Sunday, July 24, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Wikileaks has released 20,000 e-mails hacked from the DNC that were anti-Bernie Sanders. Apparently the DNC favored the nomination of Hillary Clinton and like her figured what can possibly go wrong with sending out a few e-mails?

Wikileaks has released 20,000 e-mails hacked from the DNC that were anti-Bernie Sanders. Some of the e-mails questioned his atheism. Even Donald Trump was asking how low they would go to try to destroy an opponent.

Vermont doctors are pushing back against an assisted suicide law in the state. Although the reason most of their patients who want to end their lives are doing so because they have lived through one too many winters in Vermont.

A survey says one in three children 8-15 worry about money. Mostly because all those video games and snacks they go through while sitting on the couch all day don’t just grow on trees.

A survey says one in three children 8-15 worry about money. The other two have put it out of their minds that they will be in debt for the next 40 years by deciding not to go to college.

A service in Japan allows people to “rent” men for a price who will sit and listen to them. Or as we call that in the U.S., “therapy.”

A service in Japan allows people to “rent” men for a price who will sit and listen to them. To which American women are saying they will believe that when they see it.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz says social and political turmoil has put pressure on U.S. consumers. Although not quite as much as the pressure put on consumers to have any money left for purchases after getting their monthly bill from Starbucks.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz says social and political turmoil has put pressure on U.S. consumers. Which probably isn’t helped by their anxiety level going through the roof with the amount of caffeine in one large double mocha latte espresso.

A Chicago man was arrested in connection with several robberies after being identified by DNA left on a half eaten hamburger. The irony is that his life sentence would have been a lot shorter if he would have become morbidly obese from finishing his burgers.

A Colorado town has found out that it’s water supply was not laced with marijuana ingredient THC as was feared. The bad part is they lost interest from possible factories being built in the town by Oreos, Doritos and Hostess Twinkies.

A Colorado town has found out that it’s water supply was not laced with marijuana ingredient THC as was feared. Apparently the rumor started when someone saw Miley Cyrus dumping out her bong water in the city’s reservoir.

The TSA says it has confiscated a record number of firearms in carry-ons at airports. Apparently travelers are starting to put guns in their luggage as a diversion so they can get past screeners with containers that have more than three ounces of liquid.

A poll says support is growing for stricter gun laws in the U.S. Even Texans are open to the possibility of limiting a person to carrying no more than five concealed assault rifles and seven semi-automatic handguns at the same time.

A Russian balloonist set a world’s record by flying around the world nonstop in 11 days. Which means he was able to make the journey cheaper, faster and with less missing luggage than if he booked the same trip with United.

A Russian balloonist set a world’s record by flying around the world nonstop in 11 days. Which is great news for all the people looking for improvements in travel technology who are still living in 1887.

The oak tree famous for it’s appearance in the movie “The Shawshank Redemption” has been toppled by a strong wind gust. The tree was remembered by Hollywood for its symbolism, strength and that it was the main inspiration for the acting style of Keanu Reeves.

President Obama says the U.S. was not involved in the Turkish coup. He says if Turkey needed help from the U.S. on how to overthrow a government they would have waited until Donald Trump is elected President.

President Obama says the U.S. was not involved in the Turkish coup. His proof is that like the rest of the world, the White House found out there was a coup in Turkey three weeks after it happened.

Former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke is running for the Senate in Louisiana. Mostly because running in the state that gave us the people from “Duck Dynasty,” he can pretty much label himself as a moderate.

Former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke is running for the Senate in Louisiana on the platform that he will “protect the rights of European-Americans.” Which means without all the other crazy rhetoric he is marketing himself as “Donald Trump light.”

Three Florida residents have been arrested in connection with a scam where the nursing homes they ran bilked Medicare out of $1 Billion. Which is otherwise known in the retirement home business as the business model.

A series of attacks on malls around the world has caused mall owners to increase security. Although the U.S. is safe as mall operators here know the terrorists would never even try to get into a turf war with the typical American teenage mall rats.

The four largest U.S. airlines made a record second quarter profit of $3.9 Billion. Which could be even higher as soon as United gives its total after they finally complete all their flights that originated in the first quarter.

The four largest U.S. airlines made a record second quarter profit of $3.9 Billion. Which will go up even more next quarter once the airlines start charging passengers   the latest new fees for seatbelts, tray tables and breathable air.

California will start charging fees for railroad cars that are carrying dangerous chemicals. Which means it could amount to several thousand dollars in surcharges if Ozzy Osbourne ever books a trip on Amtrak.

TGI Friday’s is airing commercials based on the popularity of the hit musical “Hamilton.” Apparently they got the idea from how well Korean restaurants did years ago when they were able to tie in to the success of the Broadway run of “Cats.”

A survey says half of all Americans play state lotteries. Or as most people call that, their retirement plan.

A survey says half of all Americans play state lotteries. The other half works hard, saves their money and invests well and pretty much has the same chance of ever making enough money to retire.

A man is reportedly doing well after becoming the first in the UK to undergo a double hand transplant. Doctors performed the surgery so he would be able to use both hands equally well to get to his wallet to pay all his hospital bills.

A man is reportedly doing well after becoming the first in the UK to undergo a double hand transplant. Ironically, the same procedure is performed in the Middle East to replace the hands of people who lose them after they are caught stealing money to pay their medical bills.

A study says people who smoke less tobacco tend to drink less alcohol. Mostly because after cutting back on cigarettes, they don’t drink as much because they are less depressed about dying young from smoking.

A study says smoking is linked to an increase in the risk of brain bleeding. Mostly from militant non-smokers who scream in their ear to “Put that out!”

Oliver Stone says of Donald Trump’s cameo appearance in the sequel to “Wall Street” that he was a bad actor with supreme confidence. Which is exactly what people were saying after they saw his GOP convention acceptance speech.

Oliver Stone says of Donald Trump’s cameo appearance in the sequel to “Wall Street” that he was a bad actor with supreme confidence. Which is why Trump is being described less as a politician and more as a confidence man.

The President of the WNBA says social activism is OK but should be kept off the court. Mostly because by taking their protests somewhere other than at a WNBA game, there is a much better chance that there will actually be some people around to see them.

The Denver Broncos are reportedly having problems finding a new sponsor for their stadium in the wake of the Sports Authority going bankrupt. So far they have an offer from a marijuana dispensary, which means the site would just go back to its old name of Mile High Stadium.

The Denver Broncos are reportedly having problems finding a new sponsor for their stadium in the wake of the Sports Authority going bankrupt. So far they have an offer from a marijuana dispensary, with suggestions the stadium could be called “420,” “The Joint” or just be named after the Doobie Brothers.

A report says the proposed Apple iCar could be pushed back in production another year until 2021. Mostly so Apple can speed things up for the inevitable push the next year to come up with the iCars 2, 3, 4, and 5.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has become the world’s third richest person, passing Warren Buffet with $65 Billion. Buffett was determined to get his second place standing back by saving money buying all his unnecessary purchases through Amazon.com.

A reporter was caught playing Pokemon Go during a State Department briefing on ISIS. The reporter claims they were doing research after Home Security declared Pikachu a state sponsor of terrorism.

A reporter was caught playing Pokemon Go during a State Department briefing on ISIS. Mostly because they were just killing time waiting for the State Department to give some information on something the Washington media considers really important, like Hillary Clinton’s e-mails.

A report reveals the identity of the woman for whom Vincent Van Gogh cut off his ear. Apparently she was a Shakespearean actress who was practicing for “Julius Caesar” and read the line “lend me your ears.”

Smartphone maker Samsung is suing rival Huawei for patent infringement. Not only that, the state of Hawaii is now looking into the possibility of a lawsuit over copyright violation.

Apple says it will start making Olympic themed Apple Watch bands. So far the most in demand are the ones representing the Zika virus , polluted Olympic waterways and Brazilian political unrest.

Two Iowa men have been sentenced to two years in prison for gun threats against the Pokemon World Championships. Apparently they were upset that Pokemon Go won’t be available in Iowa for another four years until developers can figure out how to code Charizard into a corn field.

Pokemon Go has launched in Japan, sponsored by McDonald’s. Once players find all the Pokemon monsters, they face the even more difficult task of locating any actual beef inside a Big Mac.

Scientists say there could be up to one year of warning in advance of a catastrophic volcano eruption. Now if they could only figure out how to get even a few hours lead time for Mel Gibson.

Edward Snowden is reportedly working on an anti-surveillance smartphone. It’s for people who are afraid the government is monitoring their whereabouts, want to keep personal information from being stolen and need to make sure no one else can see where they found Charizard while playing Pokemon Go.

A judge has denied a bid to dismiss a lawsuit by unhappy customers against Trump University. The only question is how unhappy voters will be able to take back their votes after they elect Donald Trump President in November.

President Obama has vetoed cuts to the expense accounts of former Presidents. Mostly because he realizes he will need all the money he can get as he will be out of a job with two college age daughters in just six more months.

President Obama has vetoed cuts to the expense accounts of former Presidents. Apparently Congress tried to lower the payments when they found that Bill Clinton is using taxpayer money to fund trips to strip clubs as “intern interviews.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, we made it through the GOP convention. Now we get this week to see what the Democrats are throwing our way. While I suspect there will be a lot of available comedy material, I think when it is over a lot of people will be shocked with the realization that our next President will either be Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. But don’t look to me for any help. I am the guy who thought John Edwards was the one in 2008 and look where that ended up going. I just try to stick to writing the jokes and let the voters give me the material. And of course I always leave it to you to inspire me even more when you all remember to keep sending the love!


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