Thursday, July 28, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A Brazilian doctor says athletes at the Rio Olympics will literally be swimming in human waste. If that’s the case, U.S. Olympians will be spending their last few days at home practicing in the public pools around Detroit.

A Silicon Valley bank has reportedly given Mark Zuckerberg a home mortgage loan with only a 1.05% interest rate. How high have the prices gone in California where even Mark Zuckerberg can’t afford to pay cash?

An Australian robot can reportedly build a house four times faster than human workers. Not only that, it can also be programmed to file the necessary papers to go through foreclosure twelve times faster when the owners default on their mortgage.

A Dunkin’ Donuts worker in Virginia is being accused of spraying the donuts with bleach. The sad part is that turns out to be the healthiest ingredient they put into any of their desserts.

John Hinckley, Jr., the man who tried to assassinate President Reagan in 1981 will reportedly be released from prison as early as next month. The saddest part was when he asked about Jodie Foster and after being told screamed “She’s what?!”

China is reportedly building a secret Internet network of the future that will be operated from space to make it completely secure. To which Hillary Clinton is saying “NOW they figure out how to do that.”

Boeing has reported its first quarterly loss in seven years. Mostly because United Airlines is delaying their payments for any jets they bought until they are able to send them out and see how they perform on a flight that isn’t canceled.

Analysts are forecasting a “restaurant recession” later this year. Which is bad news because financial experts know the minute Americans start cutting back on food, it’s time to prepare for a total economic collapse.

Turkey’s state run news agency says the government has shut down 45 newspapers across the country in response to the latest military coup attempt. People were shocked. There is a country that still has 45 operating newspapers?

Turkey’s state run news agency says the government has shut down 45 newspapers across the country in response to the latest military coup attempt. Donald Trump’s campaign managers were intrigued, asking “You can do that?”

The Cleveland Cavaliers will be honored by being the subjects of butter sculptures at the Ohio State Fair. Not so much for winning the NBA Championship, but butter just seemed an appropriate medium seeing as how they were able to beat the spread.

Donald Trump gave a speech where he encouraged Russia to hack into Hillary Clinton’s e-mails. Political experts were surprised. Hillary still actually communicates with anyone through e-mails?

The Treasury Department is ordering all cash buyers of high end properties in Manhattan to be identified. Which really isn’t that necessary since there are only three people on the entire planet with enough money to buy something in New York City with cash.

Researchers say one in six cars on the road have been recalled but not repaired. The news was immediately used in a commercial for General Motors where they brag that who would have guessed nearly 20% of the cars in the U.S. were made by GM?

Boeing says it is considering ending production of the iconic 747. How fat have we gotten that we have even managed to outgrow the first jumbo jet?

A study says the average pot user is 37 years old. Mostly people who want to get stoned to help them forget they are 37 years old and are still living in their parents’ basement.

A study says the average pot user is 37 years old. The sad part is that means those users will have to work at Taco Bell to make enough money to buy weed for the next 28 years until they are old enough to have Medicare pay for their medicinal pot.

Demi Lovato has a new mobile game that she says lets her fans get a peek into her life. Which they could also do if they just happened to look at all the self-promotion she posts every day on Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram…

A former aide to President Obama ripped into Donald Trump, Jr.’s questioning of the validity of unemployment rates. Which is nothing like the employment deception of people like Donald Trump’s kids who do absolutely nothing but still get a payroll check every week from dad.

The governor of cash strapped Alabama says he wants to start a state lottery to bring in more money. The people are excited about the possibility of having the chance to win enough money to actually be able to afford to move out of Alabama.

The governor of cash strapped Alabama says he wants to start a state lottery to bring in more money. The best part for the state will be giving the weekly winner their check for $47 and telling them they now officially a millionaire.

The governor of cash strapped Alabama says he wants to start a state lottery to bring in more money. People are excited, saying they will use their winnings to buy a house, pay off their bills and splurge with that once in a lifetime trip to see what it is actually like to sit in a dentist’s chair.

Forrest Mars, Jr., former President of Mars candy has died at age 84. His secret to a long life was to never eat anything made by Mars.

Forrest Mars, Jr., former President of Mars candy has died at age 84. Thanks to him, millions of people flunked out of their astronomy class in college by answering that the Milky Way is chocolate covering a delicious center of caramel and nougat.

Forrest Mars, Jr., former President of Mars candy has died at age 84. The cause of death was his doctor not reacting to his heart monitor flat lining, saying “Sorry, I was eating a Milky Way.”

A study says pesticides have cut the sperm count of bees by 39%. Which means the official title of worst job in the world is the person who had to collect that information.

A study says pesticides have cut the sperm count of bees by 39%. Not only that, but the bees are also having trouble getting a stinger.

A study says e-cigarettes emit toxic vapors. Which means people should stay away from anyone vaping after eating at Taco Bell or they could be getting the same thing from both ends.

The heiress to the Publix grocery store fortune has donated $800,000 to keep medical marijuana from being legalized in Florida. Other grocery chains are questioning the move, saying it could cost the industry $100 Million a year just in the snack food aisle.

A study says exercise can keep a person’s DNA young. The only question for most people is how to get all those microscopic DNA strands off the couch and moving around?

Scientists say that cockroach “milk” could be the next superfood. The only problem is that after drinking a glass, turning on the kitchen light can make them try to dive under the stove.

Scientists say that cockroach “milk” could be the next superfood. The only problem is finding a bucket small enough to put under the roaches to catch the milk when they squeeze their little udders.

A study says that transgender identification is not a mental health disorder. The decision was made after researchers watched a season’s worth of “The Kardashians” and determined Bruce Jenner was the only sane member of the entire cast.

A study says inactivity is right behind smoking as a predictor of early death. Which is good news for people who abstain from tobacco and just use their time sitting around to play video games and eat junk food.

A study says that one in five Alzheimer’s Disease cases may be misdiagnosed. The other four were determined to be correct when the patient couldn’t remember what they were being tested for.

A study says half of Americans sleep less than seven hours a night. Mostly because it’s hard to fall asleep in bed for more than that after spending the other 17 hours of the day lying around on the couch.

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott has been acquitted of DUI. Apparently he passed the litmus test of intoxication for Texas quarterbacks with a reading of less than three tenths of a Manziel.

Hall of Fame defensive end Warren Sapp was reportedly bitten by a shark while lobstering in the Florida Keys. When asked if he was afraid during the attack, he reminded reporters that as a Raider he survived living four years in Oakland.

A report says the Los Angeles Clippers are considering leaving the Staples Center for their own arena. Their only other option at this point is to make some extra money by leasing out the other 19,995 seats that aren’t used when they are playing there.

A report says the Los Angeles Clippers are considering leaving the Staples Center for their own arena. Their current lease runs out in 2024. They will look at moving out after that if billionaire owner Steve Ballmer hasn’t run out of money by then supporting the team.

The owner of the web address ClintonKaine.com wants $90,000 for the site. He is wasting his talents. Anyone who picked the Democratic ticket of Hillary Clinton and Tim Kaine back in 2011 should be putting his skills to work picking lottery numbers.

Apple says it has sold 1 Billion IPhones. Which means they are also responsible for 2 Million sore, arthritic and permanently disabled thumbs.

Apple says it has sold 1 Billion IPhones. Which means when the FBI finally figures out how to break into that first one, they will just have 999,999,999 left to go.

Joe Biden spoke at the Democratic convention, saying “we own the finish line.” Which is usually at least a three hours’ journey to cross any time Biden starts to talk.

Khloe Kardashian says she had a “horrible time” working with Donald Trump on “Celebrity Apprentice.” Which may cause people to rethink voting for a President who completely annoyed someone who is able to get along just fine with the likes of Kim Kardashian, Bruce, Jenner and Kanye West.

A San Francisco man saw the rent on his apartment raised from $1,800 to $8,000 a month. The good news is that he has since found a box for a double door Amana refrigerator at the Wharf that is only asking $2,400 a month.

A San Francisco man saw the rent on his apartment raised from $1,800 to $8,000 a month It turns out he will be able to cover the increase by buying a coffee maker and not going for his daily coffee at the Starbucks across the street anymore.

The O’Jays are asking a Republican congressman to stop using their song “For The Love Of Money” as a campaign song. Mostly because they think it would be much more fitting for someone in Congress to instead use their song “Back Stabbers.”

Sandy Pearlman, who produced the group Blue Oyster Cult has died at age 72. His last words were “More…Cow…Bell!”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The good news from last night’s Democratic convention is that Tim Kaine is ready to take on the role of Vice President. During his speech, even Joe Biden was looking at his watch saying “How long is this guy going to talk?” Thankfully, tonight is the last night. Then we can get into the really nasty stuff that will take us up to election day. That is, unless before then the inevitable civil war breaks out. I know that no such acrimony is present on this blog, and the best way to keep proving it is taking the time to make sure to keep on sending the love!



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