Thursday, August 18, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says religious groups fear unprecedented demonic outpourings in the U.S. If they think it’s bad now, just wait until the start of the presidential debates.

NASA says a large earthquake is 99.9% likely to hit Los Angeles within the next two years. Which is just slightly higher than the 98.9% chance that a large earthquake will hit L.A. by tomorrow afternoon.

NASA says a large earthquake is 99.9% likely to hit Los Angeles within the next two years. And if any agency is qualified to know when disaster is imminent, it’s NASA.

Microsoft’s Xbox gaming service went down on Wednesday in the UK and U.S. prompting thousands of complaints from customers. It was so severe that gamers were forced to go other places on the Internet and actually found out there is an upcoming presidential election and that the Olympics are currently underway.

Microsoft’s Xbox gaming service went down on Wednesday in the UK and U.S. prompting thousands of complaints from customers. Injuries were even caused as gamers were subjected to severe sunburn from going outside for the first time in three years.

A poll says that 3 out of 5 Texans support secession if Hillary Clinton is elected President. The other 2 are still in favor no matter who becomes President.

A study says regularly going to concerts and dancing with friends makes people happier. Mostly because that is all they do the last four years before they graduate college and have to find a job to pay off their college tuition loans.

A report says body donations to U.S. medical schools have been rising. Mostly just so people with no health insurance can rest easily know they finally were able to have some doctors take a look at them.

A report says body donations to U.S. medical schools have been rising. Which ironically are the same people who are usually afraid to get their hair cut by the students at the beauty school.

A report says body donations to U.S. medical schools have been rising. You know you have a strained relationship with your kids when they turn you over to the medical students to save the time and money in putting together a funeral.

Donald Trump’s new key economic adviser is someone whom he has never met. Which is no surprise as the economics professor is not a politician, celebrity or beauty contestant.

Seven members of Congress from Virginia are asking that former Governor Bob McDonnell not be retried for corruption. They say it would be unfair, costly and more importantly could set a precedent for when they are eventually caught.

A California movie theater is being sued by a family whose child choked to death on a hot dog. The family claims efforts to save the child were hurt by poor lighting and background noise. Possibly because they were inside a movie theater.

A California movie theater is being sued by a family whose child choked to death on a hot dog. The theater says it was just an unfortunate case a concession stand hot dog resulting in immediate death instead of taking the usual three or four days.

A “firenado” was filmed in Oregon where a field fire combined with winds to make a smoke filled funnel. The bad part is that wasn’t even in the National Biblical Weather Service forecast of a Great Flood, raining frogs and rivers turning to blood.

A “firenado” was filmed in Oregon where a field fire combined with winds to make a smoke filled funnel. The Weather Service gave it a 7 on the Hollywood Disaster Scale, coming in right ahead of asteroid impact and behind Sharknado. 

A farmer along with 13 cows were killed in Wisconsin by manure fumes. The sad part is that it could have been avoided if the culprit had just bothered to say “excuse me.”

An Idaho man accused of shooting a victim six times because he thought he was part of an alien conspiracy to enslave the human race. Authorities aren’t sure if his reasoning was from mental disease or listening to Donald Trump’s immigration policy rants.

The Transportation Department says 78% of U.S. airline flights were on time in June. The other 22% are United Airlines flights that took off in June that the carrier says should be completing the entire round trip any day now.

The CEO of Planet Fitness says their chief competitors are Chili’s and Uno’s. Mostly because it’s tough to try to get someone to try to work on their lats and glutes for a half hour when they could instead be spending that time doing curls with a plate full of Spiced Panko Onion Rings.

The CEO of Planet Fitness says their chief competitors are Chili’s and Uno’s. Although after eating every meal for a week at Chili’s and Uno’s is the main reason that Planet Fitness is getting any of their customers in the first place.

AT&T is eliminating overage fees for data use. Mostly because customers are using most their data to go online to see when AT&T’s phone service will be up and running again.

Researchers say a new cholesterol drug is so expensive that it is not worth the benefits. The good news is that people paying for the drug don’t have enough money left over to buy the junk food that got their cholesterol so high in the first place.

The McDonald’s restaurant in the Olympic Village that is giving free food to athletes has capped orders at 20 items per visit. The good news is that anyone eating too much can purge the meal by washing it down with a glass of green water from the Olympic diving pool.

The McDonald’s restaurant in the Olympic Village that is giving free food to athletes has capped orders at 20 items per visit. Which is really unnecessary as even Michael Phelps’ 12,000 calorie a day training diet can usually be reached after eating only four or five items off their menu.

An analysis says the White House and its accompanying artifacts has a market value of $250 Million. Which anyone in the California real estate market knows that puts it right up there with a three bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

An analysis says the White House and its accompanying artifacts has a market value of $250 Million. Which sounds like a pretty good deal until the buyer finds out it comes with a $19 Trillion national debt second mortgage.

Six people were shocked on an amusement park ride in Connecticut. Which was no big deal compared to the jolt they got when they found out admission and parking zapped them for a quick hundred bucks.

A study says that antipsychotic drugs pose little danger to fetuses. Other than the fact that the baby is going to be raised by someone who needs to be regularly medicated with antipsychotics.

A study says that chronic pain and depression is linked in couples. Mostly when one of them has chronic pain and they both go through depression trying to pay the monthly pharmacy bill.

A Peruvian woman who went into the hospital for kidney stone surgery ended up having her hands and feet removed because of infection. And you thought your medical plan copays cost you an arm and a leg. (Ba-da-boom!)

Lady Gaga’s father is set to release an Italian cookbook. The recipe most people are excited to try is his famous spaghetti and meatball dress.

Lady Gaga’s father is set to release an Italian cookbook. Not so anticipated is his follow up book on how to raise a normal child.

Comedian Katt Williams has been charged with battery after an incident in L.A. last month. Apparently he is trying to pitch a show he claims is a combination of “Last Comic Standing” with “Jerry Springer.”

Comedian Katt Williams has been charged with battery after an incident in L.A. last month. Charges are also pending on several other assaults. Someone needs to explain to this guy the actual meaning of “punch line.”

Khloe Kardashian says a skin cancer scare resulted in a removal of eight inches of skin. That confused people who thought losing eight inches of skin was a reference to her divorce from Lamar Odom.

Fox says its dating show “Coupled” has been canceled. Or as they would say in Hollywood, it was “Consciously Uncoupled.”

Bill Cosby and his lawyer Monique Pressley have apparently cut their ties. Mostly because after each of their meetings she claimed she could barely remember a thing.

Johnny Depp reportedly cut off the tip of a finger during a fight with his wife. Apparently someone needs to explain that “giving your ex the finger” is simply an expression.

Johnny Depp and his wife Amber Heard have settled their divorce case for a reported $7 Million. The worst part is that he actually got better reviews and made three times as much for his performance in “The Lone Ranger.”

Eve Plumb of “The Brady Bunch” sold her Malibu house for $3.9 Million after buying it in 1969 for $55,000. She should have known the 850 square foot size would be too small after buying it originally from Malibu Barbie.

LeBron James says his dream is to someday own an NBA team. Although back in June he pretty much already showed he owns the Golden State Warriors.

LeBron James says his dream is to someday own an NBA team. The only problem is where could he possibly get all the money it would take to do that?

Swimmer Ryan Lochte was ordered to stay in Rio by a judge over his claims of being robbed, but he had already gone home early. He would have stuck around but just couldn’t wait any longer to shower off that Olympic swimming pool water.

David Ortiz says the Boston Red Sox would welcome back reliever Jonathon Papelbon “with open arms.” The people he played with on other teams say the same thing. Mostly so they could be in a good position to get their hands around his neck.

Shaun White calls a sexual harassment suit from a band mate “bogus.” Which is a legal term that comes straight from the Snowboarders’ School of Law.

Shaun White calls a sexual harassment suit from a band mate “bogus.” Apparently she misunderstood him asking her if she wanted to join him for a tailgrab, backside misty and a little lipslide.

Solar panel manufacturer SolarCity has announce a restructuring that will include layoffs and cutting the CEO yearly salary to $1. The company says that anyone who says it signals the end of the operation is just throwing shade.

Solar panel manufacturer SolarCity has announce a restructuring that will include layoffs and cutting the CEO yearly salary to $1. The company is disputing charges of corruption and calls that the their methods of operation need more sunlight.

A report says the iPhone 7 release date is September 23rd. Which is good news for the people who are already in line waiting for the word on the release dates for the iPhones 8, 9, and 10.

A report says the median IT wage is $10,000 more a year for men than women. Which is really upsetting to the three women who actually were able to get a job in Silicon Valley.

A report says 1 in 10 IT workers telecommute. Mostly so they can still be productive and not waste time driving back and forth to work that they can instead use to run around their neighborhood playing Pokemon Go.

A report says Amazon and eBay are so successful they need 1.2 Million fewer workers than they used to for their operations. The sad part is the 1.2 Million people who no longer work there are now making ends meet by selling everything they own on Amazon and eBay.

Donald Trump says Hillary Clinton is taking weekends off from campaigning because of poor health. It turns out the real reason is that his half-crazed rants and accusations have given her such a large lead her campaign has been cut back to a part time operation.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! You have to love the story about Ryan Lochte making it back to the U.S. before a Brazilian judge ordered him to stay in the country over a suspicious robbery report. It seems more likely he must have ingested some of the stuff they used to turn the Olympic diving pool green. The interesting part is the Rio Police are more concerned about a potentially phony robbery report than looking into how that severed leg wound up on the sailing course. The only limb I care about is the one you all go out on every time you take the time to remember to keep sending the love!


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