Thursday, August 11, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Federal data says that Americans’ wages are dropping. To which most Americans are saying “Wages?”

Federal data says that Americans’ wages are dropping. Which is great for all the people still stuck in minimum wage jobs who know at least that will never happen to them.

A homeowner who rented out her house on Airbnb says it was used for a porn movie shoot. Apparently she knew because there was a fee left by a pool boy and the house doesn’t have a pool.

Reports say some officials are fearing that Russia is using a Ukraine battlefield as a rehearsal for war with the U.S. To which all the people who have been hiding under their beds warning of the Red Scare since 1954 are finally saying “We told you so!”

Reports say some officials are fearing that Russia is using a Ukraine battlefield as a rehearsal for war with the U.S. However, military experts say there is no chance of us fighting Russia, at least until oil prices go back up near $100 a barrel.

A report says the Russian military attempted a technique to hide an entire city under a smoke screen. To which U.S. officials are saying we’ve had that technology for decades. It’s called Los Angeles.

The Italian government says the Corleone city hall is infested with the Mafia. Which is evident by the city’s motto of “You can’t fight city hall while you are wearing a pair of cement shoes.”

The Italian government says the Corleone city hall is infested with the Mafia. The worst part is that when a resident gets behind on their city services payment, they find out by waking up in bed next to a severed horse’s head.

The U.N. says the South Sudan has seen “significant deterioration” in the past year. The only question that everyone has is how can they tell?

A report says bonus cuts to Wall Street traders may not be as deep as expected. Which is good news for the traders who were already making personal sacrifices like only lighting up their Cuban cigars with $50 bills.

A report says bonus cuts to Wall Street traders may not be as deep as expected. Which was met with a real sigh of relief from the millions of people who can thank Wall Street for their own losses like their job, home and life savings.

Researchers say they have found 2,000 year old silver and gold scrolls inscribed with ancient curses in Serbia. Apparently the curses had something to do with having misplaced their silver and gold scrolls for 20 centuries.

Hillary Clinton explained her “Family First” economic proposal. Which confused everyone at first because the name sounds more like an ad for a new wireless cellphone plan.

Hillary Clinton explained her “Family First” economic proposal. Which most people figure the name was actually backwards as it is more than likely designed to help those people who are in the First Family.

A suspect who tried to break into the Apple headquarters was caught hiding in a local Starbucks. Police acted quickly, figuring that anyone trying to steal from a company with as much money as Apple could only have been trying to support a habit as expensive as Starbucks.

Singer Ed Sheeran is being sued for copying the Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” for his song “Thinking Out Loud.” To which Sheeran says is ridiculous, that he actually plagiarized his song from “Blurred Lines.”

MIT, NYU and Yale are being sued over excessive employee retirement plan fees. The schools claim the workers have no complaint, saying the fees are nothing compared to how much they are sticking the students with on their tuition loans.

MIT, NYU and Yale are being sued over excessive employee retirement plan fees. The schools claim the suit has no merit as the odds are about zero of any of the workers being able to retire in the first place.

CBS President Glenn Geller says the network needs to “do better” when it comes to diversity in their shows. Although he claims the reason all their shows star old white people is because they feel they do best when they play to their audience.

CBS President Glenn Geller says the network needs to “do better” when it comes to diversity in their shows. Mostly because the networks usually only finds places for minorities to be cast in crime shows, courtroom dramas and prison documentaries.

Wall Street’s biggest banks are joining to form a team to fight cybercrime. Apparently they are worried they have no chance against hackers who use much more sophisticated techniques than the banks’ more traditional white collar crimes.

Netflix has launched an app that measures the Internet speed of cellphones. Which is great news for people who want to know just how much time they have between hitting the “send” button on a text in their car and colliding with the tree.

Health care company Aetna is planning to give employees a break with their student loans. Mostly because the number one health issue is all the problems caused by the stress of knowing it will take 40 years to pay off their tuition debt.

Health care company Aetna is planning to give employees a break with their student loans. Mostly because they know it’s the only way their workers will have enough money left over to pay their health insurance premiums.

Data says the average American can’t qualify for a home loan. The data is called simple math showing it impossible to afford a monthly mortgage while also trying to pay off $100,000 in college loans with a minimum wage paycheck.

Data says the average American can’t qualify for a home loan. Which doesn’t bother most people who see it as also meaning they don’t qualify to go through foreclosure in another five years.

One of Donald Trump’s top advisers, Thomas Barrack says he is telling Trump to stop the name calling. Which brings up the question if your client doesn’t listen to what you suggest, can you really call yourself a top adviser?

One of Donald Trump’s top advisers, Thomas Barrack says he is telling Trump to stop the name calling. Which is about as effective as the adviser who keeps telling Kim Kardashian to put on some clothes.

GM is beginning to test autonomous cars in Arizona. The main selling point for self-driving GM cars will be saving time for the owners by taking themselves back to the dealer every time there is a new recall.

GM is beginning to test autonomous cars in Arizona. Which in Arizona, a self-driving car is one where the turn signal automatically keeps itself blinking all the time.

Delta is offering $200 to passengers stranded by the recent computer failure. Which will conveniently be offset by the airline’s new $200 computer maintenance fee.

A judge says that State Farm overcharged customers on premiums and should issue refunds. Legal experts were shocked. Where did they find a judge who has obviously never bought an insurance policy?

Buffalo Bills running back Karlos Williams says staying up late and eating snacks with his pregnant wife is the reason he gained weight. The only problem will be if there is a reciprocation of the Bills tendency to fumble away the ball when she goes anywhere holding the baby.

A study says after work e-mails can threaten a person’s lifestyle balance. Especially if their wife sees the e-mails are for an invitation for drinks from the new woman in accounting.

A study says yoga can lower a person’s stress and their waist size. Although their stress goes right back up when they realize losing weight means they need to come up with the money for an entirely new wardrobe.

An English woman gave birth after arriving at the hospital in less than a minute. Unfortunately, she was disappointed because that is also exactly how long it took her husband to help her conceive.

Researchers say that fidgeting while sitting may reduce the risk of health problems. But only if the biggest health issue is the possibility of getting hit in the eye by a spit wad from the coworker in the next cubicle.

Researchers say that fidgeting while sitting may reduce the risk of health problems. How bad is it when occasional nervous squirming is now accepted as a legitimate form of exercise?

A discovery shows that humans first used tools to eat meat 250,000 years ago. However, it was proven just how primitive they were when it was also found they had no idea which fork to use for their salad.

A discovery shows that humans first used tools to eat meat 250,000 years ago. The good news was that the researchers who found them were still able to get Sears to honor the lifetime warranty.

Some California farmers have grown grapes that taste like cotton candy. Which is great news for skid row winos who know that some day there will be a vintage that will bring back memories of the good old days when they were working as carnies.

Food companies are hoping to attract customers with labels that list fewer ingredients. Which is much easier now that manufacturers are dropping the preservatives and just going with the basics of salt, sugar and fat.

Paul McCartney says he gets along well now with Yoko Ono and that they are “mates.” As opposed to in the past when he called her a mate meaning she was a primate he would like to see as an inmate.

A report says Tom Cruise hasn’t seen his daughter Suri in three years. Apparently he won’t go over to ex-wife Katie Holmes’ house because she won’t furnish it with a couch he can jump on.

The U.S. Olympic handball coach says LeBron James could be the world’s best in just six months. Which sounds like a great idea except for the part where in the process he loses half a year and $22.9 Million in salary.

Prince Fielder has retired after neck surgery, saying “I can’t play Major League Baseball anymore.” To which the entire Atlanta Braves lineup scoffed, saying that has never stopped them from taking the field.

Michael Phelps’ 12 individual Olympic gold medals ties a record set by Leonidas of Rhodes 2,168 years ago. No one even knew about the previous record until Larry King remembered he still had that guy’s Wheaties box.

A judge says that Twitter is not liable for ISIS activities on the network. Which is good news for Twitter, not because they are worried about ISIS but because they were afraid they could also be held accountable for any of Donald Trump’s rants.

A man has built a bionic hand out of a Keurig coffee maker. The hand apparently has the ability to push the button to start a Keurig automatic coffee maker.

A man has built a bionic hand out of a Keurig coffee maker. Next he is going to build a pair of hands that can hit in 56 consecutive games out of a Mr. Coffee.

A study says a solar storm nearly sparked a nuclear war in 1967. Which in comparison was a lot less of a threat than the potential of a nuclear war starting in 2017 with just one tweet from President Trump.

A study challenges the theory of how early humans arrived in America, saying they did not come over the Bering land bridge. It turns out that even back then the only way to get in was climbing over a wall somebody built to keep them out.

More than one thousand dancing robots earned a Guinness world’s record. It was the largest gathering of stiff, programmed, rigid dancers ever seen since “American Bandstand” went off the air.

Police in New York captured a man who tried to climb Trump Tower using only suction cups. Apparently the man was trying to get an idea about what it will be like to come into this country once Trump is elected President.

Police in New York captured a man who tried to climb Trump Tower using only suction cups. Apparently it was the same man who used the identical method in his attempt to climb Michael Phelps.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Olympics have really caught my attention this year. I think it is awesome to watch the world’s best athletes train for four long years to get themselves into peak physical and mental shape where they are actually able to outrun Zika carrying mosquitoes for an entire two weeks. Now all you need to do is to get in top physical shape so that your fingers are able to keep typing away every day while you continue to keep on sending the love!


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