Tuesday, August 02, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

There are charges that House Speaker Paul Ryan intends to thwart President Trump every chance he gets. Although a bigger threat to thwarting the idea of even having a President Trump happens every time Donald Trump opens his mouth again.

Commentator Skip Bayless is heading from ESPN to Fox Sports, saying leaving ESPN is like “taking off the handcuffs.” Although most people who watch ESPN always felt it would be more appropriate with Bayless to replace the handcuffs with a muzzle.

Billionaire Pete Thiel is working on ways to live longer, and says that transfusions with the blood of young people is the “ultimate medicine.” The bad part is that people don’t know if his idea is at the forefront of geriatrics or if he stole it from the episode where Mr. Burns got the same idea on “The Simpsons.”

A study says patience is the secret to wealth and health. Meaning people need to have the patience to create the wealth necessary to stay healthy by being able to continue to afford to pay the premiums on their medical insurance plan.

A study says a diet with lean protein from nuts, chicken and fish reduces a person’s risk of dying compared to eating red meat. Except where people decide to replace their daily Big Mac with an order of Chicken McNuggets and a Filet-O-Fish sandwich.      

A report says that relations between the U.S. and Turkey are being strained following a failed military coup. Feelings between Americans and Turkey usually don’t get this tense until a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving.

A report says that relations between the U.S. and Turkey are being strained. Mostly from the fact that Turkey realized that even after a failed military coup, Americans just aren’t really concerned with what is going on in Turkey.

J.P. Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon says European regulators should get out of the way and let banks do their job. Which after letting banks “do their job” before the 2008 crash is exactly why we need to have regulators in the first place.

Last week marked International Tiger Day. Which in the U.S. is celebrated by men crashing their SUV into a tree after their wife catches them with a Waffle House waitress.

The U.S. is returning 10,000 acres of land occupied by military bases in Okinawa. Although that will have no bearing on the attempt by the U.S. to try to get back the three quarters of all U.S. property bought by Japan after the mortgage crash of 2008.

A poll says a majority of Americans feels that college is still a good investment. Those are the people who are not currently taking out a second and third mortgage to pay off their kids’ tuition loans.

A poll says a majority of Americans feels that college is still a good investment. Mostly the people who back in 2008 had their life savings tied up in GM, Bear Stearns and AIG.

A McDonald’s in Missouri is planning to offer customers all-you-can-eat French fries. However, to offset the losses they will be selling ketchup for $10 an ounce.

A McDonald’s in Missouri is planning to offer all-you-can-eat French fries. The only catch is that customers are responsible for their own defibrillator and paramedic crew.

A McDonald’s in Missouri is planning to offer all-you-can-eat French fries. Although anyone who has seen a McDonald’s customer go through an order of fries knows there is no such thing as “all you can eat.”

Starz is reportedly developing a superhero themed drama featuring 50 Cent. It’s called typecasting. Who could possibly be more qualified to play a superhero than someone who has already survived 15 bullet wounds?

Comcast is being sued for more than $100 Million by Washington State for deceptive practices. Which brings up the question of has the state’s attorney general just recently discovered cable TV?

The Southwest Airlines pilots union wants the company’s CEO fired for a router issue that caused thousands of flights to be canceled or delayed. Or as the CEO of United Airlines calls that, “Whoopsie!”

The Southwest Airlines pilots union wants the company’s CEO fired for a router issue that caused thousands of flights to be canceled or delayed. To which Hillary Clinton is saying “Hey, I had nothing to do with that one.”

A Nigerian man was arrested in a global scam that pilfered $60 Million. To which all the other princes in Nigeria are saying, “Amateur!”

A Nigerian man was arrested in a global scam that pilfered $60 Million. Nigerian officials were concerned. No one likes to see the fall of someone involved so deeply in what has become the country’s top source of employment and revenue.

A report says some colleges say hosting a presidential debate is worth the $5 Million expense. So what if they have to cough up the principal, fees and interest on one of their student loans?

A report says some colleges say hosting a presidential debate is worth the $5 Million expense. Especially those schools that like to see the competition, aggression and full contact violence but can’t afford to field a football team.

A survey says 6 in 10 people who have jobs are always looking for something better. Meaning applying for jobs that actually pay more than their current minimum wage.

A survey says 6 in 10 people who have jobs are always looking for something better. Especially knowing that the other 4 who are still out of work will do their job for even less pay.

McDonald’s says it will remove all artificial preservatives from its Chicken McNuggets. Which means anyone who orders them will pretty much be given an empty box.

McDonald’s says it will remove high fructose corn syrup from all its buns. Apparently they found that using real sugar instead reacts much better with the other ingredients of lard and salt.

An analysis says the number of credit card accounts in the U.S. has risen to pre-recession levels. You know the economy is on the road to recovery when people are once again comfortable with going in debt up to their eyeballs.

A survey says that two thirds of Americans want college to be free. The other one third either don’t have children, feel higher education is a luxury, or don’t mind working three jobs to pay off tuition loans for the next 40 years.

The CDC has issued a travel warning because of the Zika virus. Although it turns out that being hospitalized for several months because of Zika still turns out to be less expensive than a weekend trip for a family of four to Disney World.

A study says that taking fish oil is beneficial after suffering a heart attack. Especially when the heart attack is caused by eating a plate of deep fried fish, French fries and hush puppies at Captain D’s.

A man in Turkey had to have 88 kidney stones removed. Although he is feeling much better, he still misses the extra time he had in not having to pee for the past three years.

A 3,000 calorie hamburger served at Uno’s Pizzeria & Grill made with five meats and four cheeses tops this year’s list of most unhealthy meals. The burger comes with French fries, a soda along with a priest on standby in case someone needs to administer the last rites.

 A 3,000 calorie hamburger served at Uno’s Pizzeria & Grill made with five meats and four cheeses tops this year’s list of most unhealthy meals. Apparently Uno’s put it on the menu so they can advertise their pizzas as “light fare.”

A study says that lifting larger weights is not necessary to build muscle. Especially for people who find putting all those weights on a bar just makes it too heavy to lift.

Las Vegas has set the odds of Tiger Woods winning the 2017 Masters at 66 to 1. Which is not to be confused with the heavy 1 to 66 odds set for him taking home a Waffle House waitress.

Las Vegas has set the odds of Tiger Woods winning the 2017 Masters at 66 to 1. Which may seem a bit low considering the shape his back is in requires him to have two people to help him stand just so he can put on his green jacket.

Web browser Google Chrome has passed a milestone of more than half of all people using it to browse online. Although the claim is still in question since the information came from a search using Google.

Japan has started broadcasting in 8K just in time for the Rio Olympics. The resolution is so great that viewers will be able to see the mosquitoes in amazing detail right before they go in for the bite that infects one of the athletes with Zika.

Japan has started broadcasting in 8K just in time for the Rio Olympics. The resolution is so great that viewers will be able to count the bullet wounds on all the bodies pulled from the competition waters.

A biomedical expert is telling Olympic athletes at Rio to not put their heads under water. Which is no problem for the open-water competitors who have already figured out how to navigate the courses by walking on the trash, sewage and floating corpses.

Instagram has a new feature that reportedly takes on Internet trolls. That will make it possible for users to go back to the original intent of Instagram, letting them look at pictures of naked people.

Google is rebutting a claim in a lawsuit that the company discriminates by age. Google is adamant in saying the record shows they do not hire based on a person’s age, just whether they are white or Asian and a male.

Google is rebutting a claim in a lawsuit that the company discriminates by age. They say they never hire anyone based on their age. However, once any employee turns 30 they are pretty much shown the door.

Luxury retailer Brikk is offering a diamond studded iPhone 7 for $1.3 Million. As opposed to the people who will be paying $1.3 Million over time for an iPhone that isn’t studded with diamonds but instead comes with a service contract from AT&T.

Uber is spending $500 Million to map the entire world for their service. Mostly for the safety of their drivers so none of them are accidentally sent over to pick up anyone at the home of Mel Gibson.

Amazon has passed Exxon as the fourth most valuable U.S. company. The sad part is that the latest listing on Selling on Amazon is Exxon.

Virgin Galactic has been given a space tourism operating license. To which NASA is saying “you need a license to go into space?”

Free Wi-Fi kiosks in New York City are reportedly being used by people so they can watch Internet porn. To which everyone is saying, “There is something else to look at online?”

Free Wi-Fi kiosks in New York City are reportedly being used by people so they can watch Internet porn. Apparently those are the people who are killing time waiting for the subway so they can instead grope someone themselves.

Donald Trump has signed a pledge to crack down on Internet porn. Mostly so people will quit going online to look at all the sites that are showing naked pictures of his wife.

A report says U.S. drivers’ interest in self-driving cars has dropped after the fatal Tesla crash. Also because they feel they want to be in control of their vehicle while they are driving themselves around playing Pokemon Go behind the wheel.

A study says most of the world’s biggest beasts could be extinct by the year 2100. Especially the ones that have been given their own exhibit at the Cincinnati Zoo.

A study says most of the world’s biggest beasts could be extinct by the year 2100. Especially the ones that go well with a side salad and a bottle of Riesling.

Joe Biden officiated his first wedding, involving two of his staffers. Those in attendance are hoping he will wind up the ceremony sometime before the couple  celebrates their second anniversary.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for continuing to log in to the blog. I think now is a good time to remind you that I am doing this as a labor of love, and I would like you to keep your end of the bargain. That means telling all your friends and family about it so I can start moving in a positive direction towards my ultimate goal of 7 Billion daily readers. We’ve got the 7, now we just need to work on that billion thing. In the meantime, it is still acceptable to get by with at least remembering to always keep sending the love!


No comments: