Wednesday, July 06, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A new algorithm can reportedly spot lies in e-mails and on dating sites. That’s nothing new. The e-mails contain lies if they are sent by politicians and dating site profiles are lies if they are about men.

Scientists claim they can plant false experiences inside people’s brains. Which will come in very handy if United Airlines can get hold of that technology and give people the idea when they leave a plane that they actually enjoyed their flight.

The U.S. Rowing Team will wear sewage proof suits when they compete in the polluted waters being used at the Rio Olympics. There just wasn’t enough time for the alternate plan of making them immune by rowing off the coast of New Jersey.

The U.S. Rowing Team will wear sewage proof suits when they compete in the polluted waters being used at the Rio Olympics. The idea of sewage proof suits came after someone watched C-SPAN and saw what members of Congress wear when listening to each other give speeches.

A report says that Pope Francis I has fallen to the 9th most trusted in his home country of Argentina. Religious experts were shocked. There are eight other trustworthy leaders in Argentina?

The TSA and American Airlines are testing automated security technology to be used at airports. Apparently the system saves time by having people just show up at the screening line already naked.

Hillary Clinton was cleared of any wrongdoing concerning her private e-mail server after an investigation by the FBI. The question now is what happened to $6 Billion in State Department money that disappeared after her e-mail address was obtained by several Nigerian princes.

Scientists say that a series of electric shocks can relieve the effects of arthritis. Apparently they came up with the idea after seeing patients’ reactions when they get the bill from their Rheumatologist.

A wildfire in New Mexico that was started by feds has angered residents after spreading over 18,000 acres. People in other states were surprised. There is 18,000 acres of material that can catch fire in New Mexico?

House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy says he will try to punish Democrats who held a sit-in for gun control because their behavior was “not becoming of Congress.” Apparently they should have tried to get their way using more traditional methods involving bribes, kickbacks and blackmail.

An executive at Chipotle has been arrested for buying cocaine on seven different occasions. Mostly after eating a company burrito and being afraid to fall asleep until he was sure all the E.coli was out of his system.

Twinkie maker Hostess is planning to go public with a stock sale. Hostess executives figure that while tech stocks are going through the roof, who can go wrong investing in an unhealthy snack food on a bet that it will be eaten by Americans?

San Francisco is considering a “tech tax” to help alleviate the effects of the startup boom. If they really want to make money off the tech industry, all they need to do is put a higher sales tax on khaki Dockers, Hush Puppy shoes and Polo shirts.

Google says it is planning to use Artificial Intelligence to prevent blindness. Mostly through Virtual Reality glasses which can be worn at home to see images of naked women instead of getting poked in the eyes peeping through neighbors’ windows.

Nike is suing the WWE over their slogan “Just Bring It” which they claim copies their slogan of “Just Do It.” The problem for Nike will be fielding a legal team that can argue in front of a jury while avoiding being hit on the back with a folding chair.

Americans say their daily spending in June dropped to $88 a day, down from $95 a day in April and $93 in May. Mostly because they realized they should probably cut back a bit considering their minimum wage job only pays $57 a day.

Google headquarters were attacked by a man who thought he was being tracked through Google. Fortunately, the suspect was caught because Google knew exactly who he was, where he lived and what places he could be found at any time of day.

Edsel Ford II, great-grandson of Henry Ford was arrested for domestic violence. It could have been worse. He could have been even angrier if he had instead been named “Pinto,” “Maverick” or “Escort.”

Edsel Ford II, great-grandson of Henry Ford was arrested for domestic violence. The good news is if he is convicted, instead of going to jail he will just be recalled.

Apple wants to encourage millions of iPhone users to register as organ donors through a software update. Which is ironic in that the only way some people can actually afford to pay for their iPhone is to trade it for one of their kidneys.

A report says the average income for the top 1% wage earners in the U.S. went up 7.7% last year to $1.36 Million. Top earners were glad they talked shareholders into raising the minimum wage for executives up to the recommended $15,000 an hour.

Garrison Keillor is leaving as host of PBS radio’s “Prairie Home Companion.” Faithful listeners will now just have to use that time set aside for the show for some equally exciting pastimes like quilting, stamp collecting and joining a Parcheesi league.

Garrison Keillor is leaving as host of PBS radio’s “Prairie Home Companion.” People who have listened to the show since 1974 can now look into the technology that has emerged since then such as touchtone phones, e-mail and Internet Porn.

A study says the obesity epidemic is a result of the modern environment and not genes. Although it’s hard not to wonder looking at the people lined up at McDonald’s if there isn’t at least a trace of McNuggets that could be hidden in their DNA.

A study says that eating pasta may help people lose weight. To which doubters are saying “Your father’s mostaccioli!”

A study says that eating pasta may help people lose weight. To which doubters are saying “That’s fu-silli.”

A study says that eating good fats can cut the risk of death by 27%. To which the other 73% are saying they’ve never eaten a fat to be anything but great.

A study says that children are more likely to eat junk food when they see it on ads. Which means that one day some college will get smart in attracting new students by making Ronald McDonald their mascot.

General Mills is recalling flour that may be contaminated by E.coli. To which Chipotle was disappointed, saying that made for the best tasting tortillas.

A report says dozens of people are filing lawsuits over exploding e-cigarettes. Mostly because they say if they wanted to die smoking they might as well just smoke.

A study says that men who sleep too much or not enough are at a higher risk of Type 2 Diabetes. Well, that makes for a pretty narrow window of how to avoid getting the illness.

A study says that men who sleep too much or not enough are at a higher risk of Type 2 Diabetes. Especially the ones who don’t get enough sleep because they are up until 3:00 AM looking to see what is inside the refrigerator.

PBS has admitted that cloudy conditions caused them to show fireworks reruns from a previous year on their show “A Capitol 4th.” Although most viewers contend that even cloud obscured fireworks were more exciting than sitting through another episode of “Downton Abbey.”

PBS has admitted that cloudy conditions caused them to show fireworks reruns from a previous year on their show “A Capitol 4th.” If they wanted to show reruns of fireworks that got people’s attention, they should have just shown some video of the first few Republican presidential debates.

The first actress to play Lois Lane, Noel Neill has died at age 95. She was popular with men because she was beautiful, independent and was gullible enough to not be able to figure out Superman was just Clark Kent without his glasses.

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of “Eat, Pray, Love” says she is separating from her husband. Apparently he lost interest when he found out she just loved to eat and pray.

Michael Cimino, director of the much maligned film “Heaven’s Gate” has died at age 77. People are praying for his soul that when he actually gets to Heaven’s Gate, St. Peter didn’t fork out eight bucks to see the movie.

Michael Cimino, director of the much maligned film “Heaven’s Gate” has died at age 77. While the movie was a total flop, at least he went to his grave knowing that other people made “Gigli,” “Neighbors” and “The Hottie and the Nottie.”

Kylie Jenner’s cosmetic lip kits company received an “F” grade from the Better Business Bureau. Apparently the Kardashians were not too concerned, sending the BBB a sample of the lip kits to use to kiss their behinds.

Kylie Jenner’s cosmetic lip kits company received an “F” grade from the Better Business Bureau. Which some may take that the Kardashian family needs to stick to what it does best, marry celebrities, take nude selfies and market their sex tapes.

Cardinals catcher Brayan Pena can’t enlist with the Army Reserves because his MLB contract won’t allow it. Mostly because the military doesn’t want anyone from baseball signing up as they know if any Braves joined up it would be a waste of time trying to teach them to hit anything.

Cardinals catcher Brayan Pena can’t enlist with the Army Reserves because his MLB contract won’t allow it. Mostly because the league has no idea on how to classify someone who is on the DL for taking a mortar hit.

Rio de Janeiro Mayor Eduardo Paes says the city will be ready for the Olympics. Apparently crews will be done with construction of the Athletes’ Village quarters just as soon as the last shipment of cardboard arrives.

Golden State Warriors star Andre Iguodala will lead a tech event linking NBA players to Silicon Valley companies. Iguodala got a lesson in tech during Game 7 when he was successfully blocked by LeBron James.

The parent company of Ashley Madison is being investigated by the FTC. That means one thing. There is a Senator somewhere whose wife just found out he has an account.

The parent company of Ashley Madison is being investigated by the FTC for cheating. Which is otherwise known at Ashley Madison as their business model.

Federal regulators are investigating complaints about Google over age discrimination. Google denies the charges, saying they don’t discriminate against anyone for age, just being anything other than a white or Asian male.

Federal regulators are investigating complaints about Google over age discrimination. The claim is the company uses driver’s license information to decide on whether to hire people. If they are old enough to have a license, they are out.

A report says “selfie elbow” is real medical condition from people twisting their arms to take selfies. The worst case ever was Kim Kardashian tearing all her elbow ligaments trying to stretch her arm far enough to take a shot of her entire backside.

The World Bank says California’s economy is larger than all but five countries in the world. Although if Silicon Valley formed its own country and broke away, the rest of the state would instead fall somewhere between Puerto Rico and Khazakstan.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It was good to have a few days away from the writing. As you can tell if you have the intestinal fortitude to make it this far it made absolutely no difference in the quality of the jokes. Oh, well at least I feel rested. As do you probably for not having to read any of this the past four days. Now it’s back to business as usual, whatever that is. Hope you all had a happy 4th of July weekend! Now you are like me and it’s back to work. Except that hopefully you get paid for what you do. I get my compensation every time you all remember to make sure and always send the love!


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