Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin says she is leaving husband Anthony Weiner after it was revealed he was involved in another sexting scandal. Apparently Abedin knew something was up when he sent a romantic text to her.

Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin says she is leaving husband Anthony Weiner after it was revealed he was involved in another sexting scandal. Hillary was surprised that Abedin gave up so soon on the marriage. She still hadn’t gotten to the point where she was throwing the good China at him.

MSNBC accidentally played the wrong tape during a segment where they were going to show Hillary Clinton accusing Donald Trump of being a racist but instead showed a commercial for fried chicken. To which most people said “same thing.”

300 reindeer in Norway were killed by a lightning strike. It was the most reindeer ever killed by electric shock since the night Rudolph tried to juice up the circuitry in his nose with a 200 amp fuse.

300 reindeer in Norway were killed by a lightning strike. It was the most reindeer ever killed by electric shock since the Christmas Eve Rudolph used a burned out incandescent bulb in his nose and took the whole team into a row of power lines.

A loud noise caused an active shooter panic at LAX Sunday night which resulted in chaos and flight delays. Or as United Airlines calls that, “on schedule.”

San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick, who is being criticized for sitting during the National Anthem says he will “continue to stand with the people who are being oppressed.” Which is an obvious reference to the people across the Bay who hold season tickets for the Raiders.

A report says an indestructible strain of E.coli has reached the U.S. Apparently antibiotics won’t help so the only way to avoid it is to wash food thoroughly, cook it to the proper temperature or build up an immunity by eating every meal at Chipotle.

A report says that New York City residents are not having sex as frequently as before. Mostly the ones who opened a cellphone text message only to see a naked picture of Anthony Weiner.

An escaped teen prisoner in Australia is asking the media to use a different mug shot to identify her. That’s the problem when you are in those awkward years and realize that orange is just not your best color.

Italy’s anti-Mafia chief says the country must keep the crime syndication must be kept out of the rebuilding process following the recent devastating earthquake. Apparently he wants to keep Italians from being victimized by a second shakedown.

Researchers say the 3.2 Million year old fossilized human ancestor known as “Lucy” died after dropping from a great height. Not only that, but scientists were also able to theorize her last words were “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!”

A controversial paper claiming that is critical of how pension plans estimate their future value of their assets will be published after all. To which most Americans hearing the news said “Pensions?”

A truck full of Takata airbag components exploded in Texas, killing one person. Police are looking for a suspect who is said to possibly be a disgruntled crash test dummy.

CheapAir.com has announced a plan to let people pay for airline tickets with monthly installments. Which means people opting to pay for a flight on United may be able to make their last payment before they complete the final leg of their trip.

Pharmaceutical company Mylan says it will offer generic EpiPens to people at half price as a solution to raising the name brand devices by several hundred dollars. After announcing the plan to give people a 50% break that makes them pay three times the original price, even oil company executives had to say “Brilliant!”

A study says most American adults with depression are not getting treatment. Mostly the ones who are depressed about not having health care insurance that will cover visits to a therapist.

A study says transplant recipients who resume smoking have a shorter survival span. Especially the kidney transplant patients who like to smoke while they finish off their nightly case of beer.

Justin Bieber fans thought the singer had returned to Instagram this week but it turned out to be an accident. Apparently he decided to shut it down permanently after restarting it and getting a deluge of pictures from Anthony Weiner.

France is asking the makers of Pokemon Go to keep the game out of their schools. It’s tough enough to get the schoolchildren to concentrate on their studies after a lunch where they wash down some afternoon crepes with three glasses of wine.

Joe Theismann says Colin Kaepernick’s sitting down during the National Anthem is “disrespectful.” He feels the only excuse a quarterback ever has for sitting down is when they are trying to see which way their foot should actually be facing after a double compound fracture of their tibia and fibula.

Michael Phelps says he was listening to rapper Future when the picture was taken of him giving a rival his game face. In a related story it turns out that right before his gold medal race, Ryan Lochte was listening to the Thompson Twins “Lies”, the Eurythmics “Would I Lie To You?” and the Eagles “Lyin’ Eyes”.

Apple is being sued over what iPhone 6 customers are calling “touch disease”, a failure of the phone when the touch screen is used. It is so contagious that people are getting the Zika virus just from catching an infected Pokemon Go Charizard.

Fox News Channel says former host Andrea Tantaros, who has filed sexual harassment charges against the network is not a victim but an opportunist. Up until now, labeling going from a victim to an opportunist meant someone switching the channel from CNN to anything else.

A report says soon most PCs will not have hard drives anymore but will have them replaced with new solid state drives. To which Hillary Clinton is saying all she wants to know is can you still wipe the new ones clean?

A lawsuit by the FTC against AT&T claiming the carrier is Internet data speeds for certain customers has been dismissed. Mostly because the judge found out that AT&T gives all of its customers the same slow and inferior service.

The FBI says hackers have stolen voter registration records in Arizona and Illinois. Which is no big deal since half the people registered to vote in Illinois are dead and for half the voters in Arizona it’s just a matter of time.

Three days after Facebook removed human news editors for its trending topics list, the replacement algorithm ran a fake story about Megyn Kelly leaving Fox News. That proves the human element is necessary in news, as anyone would know that a good looking blonde woman with high ratings would never be fired from Fox.

A report says the iPhone 7 will be unveiled on September 7th. Even better news for Apple fans is that the iPhone 8 will be introduced on October 15th, the iPhone 9 on November 3rd and the iPhone 10 on December 23rd.

Fitbit has unveiled a health tracker that can be used in the swimming pool. The only question is when Ryan Lochte’s heart rate goes up rapidly is it because he is in the middle of a race to win an Olympic gold medal or because a security guard has just put a gun to his head.

Chicago says it will install 100 computers around the city to measure air quality and traffic. Authorities are going with such a large number of computers in the hope that by the end of the first week there will still be three or four of them that will not have been shot to pieces.

A report says the U.S. and India may have lots of programmers but Russia and China have the most talented developers. Which works out well for Russia and China because they let the U.S. and India do all the work then they just hack us to get the finished product.

Tesla has raised the price of its self-driving AutoPilot system by $500. Apparently the extra money is being charged because of Tesla’s policy for covering the cost of all their customers’ casket and funeral expenses.

NASA says the spacecraft Juno has passed within 2,600 miles of Jupiter. Which is exactly the same thing United Airlines says when one of their flights bound for New York City from Seattle only makes it as far as Spokane.

MIT and Ford are using Bostonians’ cellphone location data for traffic planning. Which is really good news for the people who have been stuck in gridlock on
Interstate 93 for the past four days.

Scientists in Australia have discovered a vast reef behind the Great Barrier Reef. Which had surfers really excited to get into the waters in those areas until they realized they weren’t talking about reefer.

Michigan could become the first state to allow driverless cars with no humans behind the wheel. Apparently they feel it is just so much more dangerous when drive-by shooters are trying to aim their guns as well as keep a hand on the steering wheel at the same time.

Michigan could become the first state to allow driverless cars with no humans behind the wheel. Authorities are just looking out for people who feel safer letting the car drive itself so they don’t have get off the floor to see where they are going and put their heads into the window level target zone.

Russians are being blamed for the hacking of two U.S. voter databases. Which is really not necessary since Russia’s image with the rest of the world will improve greatly with either Trump or Clinton winning the White House.

A poll says 62% of Americans want Donald Trump to release his tax returns. The other 38% will be satisfied to see what happens if he walks outside without a hat when the wind is blowing more than 35 miles and hour.

Two United Airlines pilots were arrested in Scotland as they were preparing to fly to New Jersey. The only question is whether they needed to get drunk for the flight into Scotland or if they waited until they had to leave for New Jersey.

Two United Airlines pilots were arrested in Scotland as they were preparing to fly to Newark. Their defense is that Scotland has soccer hooligans and Newark has the Jersey Shore, so when in Rome…

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news out of Hollywood as funnyman Gene Wilder has died at age 83. He was known for a lot of different roles, but will most likely be remembered for portraying Willie Wonka in the 1971 movie “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”. He could also do serious roles and was very versatile as a performer. He will live on in the hearts and minds of many, so think of Gene Wilder today when you take the time you normally reserve to remember to keep on sending the love!

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