Friday, August 19, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that Ryan Lochte and other Olympic swimmers may have lied about being robbed by fake police in Rio. Not only that, but Lochte is now also being accused of putting a sock down the front of his Speedos.

A report says that Ryan Lochte and other Olympic swimmers may have lied about being robbed by fake police in Rio. Not only that, but now some swimmers claim during races the water is always warmer in the lanes next to his.

A report says sex dolls in the future will have Artificial Intelligence to simulate love. Which for men means as soon as they are done the doll will leave.

Twitter has suspended 235,000 accounts because of extremism. Go figure that the one they still leave up is the one belonging to Donald Trump.

Uber says its first self-driving car fleet will arrive in Pittsburgh soon. Which isn’t as exciting as it sounds. Pittsburgh was chosen so the cars could be parked on the freeway in traffic for three hours and still qualify to be called self-driving.

Two people were arrested at a funeral home in Florida where 16 bodies were found to be decomposing. And those were just the mourners at a Catholic funeral waiting for the services to end.

Two people were arrested at a funeral home in Florida where 16 bodies were found to be decomposing. What else did they expect from a bunch of corpses lying around?

An Italian Bishop is threatening legal action against the developers of Pokemon Go, saying it has turned players into the “walking dead.” Where has he been the past five years when that already happened to people using their cellphones for Facebook, Twitter and texting?

The HR department at Princeton University has issued an order to faculty to not use the word “men.” That shouldn’t be a problem as when was the last time anyone heard the term “men” applied to anyone going to Princeton?

New Zealand has launched a water supply inquiry after thousands of people fell sick. It turns out the water supply was being treated with the same chemicals they were using on the Olympic diving pool in Rio.

A California porn producer has blasted the state for a “tiresome” fine over actors not using condoms. Not only that, but when a scene is done he can no longer yell out “That’s a wrap!”

A man in India claiming to be 120 says the secret of his longevity is yoga and celibacy. He says the celibacy part is easy, especially when you have been stuck in the wounded peacock pose for the past 40 years.

A man in India claiming to be 120 says the secret of his longevity is yoga and celibacy. To which most men are saying if yoga and celibacy are the key to a long life, it’s time to start shopping for a cemetery plot.

A man in India claiming to be 120 says the secret of his longevity is yoga and celibacy. Which just makes living a normal life span seem like 120 years.

Pennsylvania State Police have charged an Amish man with driving his horse and buggy while drunk with four passengers on the roof. Which answers the question as to how Ryan Lochte and his teammates finally managed to make it home from Rio.

UK TV presenter Charlie Webster has reportedly come out of a coma in Rio after contracting a rare strain of malaria. The only question is that when it comes to a UK news presenter being in a coma, how could anyone tell?

UK TV presenter Charlie Webster has reportedly come out of a coma in Rio after contracting a rare strain of malaria. She became ill following a 3,000 mile charity bike ride when she made the mistake of cooling off by jumping into an Olympic pool.

An Alaska village has voted to move their location because of climate change. Apparently villagers knew something was wrong when they witnessed a territorial fight between a polar bear and an alligator.

An Alaska village has voted to move their location because of climate change. To which Al Gore immediately called Sarah Palin to say “In your face!”

A report says that eight women were pulled from their jobs on Egyptian Television for being overweight. Which answers the question as to where Roger Ailes ended up after leaving Fox News.

A baby born on a Cebu Pacific Air flight has been given 1 Million free air mile points. Which in the U.S. on most airlines would work out to a free flight from Oklahoma City to Tulsa.

A baby born on a Cebu Pacific Air flight has been given 1 Million free air mile points. As opposed to if that happened on a flight in the U.S. where the mother would have been charged for the extra seat along with an $8 fee for baby swaddling.

Amazon is reportedly experimenting with giving part time workers full time benefits. Which means they get a full hour lunch along with two weeks vacation time to make up for not actually being paid a salary.

Amazon is reportedly experimenting with giving part time workers full time benefits. After working for Amazon for more than a few weeks, the one most likely to be applied for are the unemployment benefits.

The New York Federal Reserve says that middle class jobs are making a comeback in New York. The only problem is that for a job to be considered middle class in New York, it has to pay at least $500,00 a year.

The scandal involving Ryan Lochte in Rio could reportedly cost the swimming champ several of his sponsors. The biggest one that could get away is Gatorade which was going to capitalize on the sports drink being the exact same color as the Olympic pools.

A report says cashing in on Olympic medals is difficult for most athletes. What can the champion air rifle shooter do for commercial endorsements other than represent the company selling DVD’s of “A Christmas Story”?

A report says cashing in on Olympic medals is difficult for most athletes. Especially the champions at trampoline, canoeing and skeet shooting whose toughest job is convincing anyone they should actually be considered athletes.

The Department of Justice says it will stop using private prisons for federal inmates. Which is good news for prisoners who just found out the government got a very competitive bid from the people who built Abu Ghraib.

McDonald’s has removed fitness trackers from Happy Meals that were said to cause rashes. They will instead be replaced by the much more practical devices to be used following a Happy Meal, the official Ronald McDonald defibrillator.

A study says people winning bronze Olympic medals have a more happy reaction than those winning the silver. To which Michael Phelps says “The Olympics have a bronze medal?”

Johnny Depp’s ex-wife Amber Heard says she has given her $7 Million divorce settlement to charity. Which is completely different than when Charlie Sheen got divorced after he was caught giving donations to a stripper named Charity.

Esquire TV is set to run Ryan Lochte’s failed reality show “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” Apparently it failed when everyone realized the answer to the question is “The dumbest thing that could possibly come to mind.”

Alex Rodriguez says he is “done as a player.” However, a spokesman says that status could change. Which means that A-Rod is still not done when it comes to being the biggest douchebag on the planet.

Tom Brady will miss the preseason game against the Bears after slicing his thumb at practice. You would think the guy would know how to operate an air pressure needle without cutting himself by now.

The kicker for the Philadelphia Eagles suffered a concussion after being hit in the head by a punted ball. If that was the Raiders, it would have been different only in the fact that the kicker would have been the one who punted the ball.

Brazilian authorities are suggesting that Ryan Lochte and Jim Feigen should be indicted for the false reporting of a crime. The good news for the swimmers is that they managed to get away because while walking around in Speedos and bathing caps they looked like they were just getting ready for the Carnival parade.

The Buffalo Bills home field will get a new name, New Era Field. Which could cause some confusion in the new era of the salary cap to have the players getting their salary from a company selling caps.

A 200 year old shipwreck has been found at the bottom of Lake Ontario. To which Carnival Cruise Lines is saying that explains why they have been so late getting back to port.

The San Francisco Bay Area median home price is up to $735,000. Which is skewed upwards a little bit by the homes in Silicon Valley that consider $735,000 a starting point for a kitchen remodeling.

Twitter has rolled out a new filter which makes it easier to hide offensive notifications. Apparently it just allows them to be able to click and unfollow Donald Trump.

A lunar landing photo signed by the crew of Apollo 11 will be auctioned off in the UK. It is estimated to bring in the most money for a photo of a moon shot other than all the selfies of Kim Kardashian’s backside.

San Francisco’s BART is set to subsidize riders who use Uber and Lyft. Mostly just with the fact that by using Uber and Lyft, riders won’t be subjected to all the panhandlers, vagrants and pickpockets that ride on BART.

Thursday was declared Mars Day by NASA as a way to bring attention to how the space agency will someday get there. Or as most Americans consider Mars Day, any day they eat a Snickers, Milky Way or Mars bar.

New technology will enable people’s contact lenses to send health updates to their smartphone. Like when the lenses detect their eyes are completely bloodshot and their fitness app realizes its because they are stoned out of their mind.

New technology will enable people’s contact lenses to send health updates to their smartphone. For instance, when the lenses are knocked out of their eyes from hemorrhaging blood, it may be recognized by their fitness app they have Ebola.

T-Mobile is offering an all-unlimited plan to its customers. They got the idea from AT&T for unlimited talk, data and text. Just without the unlimited payments, dropped calls and online outages.

A study says computers may be better at diagnosing depression than primary care physicians. Mostly because the doctors may think the patients’ sadness is from waiting three hours for an appointment for a condition that won’t be covered by their insurance.

A study says computers may be better at diagnosing depression than primary care physicians. Mostly because a doctor sees a patient a few times a year at the most while they are looking into their computer screen more than 16 hours a day.

Uber has launched a legal battle against a law requiring London taxi drivers to learn English. Or as that law would be called in New York City, “permanent gridlock.”

A growing list of apps prove how well people are driving. Although the only one needed to actually help someone keep from crashing is the app that shuts off their texting feature whenever they are behind the wheel.

Donald Trump says he regrets sometimes saying “the wrong thing.” Although he wasn’t specific, most analysts say that could pretty much encompass everything that has come out of his mouth since June of last year.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This Ryan Lochte thing is really blowing up at the Olympics. So far the media has really not gotten into it too much. Fortunately for him, it wasn’t like he did anything really outrageous like using a private server to send e-mails. Now that would create a media firestorm! I try and keep things low key around here. Except for the times that I can’t help but get excited when you all remember to take the time to keep on sending the love!


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