Sunday, August 21, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Brazilian politicians have reportedly stayed clear of the Olympics because of the bad mood of the country over the money spent on the Games. Not only that, but why do they need to go out of their ways to watch other people who make a living out of constantly running?

Brazilian politicians have reportedly stayed clear of the Olympics because of the bad mood of the country over the money spent on the Games. Not to say the country put a lot of cash into the effort, but the swimmers dodging the sewage in Guanabara Bay weren’t the only ones  trying to keep their heads above water.

The world’s most expensive home located in France has an asking price of $1.1 Billion. Which is a lot of money but still only a half million more than the typical three bedroom fixer upper in Mark Zuckerberg’s neighborhood in Palo Alto.

Democrats are fearing that hackers who leaked documents were targeting their candidates in tight races in Florida. As opposed to the usual hurdles faced by Democrats in Florida with tampered voting machines, missing ballots and names picked from a hat by the Supreme Court.

AT&T, Apple, Google and other tech companies are working to stop robocalls, automated annoying calls by telemarketers. Which are only slightly more of a nuisance than sitting on the phone waiting for three hours when calling one of the tech companies for customer service.

A report says pregnant women in Miami are afraid to leave their homes because of the fear of the Zika virus. Which is different than how they are normally afraid to leave their homes because of fear of robbery, assault and drive-by shootings.

A map has been created which shows where men around the world have the largest sized manhood. Coming in third is Jamaica, which finally explains how Usain Bolt wins all those close finishing races.

The Paralympics scheduled in Rio are reportedly suffering from budget cuts and low ticket sales. Not only that, but people wishing to compete are also being charged an arm and a leg.

An orangutan in Australia has reportedly composed its own song using a phone app with the help of a zookeeper. Which might be good news as that is exactly the same way that Justin Bieber got his start.

A judge has ruled that an initiative to legalize marijuana will remain on the ballot in Arizona. Mostly because it’s too hard to tell who is high in the state anyways as most cars are driven around at 20 miles an hour with the turn signal constantly flashing.

A judge has ruled that an initiative to legalize marijuana will remain on the ballot in Arizona. Apparently the ruling was based on competition with nearby states, dating back to when Jojo left his home in Tucson, Arizona for some California grass.

A judge has ruled that an initiative to legalize marijuana will remain on the ballot in Arizona. Most people around the state don’t mind the idea of legalized pot just as long as it doesn’t require a prescription to get Mueslix.

A judge has ruled that an initiative to legalize marijuana will remain on the ballot in Arizona. The only concern for most people is having to deal with the construction of a new Domino’s Pizza location at every intersection in the state.

Donald Trump’s campaign manager Paul Manafort has resigned, saying allegations tying him to Russia have made him “become a distraction.” Which turned into a conflict as the entire campaign is based on Trump being the distraction.

A woman in England is selling her wedding dress on eBay to pay for her subsequent divorce. Interestingly enough, she has listed the dress under the heading of “baggage.”

RBS says it will start charging corporate customers for holding their cash. The companies are more than willing to do that otherwise they will be forced to do something stupid with their money, like giving it out to their employees.

Facebook is introducing a new app for teens to share photos and videos. Which would be a good idea if every teenager hadn’t already left Facebook for Snapchat, Instagram and Twitter three years ago.

Donald Trump’s campaign is reportedly considering starting a Trump TV station to attract voters. Don’t we already have a Trump TV? It’s called Fox, CNN and Comedy Central.

An estimate says retiring couples will need to have $260,000 set aside for health care. Mostly to help them recover from the heart attack and stroke they will have when they find out their retirement will cost $260,000 for health care.

Uber’s push for self-driving cars is said to be a job killer. Especially since most people using Uber are trying to save money so they can buy their own car and reach their dream of someday becoming a driver for Uber.

A report says IT accounts for 4.6 Million U.S. jobs. Which was figured out by looking at Census data showing the population of white and Asian males living in San Jose, Cupertino and Palo Alto.

Some colleges are offering a free fifth year for students who don’t graduate in four years. On top of that, they get a free 21st year of interest payments on their student loans if they haven’t paid them all off after 20.

Martin Shkreli is calling the drug company raising the price of EpiPens by 544% “vultures.” Although what the person who raised the price of an AIDS drug by 5400% probably meant to say was “Amateurs!”

A report says Mike Pence borrowed $280,000 to put his kids through college. Which is different than how Donald Trump handled his kids education, which was giving them all executive jobs in his corporation and paying them with the money he took in from Trump University.

Donald Trump’s new campaign manager Steve Bannon says he is encouraging Trump to not be nice and aggressively go with his gut. In other words, don’t change a thing.

Donald Trump’s new campaign manager Steve Bannon says he is encouraging Trump to not be nice and aggressively go with his gut. Meaning he knows that Trump won’t listen to a word he says and will do whatever he wants anyways.

Government officials are looking to stop people on Medicaid from also getting subsidies for private health insurance. Mostly because they don’t want to be paying in duplicate for services where insurance companies are charging them in triplicate.

A report says many Olympians have dental problems. Especially the ones who weren’t able to keep their mouths closed while swimming in the green diving pool.

A report says many Olympians have dental problems. Which is understandable in after wearing a pair of Speedos all day not wanting to even think about subjecting another body part to being flossed.

A report says the water supply in two North Carolina cities may be contaminated with E.Coli. Authorities are blaming it on people who are using public water sources to wash their white hoods.

A report says the water supply in two North Carolina cities may be contaminated with E.Coli. Apparently all it takes is one person throwing their Chipotle burrito leftovers into a nearby river or lake.

The FDA has issued safety warnings over Wen hair products over complaints of hair loss and rashes. The good news is that people who wasted their money on the faulty shampoos and conditioners will now save all kinds of money from not having hair they have to wash ever again.

A study says the “business diet” consisting of red meat, snacks and alcohol is bad for the heart. Especially when the diet is combined with a business trip that involves flying on United Airlines and staying at a Super 8 Motel.

A lifelike doll left in a car in New Hampshire caused police to break out a window and perform CPR. The only question is why police thought even a real baby would be in danger in a state where the temperature never gets higher than 67 degrees.

A lifelike doll left in a car in New Hampshire caused police to break out a window and perform CPR. Although it was nowhere near as serious as the time a girl left her  Ken doll on a windowsill and a suicide team took four hours trying to talk him out of jumping.

A lifelike doll left in a car in New Hampshire caused police to break out a window and perform CPR. The owner has been called irresponsible for their actions and could be placed under Barbie Dreamhouse arrest.

A report says a baby name surge of “Simone” is taking place after the Olympic performances of Simone Biles and Simone Manuel. On the other hand, the antics of the U.S. swim team have pretty much canceled out anyone naming their child “Ryan” for the next four years.

A study says that men who are family breadwinners are less happy and healthy. Mostly from the fact that to support a family these days it pretty much takes working all day at three different minimum wage jobs.

A report says sales are increasing for canned wine. Who would have ever thought the way to throw a classy party was to be the host serving wine from a box?

A report says sales are increasing for canned wine. Mostly because the last thing you want to do after someone has already been drinking cheap wine all day is to put a corkscrew in their hands.

Wrestler Eva Marie has been suspended from the WWE for violating the Wellness Policy. Although it’s hard to believe an sport that features a flying springboard moonsault with a double stomp actually claims to have a Wellness Policy.

Wrestler Eva Marie has been suspended from the WWE for violating the Wellness Policy. Apparently when she hit someone on the back with a folding chair, she didn’t check to see that there was still someone sitting in it.

Tyra banks will teach a business course at Stanford next year. Although most people already know the secret of how to use modeling as a way to become rich. For most, it is simply marrying Donald Trump.

Police say burglars broke into the home that was used for exterior shots for the TV show “The Brady Bunch.” Fortunately no one was hurt, and the only thing missing was a container in the refrigerator full of pork chops and apple sauce. 

A lawyer for Ryan Lochte says the swimmer didn’t lie about being robbed. What else would you call getting drunk out of your mind and having a street vendor charge you $15 for a vuvuzela?

 The U.S. Women’s water polo team won the sport’s first ever back to back Olympic gold medals. The most difficult part was keeping their concentration during games with a drunk Ryan Lochte sitting in the stands constantly yelling out “Marco!”

The NBA is holding a hackathon to help build basketball analytics tools. And to get Shaquille O’Neal to the free throw line as many times as possible.

A new law in Massachusetts calls for raising the wages for women working in IT. Which will be good news for the three women interested in the seven IT jobs available in Massachusetts.

Tech publication Wired magazine has made its first ever presidential endorsement, backing Hillary Clinton. Mostly from selling magazines the next four years with articles on how to keep from getting in trouble for using a private e-mail server.

Hillary Clinton reportedly told the FBI that Colin Powell advised her to use a private e-mail account. Which shows that as far as Powell is concerned her administration won’t be the third term of President Obama as much as George W. Bush all over again where he once again gets thrown under the bus.

Donald Trump made a speech appealing to Black voters by asking them what they have to lose by voting for him. Other than their right to vote by the time he runs for reelection.

A poll says that approval of Congress has improved to a still low 18%. The good news is that at least they are pretty much guaranteed to have a higher approval rate than whomever moves into the White House in January.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the Rio Olympics are over. The Games will be most remembered for the good news of the U.S. Swim Team led by Michael Phelps and Katie Ledecky bringing home 33 medals. The bad news is they also brought back Ryan Lochte. While I will never win an Olympic medal, I always feel like I am right up there on the podium every time you all remember to keep sending the love!


1 comment:

Samaira Siddiqui said...

Looking for music concert, standupcomedy shows etc. Check StrayDog Nights CLC
Club