Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

TV psychic Miss Cleo has died at age 53. The sad part is that she never saw it coming.

A survey says the average pot user spends $647 a year on marijuana. Which is nothing compared to the $23,000 they spend on pizza, Oreos and Doritos.

A survey says the average pot user spends $647 a year on marijuana. People were surprised. Most the pot smokers they know never hold a job long enough to make $647.

A report says the Golden Years are being redefined as more people work well into their retirement. Now the Golden Years refers to the years they had gold before they turned 50 and were laid off.

A report says a majority of Americans are worried that scientific advancements will be used to enhance humans abilities, like genetic editing and brain chip implants. Although they come around when they realize it means being healthy and smarter without actually having to exercise or open a book.

A study says a loss of the ability to smell may indicate the onset of Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially when the patient is the only one who isn’t able to realize they have forgotten to change their underwear for the past ten days.

An app allows people to check out the male to female ratio at local bars. Or as that used to be called, going inside and looking around.

An app allows people to check out the male to female ratio at local bars. Although for women, it is not always a good sign when the bar is overwhelmingly male, especially when all the people going inside are dressed up like the Village People.

UK banks are threatening to start charging customers for deposits as interest rates are going negative. To which anyone who has joined the work force after 2008 is asking “What’s a deposit?”

A UN agency says the economy of Latin America and the Caribbean is still sliding. Which is still a much better term than what is still being used by the rest of the world to describe their finances, like “crashing,” “imploding” and “free falling.”

A UN agency says the economy of Latin America and the Caribbean is still sliding. Which is what can be expected when your entire financial system is based on selling the rest of the world coffee, bananas and rum.

The Nigerian central bank has hiked its interest rate to 14%. Mostly to try to compete with the interest rate of 600,000% promised by Nigerian princes by just sending them a good faith check for $7,000.

ADHD is now claimed to be a specific disability under federal civil rights law, which protects students from discrimination. Which means kids now know they will still be able to graduate high school even while spending their whole day walking around campus playing Pokemon Go.

President Obama has put the FBI in charge of the nation’s cybersecurity. Which they will monitor diligently just as soon as they can get a 12 year old hacker to train their agents on how to crack the password on an iPhone.

Airbnb is telling politicians that Millennials love the “sharing economy.” Mostly because they have to share as even with a college degree they aren’t making enough money to buy anything of their own.

Fiat Chrysler says its reported six year streak in sales increases actually only lasted three years and ended back in 2013. Mostly because 2013 was the last year any of the cars they sold from the previous three years were still actually road worthy.

The Democratic convention had a reported 23 Million viewers on its first night. Mostly from hockey fans who wanted to catch up on all the fighting they have missed since the NHL season ended in June.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has joined a Defense Department advisory board. Which makes you wonder if he has some sort of ulterior motive in his plan to some day have drones make all the company’s deliveries by air.

A report says that hackers are preying on U.S. companies to steal money and send it to China and Hong Kong. Apparently the cash is used to give raises to all the people working there in the jobs that were stolen from us by China and Hong Kong.

Dr. Neil Clark Warren is stepping down as CEO and spokesman for dating site eHarmony.com. The sad part is that the breakup was done by text and he found out by coming home and seeing his clothes thrown out in the front yard.

Dr. Neil Clark Warren is stepping down as CEO and spokesman for dating site eHarmony.com. No reason was given for the split, just the usual “he said they said.”

A Nike ad features a spokesman giving a speech to babies about unfairness, ambition and triumph. Which is different from the speech given by Nike to babies in China which tells them to get back to work sewing shoes or they won’t get paid their 67 cent a day salary.

A report says that Americans are spending more time on social media but are less satisfied. Apparently many people find it tiring to keep making up stories about how great their life is to compete with everyone else’s lies about how well they are doing.

A study says 26% of desktop computer users turn on an adblock. Which was determined because researchers could only reach 74% of the people they kept trying to contact for their survey.

A study says 26% of desktop computer users turn on an adblock. The other 74% either don’t know how to do it or don’t mind the occasional pop up ad while they are watching Internet porn.

A study says 26% of desktop computer users turn on an adblock. Researchers were surprised. They had no idea that a quarter of people who still use desktops are young enough to even know what an adblock is.

A poll says that American confidence in the economy remains at its lowest point in 2016. Which for each week is still pretty much at the same zero it’s been at since January 1st.

A study says that C-Sections and induced births are on the decline in the U.S. Mostly because of the rising deductibles and co-pays most health insurance plans are demanding women have gone back to having their babies in the more traditional location in the back seat of a taxi cab.

A study says that humans have gotten taller over the past 100 years. The bad part is they are also much taller than they were measuring their height while they are lying down.

A Texas dentist has survived a shark attack while swimming in the Bahamas. Apparently the shark knew he was a dentist and after biting him swam away yelling out “That’s for Cecil!”

A Texas dentist has survived a shark attack while swimming in the Bahamas. A lawyer swimming nearby was untouched, crediting his escaping a similar attack as “professional courtesy.”

A study says exercise may work as well surgery for knee injuries. Mostly from the fact that if people would get off the couch once in awhile and didn’t weigh 300 pounds, their knees wouldn’t get worn out from carrying them around in the first place.

Scientists say that binge watching TV could be deadly for people. Mostly because people spend their time binge watching while they are also binge eating and binge drinking.

A study says that Americans stopped growing taller 20 years ago. Mostly because they have instead been spending their time since then concentrating more on growing wider.

Pregnant women in the UK have been told it is OK to eat eggs without worrying about health risks. Mostly because no matter what bacteria is inside eggs, it can’t be as bad for a baby as when a pregnant mother keeps eating haggis instead.

A study says Americans have grown less in height compared with other nations. Although there may have been some confusion as the research was conducted on payday when most Americans always complain they are a little short.

Kylie Jenner has announced her new eye shadow collection. Which is not to be confused with her sister Kim Kardashian’s new product to enhance the backside called Moon Shadow.

A production company has pleaded guilty over safety issues that resulted in an accident that broke Harrison Ford’s leg. Although since that happened, at least actors can now feel OK about wishing their fellow performers good luck.

A production company has pleaded guilty over safety issues that resulted in an accident that broke Harrison Ford’s leg. Apparently they should have known to clear a wider aisle for him to get through the scene while using his walker.

Donald Trump has been told by producers to stop using the music from the movie “Air Force One.” The sad thing is that he has already been told to stop using copyrighted music by so many people, his campaign theme will soon be limited to “London Bridge.”

Mila Kunis says about her movie “Jupiter Ascending” says she would “rather eat cow tongue” than explain the plot. Which made people wonder if that was some sort of Freudian reference about what it’s like making out with her husband Ashton Kutcher.

Pete Carroll has been given a three year contract extension with the Seattle Seahawks. Which gives him 48 more games along with the post season to show he can actually call a successful game ending play.

Roger Federer has pulled out of the Rio Olympics as well as the rest of the season with a knee injury. Apparently he hurt his knee preparing for the Olympics by going around trying to stomp mosquitos.

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is refusing to admit that concussions are related to brain injuries. Just like he also feels that hockey players lose all their teeth because they just keep refusing to floss.

The Hancock Belt awarded to Roger Maris in 1961 as well as other awards were stolen from a museum in Fargo, North Dakota. Apparently the thief was upset the belt didn’t have a buckle that was oversized and featured a logo for Jack Daniel’s.

Brett Favre’s wife Deanna will present him at his induction into the Hall of Fame. She was the only one willing to do it because everyone else was worried about having their introduction cut short when he decides to announce another comeback.

Donald Trump has threatened to not pay a hotel bill because he claims the air conditioner in the room he rented wasn’t working. Which finally gives a peek at how Trump’s history of not paying bills will work to erase our national debt when he informs all the countries who loaned us money that he will see them in court.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! How about that speech last night by Bill Clinton? People were amazed. He took the podium and gave it up in under four hours. Either he is just getting too old to deliver a filibuster style talk or he had a hot date waiting in the wings. Or both. All I know is there are two more days left in the Democratic convention and then things really get nasty through November. It’s nice to have something to look forward to. Pretty much the way I always look forward every day to when you all take the time to remember to keep sending the love!


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