Sunday, August 14, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says with more people living in compact sized homes, they are having smaller pets, with the average puppy now 12% smaller than ten years ago. If nothing else because the average American doesn’t leave enough to give the dog as table scraps.

A study says with more people living in compact sized homes, they are having smaller pets, with the average puppy now 12% smaller than ten years ago. It’s a matter of survival for the dogs in order to be able to get around with homes getting smaller and their owners getting bigger.

The Olympics diving pool in Rio turned green and had to be drained and refilled. The reason, according to a spokesman is that “Chemistry is not an exact science.” Which are exactly the same words spoken by everyone who has ever failed their college chemistry course.

The Olympics diving pool in Rio turned green and had to be drained and refilled. The reason, according to a spokesman is that “Chemistry is not an exact science.” Which is true, just ask anyone who has blown up their trailer while mixing up a batch of meth.

The Olympics diving pool in Rio turned green and had to be drained and refilled. The reason, according to a spokesman is that “Chemistry is not an exact science.” If it was, there is no way Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes would have ever gotten together in the first place.

A survey says Venezuelans feel less safe at home than people in war-torn Syria. Mostly because in the Middle East, people feel they are in a normal environment only when they are being invaded by one of their neighbors.

A survey says Venezuelans feel less safe at home than people in war-torn Syria. To which the people living in Detroit are saying “Amateurs!”

Donald Trump says he will only lose Pennsylvania in November if “cheating goes on.” Which must mean that being 9 points down in the polls, he will have to have his people cheat to overturn 5% of the votes just to lose by only 4%.

The Prime Minister of Spain says that the third round of elections in one year will make their country the “laughing stock of Europe.” To which the people of Greece are saying it’s nice to get that 2,000 year old monkey off their back.

Sweden’s education minister has resigned after being arrested for DUI. Her blood alcohol level was .02%. That sounds a bit harsh. There are sessions of Congress that won’t get started until everyone is blowing at least .12%.

Michael Phelps says he will retire after the 2016 Olympics. To which even Brett Favre is saying he’ll believe that when he sees it.

Michael Phelps says he will retire after the 2016 Olympics. Which is exactly the same thing he said after the 2000, 2004, 2008, and 2012 Olympics.

Michael Phelps says he will retire after the 2016 Olympics. And to prove it he gave his entire cupping therapy kit to Katie Ledecky.

Venezuela has increased its minimum wage by 50%. Which the people in minimum wage jobs will promptly use to save towards buying a ticket to get out of Venezuela.

Venezuela has increased its minimum wage by 50%. A majority of the people in the U.S. are against that, fearing all that extra money will put them in a higher tax bracket.

A health emergency has been declared because of the Zika virus in Puerto Rico. Which will be given priority right behind the emergencies declared there for the economy, crime, the food supply, drinking water…

A health emergency has been declared because of the Zika virus in Puerto Rico, with officials saying one in four people there could have the virus at year’e end. The good news is that it qualifies them to bid on hosting the Olympics in 2024.

United Airlines has signed a new contract with their flight attendants. Apparently the dispute was over safety issues having to be constantly carrying around the large amounts of cash they collect from passengers for all the inflight airline fees.

A California lawmaker has proposed a bill calling for 15% of all vehicles in the state to be emission free by 2025. To which the oil company executives are saying that’s no problem. Just let them jack up prices to $4 a gallon again and half the cars will be parked on the side of the road.

A report says Olympic medalists have to pay taxes on the intrinsic value of their medals, which is $564 for gold and $305 for silver. There is no value for the bronze medals, which is exactly the same when it comes to negotiating for commercial endorsements.

A report says abuse on Twitter is a “fundamental feature” of the site. For anyone not believing that, just send a tweet critical of Donald Trump.

A report says the Clintons made $6.7 Million in speaking fees alone last year. Which is a bargain considering how much they could have made if Bill started charging by the word.

Last week was a bad one for airlines, with 24 people hurt by turbulence on a JetBlue flight, Delta grounded by a computer outage and the crash of an Emirates Airlines jet. Air carriers know it’s getting bad when they get a sympathy card from United.

The owner of a high end wine shop in California has pleaded guilty for bilking customers of $45 Million in what is being called a “wine Ponzi scheme.” Otherwise known in the premium wine business as “income.”

A survey says that two thirds of Millennials pretend to know more about office electronics than they actually do. While they may have no idea how to send a fax, they have the know how to capture every single Pokemon in one long lunch break.

Museums, theme parks art galleries and other destinations are using Pokemon Go to attract visitors. Which is sad to think that the only reason people are going to see exhibits at the Natural History Museum is to have a chance to capture Charizard.

Wal-Mart has signed an exclusive deal to sell deep fried Twinkies. Wal-Mart customers will be able to find them by asking store employees to direct them to the health food section.

An e-mail campaign is asking McDonald’s to stop using meat and dairy products that come from animals raised with antibiotics. Although the restaurant is hesitant as the antibiotics help offset the health issues people develop from eating at McDonald’s.

A study says Millennials have less hand strength than their fathers. Maybe their palms and fingers are lacking, but after sending out thousands of texts a day over the years, most Millennials find they can pretty much bend a steel girder using just their thumbs.

A study says Millennials have less hand strength than their fathers. Which could have something to do with a lack of Vitamin D in their systems after not seeing the sunlight for years at a time while living in their parents’ basement.

A study says exercise may ease the symptoms of schizophrenia. Not only that, but those with the affliction never have to look for a workout partner.

A study says students who misuse stimulants are more likely to have ADHD. Now what could possibly be a link between being hooked on speed and not having any appreciable attention span?

A study says students who misuse stimulants are more likely to have ADHD or other psychological problems. And vice versa.

A study says the brain relies on two timekeepers to regulate sleep. Which help offset the two timekeepers which make sure we never get enough sleep, alarm clocks and children.

A study says 91% of U.S. kids don’t have a heart healthy diet. It could be worse. If they didn’t end up turning video game consoles completely orange, most kids would have a diet consisting of only Cheetos.

A star Belgian Olympic sailor became ill after racing in the polluted Guanabara Bay. The other contestants were smart and became immune to most bacteria by spending the previous six months at sea working on a Carnival cruise ship.

Actor Thomas Gibson was fired from CBS’ “Criminal Minds” after kicking a writer. After which he received a card saying thanks for taking the title of most crazy Gibson in Hollywood, sent by Mel.

American Anthony Ervin won the 50 Meter Fredstyle at the Olympics, becoming the oldest person ever to win a gold medal in an individual swimming event. Not to say how much older he is than the other competitors, but his training regimen leading up to the Olympics consisted of 3 a day YMCA water aerobics classes.

CVS has announced CVS Pay, which allows people to pay for prescriptions with their smartphones. Up until now, pharmaceutical company policy for prescription payment was just to tell customers “Give me what you got.”

An analysis says U.S. consumers are financially healthy but are nervous about the state of the world. The good news is if Donald Trump is elected President they won’t have any money or much of the world left to worry about anyway.

NASA says Venus may have once been inhabitable. Which is the same thing they are also saying about Detroit.

NASA says Venus may have once been inhabitable before the planet reached its current temperature of 864 degrees. To which Al Gore is saying “I told them so, too!”

Facebook has adjusted its formula so the most informative news stories will top people’s news feeds. The question is, will that really be necessary for a site where people go to watch cat videos and see what their friends all ate for breakfast?

The Trump campaign has launched a drive to recruit “election observers” to make sure the election isn’t “rigged.” Which wouldn’t be necessary if Trump would do more in his campaign speeches to try and instead recruit some voters.

Hillary Clinton’s ads are continuing to keep a negative focus on Donald Trump. Mostly by just telling people to keep tuning in every night to watch the evening news.

Donald Trump says he has “No choice” but to keep running for President. Mostly because he has already paid a fortune to build the giant sign that will be hanging over the front of the White House saying “Trump”.

Presidential candidate Gary Johnson says his charitable contributions are “nonexistent.” Mostly because he feels the most charitable thing he can do as an American is give people the chance to vote for someone besides Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

Hillary Clinton’s tax returns show a huge loss from her presidential run. And that’s just from Bill who is running up a huge tab on the campaign trail just for the tips he hands out every time he gets a personal massage.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! We still have another week left in the Olympics, so there is still time to bet on whether Bob Costas will be done in by pink eye, Zika or the green pool water. Although while Costas is an Olympic staple, there are definitely some questionable choices NBC has made for their broadcast team. The biggest fear right now is instead of “See you in Tokyo in 2020!” the final signoff for these games will be “Seacrest out!” Before that happens there is still plenty of time for you to get your mind on something much more important, like making sure to remember to always keep sending the love!


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