Friday, July 08, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Census Bureau says there are more white people who are 55 than any other age. Which finally explains the sudden surge in prime time ratings over at CBS.

The Census Bureau says there are more white people who are 55 than any other age. Which means it is a good time to invest with condo building companies headquartered in Arizona and Florida.

A UK woman has been sentenced to jail for having loud sex. Apparently her defense didn’t work that she was just praying when continually yelling out “Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!”

An adviser to Donald Trump says that when it comes to picking a running mate, Indiana Governor Mike Pence “rings the most bells.” Apparently the only bell that Chris Christie was interested in was the dinner bell.

North Korea is calling U.S. sanctions over human rights a “declaration of war.” It was almost as much of an insult to the country as nominating a presidential candidate with a worse haircut than Kim Jong-Un.

North Korea is calling U.S. sanctions over human rights a “declaration of war.” To which Donald Trump is saying that isn’t true, that war won’t be declared on their country until at least ten minutes after he is sworn in as President.

A report says “sugaring” is becoming more common with young women, where they date older wealthy men who pay off their student loans. Which is ironic in that is the most practical thing they learn while they are away at college.

Researchers say that women are no longer the happiest sex. Which isn’t that bad as they are always dealing with a one out of two chance of getting it back.

 Researchers say that women are no longer the happiest sex. Mostly because the things that make them unhappy are what they need to do to make men the happiest sex.

Researchers say that women are no longer the happiest sex. Which means that men are now the happiest sex, which is based on a formula that men are happiest when they are having sex.

Rochester, Minnesota tops the list as the healthiest city in the U.S. Mostly on the basis of figuring anyone who can survive a winter in Rochester, Minnesota can make it through just about anything.

A study says spending too much time online can damage a person’s immune system. Which is just another reason for people to make sure their computer is up to date on its anti-virus software.

A study says spending too much time online can damage a person’s immune system. Especially anyone who has been intimate with more than three people they have met on Tinder.

Psychiatric treatment has been ordered for a man who danced naked around Times Square in New York City. Apparently a judge decided that help is in order for anyone crazy enough to go to Times Square by themselves at night.

Psychiatric treatment has been ordered for a man who danced naked around Times Square in New York City. Apparently a judge felt he had become delusional, thinking he was Miley Cyrus.

Cuba says that U.S. travel to the island is up 84% in the first half of 2016. Mostly because it is the first time since 1955 that Americans aren’t worried about going to Cuba on a plane and having to come back on a raft.

A hedge fund manager has been fired after throwing a party at a rented $20 Million mansion in the Hamptons that was damaged with artwork stolen. A Wall Street executive should have known that kind of behavior is only tolerated while at work.

A report says the past June was the warmest since 1895, breaking a record set in 1933. The funny thing is that no one remembers global warming ever being an issue for either Grover Cleveland or Franklin Roosevelt.

A bunch of grapes sold in Japan for $11,000. Which was ironic in that when the winning bidder realized he was writing out an $11,000 check for a handful of grapes, he started to whine.

A House report says TSA misconduct is threatening the flying public. Which is good for travelers who know if they can make it through the security screening they can handle whatever any terrorists try to dish out.

Magician David Copperfield has bought a house in Las Vegas for a record price of $17.5 Million. Even he has nothing on Countrywide Home Loans which in 2008 made billions of dollars worth of mortgages just disappear.

A report says visits to the Emergency Room for high blood pressure dropped by 64% from 2002-2012. Ironically, most of those visits were for blood pressure spikes after people got the bill for their previous visit to the ER.

A report says visits to the Emergency Room for high blood pressure dropped by 64% from 2002-2012. The other 36% only saw their blood pressure skyrocket after waiting ten hours to be seen by an ER doctor.

A survey says more people blame George W. Bush for the country’s economic problems than President Obama. Which means Bush has achieved his goal of not being forgotten easily once he left the White House.

A survey says more people blame George W. Bush for the country’s economic problems than President Obama. Mostly because after what this country was like in 2008, they figured there is no way President Obama could have done any better with just eight years.

A report says Americans saved $477 on gasoline last year because of lower prices. Which isn’t hard to do considering that in 2008, $477 was known as “filling the tank.”

Wendy’s says customers’ credit card information was disclosed in a cyber attack last year. The company’s official statement following the breach was “Where’s the plastic?”

The U.S. will allow eight airlines to make flights to Havana. The good news is for Americans heading to Cuba is that they will be able to paddle their way back using their seat as a floatation device.

A report says depression strikes millions of teens each year. The official diagnosis is “being a teenager.”

A report says depression strikes millions of teens each year. Which is also about the same time it hits their parents who realize college tuition loans are just a few years away.

A report says gene testing may predict the risk of Alzheimer’s Disease in young adults. Which a positive result is welcomed news by recent college graduates who are looking for a way to help them forget about having to pay off their tuition loans.

A study says the Emergency Room death rate has dropped by half over the past 15 years. The reasons are given are improvements in emergency medicine, better management of resources, and the cancellation of the MTV show “Jackass.”

Liam Hemsworth has been named the “Sexiest male vegan celebrity.” Not only that, it’s the first time “vegan” has ever been paired with “sexy,” “male” and “celebrity.”

The agent for 38 year old Manu Ginobili says the NBA star turned down a “big offer” to return to the Spurs. Apparently he decided that after another year or two the opportunity will still be there to move into his new career as Wal-Mart greeter.

80 year old NFL great Paul Hornung is suing helmet maker Riddell, saying his dementia was caused because the helmets didn’t protect him from brain injuries. Although his dementia could also be caused by the fact he is 80 years old.


80 year old NFL great Paul Hornung is suing helmet maker Riddell, saying his dementia was caused because the helmets didn’t protect him from brain injuries. People were surprised. They wore helmets back in the day of Paul Hornung?

Former Detroit Lions receiver Calvin Johnson says until recently, painkillers were handed out to NFL players “like candy.” Although most of the Detroit players traded them in for the antidepressants they needed to cope with playing for the Lions.

Former Detroit Lions receiver Calvin Johnson says until recently, painkillers were handed out to NFL players “like candy.” Although in recent years it has been proven that actually taking the painkillers is not as unhealthy as eating candy.

The American Hockey League has adopted rules to limit fighting during games. In fact, with no fighting they found out they can actually get in as much playing time by cutting down the time of games to just five minutes.

Arizona State says it could expand beer sales during football games at Sun Devil Stadium. Which at Arizona State means they could start the sales in April and pretty much wind them down in March.

The Georgia Southern University football program has lost some scholarships and been put on probation for academic violations. To which the administration says if the coaching staff were anywhere near that inventive on the field, might have a chance of actually winning a few games.

Snapchat is being accused of exposing kids to “profoundly sexual” content. Which they could previously only see on their accounts with Twitter, Instagram and Myspace.

A survey says three quarters of people feel that accuracy is a top priority in wearable technology. The other one quarter feels it is just as important to disguise it to the point where when they wear it they aren’t robbed, beaten or given a wedgie.

Experts say that Neanderthals practiced cannibalism. Which brings up the question has anyone seen the past seven personal assistants to Sylvester Stallone?

LG and Volkswagen are teaming to connect cars to smart homes. The only annoying part is the billowing diesel smoke that now comes out of the oven.

Ted Cruz has committed to speaking at the Republican National Convention. If it is like his most recent speech in Congress, he will read from Dr. Seuss after which the entire convention will be shut down.

Republican members of Congress grilled FBI Director James Comey, saying the Hillary Clinton e-mail investigation isn’t over. To which Anthony Weiner is saying “Tell me about that.”

Donald Trump held a meeting with House Republicans where he flubbed basic facts of the Constitution. Which didn’t bother Trump as he says the document will pretty much become inoperative the moment he is elected President.

Ricky Williams says he “kind of” quit the NFL to smoke weed. After which he said he really doesn’t remember and what was the question again?

Kobe Bryant says he received an “unbelievable” retirement gift of a customized car from Snoop Dogg. It was unbelievable because it didn’t come equipped with more than five secret compartments to hide weed.

A study says apathetic government workers cost taxpayers billions of dollars a year. It might be more but the people at the Bureau of Labor Statistics haven’t quite been able to get around to look at the information yet.

A study says apathetic government workers cost taxpayers billions of dollars a year. Although it could be worse. Imagine how far the country would be in debt if Congress didn’t stop spending money over the six months they take off each year.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hate to end on a serious note, but all this shootings of innocent people by the police and innocent police by the people really needs to stop. I think we just have too many guns. I own one myself, a .22 single shot bolt action rifle. If I ever go on a shooting rampage I could take down as many as one squirrel. Which would anger PETA but that is a chance I would have to take. In the meantime, let’s out down our weapons and instead just concentrate on making sure we always send the love!


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