’s because they are eating for three.

A study says acupuncture may slow down pre-dementia memory loss. Which is good because there is nothing worse than waking up and wondering how all those needles ended up on your arms and legs.

A survey says some Americans check their cellphones up to 300 times a day. And that’s just to see if the building they are passing happens to be a Pokestop.

A survey says some Americans check their cellphones up to 300 times a day. Although you would think most would give up after seeing for the previous 299 times that no one has given their profile on Tinder a right swipe.

Gregg Allman has canceled all his concerts through mid October because of serious health issues. People were surprised, mostly to find out that Gregg Allman is still alive.

The new president of ABC Entertainment says “The Bachelor” franchise will see an increase in diversity. Meaning that the contestants will come from a more assorted racial mix of egomaniacal, narcissistic douchebags.

Britney Spears admits she is a fan of Photoshop. But it is still not as important to her career as the fact she is also a bigger fan of Auto-Tune.

Soccer legend Pele declined an invitation to light the Olympic Flame in Rio. Apparently he was more than a little worried about trying to get the torch all the way up to the cauldron without using his hands.

Donald Trump is already casting doubt on the legitimacy of the electoral system in the November election. To which George W. Bush is saying “Thank goodness for that!”

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver says he wants to increase the draft age to 20. Mostly because he is afraid any earlier and players drafted by the San Antonio Spurs will become burned out before they reach the team’s minimum retirement age of 50.

Tom Brady says it was a “personal decision” that led him to accept his four game suspension in “Deflategate.” That and that he had run out of appeals, lawyers who would take the case and the fact that he was completely guilty.

Chris Christie says the NBA’s move of the All-Star Game out of Charlotte because of the transgender bathroom bill is “grandstanding.” And who knows grandstanding better than the guy who stood behind Donald Trump on a podium making puppy dog eyes and still didn’t get picked as a running mate?

Chris Christie says the NBA’s move of the All-Star Game out of Charlotte because of the transgender bathroom bill is “grandstanding.” The NBA disagrees, saying they’ve been at the forefront of the transgender movement ever since Dennis Rodman showed up at the pre-game lineup in his wedding dress.

Maps are appearing online to show Pokemon Go players where to collect all the game’s characters. It’s for those who want to share in the excitement of the game but are still not willing to commit to actually having to get off the couch to play it.

Researchers say that the undoing of the Neanderthals was their inability to figure out how to wear cold weather clothing. Which finally explains why Sylvester Stallone is wearing nothing but shorts and a tank top while mountain climbing at 14,000 feet in “Cliff Hanger.”

Researchers say that the undoing of the Neanderthals was their inability to figure out how to wear cold weather clothing. Which led to them starving because they couldn’t go food shopping in places posting “No shirt, no shoes, no service.”

The first U.S. gold medal at the Rio Olympics was won in the 10 Meter Air Rifle competition by a student at West Virginia University. She was awarded the gold for being the only one who could take down a Zika spreading mosquito with one shot at 30 paces.

Donald Trump defended himself for suggesting a mother take her crying baby outside during a rally. He says the only reason he would ever ask for a baby to be removed is if the parents are from another country.

A court says the IRS may still be targeting conservatives. Mostly because all the liberals are still working at food co-ops, coffee shops and hemp farms and don’t have an income the IRS can target in the first place.

An Olympic kayaker reportedly capsized during a race after colliding with a submerged sofa. The good news is that a couch helping to determine the outcome of an Olympic event gave future medal hopes to video game players all across the U.S.

An Olympic kayaker reportedly capsized during a race after colliding with a submerged sofa. What’s worse is that he hit it while trying to paddle around an armoire, davenport and futon.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Have you been unable to take your eyes off the TV screen the past few days for fear of missing out on even one minute of the Olympic pageantry, competition and drama? Me neither. If I wanted to watch something that droned on into the early morning hours for days on end I would have recorded the entire GOP and Democratic conventions. Sorry, I am just not that drawn to the Rugby Sevens, Handball and Badminton matches. Where is the skill set of people who are playing table tennis without a beer in their free hand? The only athletic feats I am interested in is when you all take to the keyboards with your incredibly nimble fingers to furiously and accurately make sure to keep sending the love!



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