Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Tech experts are predicting that computers will use more energy than the world can produce by 2040. And that will be just for what it will take to program all the latest updates for Pokemon Go.

Tech experts are predicting that computers will use more energy than the world can produce by 2040. Mostly because they will all be programmed to work overtime to find ways to waste less energy.

Tech experts are predicting that computers will use more energy than the world can produce by 2040. As opposed to now when most the energy produced in the world is used to operate refrigerators, microwave ovens and deep fryers.

Tech experts are predicting that computers will use more energy than the world can produce by 2040. By then, their insatiable appetite could mean the contestants for the 35th season of “The Biggest Loser” will be HAL, Deep Blue and Watson.

An Indonesian restaurant is serving its food out of table top latrines. Or as Taco Bell calls that, cutting out the middle man.

A new trend in TV is naked dating shows. Apparently the shows are easier to make without producers having to go through and edit out all that awkward conversation stuff.

A report says that more doctors are moving their offices into shopping malls. Mostly because people find scheduling a colonoscopy find the experience more enjoyable than dealing with the sales staff at Abercrombie & Fitch.

China has banned Internet news reporting as part of a media crackdown. To which most Americans were surprised there was actually something else online besides Facebook, Netflix and porn.

The Mark Hotel in New York City is offering the most expensive hotel room in the world at $75,000 a night. Which explains the name of the hotel as anyone who gets talked into paying that much for a room is identified by staffers as “the mark.”

The Mark Hotel in New York City is offering the most expensive hotel room in the world at $75,000 a night. It’s so exclusive, the chocolate that is put on the pillow comes from a Hershey bar stolen right out of the fingers of England’s Prince George.

A cyberbullying craze called “roasting” involves teenagers using mobile apps to bombard their victim with insults. Or as adults know that, the 2016 presidential campaigns.

People lined up outside a New York bakery to buy cronuts were reportedly unfazed by the body of a dead man on a nearby bench. The worst part is the cause of death was morbid obesity and diabetes from eating nothing but cronuts.

A Florida man reportedly attacked his mother for bringing him home dinner from Chick-fil-A. It turns out the fried chicken wasn’t the only thing that ended up getting battered.

An analyst has downgraded Apple stock, saying he feels it has “peaked.” Which is also what stock experts said about the company in 1987, 1998, 2004, 2009…

A former banana importer in New York has been sentenced to prison for stealing money from his employees’ retirement fund. He is hoping to stay out on bail while his case is on a-peel.

A report says Chipotle is blaming higher wages on a recent slump in profits. Especially the higher wages paid to all the Emergency Room staffers working overtime to treat all the E.coli cases from people who ate at Chipotle.

7-Eleven has made the first commercial drone delivery in Reno, Nevada. The only problem is that dropping a 7-Eleven hot dog onto a residence from the air may mean the operation will be reclassified as biological warfare.

A new app reportedly lets dog owners find someone who will pick up their pet’s poop. Apparently there are people who will take on the job as it is the natural pathway to a career as White House Press Secretary.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has outlined a plan to court premium coffee drinkers. Or as most people know finding people who will pay outrageous prices for a cup of coffee, the Starbucks business model.

“Shark Tank” star Daymond John says high tech hearing aids changed his life. Mostly making it much more bearable while he is on the “Shark Tank” set to be able to turn down the volume every time Mark Cuban opens his mouth.

A study says diagnosing bipolar disorder can take up to six years. Mostly depending on whether the therapist is trying to pay off a new Mercedes Benz or a vacation beach home.

A study says diagnosing bipolar disorder can take up to six years. Apparently the therapist needs the first five years to make sure the patient just isn’t a completely self-centered, unbearable douche bag.

The American Red Cross is pleading for donors as the blood supply has fallen below five days’ need. Fortunately, it is far enough past April 15th so that people aren’t still giving all the blood they have in their system to the IRS.

The first American to undergo a double hand transplant says they don’t work and he would like them removed. Although there is still one option left for him as a receiver for the New York Jets.

Scientists and artists have “designed” the human most likely to survive a car crash. The person would have a flat face, no neck and a large head. Or they could just eliminate the thumbs so there would be no texting while driving which caused the accident in the first place.

A study says medical marijuana has the potential to be a treatment for Alzheimer’s Disease. Mostly because after three bong hits of high potency pot where the patient forgets their name, where they are and what they were doing, what’s the difference?

A study says memory loss is not always the first sign of dementia. Other symptoms include losing interest in activities, becoming aggressive and I forget the third.

Tim LaHaye, co-author of the “Left Behind” novels has died at age 90. The embarrassing part was when they got to the cemetery, the hearse driver remembered he forgot the coffin back at the church.

Ozzy Osbourne says of his marriage that “some days it’s terrible.” Mostly the ones where his wife Sharon makes sure he stays sober all day.

Ozzy Osbourne says of his marriage that “some days it’s terrible.” He says he is going to tell his wife right to her face, just as soon as he can remember her name.

Major League Baseball will start offering free live stream games on Twitter. Which for Atlanta fans will pretty much consist of one tweet saying “Braves lose again.”

The Solar Impulse 2 airplane completed the first around the world flight using only solar energy in just over a year. Or as United Airlines calls an around the world flight in 16 months, “on schedule.”

Amazon has gotten permission from the UK to test delivery drones. The tests will consist of cargo that is low priority and more than likely won’t be used by any of the customers. Boxes of dental floss.

Carriers are bracing for huge wireless data loads during the DNC. Mostly from hackers looking to break in to uncover the next batch of embarrassing e-mails sent by the DNC.

Scientists say they are worried that binge watching TV can kill people. Mostly the ones who try to commit suicide after trying to sit through more than two straight episodes of “The Kardashians.”

Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer says she is “open minded” about the future after her company was bought out by Verizon. The deal could net her a $57 Million severance package which means her mind is now open to buying homes in London, Paris, Monaco, Malibu…

A Chicago businessman is selling carry on luggage people can ride on. The bad part is that people can actually get on the bag and ride it from the airport to their final destination faster than they could get their flying United.

Jerry Springer says that Hillary Clinton will get the votes from supporters of Bernie Sanders. Only an election between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump would qualify Jerry Springer as a legitimate political analyst.

Jerry Springer says that Hillary Clinton will get the votes from supporters of Bernie Sanders. And there is also the alternative for people to cast their vote for Springer by going to the polling station and throwing a chair at their cheating spouse.

Pennsylvania Senator Bob Casey says if Donald Trump is the champion of the working people, then Casey is the center for the Philadelphia 76ers. With a record of 10-72 last season, most fans are saying maybe they should give him a tryout.

Demi Lovato gave a speech at the Democratic convention about mental health. Although in this election year it would probably carry more weight if she gave it during the upcoming presidential debates.

Demi Lovato gave a speech at the Democratic convention in Philadelphia about mental health. And what better place to give that talk than the city where they booed the Pope and threw snowballs at Santa Claus?

A study says that violent crime is on the increase in the U.S. And that’s before they are even done with the Democratic convention and the November election.

Comedian Katt Williams has been arrested again for assaulting a woman in Los Angeles. Apparently he has completely gotten the wrong idea of what it means to “kill the audience.”

Comedian Katt Williams has been arrested again for assaulting a woman in Los Angeles. He has completely taken much too literally the idea of delivering a punch line.

Comedian Katt Williams has been arrested again for assaulting a woman in Los Angeles. Not to say he has been arrested a lot lately, but instead of having a manager he just gives 10% of what he makes to his bail bondsman.

Kim Kardashian has revealed the first words of her son, Saint West. Apparently they were something along the lines of “I’m ready for my closeup.”

Kim Kardashian has revealed the first words of her son, Saint West. Apparently it was something like “Don’t try to put that binky in my mouth until we have a sponsorship for it.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, if the GOP convention wasn’t enough of a zoo, leave it to the Democrats to try to one up them. There were fewer boos of the candidates than if Donald Trump stopped by to say a few words. The good news is that there will be just three more days of this insanity. The bad news is that it will be replaced by four months of even more insanity with the final campaign. The Democrats are holding their convention in the City of Brotherly Love. Which means you can all get on board with their message by making sure to log in here and remembering to keep on always sending the love!


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