Friday, August 26, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Swimmer Katie Ledecky turned down $5 Million in endorsements to attend Stanford. She figures going to school now on a free scholarship without the millions would still put her ahead if she went later and had to pay for it with tuition loans.

New York City’s Bryant Park is tracking visitors for their behavior. Especially the perverts who like to come to the park to relax and get some fresh air between times where they expose themselves to women on the subways.

New York City’s Bryant Park is tracking visitors for their behavior. Mostly the minor league criminals who go there to practice in hopes they will someday be called up to work in Central Park.

Doctors are telling fans that acoustics in the new Vikings stadium in Minneapolis could cause hearing loss. The good news is that the noise level has been kept down as Vikings fans haven’t had anything to cheer about since 1998.

Ryan Lochte will reportedly be summoned to testify in Brazil over his claims of being robbed. Just like I am going to drive to Cleveland to finally take care of that parking ticket I got back in 2003.

Ryan Lochte will reportedly be summoned to testify in Brazil over his claims of being robbed. Not only that, but he is also wanted for questioning in New York as part of the investigation as to who stole Matt Lauer’s interview socks.

A man in New York who stole beer from a liquor store while dressed as Batman with a Captain America mask will not be charged. At least he could have justified it if he wore a Lone Ranger outfit and tried to steal some Coors Light Silver Bullets.

Robots have been trained by researchers to react to movie trailers. Don’t we already have that? The scientists have apparently never seen “Mystery Science Theater 3000.”

 Robots have been trained by researchers to react to movie trailers. Which came as no surprise that the robots walked out the minute they started screening the latest Adam Sandler film.

Domino’s has been approved to try drone delivery in New Zealand. The pizzas will come with two free toppings and no extra charge for the pigeon poop.

A report says more teens are opting out of social media. The scary part is when they do it because they can see Pikachu and Charizard without using a cellphone.

A report says more teens are opting out of social media. The best part is for parents who can watch their 16 year old put down their cellphones and experience going outside and seeing a tree for the first time.

The nephew of Colonel Sanders may have inadvertently exposed the KFC secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices. Which isn’t really that big of a deal since you could dip chicken in Elmer’s glue and people would eat it as long as it is fried.

The University of Chicago is telling freshmen not to expect any safe spaces that offer protection from discomfort on campus. After all, why should the university be any different than if they were going anywhere else in Chicago?

Uber is reporting losses of at least $1.2 Billion for the first half of 2016. Mostly because people are finding out they would rather walk than take a ride using Uber and have to listen to another unemployed graduate student driving a Prius.

The impeachment trial of Brazil’s President Dilma Rousseff is ready to get underway. Things aren’t looking good as the best character witness on her behalf that her defense team was able to get so far is Ryan Lochte.

A south Florida couple has lost a lawsuit trying to overturn their town’s ban against growing vegetable gardens in the front yard. Apparently city leaders feel that rows of squash are not a desirable alternative to the traditional front yard decorations of plastic pink flamingos.

Pharmaceutical company Mylan says it will help people pay for its EpiPen allergy medication device. Apparently their plan is after raising the price by more than 500% they will give all their customers a special 10% discount coupon.

Pharmaceutical company Mylan says it will help people pay for its EpiPen allergy medication device. Which is good news, especially for people who have severe allergic reactions to being suckered by corporate scam artists.

Ryan Lochte has landed an endorsement contract with Pine Brothers cough drops. The company has gotten all kinds of business from people pretending to need a lozenge when they walk past Lochte and say (cough cough) “Douchebag!” (cough cough)

A report says global trading is at its slowest pace in seven years. Mostly from the economy being so bad that Americans just don’t have enough money to waste on the cheap foreign made crap they buy every day at Wal-Mart.

Ariana Grande is being sued for plagiarism over her single “One Last Time.” Not only that, but people buying her music are also suing because they swear it’s the same person singing when they listen to her, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry and Britney Spears.

Uber is testing a $2 flat fee for riding in an Uber pool where several people going the same direction get in one car. Apparently they got the idea after watching people climb out of the trunk of a Chevy after making it across the U.S. Mexico border.

Dr. Drew Pinsky has been canceled by Headline News, saying he they appreciate him being the “authoritative voice on addiction.” The only problem is that he couldn’t ever get anyone hooked on tuning in to watch Headline News.

A report says Dollar General and Dollar Tree showed recent weak sales growth. Mostly because it’s just hard to find any Americans in this economy who still have a dollar.

The Secret Service says it has found $6 Million in counterfeit cash in the Bay Area. Which finally explains how anyone is able to afford a 20% down payment on any home currently listed in San Francisco.

Ex-pharma CEO Martin Shkreli who raised the price of an AIDS drug by 5400% is defending the EpiPen price hike by Mylan. Well, that ought to get public sentiment over to their side.

Mylan is pushing for health insurance reform, saying people are having to pay higher premiums and full price for medicine. Not to mention the CEOs of the pharmaceutical companies needing to come up with a monthly mortgage payment for three different vacation homes.

Mylan CEO Heather Bresch after raising the price of EpiPens by 500% says that patients deserve increased price transparency. To which their customers are saying that is not an issue because they can see right through them on this one.

Ford is recalling 91,000 cars for fuel pump issues that cause their vehicles to stall. Which is good news for Ford owners who can now get that problem fixed to see why they won’t start all those other times.

The WHO says no one caught the Zika virus at the Olympics. Mostly because even the mosquitoes were afraid to go near that diving pool water.

A study says that pharmaceuticals are polluting streams in many urban areas. To which Mylan is now saying that should allow them to start charging a surtax on the local water bills.

A study says that paying people cash may get people to quit smoking. The only issue is that when people stop smoking, they don’t need the money now that they aren’t paying for cigarettes, doctor’s visits or a down payment on their cemetery plot.  

A study says that pharmacies charge their customers less money for cigarettes and more for bottled water than other stores. Mostly because they see the incentive to promote return business for the medications they sell to people who smoke and drink soda and alcohol.

A survey says that hair transplants make men look younger and more attractive. Although it’s hard to argue with the power of a bad combover seeing how far it has gotten Donald Trump.

Former WWE wrestler Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson tops Forbes’ list of the world’s highest paid actors. Well, that ought to take away any questions or doubt as wrestling being a legitimate sport.

Former WWE wrestler Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson tops Forbes’ list of the world’s highest paid actors. Not only is he an actor, he does all his own stunts as long as it involves jumping off a taught rope or being hit with a folding chair.

John Gosselin says he is shocked at being slammed by his two oldest daughters. On the other hand he was pleasantly surprised they even remembered who he is.

Bruce Springsteen played what is said to be his longest U.S. concert ever in New Jersey at nearly four hours. Not to say he is getting a little old, but the reason it took so long was for an intermission nap, timeouts for a few cans of Boost and several breaks to pee.

Bruce Springsteen played what is said to be his longest U.S. concert ever in New Jersey at nearly four hours. Not to say he is getting older, but it is good to see him wander through the crowds now that his venues include handicap stage ramps.

Bruce Springsteen played what is said to be his longest U.S. concert ever in New Jersey at nearly four hours. Not to say he is getting a bit older, but his encore song has been changed a bit to “Born To Shuffle Along With A Slight Limp.”

Larry King was reportedly blindsided by his wife’s alleged affair. Apparently she wanted a little more action and took up with someone whose age is still in double digits.

Larry King was reportedly blindsided by his wife’s alleged affair. Which is literally true as they were carrying on right in front of him but he couldn’t see them because they were on his blind side.

The Canadian Football League says it would welcome Johnny Manziel “with conditions.” Although that was tried by the NFL but didn’t work because the conditions included staying sober, showing up and not having to be bailed out every other weekend.

The Canadian Football League says it would welcome Johnny Manziel “with conditions.” The good news is that only a few CFL games are played on Sunday so that will take away the nuisance of trying to call signals while nursing a wicked hangover.

A new refrigerator boasts a glass front so people can see what is inside without opening the door. Which is totally useless for bachelors who know exactly what is inside. Half of a six pack of beer, an expired milk carton and one of those lime shaped juice containers.

The U.S. is telling the European Union to stop cracking down on U.S. companies for tax avoidance. The U.S. government apparently feels it would be unfair after all these years to finally make U.S. corporations start paying taxes.

John McCain’s primary opponent is campaigning against him saying he is too old and may die in office. Which is ironic in that the biggest fear in the presidential election is that whomever wins will manage to live long enough to run for a second term.

Donald Trump says the first thing he will do as President will be deport criminal illegal aliens. Actually it will be the second thing he does, after going through the records of the crew he hires to hang the large neon “Trump” sign over the White House.

Donald Trump says the first thing he will do as President will be deport criminal illegal aliens. He will catch them by repeatedly putting ads in for a new White House gardening crew to take the place of all the other ones who just keep vanishing.

Montel Williams blasted Donald Trump saying “A racist is as a racist does.” Apparently he got confused and mixed up the idea of “dump Trump” with Forrest Gump.

One of the women named to Donald Trump’s team of economic advisers says she has never spoken to him. And the best way to stay on as one of Trump’s advisers is to keep it that way.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A sad personal note today. You won’t know this name, but one of the local radio greats in the Charleston, WV market Billy Shahan passed away from cancer yesterday at age 55. He was a personal friend and just a good person who worked hard and made a long career in a tough business. Just some sad news for me and the other who knew and listened to him. Say a prayer for Billy and keep him in your thoughts when you take the time to keep sending the love.


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