Thursday, August 25, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says nearly half of Americans don’t believe in God or miracles. But that could change when Snoop Dogg declares his last minute candidacy and is elected President.

Protests are mounting over a Shakespearean play that will be performed in a New York park with nude actors. Although supporters of the event say it is Much Ado About Nothing.

Protests are mounting over a Shakespearean play that will be performed in a New York park with nude actors. The idea came about as an expression of freedom, a chance to try something different and a way to save a fortune on costuming.

Protests are mounting over a Shakespearean play that will be performed in a New York park with nude actors. It’s a brand new concept, instead of theater in the round they are trying theater in the buff.

A study says that social isolation is as bad for people as smoking. Especially when they are isolated socially because they keep lighting up every ten minutes.

San Francisco has been named the world’s most expensive city, requiring an income of $160,000 to qualify to buy a house. Although that depends on whether the person wants to buy a two door Amana refrigerator box to live in or a single door Kenmore.

San Francisco has been named the world’s most expensive city, requiring an income of $160,000 to qualify to buy a house. In Pittsburgh, it only takes a yearly income of $32,000. The only problem is finding a job in Pittsburgh that pays more than $23,000 a year.

A report says Facebook is admitting to 98 facts and secrets they know about all their users. Which in most cases means knowing what they ate for breakfast every day for the past three months.

Astronaut Jeff Williams has set a record for the most days in space at 521. He has beaten the previous record that was held by Dennis Rodman.

A study says people are more likely to divorce once they start watching Internet porn. Especially people who are reminded what it is they have been missing ever since they tied the knot.

Now that the Rio Olympics are over, Brazil is asking itself what to do about the fate of its disgraced president Dilma Rousseff. The good news for supporters is that many are becoming more lenient after the Olympics, saying at least she isn’t Ryan Lochte.

A report says some elementary school students are being given up to three times the recommended levels of homework every night. Which can be understood when the students complain that is nearly double what they should have.

AAA is warning drivers not to trust automatic braking systems to avoid crashes. Although if we could trust manual systems and the ability of human drivers, no one would have bothered to invent an automatic system in the first place.

AAA is warning drivers not to trust automatic braking systems to avoid crashes. What’s bad is that the message was sent out as a text so people who are currently behind the wheel would be sure to see it.

Former pharmaceutical CEO Martin Shkreli who raised the price of an AIDS drug more than 5,000% says medications should be expensive because they are valuable. On that note, he is currently trying to come up with a way to charge people for the oxygen they breathe each day.

Former pharmaceutical CEO Martin Shkreli who raised the price of an AIDS drug more than 5,000% says medications should be expensive because they are valuable. Which is why people shouldn’t be surprised at their utility company next month when they see their water bill increased by 7,000%.

A survey shows that most women leave the engineering field because of rampant sexism. The rest make the decision when they realize they will have to spend every lunch hour for the next 30 years listening to which country each of them was able to receive the night before on their Ham radio.

The Port Authority says a record 60 Million travelers used New York’s three main airports the first half of 2016. Although that may have been skewed as 10 Million of them were there trying to complete their flights on United that originated in 2014.

The Department of Agriculture is set to buy 11 Million pounds of surplus cheese to give to pantries and food banks. The move will help dairy farmers by raising prices. It will also benefit doctors who will see more patients because of the increase in their waist size and cholesterol levels.

A report says California could become a pot epicenter with a potential $6.5 Billion market by 2020 if a ballot proposition passes in November. The only problem is getting the people most likely to vote for it to the polls sometime before December.

A report says California could become a pot epicenter with a potential $6.5 Billion market by 2020 if a ballot proposition passes in November. The only problem is that once everyone starts getting high legally, the rest of the yearly economic output will drop to $23.85.

A poll says fewer U.S. workers report making less money than before. The only problem is figuring out if the way that is worded makes it a good thing or bad.

Bankrupt renewable energy company SunEdison has won a court’s approval to award its executives their bonus money. Although that must be a tough argument to say the executives deserve a big reward for taking a company right down the toilet.

Ford has recalled 113,000 cars for fuel pump issues. It is the biggest fuel pump issue that has affected vehicles since their owners couldn’t drive them when oil company executives jacked the price at the fuel pump to more than $4 a gallon.

A report says iPhone 6 customers are being plagued with touchscreen problems. Mostly from constantly hitting their screen when their phone is unable to capture Pikachu.

A report says following a year filled with recalls, Americans are more satisfied with their cars. And they should be since anyone buying a GM vehicle after 2014 no longer has a used car since virtually every part has been replaced with a new one.

The maker of the EpiPen has reportedly increased the price of several other medications. Apparently they made the move so people buying EpiPens won’t feel so bad after seeing everyone else has to pay 500% more for their pharmacy bill.

A study says older adults are less stressed and happier than younger people. Mostly because they know when the younger generation reaches retirement age, they will still be looking at another 20 years of paying off their college tuition loans.

A study says the mental toll from a bad job can last decades. Which is why when you watch the Fox News Channel you can see how working for Roger Ailes turns today’s Megyn Kelly into tomorrow’s Bill O’Reilly.

Kourtney Kardashian says a reconciliation with her ex Scott Disik would be “so much work.” To which everyone else in the Kardashian family was asking “What is work?”

North Korea has launched its own version of Netflix called “Manbang.” Which apparently takes its name from the haircut worn by Kim Jong-un.

North Korea has launched its own free version of Netflix called “Manbang.” The reason being the $7 fee for Netflix pretty much equals the average North Korean’s yearly income.

North Korea has launched its own version of Netflix called “Manbang.” There isn’t quite the variety of the other streaming services. For instance, it offers three channels and an endless looping of Adam Sandler’s “Little Nicky.”

The movie “Southside With You” opens this week, about the first date of Barack and Michelle Obama. It takes place in Chicago, which is different than a similarly proposed documentary from Fox News which would be shot on location in Kenya.

Ryan Lochte’s Playboy model girlfriend says she is supporting him in the wake of his Olympic scandal. She says she will stand by him, just not when he goes to use a gas station bathroom.

Britney Spears says she almost drowned on a recent trip to Hawaii. Apparently she was caught in a rip tide and couldn’t yell for help without Auto-Tune.

Renee Zellwegger says there are “no negatives” when it comes to aging. At least for any actresses over 40 who don’t mind staying in Hollywood and living a life of complete social and professional isolation.

Goalkeeper Hope Solo has been suspended for six months by U.S. Soccer for her comments following a loss to Sweden. Although the experience taught her a valuable lesson. You can only say anything you want as long as your team is winning.

A U.S. Ski Team physician has opened a clinic to protect athletes’ brains. Apparently he was inspired to make the move after he realized it was just too late to help Bode Miller.

Albert Pujols has passed Mark McGwire for 10th place on the all-time home run list. That means with 584 home runs, he is only 178 homers, 325 hypodermic needles and seven hat sized behind all time champ Barry Bonds.

A report says Ryan Lochte is a candidate to be on “Dancing With The Stars.” The only problem is that producers worried when any judges vote against him he will claim he was robbed.

Rob Gronkowski is calling out the Dallas Cowboys for stealing the New England Patriots’ motto of “Do your job.” Which is not to be confused with the Patriots’ team slogan of “Don’t get caught.”

Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal have signed up for the first Laver Cup, billed as the tennis equivalent of the Ryder Cup. Although so far the first couple of entries makes it sound more like tennis’ version of the Senior Tour.

The Chicago White Sox stadium will now be known as Guaranteed Rate Field. Which sounds more like a policy meant to do away with ticket agencies and scalpers.

The Chicago White Sox stadium will now be known as Guaranteed Rate Field. Which is not to be confused with the Oakland A’s sewage challenged ballpark which is known around the league as Third Rate Field.

An Illinois man claims that bottles and cans naturally just stick to his head. He is planning to capitalize on it by moving to Michigan where at least the deposit he can collect on any containers stuck to his head will be ten cents instead of the usual five.

A Japanese driver killed a woman while he was playing Pokemon Go behind the wheel. His defense is that he wasn’t wearing his glasses and thought she was Charizard.

Switzerland has enlisted robots to help deliver the mail. The only problem is that when they go up to the mailbox they are constantly being chased down the street by a Roomba.

The Indian government is investigating a leak of 22,000 pages of documents about their high tech submarine fleet. Mostly because when it comes to information about submarines, the last word you want to hear is “leak.”

The Indian government is investigating a leak of 22,000 pages of documents about their high tech submarine fleet. The worst part is that most of the documents were found on Hillary Clinton’s private e-mail server.

Scientists in Canada are doing experiments about the effects of marijuana on rodents. Which finally explains where that New York City pizza rat came from.

Microsoft says 60% of U.S. teens have secret online accounts. Which their parents will never find out about because they are too concerned about making sure no one discovers their membership on Ashley Madison.

A survey says that kids would rather watch Youtube than eat at McDonald’s. The only question is figuring out which one is worse for their health.

A survey says that kids would rather watch Youtube than eat at McDonald’s. Mostly because the preferred foods while watching Youtube are Doritos, Oreos and pizza.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you enjoy the jokes. If not, you just came a long ways to get to this part which isn’t even funny. My jokes may not be all that funny, but at least they keep you busy for a while. The motto here is quantity over quality, just because it is so much easier that way. For me, the quality arrives when you all remember to keep on sending the love!


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