Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says American productivity has dropped for the third straight quarter. The reasons for the drop were explained as a lack of capital investment, questions over measuring methods and workers skipping out to play Pokemon Go.

A survey says Americans and Europeans are gloomy about the economic outlook while people in China and India are more positive. Mostly because the workers in China and India have jobs thanks to the companies that sent them over from the U.S. and Europe.

A study says the quality of dog sperm is declining, possibly from chemicals in pet foods. The only good news is the decline means that not as many people will have to keep sending in their pants to be constantly dry cleaned.

Producers of the reboot of “The Exorcist” say there has been a proliferation of possessed people across the U.S. Although lately it’s been hard to separate who is truly undergoing a demonic possession and who is just completely determined to do whatever it takes to catch a Charizard in Pokemon Go.

Charlie Sheen is urging other HIV Positive stars to come forward. Which doesn’t seem likely that any of them would want to do the same and take the risk of seeing their careers follow the path of Charlie Sheen’s.

An 80 year old Polish temptress has been caught after reportedly using drugs and promises of romance to swindle her senior suitors. She says next time she will just stick to the more conventional way of getting their money with a telemarketing scam selling phony lottery tickets.

Computer data is being used to mark out kids who are likely to become criminals. The kids who will be identified as future successful business leaders are the ones who will be able to hack the computers and remove any trace of their existence.

Use of the dating site Tinder has reportedly doubled in the Olympic athletes’ village. The only way anyone gets a right swipe so far is to have a documented test that they are absolutely Zika free.

Use of the dating site Tinder has reportedly doubled in the Olympic athletes’ village. So far it’s a left swipe only for anyone who has taken part in any competitions where they have had to get into the waters off Copacabana Beach.

Use of the dating site Tinder has reportedly doubled in the Olympic athletes’ village. The sad part is that some of the gymnasts have been right swiped by people who thought they were making a capture on Pokemon Go.

A sandwich shop worker in Utah has been arrested for putting meth and THC into the drink of a uniformed police officer. Apparently the worker wanted to give the officer the next best thing after the restaurant ran out of Mountain Dew.

A thousand Cubans reportedly headed into a perilous Panama jungle in order to avoid deportation. If it is getting that bad already, imagine what they will do if Donald Trump wins the election in November.

The Post Office has reported a quarterly loss of $1.6 Billion. The problem is they are losing money because they are just getting around to delivering mail that is still affixed with three cent stamps.

A man was arrested at a Madrid airport for running onto the tarmac to try and catch his departing plane. Or as they call that at United Airlines, standard boarding procedures.

A man was arrested at a Madrid airport for running onto the tarmac to try and catch his departing plane. Next time, he will book with JetBlue and be sure that even if he arrives three hours late that plane will still be right there waiting on the runway.

Three survey workers were beaten and finally rescued from a mob in Mexico. Ironically, the workers were conducting a survey of how safe it was to be walking around in Mexico.

A South Dakota couple married for 63 years died in the same room just minutes apart. After his wife passed away, the man’s final words were “I…win!”

A South Dakota couple married for 63 years died in the same room just minutes apart. Before they passed away they were asked how they stayed married so long, to which they replied “What else is there to do in South Dakota.”

The CEO of FX says there could be 500 scripted series on TV by 2017. Although some industry insiders thought that might be an exaggeration, especially to anyone who considers “Two Broke Girls” to be working off a script.

A report says the U.S. will be “tantalizingly close” to energy independence by 2020. Mostly from the fact we won’t need as much oil with so many people still out of work and not having to drive to the office every day.

A report says the U.S. will be “tantalizingly close” to energy independence by 2020. Which is upsetting to some military leaders who ever since the price of gasoline went down to $2 a gallon haven’t had a single country they were ordered to invade.

The computer outage at Delta Airlines could tarnish the company’s on-time reputation. Which is why it is so much easier to work at United where even being grounded for three weeks wouldn’t put a dent in their on-time record.

A jury has ruled against Chipotle in a lawsuit claiming they discriminated against a pregnant worker. The restaurant claimed she was an unfit mother for working at Chipotle while pregnant and risking being infected with E.coli.

Burger King will introduce its Whopperito burger-inside-a-tortilla later this month. Apparently they are trying to appeal to customers who want the Chipotle experience of eating a burrito, just without the aftertaste of E.coli.

Job site Monster posted a 26% gain in stock value after being sold. Which is good news for the Monster employees who will need to use the site to look for jobs after being laid off by their new company owners.

A 95 year old Connecticut woman used some of her $30,000 lottery jackpot to buy her first cellphone. The sad part is the rest of the money was gone as soon as she started being messaged after her number was accessed by some Nigerian princes.

A report says the number of delinquent student loans is staying at a high level. Mostly from the continuing high level of six figure loans being taken out to pay off their tuition.

A report says the number of delinquent student loans is staying at a high level. Remember the good old days when the loans were stable and it was the students who were delinquent?

Ride sharing site Lyft is selling $20 Starbucks gift cards with an additional free $5 for Lyft customers. Which is good news for anyone needing a ride along with $25 in Starbucks credit which will pretty much cover the cost of a cup of ice water.

A survey says the most annoying hotel guests are inattentive parents, hallway noisemakers and poolside partiers. Although it serves those people right for booking a room on Disney property in the first place.

A report says the fertility rate in the U.S. is at the lowest level ever recorded. Which can mean only one thing. Kevin Federline has finally given in and gotten a vasectomy.

A report says the fertility rate in the U.S. is at the lowest level ever recorded. And it’s going to get only worse when men get the choice of spending time and money on a date or staying at home with their Virtual Reality girlfriend who is a sure thing.

Six brands of turmeric have been recalled because of high lead levels. Which is a very strange feeling to go to the supermarket and when asking where the turmeric is having to specify that you want “unleaded.”

Six brands of turmeric have been recalled because of high lead levels. Although apparently it is safe to use as long as it isn’t part of a recipe that calls specifically to use water shipped in from Flint, Michigan.

A report says the most common injuries treated for Olympic athletes are from overuse of muscles and joints. Particularly the strain of using both arms constantly to swat away mosquitoes to keep from getting Zika.

A report says the most common injuries treated for Olympic athletes are from overuse of muscles and joints. Mostly thumb injuries from athletes constantly sending out tweets promoting the products they are getting paid to endorse during the Games.

A study says 6 Million Americans are drinking water that has toxic chemicals. No one had any idea that many people could even fit inside Flint, Michigan.

A study says 6 Million Americans are drinking water that has toxic chemicals. Which is no big deal since that is the safest way to wash down a Chipotle burrito while making sure to kill all the E.coli bacteria.

A study says volunteering is good for a person’s mental health. Which is good news for most Americans who are doing the next best thing, trying to get by working at a minimum wage job.

A study says drowsy driving causes 1 in 5 fatal car crashes. Especially for people who have gotten tired from all the texting they have been doing behind the wheel.

A report says Christie Brinkley and John Mellencamp have broken up. Apparently she finally refilled the contact lens prescription she got right before she also dumped Billy Joel.

A poll says Americans still love Tom Brady but have lost some respect. It’s deflating to see a role model get deflated from a simple act of deflation.

Dutch gymnast Yuri Van Gelder was sent home from the Olympics for drinking. Apparently he was so drunk he couldn’t walk straight along the uneven parallel lines.

The water in the Olympic diving pool in Rio turned green overnight. Olympic officials were concerned as just the day before it was exactly the right shade of brown.

A French fencer had his cellphone fall out of his pocket during a match at the Olympics. He was disqualified for being coached during the match after officials heard Siri telling him when to parry, ripost and thrust.

A survey says Detroit is the city where the most people play Pokemon Go. Although it may not be such a good idea as last week Charizard was taken to the Emergency Room after being shot three times.

A crash detector app can save lives following accidents by notifying authorities of the car’s location. It would save even more lives if it could be programmed to instead just tell the driver to put the cellphone down while they are behind the wheel.

Pokemon Go revenue is already at a reported $200 Million. And that doesn’t even count the money that has changed hands from players being robbed after wandering into the wrong neighborhood.

A report says thousands of kids are injured every year on amusement park rides. The main issues are poor construction, infrequent maintenance and children not holding on to their seat out of fear of losing the ice cream cone in their hands.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! How about Michael Phelps getting his 20th and 21st gold medals at the ripe old age of 31? Not to say swimming is a young sport, but half the contestants are wearing Speedos and the other half Huggies Swimmers. It’s also good that they have finally figured out a way to deal with the dirty water around Rio by after each race simply hitting the flush lever on the pool. I will never win a gold medal but I feel like I am right there on the highest platform every time all of you remember to keep sending the love!


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