Sunday, July 31, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Rio de Janeiro is preparing for the Olympics with the presence of a warship, armed troops and chemical drills. Or as they call that in China, “Tuesday.”

Donald Trump gave a speech where he says he will no longer be “Mr. Nice Guy.” And to prove it he punched out an orphan and two nuns then stole the cookies from an entire troop of Girl Scouts.

The world’s largest pension fund in Japan has lost $51 Billion in a downturn in stock prices. Most Americans were shocked at the news. There are still countries that have pensions?

Melania Trump is being accused of not graduating college as she has claimed. At least she didn’t make a totally outrageous claim about her education, like actually getting anything of value out of a course she signed up for at Trump University.

A USDA survey says 42% of high schools are participating in farm to school activities. Mostly the kids who want to learn how to grow crops more effectively now that pot has finally been legalized.

Turkey is slamming the U.S. for a lack of support following the failed military coup. To which the U.S. replied if they wanted the U.S. to invade, they should have done it when oil prices were still high enough to make it worth our while.

The creator of the 401(k) retirement plan says he created a monster. Mostly in the fact that at today’s wages anyone actually thinks they can put enough money away into one of the accounts to have a chance at retiring before they are 93.

Officials are encouraging travelers to not avoid Florida because of the Zika virus. Mostly because  they say the virus is nothing compared to the street crime, congested traffic and spending your life savings for one afternoon at Disney World.

Pokemon Go designers claim they have just changed an enormous number of spawning nests worldwide. And if you understand any of that previous sentence, it is time for you to put down your mobile device and get some serious help.

Five Hershey Trust directors have announced their retirements after reaching a settlement with the Pennsylvania Attorney General on their business practices. Although some people think the AG just went ahead and gave them a sweet deal.

Credit Suisse is building a new bank in the U.S. just for billionaires. Or as those have been called for the past eight years, “banks.”

Credit Suisse is building a new bank in the U.S. just for billionaires. Mostly because since 2008, the rest of Americans who aren’t billionaires can pretty much get by with keeping their life savings tucked away inside their left shoe.

A study says that Uber doesn’t decrease the drunk driving rate. Mostly because most Uber drivers are only doing the job to make enough money to support their drinking habit.

A study says that Uber doesn’t decrease the drunk driving rate. Mostly because the only reason most people call for a ride from Uber is because they need a ride after crashing their own car while driving drunk.

Taco Bell is testing a new burrito made with Cheetos. Not to say who the company had in mind when developing the new dish, but test markets will include a deal where anyone buying their tenth Cheetos burrito gets a coupon for a free bong.

Taco Bell is testing a new burrito made with Cheetos. For some reason the test markets for the new dish will be Colorado, Washington State and Alaska.

Experts say the U.S. economy is expected to pick up after weak growth in the spring. Apparently they are figuring after eight years of failed predictions about economic recovery, if they keep saying it enough one of these times they will finally be right.

A study says only 20% of companies have a mobile marketing strategy. Mostly because the other 80% know it’s a waste of time to try to get through to any Millennials while they are using their cellphones to take selfies, post on Facebook or play Pokemon Go.

Chevron lost $1.47 Billion in the second quarter because of falling oil prices. Or as most Americans call lower gasoline prices along with the sight of oil company executives standing in line at the unemployment office, a “win-win.”

The creators of Pokemon Go say they are working to be respectful of real world locations that don’t want to participate in the game. Apparently things got a little out of hand when the Pope interrupted Mass at the Vatican to lift up his cellphone and proclaim he just caught Charizard.

The creators of Pokemon Go say they are working to be respectful of real world locations that don’t want to participate in the game. Because who would have thought there were businesses that don’t want a steady stream of teenagers running through their building all day looking for Pikachu?

Federal regulators are proposing an overhaul of the debt collecting industry to prevent practices like repeated phone calls, constant disruptions and paying debts they don’t owe. The government says if people wanted to be continually harassed at home, they would join the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

A study says a brain glitch may be the cause of people developing OCD. After which the researchers performing the study said they wanted to make sure everyone knew that a brain glitch may be the cause of people developing OCD.

Scientists have identified a fourth phase of life they call the “death spiral.” Which happens right around the time a person’s work place decides to change their health insurance plan and switch over to an HMO.

A study says the English Bulldog breed may be in trouble because their gene pool has become too small for inbreeding. Which means if that is also true with humans, in another 50 years there might be nobody left in Alabama.

The Swedish government is investigating why people are having less sex in Sweden. Although it might have something to do with the people being uncomfortable with the government trying to watch them while they are having sex.

The Swedish government is investigating why people are having less sex in Sweden. Although it may have something to do with the men there becoming disillusioned after the end of those beer commercials that featured the Swedish Bikini Team.

The Swedish government is investigating why people are having less sex in Sweden. It may have something to do with Swedish women refusing to get in the mood ever since the breakup of ABBA.

A British man says he lost 28 pounds just by playing Pokemon Go. Unfortunately, playing the game nonstop has also led to his losing his job, wife and home.

A British man says he lost 28 pounds just by playing Pokemon Go. The bad news is that he gained it all right back when one of the Pokestops was made at a nearby pizzeria.

A new diet craze involves intermittent fasting. Which for Americans the idea of going for periods of time without eating is usually reserved for the time needed to come up for air in between the after lunch and before dinner snack breaks.

A study says that teen athletes are less likely than other kids to abuse opioids. Mostly because the teen athletes know that taking opioids can mess up the effects they are getting from all the steroids, HGH and other PEDs they are using.

Danny Trejo and Betty White will reportedly star in an action movie set in a retirement home. The only problem is that unless they cut the scene where all the residents are called for lunch, the film’s running time will be more than four hours.

Danny Trejo and Betty White will reportedly star in an action movie set in a retirement home. Although production is really being slowed down by having to use a stunt double when it comes to showing one of the residents performing any strenuous activities like breathing.

An ad from the 1960s has surfaced featuring the Rolling Stones singing on a commercial for Rice Krispies. As opposed to now when they are currently working on jingles for Mueslix, Fiber One and All-Bran.

The Navy will name a ship after gay rights pioneer Harvey Milk. Although at the dedication, instead of having a band play “Anchors Aweigh,” they will have the Village People singing “In The Navy.”

Kanye West says that Kim Kardashian made selfies into an art. Which is almost as far fetched as saying that Kanye West’s songs could be considered music.

U.S. tennis doubles champions Bob and Mike Bryan say they won’t compete in the Olympics because of the threat of catching the Zika virus. Mostly because they were annoyed at the thought of being assigned to walk ahead of all the other athletes going to their events and swatting away mosquitoes with their rackets.

Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll says he will continue to coach as long as it is fun. So what job is there that $8 Million a year doesn’t automatically make going to the office a lot of fun?

Brett Favre says he used to take a month’s worth of painkillers every two days. No wonder he could never remember that he had actually retired all those times.

A report says a new trend is for people to take selfies while they are driving. Apparently they want the pictures so they can remember how they used to look before crashing their car into an oak tree at 85 miles an hour while taking a selfie.

A 17th century cheese was found in a shipwreck in the Baltic Sea. It broke the record of the oldest cheese ever discovered at sea which was previously found in a buffet line on a Carnival cruise ship.

Microsoft says it is planning to lay off thousands of workers in its next round of job cuts, mostly in its cellphone division. You know it’s time to close down operations when you can’t increase smartphone sales even with everyone on the planet needing the latest upgrade to do their best playing Pokemon Go.

Microsoft says it is planning to lay off thousands of workers in its next round of job cuts. Apparently they can finally do away with most of their online tech support workers now that Windows 10 has become the first operating system they have made in 20 years that actually works.

Mark Cuban says that Donald Trump has gone “crazy.” That is serious. It’s like being told by Charlie Sheen that you need to start being more responsible.

Mark Cuban says that Donald Trump has gone “crazy.” Trump was confused when he was told. He knows he has angered the Mexicans, but what did he do to upset the Cubans?

Donald Trump was trapped in an elevator at a rally for 30 minutes before being rescued. After that he went on a rant saying that guy Otis is pathetic, a disgrace and not competent enough to even be an elevator operator let alone build them.

A study says more colleges are moving away from requiring student applicants from submitting test scores from the SAT. Mostly because anymore, the best way to determine a student’s ability at performing modern tasks is to see how fast they can send a tweet, post a selfie on Facebook and make all the captures on Pokemon Go.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the world of TV Weather. If you are thinking I am referring to still having my job as a TV meteorologist, no that’s not what I meant. If there are any of you out there who still watch The Weather Channel (Ahem crap! Cough, cough crap!) you may remember the glory days of the network which used to actually have real weather forecasts and competent although geeky on air meteorologists. One of those was a gentleman named Dave Schwartz, who passed away last week at age 63. He worked there for more than 20 years and combined a real love and expertise of the weather along with a very relaxed and fun style that made it a pleasure to tune in to watch him, even when he was working the dreaded overnight shifts where he was often scheduled. I had the pleasure of meeting Dave at an AMS conference in Orlando back in 1999 and we got to hang out one night along with a group of people over at Disney World. He was as entertaining and personable off camera as he was on. He finally lost a ten year battle with cancer, and will truly be missed by the people who knew him and watched him over the years. RIP, Dave Schwartz. Someone who really knew what it meant to go on the air and always send out the love!


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