Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Ryan Lochte was dropped by Speedo as a sponsor. Which only means the next time we see him swim he will just jump into the pool naked.

Ryan Lochte was dropped by Speedo as a sponsor. Which is ironic in that if he were just wearing a pair during the vandalism incident, those security guards would probably not have gotten within fifty feet of him.

Ryan Lochte has lost Ralph Lauren as a sponsor. They dropped him so hard that not only will he not be seen wearing their Polo brand, he won’t even be able to get into the pool to say “Marco!”

A poll says 52% of Republicans call voter fraud a major problem in 2016. The other 48% are wondering who would possibly try to rig the election for either of the candidates to win.

Hundreds of California schoolchildren are being sent home because of the state’s new vaccination law. Which is ironic in that a policy for improving kids’ health is going to mean for the next few days they will have nothing to do but sit on the couch with a bag of Doritos and their video console.

A group of scientists says that women are genetically programmed to have affairs. Especially the ones the scientists marry who have to listen to their husbands talk all day about their latest research findings.

A new technique that is more powerful than X-Rays can make the entire body completely transparent. Which means it will be used by doctors to locate fractures, dentists to find cavities and the TSA for on the job entertainment.

North Korea has threatened to turn the U.S. into a “heap of ashes.” To which the people living near the wildfires in California and Washington  are saying “too late.”

North Korea has threatened to turn the U.S. into a “heap of ashes.” To which Al Gore is saying they’re just stealing his ideas from “An Inconvenient Truth.”

A study says worker hours have become more unpredictable than ever. The only thing that is predicable is that no matter how many hours people in the U.S. work, they are all paid with the same minimum wage.

A study says worker hours have become more unpredictable than ever. Which is better than back in 2007 when all workers had a very predicable number of hours each week which was right around zero.

A report says a New Mexico nuclear accident two years ago that cost $2 Billion to clean up was among the costliest in U.S. history. Although anyone who thinks that $2 Billion in damage from nuclear materials is expensive hasn’t considered what will happen the day Donald Trump is put in charge of the button.

A report says Bill Gates’ personal fortune is now more than $90 Billion. Which means he finally has enough money saved up where he can feel comfortable spending more than the $8 he pays to have his hair styled at Supercuts.

A spokeswoman for an Illinois prison where workers were assaulted by inmates says rules were ignored. Which shouldn’t be a surprise because that is pretty much the reason we have prisons in the first place.

A spokeswoman for an Illinois prison where workers were assaulted by inmates says rules were ignored. Which means some of those prisoners may be looking at having to do some serious time out.

A Canadian girl called 911 because her parents “forced” her to go on vacation with them to a cottage. Which could have been solved if only her parents had allowed the remote site become an official stop for Pokemon Go.

A study says that divorces peak in March and August following winter and summer family vacation time.  Which has already been picked up by Disney World which now offer their resort guests a special “breakfast with the characters and divorce lawyers.”

Donald Trump’s new campaign manager Kellyanne Conway says that Hillary Clinton made a “grievous error” when she blew her chance to put away Trump in the past two weeks. How can someone deal with ISIS when they can’t even finish off an opponent with the 300 opportunities he has given her?

Nicolas Sarkozy says he will seek the French presidency again in 2017. Apparently he feels that if nothing else his marriage problems, scandals and nepotism could get him back into public office on the coattails of Donald Trump.

A study says 23% of Americans feel that cash and savings accounts are the best options for long term savings. The other 77% are saying what are cash and savings accounts?

A study says 23% of Americans feel that cash and savings accounts are the best options for long term savings. Which at today’s bank interest rates is true, as long as the long term savings plan is for at least 500 years.

An official with the Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy is close to its jobs and inflation targets. Which is good for one and bad for the other that both targets are right around zero.

An official with the Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy is close to its jobs and inflation targets. The good news is that inflation hasn’t been a problem since the last playoff game featuring Tom Brady.

Kobe Bryant has started a $100 Million capital venture firm. Apparently he came up with the cash by pawning off all the forgiveness jewelry he has had to buy his wife over the past 13 years.

A report says the Olympic medals in Tokyo may be made from recycled smartphones. Which may turn out to be a distraction when the winners are not paying attention on the podium because their medal has just detected a nearby Pokemon.

A report says the Olympic medals in Tokyo may be made from recycled smartphones. Except the swimming medals, which could be made from vandalized gas station bathroom doors.

A study says Republicans tend to admire sports stars while Democrats are more likely to admire TV personalities. Which is no surprise, especially when the former host of “The Apprentice” is making winning the November election so easy for them.

KFC has announced its own brand of sunscreen called “Extra Crispy.” It comes with eleven herbs and spices and is to be used in a tanning booth set to 350 degrees for 45 minutes.

KFC has announced its own brand of sunscreen called “Extra Crispy.” It gives your skin the same texture as what eating a bucket of their fried chicken does to your arteries.

A study says that people are less optimistic than previously thought. Especially when they found out they weren’t being paid to take the survey.

A study says that people are less optimistic than previously thought. Mostly after they political conventions ended and they realized that the next President is either going to be Clinton or Trump.

A study says that family members have a bigger influence on extending the life of seniors than friends. Except when the senior is wealthy and the family members find out they are listed in the will.

Scientists have developed edible food packaging to prevent waste. Which is following the lead of McDonald’s where years ago they came up with packaging that is actually is more nutritious than what is inside.

Scientists have developed edible food packaging to prevent waste. Although they would be doing most people’s health a favor by instead making some of the packaging impossible to open.

A study says that people don’t know as many words as they think. Like Donald Trump, whose entire vocabulary consists of “Amazing, huge, classy, moron and wall.”

A study says to help teens slim down, the focus should be put on health and not weight. Which wouldn’t be a problem in the first place if the focus was instead on ways to get them to put down their smartphones and video game consoles.

A study says more expensive homes tend to have a wider range of insects. The good news is that at the most wealthy homes the insects are at least done in by a Roach Motel that has a five star rating.

Tyra Banks is set to teach a class at Stanford next year on how she has been able to create and build her personal brand. Students will be told that first, you start out being born beautiful and thin…

A consumer watchdog group says the Kardashian family is making Instagram posts that don’t disclose they are being paid to advertise them. To which the family says anyone is completely out of touch who thinks the Kardashians do anything for free.

41 year old Leonardo DiCaprio and his 24 year old model girlfriend Nina Agdal were in a car crash where neither was hurt. Fortunately, DiCaprio was wearing his seat belt and she was strapped into her car seat.

Lindsay Lohan showed off her engagement ring at a recent appearance only she was wearing it on her right hand instead of her left. Sort of like the same confusion she has with which side of the road to be on when she is driving.

The strength coach for the University of Iowa is being paid nearly $600,000 a year. Apparently he claims he needs that much because he has the team members bench press boxes he fills with his cash.

Former NFL quarterback Todd Marinovich was caught naked and was booked for possession of pot in California. Which means only one thing. He’s getting into midseason form for an attempt at a comeback.

Former NFL quarterback Todd Marinovich was caught naked and was booked for possession of pot in California. He had a good excuse. Apparently he was going to Ryan Lochte’s house to use the bathroom.

Scientists say they can tell if a person is depressed by the picture filters they use on Instagram. That and because they have nothing else to do but put their selfies on Instagram all day.

A report says Apple is planning to release three iPhone models in 2017. Which is good news for people with Apple stock who know there are millions of customers who will cough up $2150 next year so they can make sure to have all three.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to take over as host of “Celebrity Apprentice.” Apparently the goal for the contestants is easy. Just don’t run your business into the ground like how Schwarzenegger ran California or how former host Donald Trump is running his presidential campaign.

A study says Ramen is replacing cigarettes as the most coveted prison currency. Which shows that even behind bars the Chinese have more bargaining power when it comes to trade agreements than the U.S.

Nintendo has sold its stake in the Seattle Mariners for $661 Million. Apparently they haven’t been as involved ever since they were originally hired to have Donkey Kong take care of the demolition of the Kingdome.

Nintendo has sold its stake in the Seattle Mariners for $661 Million. Not only that, part of the deal included getting Safeco Field to commit to becoming a permanent stop for Pokemon Go.

Delta Airlines is introducing Chip Tags that allow people to track their luggage. The good news is they can see precisely where their bags are at any time so they can send them a post card telling them how glad they will be to someday see them again.

A report says the Olympics generated 187 Million tweets and 1.5 Billion Facebook interactions. Of which all but seven came under the headings of “Ryan Lochte” and “douchebag.”

A report says the world’s largest pyramid is hidden by a mountain in Mexico. The good news is that it was discovered just recently when it showed up on a tourist’s cellphone as a stop for Pokemon Go.

The State Department is warning Americans that traveling to Iran could result in being arrested and detained. Or as most Americans already know that, going through the TSA security line.

The State Department is warning Americans that traveling to Iran could result in being arrested and detained. People were surprised by the warning. Who actually still thinks it might be a good idea to travel to Iran?


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the Olympics are over, now it’s just back to the other event featuring backflips, hurdles and cries of rigged officiating. The presidential election. Well, at least that makes this effort a lot more easy every day. But things are always a lot easier every time I see that you all have taken the time to remember to keep on sending the love!

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