Friday, August 12, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A giraffe at a Taiwan zoo died from a panic attack after an attempt to move it to another zoo for mating. Apparently it was given a Xanax pill to relieve the anxiety but it just took too long to get all the way down its throat.

A giraffe at a Taiwan zoo died from a panic attack after an attempt to move it to another zoo for mating. Which amounts to the worst case of first date jitters in history.

The DEA says marijuana will remain classified as a dangerous drug. Not because of the effects from people getting high, but the threat of morbid obesity from all the pizza, Oreos and Doritos that go along with it.

A study says more adults are living with their parents than ever before. The good news is that older Americans don’t have to even think about having to deal with the “empty next syndrome” until they are well into their 90s.

Los Angeles is reporting its worst smog in years, with air pollution at levels not seen since 2009. The good news is that because of the haze, no one has seen Pacoima since June.

A new book says several great U.S. leaders in history have suffered mental illness. Which at least gives more people optimism of what might come from the election between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.

A report says the world population is getting older, and by 2030 56 countries will have more people over 65 than under 15. Which means by then the most competitive Olympic sport will be mall power walking.

A report says the world population is getting older, and by 2030 56 countries will have more people over 65 than under 15. Which means the planet will be divided into two groups, those who wear their pants down at their knees and those who wear them up around their chest.

A report says the number of travel warnings issued for the U.S. by other countries is increasing. Mostly from companies that are afraid of sending their employees to the U.S. on business only to see them spend the entire trip playing Pokemon Go.

U.S. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte saw his hair turn green following an event in the Olympic pool. Which is still better than the marathon swimmers at Copacabana Beach who had the same thing happen to their livers.

Canada has decided to let medical marijuana patients grow their own pot at home. Which means it will be easy to tell if a person has a green thumb by looking at their red eyes.

Canada has decided to let medical marijuana patients grow their own pot at home. The only problem is trying to grow an entire year’s crop while dealing with a growing season that lasts three weeks.

The Pentagon has updated Reagan-era guidelines for gathering intelligence on U.S. citizens. Mostly at the request of the NSA that wanted modernized and more specific rules that make it more definitive as to what they ignore on a daily basis.

The Pentagon has updated Reagan-era guidelines for gathering intelligence on U.S. citizens. Although it’s hard to object on anyone collecting information when people have no problem posting a bathroom selfie along with a three page all caps rant against all their exes on Facebook.

Hillary Clinton says Donald Trump’s trade policy is “based on fear.” The only thing that strikes more fear into voters is having a choice for President between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

Panda Express restaurants is introducing a chopsticks-fork hybrid called the “chork.” Which is not to be confused with when customers are forcing so much food down their throats with the new utensil that they choke on a piece of moo shu pork.

Panda Express restaurants is introducing a chopsticks-fork hybrid called the “chork.” It allows people to experience a combination of the delicacy of Asian table manners along with the American tradition of stuffing as much food into the mouth at one time as possible.

A report says former Twitter CEO Dick Costolo censored abusive tweets about President Obama. To which Twitter says if it censored any abusive tweets, then Donald Trump would never even have been able to register for an account.

Donald Trump has added eight women to his previous all-male economic team. He says that people can tell they are all experts on the economy because he picked them personally and none of them are even hot.

Arianna Huffington has announced she is leaving her site The Huffington Post. Not to say the site has lost some of its influence, but the worst part is the story was broken by Politico.

Experts say there are seven effects of smoking marijuana they want to study, including its effects on the brain, treatment of anxiety, long term consequences and they can’t remember the other four.

Nigeria is reporting its first cases of polio in two years. Although some people are suspicious as the report says the victims need money for treatment and are the sons of a Nigerian prince.

Researchers say that cutting the amount of alcohol in beer would be better for health and safety purposes and most drinkers wouldn’t even notice. Especially the ones whose favorite brand is Coors Light.

A boy who was killed on a Kansas City water slide is said to have been decapitated. Not only that, but the accident made it so he no longer even made the “you must be this tall” mark on the ride’s height requirement sign. (Sorry, this joke should not have been written! Still funny, though.)

A study says that people undergoing fertility treatment are more likely to suffer symptoms of depression and anxiety. If they think it’s bad now, just wait until they have kids who reach high school age.

A study says that people undergoing fertility treatment are more likely to suffer symptoms of depression and anxiety. Mostly from just the thought of being able to have children someday and having only 18 years to save for college.

A study says that daytime light may offset sleep problems tied to viewing tiny screens. Which is even worse for kids under 15 who actually make it outside into the sunlight fewer than about fifteen minutes the entire year.

A study says a vegan diet is not as environmentally friendly as other diets. Mostly because half the plates served with nothing but fruits and vegetables are just going to end up in the nearest landfill.

A study says people whose parents and grandparents suffered from depression have a higher risk of developing the condition themselves. Well, that news ought to make them feel a whole lot happier.

A study says the best time for peak athletic performance is during the late afternoon and early evening. Which at least could be a partial explanation as to why your coworkers can make it out the door in Olympic sprinter times every day at 5:00.

Mila Kunis says she is going to tell her kids that they are “very poor” so that they appreciate what they have. She’ll convince them by saying their dad Ashton Kutcher makes his money from movies and then have them watch “Dude, Where’s My Car?”

CBS says it is planning to keep “The Big Bang Theory” on the air. Which is like the Cleveland Cavaliers saying they would consider the possibility of keeping LeBron James a couple of more years.

UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon is enlisting Hollywood stars to try to end world poverty. Apparently he figures if Tom Cruise can become wealthy using just his acting skills, there is hope for people even in the most remote Third World outposts.

UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon is enlisting Hollywood stars to try to end world poverty. He reportedly wants to create a traveling road show called “A Night Out With Ki-Moon and Stars.”

Kendall Jenner says she is “superdifferent” from her sisters. For one thing, even though no one has mistaken the Kardashian women for being members of Mensa, most of them know there is no such word as “superdifferent.”

 Kendall Jenner says she is “superdifferent” from her sisters. She is more into taking selfies of herself topless while the rest of the family is more into taking pictures of their backsides.

The Seattle Seahawks will pay Texas A&M $140,000 for limited rights to the trademarked term “12th Man.” Although the Seahawks did manage to protect their rights to the phrase “Stupid call to lose the Super Bowl on the final play.”

LeBron James has reportedly signed a three year contract for $100 Million to play with the Cleveland Cavaliers. The contract will pay $2 Million to play basketball and the other $98 Million was for having to live another three years in Cleveland.

Alex Rodriguez says he requested to play third base in his final game at Yankee Stadium but was turned down by manager Joe Girardi. Mostly because Rodriguez hasn’t been at third base since his first date with Madonna.

Oreo has announced its newest flavor filling, Swedish fish gummy candy. Although anyone who is lukewarm with the thought of combining Swedish fish with cookies, the original Oreos crème filling is actually made up of sugar and pureed lutefisk.

Scientists say they discovered a Greenland shark that may have been 400 years old. The bad part is they found it while waiting in the lunch buffet line at a Red Lobster.

Social media site Reddit was down on Thursday for what was called “Emergency maintenance.” They borrowed the term from United Airlines which routinely performs any maintenance only when it officially reaches emergency status.

A web tool lets people see what Olympic sport athlete’s body they most resemble. Which for most Americans is a toss up between the golfers, table tennis players and skeet shooters.

United Airlines has signed a deal with iPass for inflight Wi-Fi service. Which is good news for passengers who can use the Internet en route to book a new connecting flight with another airline because every other flight on United has been canceled.

Donald Trump says he is “fine” with trying U.S. citizens accused of being terrorists in military tribunals. Legal experts were surprised. Trump would allow someone accused of being a terrorist to have a trial?

Donald Trump says winning the White House would probably be the only way he would get into heaven. Although it might really test his negotiating skills to try and convince St. Peter that blowing up Iran, Iraq and North Korea is exactly what Jesus would have done.

A report says an 18 year old British woman tennis player may have been poisoned with rat urine during Wimbledon. Doctors say the symptoms were consistent with either being deliberately poisoned, inhaling nerve gas or eating a plate of haggis.

A report says an 18 year old British woman tennis player may have been poisoned with rat urine during Wimbledon. The allegations were made after she was seen going on a dinner date with the New York City pizza rat.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Michael Phelps just keeps on winning at the Olympics. Some say it’s because he has no real competition because so many Russians were banned from the games. However, doping charges were pretty much confirmed after that one Russian won a gold medal in the 400 Meter Medley using the dog paddle. All I know is that it is the weekend and I am looking forward to some time off before I annoy you with more ill-humor next week. I can only hope you will use the time in between to make sure and remember to keep sending the love!


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