Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

500 cows were reportedly rustled from a ranch in New Zealand. So far the only suspects ruled out were the local McDonald’s and Taco Bell.

40 cases of Hepatitis have been linked to smoothies served in Virginia. Apparently the smoothies were part of a promotion that were given out free at a local parlor with the purchase of any tattoo.

FBI Director James Comey says he wants to have an “adult conversation” on device encryption. Which is a coincidence as most people want encryption so their partners won’t be able to see the adult conversations they have been having online with other people.

Researchers say dogs know what their owners are saying. Which pretty much amounts to “Blah, blah, blah cookie,” “blah, blah, blah bath” or “blah, blah, blah ride.”

Researchers say dogs know what their owners are saying. Which isn’t too hard to figure out by the tone that they aren’t happy when they find their brand new pair of Air Jordans in a shredded pile on the living room floor.

The USDA has closed offices in five states because of threats. Although there isn’t a huge amount of concern as the only people who have an issue with the Agriculture Department are just a bunch of couch potatoes anyways.

A study suggests some people are sharing their pets’ medication. Which makes sense when you consider how embarrassing it would be to go to the doctor and ask for a prescription because you have a case of the worms.

A study suggests some people are sharing their pets’ medication. Mostly because there are no human prescriptions for some infestations and who wants to walk around wearing a flea collar?

A report says there is no proof that edible sunscreens work. Other than the fact of when is the last time you ever saw anyone with a sunburned tongue?

A report says there is no proof that edible sunscreens work. Mostly because who wants to go through all the trouble to consume a drink as a sun block only to find out that the only part of them that got tan was their kidneys and spleen?

An 18 year old woman in Texas has enrolled in college along with her 82 year old grandfather. Mostly because she can cheat off his tests in history class since he has lived through so much of it.

An 18 year old woman in Texas has enrolled in college along with her 82 year old grandfather. She feels it is important as a way to learn more about her family, take advantage of his wisdom and have someone around who is old enough to buy beer.

The European Union has ruled Apple must pay $15 Billion in back taxes, causing an angry reaction in Washington. Charging extra money just because of the name “Apple”? Now the company knows what it’s like to buy an iPhone.

The European Union has ruled Apple must pay $15 Billion in back taxes, causing an angry reaction in Washington. Government officials were furious that no one told them they could actually make corporations pay taxes.

Washio, an on-demand laundry service startup has gone under. Apparently investors were worried about putting their money into the company after there were rumors all the money was being laundered.

Washio, an on-demand laundry service startup has gone under. Apparently one day employees came in to see everything just folded.

Google has agreed to pay Apple $5.5 Million in a case alleging unfair, deceptive and unlawful business practices. Or as that is otherwise known at Google, the company’s  business model.

Google has agreed to pay Apple $5.5 Million in a case alleging unfair, deceptive and unlawful business practices. Mostly for the fact all those tactics were long ago copyrighted by Apple.

The $15 Billion tax bill against Apple imposed by the European Union accounts for only 6% of the company’s cash and investments. Just to make a point, Apple is going to use another 23% of its net value to buy Ireland out of spite.

A report says Apple paid just $50 in taxes on every $1 Million in income worldwide in 2014. Even Donald Trump is calling for the company to release all its tax returns.

A survey says 43% of people think they are their company’s top performer. Especially recent college graduates who know they work the fry machine better than any of the high school freshmen they work alongside at McDonald’s.

A survey says 43% of people think they are their company’s top performer. The other 57% likes to help them prove it by letting them do all the work while everyone else is running around playing Pokemon Go.

A survey says that private chefs have the biggest egos in the work force. Although probably not as big as the people who have the money it takes to hire a private chef.

The president of American Airlines has been hired over to become president at United. He took the job because his salary at United is way overpriced, he can take up to six months to report for work and can cancel without notice at any time.

The president of American Airlines has been hired over to become president at United. Ironically, the first day on the new job started off with him having to go through security at airlines headquarters where they promptly lost his briefcase.

The WHO is giving out treatment advice for people who have contracted syphilis, gonorrhea of chlamydia. The first thing to do is stop living in 1973.

Researchers say iPads help reduce kids’ anxiety before they go into surgery. Except for the ones who are playing Pokemon Go and find a Charizard lurking in their tonsils.

Researchers say iPads help reduce kids’ anxiety before they go into surgery. At least as long as they don’t use the device to look up any information about their illness on Google.

Former Texas Governor Rick Perry will be a contestant on the upcoming season of “Dancing With The Stars”. The only problem is getting to make any moves other than constantly spinning and shifting farther to the right.

Chris Brown has been arrested following a standoff where he reportedly pulled a gun on a woman. Although the good news is that it’s nice to see him finally back out dating again.

Katherine McPhee says the Kardashians are “deep thinking, feeling people.” The only thing deep about that statement is whatever it is McPhee is walking through.

A report says the iPhone will lose its Home button next year. Apparently there is a problem in that when people push it too many times it causes Siri to blush.

A self-driving vehicle war is reportedly heating up between Google and Uber. The worst thing that could come out of something like that would be if the two companies merged and became “Goober.”

SpaceX will attempt the first ever launch of a recycled rocket. Mostly because NASA has always worked with the policy on all its launches of no deposits, and they never return.

SpaceX will attempt the first ever launch of a recycled rocket. The only problem is after the rocket is recovered they have to haul it all the way to Michigan to get ten cents instead of a nickel.

A security firm is warning that Russian hackers are targeting U.S. think tanks. The only question is why didn’t any of our think tanks already figure out that might be a problem?

Lowe’s says it will soon begin using autonomous service robots in some stores. Which is great if you need help in deciding between which color to paint your house as long as it is between white, bone white or ivory white.

Lowe’s says it will soon begin using autonomous service robots in some stores. The only problem will be listening to its sob story while it goes on about the couple that just walked out with the refrigerator it had a crush on.

A study says two thirds of all states saw an increase in new businesses last year. Mostly businesses to help people deal with their foreclosure on their home, declaring personal bankruptcy and moving somewhere less expensive to live.

The government says it is looking for help in analyzing a spike in traffic deaths in the U.S. in 2015. Which shouldn’t be hard to figure out is mostly a result of texting, taking selfies and playing Pokemon Go while behind the wheel.

The government says it is looking for help in analyzing a spike in traffic deaths in the U.S. in 2015. Which may have something to do with the fact that all the 2015 models are the ones that started using Takata airbags.

Researchers looking for extraterrestrial life say they are investigating strange signals from a star 94 light years away from Earth. That means the solar system would just now be receiving signals from our first radio station transmissions in 1922. Which explains the message that translates to “What is this crap?”

Donald Trump is meeting with Mexico’s president today. The fun part will be when Trump tries to return to the states and finds out that the Mexicans at the border have already built a wall.

Donald Trump is meeting with Mexico’s president today. Apparently the meeting was hastily arranged but Mexico has already arranged to send transportation. He will be arriving first class in a Chevy that has been customized to actually have air conditioning inside the trunk.

President Obama has commuted the terms of more than 100 federal prisoners whom he feels have been given “harsh” sentences. Which could be argued by anyone who has ever served time that spending even one day in prison is pretty harsh.

Chris Christie has vetoed a bill calling for a $15 an hour minimum wage in New Jersey. Apparently Christie feels it would be tough on businesses, could result in layoffs and more importantly could jack up the prices at HomeTown Buffet.

A report says Pentagon officials allowed Department of Defense workers to use government credit cards to spend more than a million dollars at casinos and strip clubs. Although the good news is that they spent a lot less there than they would have by going to the office and approving any new defense systems.

Mark Cuban is reportedly being considered to be used as a stand in for Donald Trump in Hillary Clinton’s debate rehearsals. Although when it comes to ego, need for personal attention and crazy ideas it might be a lot closer to the real thing to try to line up Kanye West.

Maine Governor Paul LePage is apologizing for leaving a profane voice mail, saying it was “totally my fault.” Which saddened career politicians in Washington who say anyone who dials themselves, uses their real name, doesn’t disguise their voice but still can’t blame it on someone else is just not ready for big time politics.

A group says the start of the Anthropocene Epoch, marking the effects of mankind on the planet needs to be declared as starting in 1950. Mostly because they just want it documented before the entire planet goes up in flames two months after Donald Trump moves into the White House.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Donald Trump visiting Mexico is not the headline I expected to see today. Unless it had something to do with a trade for El Chapo. This has all got to do with Trump realizing within three weeks of him shutting down the border, his golf courses in Florida will be reclassified as swampland. What’s even worse is that now the word is the presidential debates won’t be moderated by NBC, CBS, ABC or CNN but the MMA. I am worried about this country. But hey, we made it through Nixon, Reagan and almost George W. Bush. And you can always make me feel a little less stressed every time you remember to keep on sending the love!



No comments: