Thursday, July 07, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Stanley Kubrick’s daughter is debunking conspiracy theories that say her film director father worked with the government to fake the Moon landings. She must be sincere. If there is anything the Kubrick family should be apologizing for it is the making of “Eyes Wide Shut.”

Reports say several travelers have died in Peru while taking selfies at some of the country’s high altitude tourist attractions. The problem could be easily solved for people wanting a picture of them against the backdrop of the cliffs of Machu Picchu if someone would just invent a 3,000 foot long selfie stick.

A study says that people’s mothers’ DNA may affect the way they age. Although not as much as the way their hair gets gray when their mother keeps nagging at them.

500,000 hoverboards have been recalled because they can catch fire. The only good news is that most of them have been thrown out before they can ignite because the people riding them have been severely injured from continuously falling off.

Pentagon nurses are taking “zombie pandemic” courses to train for real outbreaks. Mostly because the CDC has about as much of a chance of handling a disease outbreak properly as there is of a zombie apocalypse happening in the first place.

Pentagon nurses are taking “zombie pandemic” courses to train for real outbreaks. And more importantly when they have to give a full annual physical examination to any of the top Generals.

A report says that drinking fizzy beverages can lower men’s sperm count. Especially for men who try to hit on a woman at a bar while carrying around a peach Chardonnay spritzer.

Former South African Olympian Oscar Pistorius has been sentenced to six years in prison for the shooting death of his girlfriend. Even O.J. Simpson was starting to ask what was taking them so long to lock this guy up.

61 year old former Canadian boxer Rick Nelson fought off a black bear by punching it with his fists. Which is very unusual considering that every Canadian knows that December 26th is the country’s official “Boxing Day.”

61 year old former Canadian boxer Rick Nelson fought off a black bear by punching it with his fists. Apparently it was mostly an attempt for a career comeback at “bear knuckle” boxing.

The U.S. has imposed sanctions against North Korea for Kim Jong-un’s human rights abuses. Apparently this time they are really trying to make him mad by banning any shipments into the country of hair gel, dye and mousse.

The KKK won a ruling in Georgia to be able to pick up trash along highways with the state’s “adopt-a-highway” program. KKK members like to keep the highways clean, especially when they take trips and stop in at their favorite store “Sheetz.”

The KKK won a ruling in Georgia to be able to pick up trash along highways with the state’s “adopt-a-highway” program. The only problem is that people in Georgia confuse picking up highway trash with the state’s policy on hitchhiking.

Billionaire hedge fund manager Bill Gross is telling Central Banks to take a lesson in credit from the board game Monopoly. Apparently he doesn’t realize the problem with our economy is Congress running the country using Monopoly money.

The Republican National Convention will offer a mobile app with a 360 degree view of the events. That way people using the technology will be able to zoom in on and use every possible angle to get the full effect of Donald Trump’s hair.

A study says shoppers prefer to make their final purchase decisions in-store, despite researching online. Which mostly comes down to whether the item is small enough to put in their bag and walk out without paying for it.

Casinos are looking at video games as a way to draw in Millennials. Especially for young adults who have never had the experience of playing a video game other than in a darkened basement.

Casinos are looking at video games as a way to draw in Millennials. Apparently the idea is to get young adults to bet on whether or not the gorilla in “Donkey Kong” is every going to run out of barrels to throw down the ladders.

A study says the U.S. is now number one in the world for global oil reserves. The bad news is that the oil companies may now start lobbying the military and politicians to invade ourselves.

Former Fox News anchor Gretchen Carlson is suing network CEO Roger Ailes, saying she was fired after refusing his advances. She knew there was a problem when Ailes said he wanted to put her on a new show called “Fox & Friends With Benefits.”

Former Fox News anchor Gretchen Carlson is suing network CEO Roger Ailes, saying she was fired after refusing his advances. Her lawsuit claims fraud, saying she was hired at Fox but ended up working for a wolf.

A report says companies are losing billions of dollars buying back their own shares from investors. Which is really bad for GM when after recalling all their cars they end up doing the same thing with their stock.

McDonald’s says it will expand their all-day breakfast menu. Which means the only thing expanding more will be the waistlines of their customers who are now eating McGriddles for every meal of their day.

Drug maker Pfizer says it will start to highlight the risk of addiction to opioids. Which mostly includes the “risk” of becoming incredibly wealthy for their investors making a fortune from the increasing widespread abuse of painkillers.

A blood test is said to be able to distinguish whether an infection is bacterial or viral. Which doesn’t mean anything to Millennials who think when something is “viral” it just means it has reached a million views on Youtube.

A blood test is said to be able to distinguish whether an infection is bacterial or viral. Which can also be determined by asking the person whether their most recent date was with Paris Hilton or one of the Kardashians.

A report says 4 in 10 sunscreens don’t meet Sun safety standards. The other 6 only pass because of the warning label that tells users to just make sure to sit in the shade.

A report says 4 in 10 sunscreens don’t meet Sun safety standards. Which means people who buy the products and sit in the sunshine are getting burned twice.

A study says mixing tobacco and marijuana can increase the risk of becoming dependent. Mostly because they get hooked on the tobacco and keep putting off trying to quit until next week.

A study says that car crash deaths in the U.S. are much higher than in other affluent countries. People were surprised at the news. The U.S. is still considered to be affluent?

A study says that car crash deaths in the U.S. are much higher than in other affluent countries. Mostly because the affluent countries are the ones where people have enough money to buy cellphones they can text with while driving.

Researchers say a chemical in marijuana may help protect against getting Alzheimer’s Disease. The only problem is that it’s impossible to tell the difference as to who has Alzheimer’s and who has just been smoking a lot of pot.

A study says that regular religious services are tied to a lower suicide rate. Mostly because men feel that sitting through a sermon is a lot better than having to be lectured for an hour by their wife over what they did on Saturday night.

Christie Brinkley says her look is not all natural, that she uses some fillers. The difference between her and Cher is Brinkley’s is applied with a needle while Cher still needs to have a battalion armed with a fire hose.

Christie Brinkley says her look is not all natural, that she uses some fillers. Which most women in Hollywood define as whatever the stuff is that now makes up what  used to be their breasts, lips and backsides.

Mila Kunis says she and husband Ashton Kutcher went through a time where she thought he was crazy. Especially the time when he told her he agreed to star in “Dude, Where’s My Car?”

The L.A. Rams have just moved into town and are already involved in the making of two reality shows. Unfortunately, neither one of them is called “The Super Bowl.”

Seattle quarterback Russell Wilson married his fiancée Ciara over the weekend. In order to make sure the wedding went as planned, they went against Pete Carroll’s call and instead of throwing the bridal bouquet she handed it off.

Forbes says that wannabe Kuala Lumpur billionaire Arun Pudur’s fortune may be mostly fictional. The good news is that faking a fortune could just qualify him to be the Republican presidential nominee in 2020.

A court has ruled a Michigan man cannot sue Pandora Internet radio for divulging his musical tastes. Apparently the court ruled that exposing the man as a fan of Justin Bieber, Adele and Ariana Grande has nothing to do with musical taste.

Snapchat has a new feature that allows people to use old pictures that were previously deleted. Which is just more bad news for anyone who gave their account name to Anthony Weiner.

Wal-Mart has rolled out Walmart Pay in all their U.S. stores. Which is different than how most of their customers are used to paying for items they buy there with deposit bottles, a sock full of change or bartering.

NASA and GM have designed a robotic glove for factory workers that will make them more efficient. Mostly by helping them pack all their belongings and moving to India where all the U.S. factories have relocated.

NASA and GM have designed a robotic glove for factory workers that will make them more efficient. The only problem is putting on a glove and hoping the product goes through a GM recall before experiencing a NASA explosion.

Donald Trump says that if he is elected President, Newt Gingrich will be involved somehow with the government. The toughest assignment for Gingrich will be arranging a meeting between Russian President Vladimir Putin and Trump and finding a room big enough for all three of their egos to fit inside.

Senator Chris Murphy says Donald Trump shouldn’t have access to classified information. Mostly because members of Congress are afraid Trump will be able to see all the confidential off the record jokes they have been making about his hair.

Donald Trump says he will announce his vice presidential pick before the Republican National Convention. Apparently he wants the rioting to start before people actually enter the arena when he reveals he has chosen Sarah Palin.

Former “CHiPs” star Erik Estrada has been sworn in as a police officer in a small town in Idaho. Apparently he became popular in Idaho after they heard he was sitting around in retirement pretending to be on an idling Harley saying “Potato, potato, potato…”

A study says the wealthy are spending more on health care than the poor and middle class for the first time. Mostly because the wealthy own the companies that make it so the poor and middle class people working for them don’t get paid enough money to be able to afford the luxuries like sitting in an actual doctor’s office.

A study says the wealthy are spending more on health care than the poor and middle class for the first time. But that will only last until the health insurance companies finally agree to start covering spa visits, Botox injections and plastic surgery.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I appreciate your logging in to the blog every day. Even though I am still a bit short of my goal of 7 Billion daily readers, I am glad you are still checking in to see if the jokes are getting any better (they aren’t). As you know, my only payment for cranking out this stuff is when you all remember to take the time to make sure and send the love!



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