Thursday, August 04, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A U.N. report says meat should be taxed until it is too expensive to eat. Or as most Americans call that, “now.”

A U.N. report says meat should be taxed until it is too expensive to eat. Or as an alternative, the meat industry should just be handed over to the people who now run the banks, utilities or big oil.

Wine flooded the streets of a town in France in what has been described as an act of sabotage over falling prices. Which people on the other side of the issue are saying is more just a case of sour grapes.

A report says that implants could eventually connect humans to computers. Or people could forego having a surgical procedure and instead just use a mouse, cellphone or tablet that does the same thing now.

A naked restaurant is set to open in Paris. The only difference is that the first course served in a room with a hundred people who haven’t bathed or used deodorant is called the “unappetizer.”

A study says that age most people will likely cheat on their partner is 39 or the last year of any decade of age. When dealing with men exclusively, that age is any birthday ending in a number.

A study says that age most people will likely cheat on their partner is 39 or the last year of any decade of age. So when men turn 40 they are the ones who are giving the present to their wives, which turns out to be half of everything they own.

Food shortages in Venezuela have made buying flour, pasta and milk take up a month’s worth of pay. Or as most stoners would call that, well worth the cost.

A Wyoming woman pleaded guilty to robbing a bank so she could return to prison where she feels more at home. Which makes sense as if she was really trying to commit a crime for the money, she would have gone to a place where the customers actually still have some cash.

A study says the expert men trust the most is themselves. Which explains why a man will never be seen asking a perfect stranger for directions.

The Miss Florida contestant who lost her crown for using a professional makeup artist is suing the pageant for $15 Million. To which officials at the Miss Teen USA Pageant breathed a sigh of relief that their winner was only called out for sending racist tweets.

The Miss Florida contestant who lost her crown for using a professional makeup artist is suing the pageant for $15 Million. Fortunately the other contestants kept within the rules and stayed with just Botox, boob jobs and liposuction.

The Taj Mahal Casino in Atlantic City which was opened by Donald Trump has closed after years of losses. Which is unfortunate as the gaming bosses were planning on making a fortune in the next few months on people dumb enough to bet on Trump winning the presidency.

The Taj Mahal Casino in Atlantic City which was opened by Donald Trump has closed after years of losses. Which shows that at least Trump is not affiliated with the mob or he would have ended up in the East River years ago.

Hillary Clinton has already started taking the first steps towards the transition to move into the White House. Her first decision is which China to order that will be the easiest for a woman her age to still be able to throw at Bill.

Hillary Clinton has already started taking the first steps towards the transition to move into the White House. Her first move was to set the hiring standards for all the interns which includes either being a man, or if a woman being no younger than 60.

Italy has adopted a new law to slash the amount of food that is wasted. Or as Americans call that idea, “not really an issue here.”

Italy has adopted a new law to slash the amount of food that is wasted. Which apparently means they legalized marijuana.

Fencer Ibtihaj Mohammad has become the first woman on the U.S. Olympic team to wear a hijab. Which is different than Donald Trump who is looking for fencers he can hire to keep women wearing hijabs from coming into the U.S.

A report says U.S. businesses added 179,000 jobs in July. Mostly people being hired by the Clinton and Trump campaigns to see if one of them can actually do something to try and get some good publicity for once.

A study says even small bursts of exercise can make kids healthier. Unfortunately that doesn’t include the sprint to get from the couch to the kitchen and back with more soda, cookies and chips before the commercial break is over.

A study says that in the past 30 years the average American has gained 15 pounds without getting any taller. Are they sure it’s only 15 pounds? What are they measuring, just the left leg?

A study says that in the past 30 years the average American has gained 15 pounds without getting any taller. Which means our diet has gone over the years from adding height to just increasing our width.

A study says stressed out dads can affect their kids’ development. Which is ironic for fathers whose fears about the cost of college are making it so their kids won’t be smart enough to get there in the first place.

A study says that flossing may not help a person’s teeth. Which doesn’t bother floss makers, they are still making money. Mostly by using the floss for the latest line of bikinis for the Kardashians.

A study says a good attitude towards aging can hope seniors cope with stress. Mostly the stress from their greedy kids trying to figure out a way to get their inheritance early.

A study says a good attitude towards aging can hope seniors cope with stress. Like realizing that if they can just make it to age 90, they may finally have enough money put away to consider retirement.

A study says Millennials are having less sex than any previous generation except for during the 1920s. Mostly because even their 90 year old grandparents have a better chance of scoring at the nursing home than they do while still living in their parents’ basement.

Ozzy Osbourne is reportedly undergoing “intense therapy” for sex addiction. Which means he would rather pay an outrageous fee for treatment of a phony syndrome than turn over half of what he owns to his wife.

Penn Jillette has reportedly lost 100 pounds on a diet where he ate only two things. One was plain potatoes. The other was hey, has anyone seen Teller lately?

Nielsen says it will start measuring TV chatter on Facebook as part of their ratings surveys. Which means “The Big Bang Theory” could be knocked out of first place by videos of a cat playing the piano and a hamster eating a cracker.

Jon Gosselin says he hasn’t seen all eight of his children at the same time in three years. It’s just too bad he can’t get them a bulk discount for lunch some time at the TGI Friday’s when he is busing the tables.

Jon Gosselin says he hasn’t seen all eight of his children at the same time in three years. Mostly because they are worried if they all show up together, he will meet them with a film crew to try and sell it as a reunion episode.

A report says after a disastrous couple of days, Donald Trump’s allies are planning an intervention for the candidate. Although his latest behavior may be an indication at this point he needs something more like an exorcism.

An umpire ejected a fan at a baseball game in Philadelphia for being belligerent. The question is, what do you have to do short of murder to be singled out for being rude in a crowd of other Phillies fans?

An umpire ejected a fan at a baseball game in Philadelphia for being belligerent. How much was that fan out of line? That’s like being tossed from a Scottish soccer match for being unruly.

The Nigerian Olympic soccer team was stranded at the Atlanta International Airport over an unpaid flight bill. Apparently the airline declined a proposal by their representative where they would cancel the debt and instead get $100 Million in cash when their friend the prince is released from jail.

The Canadian women’s soccer team scored the fastest goal in Olympic history, 20 seconds into the game. It beat the old record of 3 hours and 45 minutes.

Nike has announced it will no longer make golf clubs, balls or bags. Apparently they are tired of waiting for Tiger Woods, the only person who has actually ever used their equipment to come back to the tour.

Nike has announced it will no longer make golf clubs, balls or bags. To which Phil Mickelson finally gets to say “I told you so!”

Derek Fisher says he may try a comeback in the NBA at age 41. Even Brett Favre is saying to give it a rest.

Derek Fisher says he may try a comeback in the NBA at age 41. Apparently with Tim Duncan retiring, he heard the San Antonio Spurs may be looking to move in a younger direction.

Legislation has been signed legalizing fantasy sports in New York. Or as New Yorkers call fantasy sports betting, placing a wager on the Knicks, Yankees or Mets to win.

Michael Phelps made a comment that left the door open on his returning for the 2020 Olympics. Even presidential election pundits were saying it’s a bit too early to be thinking that far ahead.

Oliver Stone has recorded a PSA for movie theaters asking people to turn off their cellphones during films, reminding people that they can be tracked by the government any time they use it. More importantly, if they take a call during a critical scene they will probably be shot by the person sitting behind them.

Kim Kardashian is reportedly looking for a new cellphone after her favorite Blackberry broke. Apparently it couldn’t take the strain of coming up with enough megapixels to take a picture that included her entire backside.

Apple says women and minority workers earn the same money as white males doing the same job. Mostly because the only jobs they are hiring women and minorities for are intern and janitor.

A Hillary Clinton fundraiser was reportedly held at a hackers conference in Las Vegas. Mostly because the hackers are happy to kick back a little cash to her and the DNC for giving them so much practice breaking into their private e-mail servers.

Intel has recalled their Basis Peak fitness watch that can overheat causing burns and blisters. It is the biggest case of people being burned by a timepiece since the customers who shelled out $500 for an Apple Watch.

A Princeton study exposes the different ways that web sites can spy on people. Which is fortunate for researchers who were able to use the different ways of spying on unsuspecting people so they could get the necessary information to complete the study in the first place.

Apple says that 54% of its new hires are minorities. Of course, to Apple a minority is a white male who wears anything other than khaki Dockers, a Polo shirt along with a beard and a man bun.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hillary Clinton has opened up a YUGE lead over Donald Trump. The good news for that is with Trump backed into a corner he is more likely to say even more outrageous things that will make my job that much easier here. Although my job is always easier when I see that all of you have taken the time to make sure to keep on always sending the love!


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