Wednesday, August 03, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says incidents of sexual misconduct between teachers in Texas and their students have been increasing. Apparently the schools are more concerned about lecturing the 2nd Amendment than the 7,th  9th and 10th Commandments.

A bar owner in England has blocked cell signals to promote face to face conversation. To which most people under 30 are saying “What’s conversation?”

A bar owner in England has blocked cell signals to promote face to face conversation. That will change when he realizes half the people are stopping in because they thought it was a PokeStop where they are looking for Pikachu.

A bar owner in England has blocked cell signals to promote face to face conversation. Which will be awkward when people put their hand in someone’s face and try to “swipe right.”

Mel Gibson and Sean Penn are set to star in a movie called “The Professor and the Madman.” Which is going to be uncomfortable when it is discovered that the casting director hired them both for the same part.

A Florida woman reportedly accidentally shot herself with a gun while using Snapchat. She should have known she was using the wrong hand when she went to focus and instead heard the cylinder spinning.

A Florida woman reportedly accidentally shot herself with a gun while using Snapchat. It wasn’t the first time she got the two confused. Just last week she winged Charizard with a flesh wound while playing Pokemon Go.

A report says that young people are having less sex. Mostly because there is that lack of privacy when they climb into the backseat with someone else and realize there is an Uber driver sitting up front.

A study says endurance exercise slows the aging process. Mostly for people who when they finally get up off the couch to work out it just feels like life is passing more slowly.

A scientist says reality may be an illusion and that we are all just part of a computer simulation run by an “evil genius.” Although most people discount that as no one would try to pass off a reality where Donald Trump is nominated for President.

A scientist says reality may be an illusion and that we are all just part of a computer simulation run by an “evil genius.” How else would a guy with Bill Gates’ haircut end up as the richest person on the planet?

A mysterious “creepy” clown has reportedly been seen walking around Green Bay, Wisconsin. It wouldn’t be so alarming to locals other than the fact he has never been seen wearing a Cheesehead hat.

A court in Delaware has ruled the state’s death penalty law unconstitutional. The only problem is that it could be considered cruel and unusual punishment for any inmates who are sentenced to life imprisonment in Delaware.

Canadians are being urged to avoid parts of Florida where the Zika virus has been found. In a related story, Floridians are urged to avoid local beaches which are frequented by Canadians who insist on always wearing Speedos.

Researchers say there is actually no evidence that flossing has any health benefits. To which most people in Alabama are saying that there goes five minutes over the course of their entire life they will never get back.

Researchers say there is actually no evidence that flossing has any health benefits. To which people in England are saying to think they were nearly also talked into brushing, using mouthwash and seeing an orthodontist.

Flint, Michigan has reached a temporary agreement for trash pickup after the city’s refuse contract expired. The good news is that the piles of decomposing trash on people’s lawns have at least taken everyone’s minds off their toxic drinking water.

A report says despite all the problems in Rio, the Olympics could be the highest rated ever. That could be in part to the opening of the telecasts which will tout “the thrill of victory and the agony of Zika.”

Under Armour has reportedly made special shoes for Michael Phelps using a 3D printer. Although if they really wanted to do something to help his athletic performance, shouldn’t they instead have made him a pair of flippers?

A report says the death tax will soon be tougher to dodge. Although so far the only way to be able to get past the death tax was to just keep living.

The White House has hosted the first ever drone workshop. Which until now a “drone workshop” was what everyone on Capitol Hill referred to as a press briefing.

GM has sold its 100,000th Chevy Volt. In another milestone, next week they are expected to announce the 100,000th recall of a Chevy Volt.

Yahoo is looking into a possible breach of up to 200 Million user accounts. Which at this point is probably as valuable as getting hold of a subscription list for Life magazine.

Yahoo is looking into a possible breach of up to 200 Million user accounts. Although at this point a bigger question is who is still actually getting their e-mail through Yahoo?

Starbucks is recalling 2.5 Million stainless steel straws because of the risk of laceration. The only bigger threat of laceration from Starbucks is when people consider slashing their wrists when they get their monthly coffee bill.

A report says the auto plant of the future will feature robots that interact with humans. Mostly to give humans directions to the unemployment office when the robots make their job obsolete.

A survey says patients say that dementia, incontinence and breathing machines are a worse fear than death. Mostly knowing someday their grandchildren will be taking pictures of them hooked up to a breathing machine while wearing a diaper and not being aware that they are posting them on Facebook.

Researchers say they have discovered the origin of the female orgasm. Apparently it goes back to the early 20th century and the invention of the first battery powered vibrator.

Researchers say they have discovered the origin of the female orgasm. Unfortunately, when the report is given to men to read they end up falling asleep before they get all the way to the end.

McDonald’s has started using real butter in its Egg McMuffins. If that works out, they say they may some day start trying to use real eggs and real muffins.

Images of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are being prepared for display at Madame Tussauds. Although the two figures will have to be shown in different rooms as apparently every time they get within 50 feet of each other they both start to melt down.

Miss Teen USA Karlie Hay says that “friends and music” influenced her past racist tweets. Which means that will be the last time she hangs out with the people who took her to that Hank Williams, Jr. concert.

“Sesame Street” has apologized for the “misunderstanding” of several of its stars after the show moved over to HBO. In other words they are sorry they were caught firing staffers they thought were too old.

Vanilla Ice reportedly had a public meltdown at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. Apparently it came down to being charged a fee for an in-flight drink when he asked the flight attendant for some extra ice, ice baby.

Vanilla Ice reportedly had a public meltdown at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. People were surprised. They had no idea that Vanilla Ice’s career had taken him past traveling anywhere on Greyhound.

The L.A. Rams canceled a “Rams Legends” game because of poor ticket sales. Which brought back even more nostalgic feelings seeing fans supporting the team exactly the same as they did the first time the Rams were in L.A.

The L.A. Rams canceled a “Rams Legends” game because of poor ticket sales. Apparently fans were holding off committing to any tickets as they had never before seen the words “Rams” and “Legends” used together in the same sentence.

The U.S. Olympic basketball teams will reportedly stay on the Silver Cloud cruise ship during the games. Although the Olympic Committee could have just made all the athletes immune to Zika, botulism and Hepatitis C by having them take a cruise on Carnival.

Jets wide receiver Brandon Marshall punted a ball over stadium bleachers after having a poor practice session. Ironically, the Jets wouldn’t need to be looking for a spare punter if the receivers wouldn’t keep wearing them out if once in a while they would catch a third down pass.

Alex Rodriguez says about his possible release by the Yankees that he has to “look in the mirror.” Ironically, he might not be worried about being cut if he had spent a little more time at practice instead of staring at himself in the clubhouse mirror.

The University of Idaho is offering PE credits to students playing Pokemon Go. Wouldn’t you know that getting kids off the couch would be a priority in a state famous for its potatoes?

The University of Idaho is offering PE credits to students playing Pokemon Go. The bad part for the students is getting completely wrapped up in the game and having to explain to a history professor why they answered the question “Who was the first person on the Moon?” with “Charizard.”

The University of Idaho is offering PE credits to students playing Pokemon Go. They might really have something if they can only get the same kind of enthusiasm during workouts from the members of their football team.

A report says Virtual Reality needs government backing to be able to provide benefits to society. And who knows the concept of Virtual Reality better than the people in Congress who pretend to even try to balance the budget every year?

A Dutch man flew 5,000 miles to China and waited ten days at the airport to meet up with a woman he met online, only to have her end up as a no-show. The good news is that he was able to use the time walking around the airport catching all 4,269 characters in Pokemon Go.

Reports say that Donald Trump’s campaign team is falling apart. Which is no big deal. All Trump needs to keep his free publicity going is a cellphone and access to his Twitter account.

Ivanka Trump is putting the brakes on questions as to when will she run for office. She says she will make that decision after following in her father’s footsteps and outlining a strategy as to which minority groups she intends to offend the most.

A soldier walked up to Donald Trump at one of his appearances and presented him with his Purple Heart. Which is only fitting, as if Trump were in the military during this campaign he would have already earned several of his own for the number of times he has shot himself in the foot.

A judge has let the fraud case concerning Trump University proceed. What’s worse is that is the most positive publicity that Donald Trump has gotten since the end of the GOP convention.

Ivanka Trump says that sexual harassment is “inexcusable.” Although she continues to support her father’s campaign meaning she is still OK with those other issues like misogyny, xenophobia, Islamophobia…

French President Francois Hollande says that Donald Trump makes “you feel like you want to retch.” Which shows that Hollande now knows how Americans feel after sitting in a French restaurant for two hours surrounded by people who have never even heard of deodorant.

A study says Florida’s drivers are the worst in the nation. The good news is that after three weeks of analysis, researchers were able to find one person who actually changed lanes within three blocks of using his turn signal.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is August, typically the month that Congress takes off in its entirety to take a break from the tiring task of running this nation into the ground. The bad news is that they take along with it a twelfth of my annual comedy material when they are gone. Although in the meantime, with Hillary and Trump going at it every day, who needs Congress? But as I always say anyway, all I ever need is for all of you to take the time to remember to keep on sending the love!


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