Friday, July 29, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A dead body was reported floating in the river in Rio de Janeiro where Olympic swimmers will compete. What’s even worse is that the body ended up with a better time than anyone on the French swim team.

A study says secondhand smoke from marijuana is worse than from cigarettes. Not from the smoke irritating the lungs, but from gaining excess weight from a case of the secondhand munchies.

A report says that the 62.9% homeownership rate in the U.S. is the lowest since 1965. The good news is that the other 37.1% at least can go through their day not wondering when their house is going to be foreclosed.

A report says that the 62.9% homeownership rate in the U.S. is the lowest since 1965. People were confused. Was there a mortgage meltdown and economic depression that we forgot about back in the 1960s?

Researchers say that sitting at a desk in front of a computer for eight hours a day increases the risk of premature death by 60%. Especially when the person loses their job and their wife finds out it was from watching Internet porn at work all day.

A Florida man says he was arrested because police thought donut crumbs in his car were meth. Although they actually did him a favor as using meth is nowhere near as dangerous as eating an entire dozen Krispy Kremes.

A Florida man says he was arrested because police thought donut crumbs in his car were meth. It turns out the real reason is that the cops were angry because they thought he got the donuts out of the box that was sitting in their squad car.

A Vermont woman ended up vertical in her car after swerving when the GPS told her to turn around. Which she blames on her husband for having to use the GPS in the first place because he refused to stop and ask for directions.

A Vermont woman ended up vertical in her car after swerving when the GPS told her to turn around. Which is different from if her boyfriend was giving directions so they could get lost and end up in the back seat horizontal.

A Vermont woman ended up vertical in her car after swerving when the GPS told her to turn around. Which is what happens when Siri gets distracted while turning her attention to playing Pokemon Go.

Federal regulators are planning to strengthen the rules to stop harassment from debt collectors. Mostly the ones who keep coming around to Washington, D.C. from other countries asking the U.S. to pay back the $18 Trillion we have borrowed.

A report says Millennial home ownership is at a historic low of 34.1%. Mostly because people under 35 figure it’s probably not a good idea to commit to buying a home until they have at least enough money to move out of their parents’ basement.

A report says Millennial home ownership is at a historic low of 34.1%. Mostly because people under 35 in this economy have a new strategy for owning their own home. It’s called “inheritance.”

North Korea says the U.S. has crossed the red line and declared war on their nation by putting Kim Jong-Un on a list of sanctioned individuals. Or as the State Department calls North Korea declaring war on the U.S., “Tuesday.”

North Korea says the U.S. has crossed the red line and declared war on their nation by putting Kim Jong-Un on a list of sanctioned individuals. The good news is that North Korea has stopped declaring war on us quite as often ever since the State Department stopped making fun of his haircuts.

Motley Crue has debuted a line of sex toys. Not to say the band is getting older and its fans aren’t quite as interested in sex anymore, but its groupies are less concerned about getting the clap as they are about buying The Clapper.

Critics are targeting a group that evaluates the price and value of drugs. Although they still do a better job than the police who always overestimate the street value of any drugs they confiscate by $300,000.

Critics are targeting a group that evaluates the price and value of drugs. Mostly after they didn’t blink when Turing Pharmaceuticals raised the price of a drug for AIDS  from $13.50 to $750 overnight.

Critics are targeting a group that evaluates the price and value of drugs. Mostly because they know the pharmaceutical companies determine drug prices by figuring out what it costs to make and then multiply that by 300.

A report says the U.S. economic recovery may not be the worst ever. Mostly because the majority of Americans are saying “What economic recovery?

Chipotle is reportedly going to open its first restaurant serving mostly burgers, fries and shakes. Which is not to be confused with the “shakes” served at their other restaurants when customers start going into convulsions from contracting E.coli.

Dollar General is buying 41 former Wal-Mart Express stores. Apparently the goal is to attract customers who didn’t like shopping at Wal-Mart express because the clientele was just a bit too sophisticated.

Shell Oil’s profits plunged 72% for the second quarter. It’s getting so bad for the oil industry that executives are now have to scale back and buy only one additional vacation beach home each year.

A study says a slight brain zap with electricity can boost a person’s memory. The only problem is they can’t get to sleep because they can’t forget how terrible it is to be shocked awake in the middle of the night.

Researchers say the best way for people to boost their memory is to study, wait and then exercise. Which is a great plan for most people except for the part where they have to study and exercise.

A study says that physical inactivity costs the world $67.5 Billion a year. To which most people say it would be nice if someone would actually get up and figure out a way to do something about that.

A study says that physical inactivity costs the world $67.5 Billion a year. Which could be turned around tomorrow if businesses could somehow figure a way to block workplace access to Facebook, Internet porn and Pokemon Go.

A report says some dietary supplements can be dangerous. Especially to the people whose idea of a dietary supplement is dessert.

Mila Kunis says she bought the wedding bands for her and Ashton Kutcher on Etsy for $190. Mostly because in Hollywood couples don’t spend a lot of money on what is usually just considered decorative jewelry.

Mila Kunis says she bought the wedding bands for her and Ashton Kutcher on Etsy for $190. Although when Kutcher finds out she pocketed the rest of the cash he gave her to buy them he’ll be saying “Dude, where’s my prenup?”

“Sesame Street” has let go three original cast members in its move to HBO. The saddest part was when the now homeless Snuffleupagus had to ask Oscar the Grouch if he could crash for the night in his trash can.

“Sesame Street” has let go three original cast members in its move to HBO. The worst part was when Big Bird asked Bert and Ernie if he could use their spare bed for a while and they said “What spare bed?”

Stephen Colbert is battling lawyers from Comedy Central over the use of his character from “The Colbert Report.” However, Comedy Central’s legal team may have blown it when they filed their case in court and soaked the judge with a squirting lapel flower.

MTV is launching a new channel called “MTV Classic” which will focus on 1990s nostalgia. Apparently they will play to people’s memories of what the network was like right after they got rid of all the videos they played through the 1980s.

Tim Tebow says he feels he can still be effective as an NFL quarterback. The only problem will be convincing a team he was ever effective his first time around.

Tim Tebow says he feels he can still be effective as an NFL quarterback. The only problem is that “effective” is a term usually used by someone with the abilities good enough to take the role as third backup reserve quarterback.

Tim Tebow says he feels he can still be effective as an NFL quarterback. If nothing else, he is unmatched in his ability as a backup quarterback to catch, place and hold the ball for the kicker on extra points.

Vikings backup quarterback Taylor Heinicke says he severed a tendon while helping a friend break into his apartment. Even Tiger Woods is saying that’s a pretty weak attempt at trying to cover up what really happened.

The Smithsonian Museum is looking hiring an expert they will pay $64,000 a year to drink and research beer. Unfortunately, that doesn’t fit into most applicants’ vision of the job which is sitting around getting drunk and figuring out the puzzles on the caps of Lucky Lagers.

A report says Facebook could get hit with a $3-5 Billion tax bill over its moving global operations to Ireland. If they had known that in advance, Mark Zuckerberg would have just taken the $3-5 Billion out of petty cash and bought Ireland outright.

U.S. officials say that Russia intelligence was behind the hacking of DNC e-mails. To which Hillary Clinton is saying “Oh, so having a private server doesn’t sound like such a bad idea now, does it?”

A new process can reportedly keep milk fresh up to 63 days. Or as most bachelors know milk that has been kept in the refrigerator longer than 63 days, “homemade cottage cheese.”

A new Google app promises to stop annoying robocalls. Apparently it’s for people who just aren’t smart enough to figure out how to use the caller ID.

Security experts are saying that cybersecurity is becoming an unsustainable tax on businesses. And that’s just for the companies who are trying to keep the CIA from monitoring all their phone calls and e-mails.

Katy Perry sang on the final night of the Democratic convention before Hillary Clinton’s acceptance speech. The only embarrassing part was during her performance when Bill threw his jockey shorts onto the stage.

Katy Perry sang on the final night of the Democratic convention before Hillary Clinton’s acceptance speech. The most shocking part was that she performed solo showing that the Left Shark is actually a Republican sympathizer.

Apple says it has sold its 1 Billionth iPhone. In order to try to speed up the time it takes to sell its second billion, next month it will release its iPhone models 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12.

Hiroshima is unhappy that an atomic bomb memorial park has been made a Pokemon Go site. What’s worse is that the character placed there is one of the Mario Brothers mushrooms.

Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper gave a speech at the Democratic convention where he told people to “Put down Pokemon Go and elect Hillary Clinton.” Which is only to be expected from the governor of the first state to legalize pot.

A U.S. surveillance plane was forced to make an emergency landing in Russia. Which must have been a pretty awkward explanation to the authorities in the wake of that whole accusing Russian intelligence of hacking the DNC e-mails thing.

Joe Biden will appear in an upcoming installment of “Law & Order: SVU.” It’s the one that because of the additional dialogue had to be expanded to a six part episode.

Debbie Wasserman-Schultz says she resigned as Democratic National Committee Chair to “take one for the team.” Or translated into political-speak: “Damn, I got caught red handed.”

Debbie Wasserman-Schultz says she resigned as Democratic National Committee Chair to “take one for the team.” As opposed to Roger Ailes who resigned as CEO of Fox News for a $60 Million payoff and a promise to destroy all the evidence.

A poll says that 52% of U.S. adults say men and women have the same job opportunities. The other 48% say they would still be unemployed no matter what their sex.

A poll says that 52% of U.S. adults say men and women have the same job opportunities. Which is still meandering around somewhere between slim and none.

Donald Trump said that Virginia Governor Tim Kaines did a “lousy” job in New Jersey. At least now Trump doesn’t have to bother explaining to Chris Christie why he was passed over for Mike Pence instead as his running mate.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thank God the political conventions are over. If I listen to one more person pontificate endlessly without making a point, I will then know what it is like for all of you who read this blog every day. The only thing that bothered me was having to work late as the 11:00 news was pushed back because of all the blathering. At least that is one thing where one party has no advantage over the other. Now it’s on to the election. Which means 100 more days of easy work finding material to write about. Coming up with political jokes in a race between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is almost as easy as it would be for all of you to take the time every day to make sure to remember to keep sending the love!


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