Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A psychologist in a new book says that 4:00 AM is the most productive hour. Especially for men who find themselves having to think quickly on their feet to try to come up with an explanation as to why they are sneaking back into the bedroom at that hour of the day.

A report says one third of the U.S. will only have one Obamacare insurer in 2017. Which is fine with President Obama who says he got the system this far and after January 20th it will be the problem of the next person moving into the White House.

A report says one third of the U.S. will only have one Obamacare insurer in 2017. Which is fine with the people enrolled in the program who find with just one choice it now only takes eight hours to navigate through the Obamacare website.

A Utah man being held in Venezuela on weapons charges wrote a letter to his family describing what he calls the “horrible conditions” of the jail he is being held at. He should be glad he was busted in South America on weapons charges and nothing serious like vandalizing a gas station bathroom door.

The European Union chief says borders are the “worst inventions” ever made by politicians. To which he corrected himself, saying except for all the countries that are right next to France.

A Polish Olympian is trying to auction off their silver medal in order to help a sick child. Which is at least more charitable than Ryan Lochte coming back to the states and selling one of his medals to pay for bail and a new gas station bathroom door.

Some Filipinos want divorce legalized in the Philippines, the only country besides the Vatican where it is still illegal. Mostly because they are worried that if Donald Trump is elected it could mean he would wage war against them on humanitarian grounds.

Tesla says a new battery system allows their cars to accelerate to a world’s record for production cars of zero to 60 in 2.5 seconds. The auto pilot mode may crash it into a truck while it is already on fire, but at least the driver will know they died making good time.

The company that makes the EpiPen allergy reaction device raised the price by 461% at the same time they gave their CEO a raise of 671%. So while the device saves lives of those allergic to bee venom, as usual it is the customer who gets stung.

Government data says U.S. worker output is the lowest since the 1970s. Mostly because thanks to technology most employees on the clock are posting on Facebook, watching Internet porn or playing Pokemon Go.

Government data says U.S. worker output is the lowest since the 1970s. Which is easy to understand as employees are tired from having to find the time to work at the five other jobs they have to make ends meet.

Government data says U.S. worker output is the lowest since the 1970s. As opposed to the same data on government jobs where workers are still trying to finish up the projects  they started in the 1970s.

Cheaper gasoline prices are being blamed on the recent increase in traffic deaths. Mostly because people now have enough money left over after filling the tank to buy the cellphone they are using to text when they crash into a tree.

The second to last Howard Johnson’s restaurant has closed leaving just one location in Lake George, New York. Which is no big deal since the 70-85 year olds who still go to Howard Johnson’s have no problem finding the time to drive there.

Kibbles ‘n Bits dog food is seeing a drop in sales as pet owners are more inclined to buy premium brands. The sad part is that while they won’t feed their dogs Kibbles ‘n Bits, it still has more nutrition than the stuff they let their kids snack on all day.

The National Labor Relations Board says that students working at private colleges can unionize. Which is only fair that they can demand a living wage from the place they will be in debt to with their undergraduate loans for the next 40 years.

The National Labor Relations Board says that students working at private colleges can unionize. That’s good news for workers who want a pay raise, health benefits and demand at least a three hour break every day to play Pokemon Go.

A report says 70 children got sin rashes from the Happy Meal fitness tracker. Which means they were still in better shape than the kids who actually ate the food that came with it.

A report says some companies are rethinking the benefits of giving every employee an annual raise. To which most workers hearing the news were saying “What raise?”

A report says new U.S. home sales are at a nine year high. Mostly because the seven year credit moratorium has finally passed from all the people who went bankrupt after going into foreclosure on the last new home they bought in 2007.

A report says Labor Day could be the deadliest on the highways since 2009. Mostly because the roads will be packed with people who are finally able to celebrate having a job for the first time after being laid off in 2008.

A group of doctors says the U.S. could contain the high cost of drugs by limiting market exclusivity for brand names and changing requirements on health care plans. Or even easier, by just canceling their top executives’ yearly bonuses.

A study links antibiotics with diabetes. Especially the people whose doctors just prescribe their patients placebos who think they are taking antibiotics but are actually gobbling down several bottles of sugar pills every day.

A study says having slimmer friends can help people lose weight. The only problem is finding a group of thin, beautiful people who want to hang out with a fattie.

A study says twins have a longer life expectancy than others. Mostly because they know the only way to keep from going through life with everyone insisting they wear exactly the same outfit every day as their twin is to outlive them.

The American heart Association has made its first guidelines ever for sugar consumption for children, saying they should be eating less than six teaspoons worth a day. To which kids are saying, then what about after breakfast?

A report says Ramen is becoming the top currency inside prisons because the food is bad. And what better to offset a bad prison meal than sitting in your cell and enjoying a plate of authentic bok choy stew whipped up fresh in the toilet?

A study says heavy lifting by young workers is linked to lower back pain in midlife. The worst part is that the only heavy lifting most young people do anymore is the carload of snacks they buy to sit with on the couch all day playing video games.

A study says a 61 year old bagpipes player died of pneumonia from a fungus that was growing inside his instrument. Although doctors say the pneumonia also might have come from playing outside in the cold with nothing on under his kilt.

A 10 year old boy in Fresno, California can recite the entire U.S. Constitution from memory. As opposed to everyone else in Fresno who has no idea there is anything in the Constitution other than the Second Amendment.

A study says job dissatisfaction in a person’s 20s and 30s can impact their health later in life. Along with the fact they are making minimum wage, still living in their parents’ basement and aren’t even close to paying off their college tuition.

A study says job dissatisfaction in a person’s 20s and 30s can impact their health later in life. Especially knowing that they will still be doing that same job without any chance of retirement until they are in their mid 90s.

Raiders tight end Colton Underwood reportedly asked out Olympic gold medal winning gymnast Aly Raisman. Which means that it will be the first time that there will be a date featuring two tight ends.

Syracuse basketball coach Jim Boeheim says Carmelo Anthony is “unlikely” to ever win an NBA Championship. Although playing at Syracuse means Anthony always had a much better chance of wearing an NBA Championship ring than graduating.

Justin Rose says his Olympic gold medal in golf is unique to his other golf achievements. Especially since it was the only venue in golf history where the real water hazard was drinking what was coming out of the tap.

A report says that proponents are trying to get video games considered as an international sport that would make it eligible for the Olympics. It would be the only sport where contestants would never leave the Olympic Village with the official venue being the rec room couch.

A report says that proponents are trying to get video games considered as an international sport that would make it eligible for the Olympics. It would be the only event where instead of Gatorade, contestants will be hydrating with Mountain Dew.

A report says cheating site Ashley Madison used deceptive practices to make users think the site was secure. Especially for the users who knew being ripped off by a hacker would cost a lot less than having their personal account information cracked by their wife’s divorce attorney.

A report says cheating site Ashley Madison used deceptive practices to make users think the site was secure. Account holders were shocked. Imagine the nerve of a site promoting extramarital affairs not being completely honest with its married customers looking to hook up on the side.

A survey says 19% of shoppers say they would abandon a retailer if they found out it was hacked. The other 81% say the only thing they feel safe putting their money into online is helping out the incarcerated friends of Nigerian princes.

Several former workers at HP have filed suit against the company for age discrimination. The tech company says that isn’t true, that some of their Silicon Valley employees were not let go until they were way past the industry maximum age of 28.

NASA has reportedly found a spacecraft that had been lost for two years. Engineers are now working to get the craft working again to the point of where it can complete its original mission of crashing directly after takeoff.

NASA has reportedly found a spacecraft that had been lost for two years. It would have been found earlier but officials decided since the craft is orbiting the Sun they would only conduct their searches at night.

MIT researchers say they have found a way to triple the speed of Wi-Fi connections. The first thing is to make sure to disconnect any routers sending out a signal from AOL.

A California town is paying people to not commit crimes. Which used to be called the crime of extortion.

A California town is paying people to not commit crimes. That’s not a first. Oakland has been paying an NFL team for years to not hit or tackle anyone.

Hillary Clinton has moved ahead of Donald Trump in the latest poll in Florida. Trump is so unpopular there that even Katherine Harris is declining to come out of retirement to steal the election for him.

Hillary Clinton is 68 and Donald Trump 70, yet neither are sharing much information about their personal health. Which is just as well. If we wanted to hear seniors talk about their health issues for hours on end we could just go out to lunch with our grandparents.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the entertainment world as jazz harmonica player Toots Thielemans has died at age 94. Which when it comes to music, no two terms even by themselves turn more people off than “jazz” and “harmonica.” Yet he was able to become a huge star who was familiar to nearly all of us just for his famous rendition of the theme song of “Sesame Street.” He also did the great solo instrumental of the theme from “Midnight Cowboy.” You may never have heard his name but you have heard him play. Check it out on Youtube and give it a listen. But before you do, make sure to take the usual amount of time to remember to keep sending the love!


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