Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

London Mayor Sadiq Khan says he would like to criminalize online trolls in the UK. The bad news is that if that happens it could lead to incarceration the next time Donald Trump visits his golf course in Scotland.

A report says Virtual Reality users battle nausea. Especially the ones who accidentally mix up their Virtual Reality sex games with pictures of Rosie O’Donnell.

Ford says it plans a self-driving car ride share fleet by 2021. Apparently it is for people who need access to a car but don’t want to be seen driving around in a Ford.

Ashley Judd has enrolled at UC Berkeley to get a Ph.D. in Public Policy as a way to continue her studies in gender equality. Which seems like a long ways to go just to figure out how to get a pay raise.

Pennsylvania Attorney General Kathleen Kane has resigned in the wake of her conviction on perjury charges. To which politicians all across the country were saying, “Amateur!”

An Alaskan judge has been reprimanded for making “undignified and discourteous” remarks in court. The last time that happened to a jurist the penalty was a $47 Million a year TV contract for Judge Judy.

An Alaskan judge has been reprimanded for making “undignified and discourteous” remarks in court. His remarks were so off color, when he threw the book at a defendant it was “50 Shades of Grey.”

The Playboy Mansion in Hollywood has sold for $100 Million. The home was built in the 1920s, which means it needs new hinges, varnish and some exterior work. Pretty much the same as current owner Hugh Hefner.

The Playboy Mansion in Hollywood has sold for $100 Million. It was bought by the owner of Hostess, maker of Twinkies. Which is a coincidence as the home is famous for current owner Hugh Hefner keeping it full of Twinkies for the past 50 years.

The Playboy Mansion in Hollywood has sold for $100 Million. The only catch is that current owner Hugh Hefner gets to live in it the rest of his life. The first thing the buyer does once he passes on will remove all 400 of the home’s installed Clappers.

Congress has passed a tax exemption for all Olympic winnings. Although the athletes would rather have it where they get to write off all their medical bills from catching the Zika virus.

Congress has passed a tax exemption for all Olympic winnings. Which is great news for the members of the U.S. Basketball Team who don’t need the headache of adding another $500 for the expense of a gold medal to their $20 Million annual salary.

The movie industry image in the U.S. has tied a 16 year high. Mostly because there hasn’t been an Adam Sandler movie released in theaters in more than a year.

The NFL has chosen Washington, D.C. Police Chief Cathy Lanier to be the league’s  new security chief. Which is bad news for Tom Brady as her first official move was to buy a new air pressure gauge.

The NFL has chosen Washington, D.C. Police Chief Cathy Lanier to be the league’s  new security chief. Apparently the idea to hire a former police chief was a preemptive measure in case one of the teams may try to sign Johnny Manziel.

A report says roadside rescues of new cars have been increasing. Apparently it has to do with Ford considering any of their cars being taken from place to place behind a tow truck qualifies them to count it as a driverless vehicle.

A Detroit couple claims they are being harassed as a result of people wandering through their neighborhood playing Pokemon Go. However, creators may be taking the game out of Detroit after Pikachu was recently wounded in a drive-by shooting.

Krispy Kreme says it plans to expand its operations in Chicago with another eight locations. Which will then result in the expansion of the waistlines of the thousands of people with a new store in their neighborhood.

Walgreens has introduced a game-like program to help people remember to take their medications. In order to make taking drugs more game-like, the program will be run by someone with first hand experience. Jose Canseco. 

A report says many tech companies are giving workers Election Day off in order to allow them to vote. Mostly because they know anyone working in technology has a high enough education level so when they go to the polls they will more than likely vote for anyone but Donald Trump.

A study says being infected with malaria may help some people survive a case of Ebola. Apparently the idea is like punching someone with a headache in the stomach so they forget about how much their head hurts.

A study says being infected with malaria may help some people survive a case of Ebola. Then after they have both of those, they are pretty safe to go to Rio and catch the last few events of the Olympics without worrying about the Zika virus.

A study says even if people exercise, too much sitting is bad for their health. Especially the people whose main exercises are working on their thumbs with texting and the TV remote and their elbows from sitting on the couch eating Doritos.

A study says children tend to make quick decisions to eat tasty foods after watching junk food commercials on TV. Or pretty much when they are just sitting around watching any commercials on TV.

A dangerous type of heroin responsible for several overdoses is being reported that comes packaged with a “Game of Thrones” label. How conditioned have we become to advertising where even illegal drugs have to come with attractive packaging?

A dangerous type of heroin responsible for several overdoses is being reported that comes packaged with a “Game of Thrones” label. The worst part is that it isn’t as addicting or dangerous for a person’s health as sitting around on the couch for days at a time binge watching “Game of Thrones.”

Researchers have discovered the region of the brain that is responsible for generosity. Which when being tested lights up like a Christmas tree when the person decides to pick up the tab for someone else’s coffee at Starbucks.

A study says that kids in college drink more and smoke less. Mostly because they drink to forget how much their tuition loans are costing and avoid smoking so they can live long enough to pay them off.

A study says Medicare reimburses women doctors an average of $19,000 less a year than men. Mostly because of all the old men who only see male doctors knowing a woman physician will be less likely to hand out Viagra prescriptions like candy.

E! has canceled the reality show “I Am Cait” after only two seasons. People were surprised. They found it hard to believe it lasted more than two episodes.

E! has canceled the reality show “I Am Cait” after only two seasons. Apparently even the people watching the show had trouble making up their minds.

“American Horror Story” will be the basis of an attraction at Universal theme parks. Which is not to be confused with the American horror story of going to a theme park and paying $100 to stand in line in the blazing heat for three hours for every ride.

Kim Kardashian says she is not a feminist, even though she doesn’t rely on a man to provide for her. She just relies on the millions of men who will pay money to see her naked to provide for her.

Abercrombie & Fitch has introduced a new line of clothing called “True Blue.” It’s different from their other lines in that advertisements will feature models who actually put some of the clothes on their bodies.

Amy Schumer says she isn’t scared if a sex tape is leaked. However, an offer of $1 Million for the tape has been made by her partner who is trying to protect himself from being known as the person who had sex with Amy Schumer.

Swimmer Ryan Lochte says he delayed reporting being robbed by fake police in Rio because he was afraid he would get in trouble. Especially since the ultimate punishment for any athletes violating rules is cleaning the Olympic diving pool.

Rio Police say there is no evidence to support Ryan Lochte’s claim he was robbed by fake police. The really suspicious part of his claim is that the only other witness to the crime was Robert Allenby.

Jerry Jones has been announced as a 2017 finalist for the NFL Hall of Fame. Which makes a great story for every kid who can’t catch a football to still get into Canton by making a billion dollars and buying a football team.

Jerry Jones has been announced as a 2017 finalist for the NFL Hall of Fame. His most inspiring story of being an owner is how the Cowboys won three Super Bowls after he told the team to go out and do that.

Boxing trainer Teddy Atlas says NBC is hiding corruption that is taking place in Olympic boxing. The biggest evidence to back up his story is how all the medal presentations have been handed out by Don King.

Mets Pitcher Bartolo Colon received his first walk ever after 282 plate appearances. Apparently opposing teams are now pitching around him after he also hit his first home run earlier this year.

Mets Pitcher Bartolo Colon received his first walk ever after 282 plate appearances. The person who needs to be concerned is the person behind him in the lineup who saw the other team walk a pitcher with an .089 batting average to get to him.

Some U.S. Senators are calling for an end to airline IT meltdowns. The problem there is that they will have no idea what a meltdown even is until they try and work with the Executive branch once Donald Trump is elected President.

China has launched what they call a hack proof satellite. Apparently they sent it up into space and then had some astronauts build a giant wall around it.

China has launched what they call a hack proof satellite. Which is a bit of an exaggeration since the only people they let try to break into it were some FBI agents.

MIT researchers have created a tattoo that can control a smartphone. Which is different from the people who were texting while driving into a tree and now have their smartphone tattooed on their forehead.

MIT researchers have created a tattoo that can control a smartphone. Now all they need to do to take care of the rest of the Millennials is to come up with a smartphone that can be controlled by a man bun.

A report says 75% of the most popular websites track their users. The other 25% are sites used primarily by men who don’t need to be tracked because it is assumed the next ten sites they visit will all be for Internet porn.

Stanford researchers have invented a water purifier that works in minutes using just sunlight. To test it out, one of the devices is being flown to Rio to see if it can be used to find the three competitors who have disappeared in the Olympic diving pool.

Scientists at UC Irvine say they may have found a fifth force of nature. Although they may be a bit late as it’s pretty apparent that it may have already been discovered last week and could be either Michael Phelps or Simone Biles.

Donald Trump is set to air his first general election TV ads starting Friday. Apparently the theme of the commercials will be for Trump to tell voters to ignore everything he has said to this point and let’s just start the whole thing over.

Donald Trump is pledging to “reject bigotry and hatred.” Except in the Red States where it is still pretty much the only issue that will get his supporters out to the polls.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, Michael Phelps and Simone Biles are done with the Olympics. I guess that leaves pretty much badminton and dressage as the only reasons to keep tuning in to coverage. That and seeing if Bob Costas has still managed to avoid both Zika and pink eye. Although I feel like I am right up there on the podium myself every time all of you remember to keep on sending the love!