Sunday, August 28, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Billionaire Richard Branson says he was nearly killed in a bicycle accident last week. To which George W. Bush says that’s what happens when you take the training wheels off.

Billionaire Richard Branson says he was nearly killed in a bicycle accident last week. Ironically, he was pedaling on his way to go see a concert with Bono and U2.

Louis Vuitton has paid $122 Million to buy a store on Beverly Hills’ Rodeo Drive. The investment was a huge risk, and will take selling at least 20 Louis Vuitton handbags to make back the money.

A psychiatrist says up to 60% of college students have a psychological disorder. Mostly anxiety and depression knowing they will be working the next 40 years to pay off their student loans.

A psychiatrist says up to 60% of college students have a psychological disorder. The idea is that paying all that money to get drunk and have sex for four years is still cheaper and more beneficial than visiting a therapist.

A study says binge watching TV can result in depression, weight gain and no sex. Mostly because who wants to have sex with a sad and morbidly obese person who just wants to sit and watch three straight seasons of “Game of Thrones”?

A study says upbeat music makes workers more productive. Although the Seven Dwarfs had to work in a mine and even whistling while they worked didn’t stop one of them from being Grumpy.

Japanese authorities warned of a possible measles outbreak from an infected fan who went to a Justin Bieber concert. Which is not much different from other Bieber concerts which have been canceled because of chicken pox, mumps and diaper rash.

The U.S. is considering speed limiting devices on trucks and buses which would allow them to go a maximum of 60, 65 or 68 MPH. It’s being fought by truckers who say sometimes they need to go 85 MPH to get to the next truck stop quickly to score a fresh supply when they run out of amphetamines.

Portland, Oregon has called for a ban on religious, talk and rap music being played on the radio in school buses. Authorities don’t want children to be exposed to dangerous, mind altering formats that preach violence and hatred. And they think the rap music can be too loud.

A top Pentagon weapons tester say the F 35 fighter jet has “significant problems.” For one thing, the plane costs so much money there was nowhere near enough left over to bribe the testers to give it their usual glowing report.

A couple was rescued from an uninhabited island in Micronesia when searchers spotted their SOS in the sand. The sad part is the distress message was apparently left there but never seen by another group that didn’t make it, leaving behind seven skeletons and a boat called the S.S. Minnow.

Movie theaters are looking to enhance films with seats that move along with the action. Which for most moviegoers, the only movement they want from their seat is to take them over to the concession stand for a popcorn refill.

A report says pushing the retirement age to 70 will be harder on low income workers. Mostly because they won’t have as much money to get by on as they will with their current plan that keeps them working until they are 94.

Four airlines have been fined for giving customers inaccurate information about compensation for being bumped and lost luggage. Especially United, which gave passengers on canceled flights with no luggage a flight attendant’s uniform to wear while they instead had them driven to their destination on Uber.

Berkeley, California has approved a $15 an hour minimum wage in the city by 2018. Which is good news for the people who know they will then be making just $35 an hour less than the poverty line for anyone living in Berkeley.

Berkeley, California has approved a $15 an hour minimum wage in the city by 2018. That will be a relief to all the UC Berkeley grads who know they will be able to get a job that will allow them to pay off their student loans in as little as 73 years.

A poll says the image of the real estate profession is improving. Mostly because during this election cycle it’s easy to look good compared to the politicians, media and uninformed voters.

Dr. D.A. Henderson, who helped the world eliminate smallpox has died at age 87. His one regret on his deathbed was that he should have let someone else worry about smallpox and done more work on geriatrics.

Members of the Senate are calling for Mylan, the makers of the EpiPen to give a briefing on their 500% price hike. Not only that, they gave Mylan CEO Heather Bresch a note to take home and have signed by her dad Senator Joe Manchin.

Members of the Senate are calling for Mylan, the makers of the EpiPen to give a briefing on their 500% price hike. To which Mylan says they will do that when the Senate gives them a briefing on why our country is $19 Trillion in debt.

A report says tattoo ink could be harmful even years later. Which makes sense. After all, how many tattoos have you ever seen on the old folks living in a retirement home?

The men working at a bra company in Belgium are being forced to wear weights simulating size E cup breasts around their neck so they know how women feel. The strange part is that after three months the men said they wanted the weights increased so they could be size double F.

The men working at a bra company in Belgium are being forced to wear weights simulating size E cup breasts around their neck so they know how women feel. The interesting part is that within a few weeks all the men wearing simulated large breasts were given promotions and a big raise.

A study says girls who are given realistic baby simulators to take care of are more likely to get pregnant. No one had any idea that it would result in all the 15 year old boys becoming attracted to the idea of going out with a 17 year old MILF.

A study says even a little exercise can help in staving off dementia. Especially for the people who when they go for more than just a walk around the block results in organizing a search party.

A survey says 1 in 4 U.S. adults sought help last year for neck and back pain. The other 3 know that the pain in their necks and backsides were just a result of dealing with their teenage kids.

A report says Obamacare saved Medicare $466 Million last year. Which was exactly the same amount of money spent by congressional Republicans in calling for 50 different votes to overturn Obamacare.

Ryan Lochte has been named as one of the contestants on “Dancing With The Stars.” The tricky part will be performing a Tango while wearing handcuffs and leg shackles.

Ryan Lochte has been named as one of the contestants on “Dancing With The Stars.” The hard part will be finding a partner who feels comfortable being able to work with him doing routines in synchronized swimming.

Natalie Portman says she loves living in L.A. after spending a few years in Paris because “everyone smiles a lot.” Apparently she doesn’t realize it is only the result of all the people just coming back from the Botox clinic.

Natalie Portman says she loves living in L.A. after spending a few years in Paris because “everyone smiles a lot.” Which is mostly because it is hard to wear a smile when no one around you has seen the inside of a bathtub in the past three weeks.

Kylie Jenner is denying she has had breast implant surgery. Apparently unlike the rest of her family she is drawing the line at plastic surgery on her lips, nose and backside.

Kylie Jenner is denying she has had breast implant surgery. Apparently she was already to do the procedure but decided she would be a better daughter if she instead gave her appointment time to her dad Caitlyn Jenner.

Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood won a copyright lawsuit over their song “Remind Me.” Apparently the lawsuit wasn’t specific enough, just a claim by Marvin Gaye’s family that it sounded like something he recorded once.

San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick sat through the national anthem at a preseason game as a protest of the treatment of minorities. Unlike Johnny Manziel who sits through the anthem because on Sunday it’s hard to stand up after being out all Saturday night.

A Canadian liquor store was robbed by a man wearing a goalie uniform and hockey stick. If caught and convicted, the robber could be sent to the penalty box for a ten minute major misconduct.

A Canadian liquor store was robbed by a man wearing a goalie uniform and hockey stick. Since he didn’t use a gun in the robbery the Canadian prosecutors will probably allow him to skate.

A new app allows people to diagnose car problems with their smartphone. Which is ironic when the car won’t start after crashing into a tree because the driver was using their smartphone to text while behind the wheel.

Google executives say they don’t know how their self-driving cars will make life and death decisions in situations where an accident is unavoidable. Although it will probably have to do with the car deciding which outcome will have less legal liability for Google.

Six scientists have wrapped up a year long near isolation Mars-like simulation in Hawaii. Or as research scientists call that, a trip to Hawaii.

Apple has seen its iPhone sales drop in Brazil. Mostly because the Brazilian equivalent of Pokemon Go where people use their iPhones to snap pictures of Ryan Lochte vandalizing gas station bathrooms pretty much ended after the Olympics.

A report says Donald Trump has spent $8.4 Million on digital consulting in July. Which is a lot of money to pay to just have someone tell him to keep playing to his base by sending out more angry, racist tweets.

A report says Donald Trump has spent $8.4 Million on digital consulting in July. Which judging by his tweets shows that Trump’s idea of being consulted digitally is having someone telling him to keep showing his opponents his middle digit.

Maine Governor Paul LePage says drug dealers are “the enemy” who are “people of color.” The good news is that it is easy to spot them as it’s hard to hide among all the other residents of Maine whose skin tones range from white to pale to ashen.

Former Major League pitcher Bill “Spaceman” Lee is running for Governor of Vermont. Which is a good thing for Hillary Clinton because if Lee was around during the presidential primaries he would have been the one person who could have actually made Bernie Sanders appear more mainstream.

Joe Biden has announced a $2.4 Billion upgrade for Amtrak. Mostly since Biden is in his last few months as Vice President and wants to fix the trains up since after January he will be stuck riding them again.

Joe Biden has announced a $2.4 Billion upgrade for Amtrak which will include engines that travel up to 160 MPH. The improvements will mean Amtrak passengers  will be able to go twice as far in the same amount of time before the train goes flying off the tracks.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the presidential race is really heating up these days. You can just feel the fever pitch among voters has made it all the way up to lukewarm. If it gets any hotter it could boil over to room temperature. Several states have outlawed taking a cellphone into the voting booth just so people will have a free hand to hold their nose while pulling the lever. Of course, anyone under 40 will read that last line and say “What does he mean ‘pulling the lever’?” Sorry, not every state has made it to the high tech world of electronic ballots. You’ll just have to adjust that joke to your own state’s voting procedures. Just remember you don’t need to wait until election day to vote. You can send your own powerful message every day when you take the time to keep on sending the love!


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