Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

President Obama has issued a disaster declaration for Louisiana. When residents thanked him for the action because of the recent flooding, he said “You had a flood?”

A Polish woman set a world’s record in the hammer throw at the Olympics. It was the farthest a hammer had ever been thrown other than the distance a Swedish man tossed his hammer after not being able to ever finish assembling an IKEA futon.

A panic at JFK Airport in New York was caused after a celebration of Usain Bolt’s 100 Meter Olympic victory was mistaken for gunshots. The good news was that the hysteria caused eight people to actually run faster than Bolt’s best time in getting from the baggage carousel to their taxi.

Oregon State University freshmen are required to take a course about social justice. The bad news is that it teaches them how badly they are being taken advantage of with the amount of time it will take to pay back their college loans.

A severed leg was reportedly found in the waters where some of the Rio Olympics events are being staged. It almost resulted in the first case of Marathon swimmers having to swim wide to avoid being tripped.

Scientists claim that consciousness continues several minutes after death. The bad news is that it means administrators will be working on people who have already died to make sure they sign the paperwork for their final hospital bill.

A study says online porn may be making young men impotent. Mostly because of the injuries that may occur when their wife catches them on Pornhub.com.

A report says the smog in Los Angeles is at it’s highest levels since 2009. The worst part is the pollution is so thick it has made it hard to see all the smoke from the wildfires.

The CEO of Whole Foods says socialism has never worked and it never will. At least not for someone who is making millions of dollars selling chicken tenders to people for $14 a pound.

The CEO of Whole Foods says socialism has never worked and it never will. Except for the people who save thousands of dollars a year by avoiding Whole Foods and shopping at a food co-op.

Donald Trump is calling for an ideology test for anyone trying to come into the U.S. As opposed to the current challenge of climbing a fence, swimming a river or withstanding the hot temperatures of a ride in a car trunk.

Donald Trump is calling for an ideology test for anyone trying to come into the U.S. The bad news for Trump is that an ideology test from American voters is what is going to keep him from becoming President.

A survey says Millennials hide behind their gadgets to avoid interacting with airline staff. Which is ironic in that the only reason airline staff ever even talk to anyone is to tell them to turn off their devices.

The CEO of UPS wants Congress to approve the Trans Pacific Partnership as soon as possible. Which is ironic in that when it passes, the people taking American jobs will be the ones saying “What can Brown do for you?” (Racist, inappropriate but still funny!)

Studies show that incivilities at work are rising. But enough about having to go through the annual employee review.

Studies show that incivilities at work are rising. But only for the people who have to deal with placing an order with the barista when they stop in at Starbucks.

The Restaurant and computer industries were chosen the most popular in the U.S. Mostly because most Americans spend the largest part of the day eating fast food while sitting on their backsides staring into a computer screen.

A study says people tend to live longer if their parents live past the age of 70. Mostly because they don’t want to miss out on the part where after so much waiting they finally get to spend their inheritance.

A study says that too much exposure to artificial light can be bad for a person’s health. Especially when the light they are constantly exposed to is the one that comes on when they open the refrigerator door.

A study says that too much exposure to artificial light can be bad for a person’s health. Especially when the light is from the computer screen their wife catches them looking at to chat with their Facebook girlfriends.

Archaeologists have found a 5,000 year old brewery in China along with specialized jugs, pots and funnels. Which means they may have made an even more important discovery, the world’s first beer bong.

A study says that one third of patients over 70 leave the hospital in worse shape than when they arrived. And that’s just after being interrogated for three hours at the admissions window to make sure their insurance is up to date.

A study says that one third of patients over 70 leave the hospital in worse shape than when they arrived. What’s worse is that the other two thirds are in the same shape only because they were DOA.

A report says Johnny Depp cut off the tip of one of his fingers during a fight with his wife Amber Heard. To which admirers of Vincent van Gogh were saying “Amateur!”

A report says Johnny Depp cut off the tip of one of his fingers during a fight with his wife Amber Heard. To which movie fans were asking why didn’t he bother to chop off that stupid bird he wore on his head all through “The Lone Ranger”?

A report says many gyms are cutting classes back from 1 hour to 30 minutes. Mostly because it usually ended up with the last half of the longer classes turning into a hands on lesson in CPR.

A report says many gyms are cutting classes back from 1 hour to 30 minutes. Which means the only things not shrinking from belonging to a gym are the monthly dues and members’ waistlines.

Dick Van Dyke and his musical group broke out into an impromptu performance of the song “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” at a Denny’s in Santa Monica. People were caught off guard. Has Dick Van Dyke fallen on such tough times he has to eat at Denny’s?

A Chinese diver became engaged during the medal ceremonies at the Rio Olympics. Thanks to the pool water, a the wedding the bride will be wearing something old, new, borrowed and green.

Adele says she turned down an offer to sing at the Super Bowl Halftime Show but the NFL claims it never asked her. Although it’s easier to believe her story as after recent performances by Paul McCartney, The Rolling Stones and Bruce Springsteen at age 28 she is about 40 years too young to follow those acts.

Alex Rodriguez’ publicist says he will not be playing again this season. Although most Yankee fans are asking after batting .200 with 9 home runs did it even count for him playing yet this year?

Alex Rodriguez’ publicist says he will not be playing again this season. People were shocked. Who would be enough of a glutton for punishment to work as the publicist for Alex Rodriguez?

Indianapolis Colts punter Pat McAfee was given a “random” drug test after three of his punts went more than 60 yards in a game last Saturday. Although that was nowhere near as effective as the punting done by Commissioner Roger Goodell when it came to dealing with players accused of domestic violence.

Indianapolis Colts punter Pat McAfee was given a “random” drug test after three of his punts went more than 60 yards in a game last Saturday. League officials would only normally expect a performance like that from the Raiders punter from getting so much more practice every week.

Tim Tebow is already signing baseball memorabilia for money after saying he will try to make a run at a career on the diamond. If baseball doesn’t work out, he has already also started signing tennis rackets and golf balls just in case.

The Tennessee Titans auctioned off calling the first two plays of its exhibition game last week for $20,000 which resulted in a gain of 46 yards. Which means the next time the Seahawks get into the Super Bowl Pete Carroll may try the same idea for the last play of the game.

Australia’s chief digital officer says the country needs to “rage against” mediocre government services. Which Americans are having trouble understanding as we are thankful when government workers put out the extra effort to attain mediocrity.

Australia’s chief digital officer says the country needs to “rage against” mediocre government services. Which most Americans are seeing as an opportunity to give them Donald Trump to listen to once he loses his election here.

Audi says it has technology that can tell how long a signal will stay red before changing. Even more impressive is being able to tell how long it will take to restart the Audi after it stalls from sitting at a signal more than a few seconds.

People who have cheated at Pokemon Go will be given a lifetime ban by the game’s creators. Which is more like the death penalty to players who have to give up looking for Pikachu and go back to wasting their day playing “Angry Birds,” “Candy Crush” and “Tetris.”

Aetna says it will slash its Obamacare participation by two thirds next year due to heavy losses. Which for a health insurance company, a loss means profits of less than 73%.

Aetna says it will slash its Obamacare participation by two thirds next year due to heavy losses, mostly from an increase in signups by people who are already sick. Apparently Aetna was caught off guard with the idea that a health insurance company would actually have to pay off anyone’s medical bills.

Hillary Clinton’s Super PAC will temporarily stop running ads in battleground states. Mostly because they found the best way to get people to vote for her is by letting people in those areas just watch all the ads put out by Donald Trump.

A report says the GOP is concerned that polling trends could mean Donald Trump’s coattails could harm congressional candidates. Even more scary to Republicans is Trump’s coattails clearing the way for the White House closets to be full of Hillary Clinton’s pantsuits.

Rudy Giuliani gave a speech where he claimed there were no successful radical Islamic attacks in the U.S. before the election of President Obama. Apparently he has written off the 9/11 hijackers as just a group of irate airline customers.

Donald Trump has been hinting that he may lose the election. The sad part of that is if he had run several years ago, all the money coming in from people betting on him to win may have kept his Atlantic City casinos from all going bankrupt.

Americans’ approval of President Obama’s foreign affairs has been rising recently. Mostly just as a reaction to knowing what our relations are like now with other countries as compared to the world war we will be fighting three months after Donald Trump is elected President.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The U.S. continues to do well in the Olympics, although Simone Biles’ attempt to win all the gymnastic gold medals fell short when she had trouble on the beam. Apparently she stumbled doing a backflip while also trying to capture a nearby Charizard on her cellphone. Tough break. All I know is that I get the equivalent of the gold medal each time all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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