Friday, July 22, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A TSA worker in Seattle has been arrested on voyeurism charges. The agency says if employees want to take naked pictures of airport travelers they should just volunteer to operate the body scanners.

A California man was caught putting a chemical weapon inside a Wal-Mart. Store managers became suspicious when they detected an different odor and knew it wasn’t a typical case of a customer using the restroom to build a meth lab.

The new $12.9 Billion U.S. Navy supercarrier USS Gerald R. Ford is reportedly struggling with jets taking off and landing. To acknowledge the problem, the Navy is considering changing the name to the USS O’Hare International Airport.

A Japanese life insurance company is selling policies using robots. Apparently the policies cover being killed by a falling drone, being run over by a self-driving car or tripping over a Roomba.

Turkey has declared a state of emergency following a failed coup, suspending
A European pact protecting the country’s human rights. Political experts were caught by surprise. Turkey has a human rights policy?

A study says people feel the ideal number of previous sexual partners for women is 16 and for men 15. The only problem is that married men consider previous sexual partners the number of women they slept with before they got caught.

Dating app Tinder has a new feature that lets people go out on group dates. Which is being challenged for a copyright violation by extramarital affairs site Ashley Madison who says “We thought of it first!”

Scientists and artists have sculpted the perfect human specimen to survive a high speed car crash, with a giant head, no neck and a concave face. Or it could just have two hands which allow it to be able to fasten a seat belt.

Scientists and artists have sculpted the perfect human specimen to survive a high speed car crash, with a giant head, no neck and a concave face. Which ironically pretty much fits the description of the average NASCAR fan.

Peter McNicol’s Emmy nomination for Best Guest Actor in a Comedy for “Veep” has been revoked because he made too many appearances. Also because the Television Academy realized after “The New Adventures of Old Christine” that it would be a stretch to call any show with Julia Louis-Dreyfus a “comedy.”

A sex tape featuring a Virgin Islands delegate to the U.S. Congress and her husband was leaked online by hackers. Congressional experts were shocked. They never heard of someone in Washington wasting perfectly good video tape on sex that included their spouse.

A report says Major League Baseball is considering limiting the use of relief pitchers. Although there will be resistance from both broadcasters and fans who consider pitching changes the best time for commercial breaks and trips to the bathroom.

A report says Major League Baseball is considering limiting the use of relief pitchers. The move is being challenged by the Cincinnati Reds who say curbing their bullpen will make it tough for them to have any games that get past the second inning.

Actor Michael Caine says he is legally changing his name from Maurice Micklewhite to avoid being questioned at airports for having a different name on his passport. Also because the TSA knows that the most common name on the list of suspected terrorists is by far and away “Micklewhite.”

Actor Michael Caine says he is legally changing his name from Maurice Micklewhite to avoid being questioned at airports for having a different name on his passport. It follows the legal name change by Adam Sandler to keep TSA agents and passengers at airports from always asking for a refund of the $8 they paid to see “Jack And Jill.”

Donald Trump had an awkward moment at the GOP convention when he gave an air kiss to running mate Mike Pence. Although viewers were just relieved that it didn’t turn into another VMA Awards moment between Madonna and Britney Spears.

Justin Bieber is disputing his neighbors’ claims that they are still suffering from the 2014 incident where he egged their house. The couple would have more credibility if like everyone else claimed their suffering came from Bieber’s singing.

Fox News CEO Roger Ailes has resigned over allegations of sexual harassment. People were surprised. Most Fox viewers have been conditioned to think the only way to handle sexual misconduct is through impeachment.

GM says it is recalling 4.3 Million vehicles because of Takata airbags. Industry experts were surprised. There are still 4.3 Million GM vehicles on the road that aren’t already in the shop for another recall?

J.P. Morgan has been ordered to pay $200 Million to settle Asian hiring probes. In a related story, disputes about Asian hiring practices will cost Nike as much as another 67 cents.

A report says Hillary Clinton could name her running mate as early as today. The only problem is that it could take several weeks to actually see who it is after all the investigations that will take place after she makes the announcement by e-mail.

McDonald’s has stopped selling Big Macs in Venezuela because of bread shortages. Fortunately, the restaurant chain was able to keep serving their hamburgers because the only food shortages in the country involved beef.

The world’s last remaining VCR maker says they will stop production in August. Which is sad because their engineers finally figured out a way to stop the devices’ clocks from perpetually displaying a flashing “12:00.”

The most successful impersonator of Donald Trump claims to be making $40,000 a month in personal appearances. Which if he really is an expert at impersonating Trump, means his monthly income is probably closer to $375.

The most successful impersonator of Donald Trump claims to be making $40,000 a month in personal appearances. He is so good at mimicking Trump, he is on a first name basis with all the workers at the bankruptcy court.

The Census Bureau says the county where people are most likely to die young is Kusilvak in Alaska. Mostly because the last words spoken between a mother and her children is “Don’t forget your coat!”

A report says existing home sales were at a nine year high in June. Mostly because ever since 2008, people who had taken out subprime mortgages realized as far as they were concerned the home they bought no longer existed.

A study says that 1 in 10 Americans have experienced tinnitus. The most recent case involving Ted Cruz whose ears are still ringing after being booed off the GOP convention stage.

The Mayor of Turin, Italy wants her city to become the first to be totally vegetarian. Which is not to be confused with every city in Mississippi where every resident spends all their time on the couch vegging away.

A study says people naturally compare their performances with others. Except for people are long time, die-hard Cubs fans.

A study says teenage girls who participate in sports may not be eating enough to avoid health problems. At least ever since people started considering being a super model a sport.

A study says that Alzheimer’s Disease may hamper a person’s ability to feel pain. Which is good for the people who keep forgetting that the tree in their front yard they like to sit under has a hornets nest.

A study says background noise can interfere with a toddler’s ability to learn new words. Meaning if parents don’t turn down the volume on the TV set and computer, there kids won’t be able to learn words like “Pikachu” and “Charizard” on their cellphone when they play Pokemon Go.

A study says living past age 90 doesn’t mean a person will necessarily suffer from disease and disability. Which is good news for most Americans who need to stay in good health at least until they can finally afford to retire at age 93.

A report says the government heavily subsidizes the crops that most often wind up as the ingredients in junk food. Which finally explains the origin of the term “big government.”

A report says the government heavily subsidizes the crops that most often wind up as the ingredients in junk food. Mostly because the Agriculture Department feels there is no need to add to the $3 that is spent by Americans every year on broccoli.

Two preschoolers have been hospitalized and 70 others exposed to an outbreak of E.coli at a Washington State School. No one had any idea that cafeteria meals were being outsourced to Chipotle.

Christie Brinkley, on her appearance at age 62 says “I’m doing the best I can.” Apparently it was so much easier to look beautiful when she was younger, especially by comparison when she was photographed next to her husband Billy Joel.

Christie Brinkley, on her appearance at age 62 says “I’m doing the best I can.” It’s just sad to see someone who used to be drop-dead gorgeous now having to get through life being only extremely beautiful.

Director Oliver Stone compared Pokemon Go to “totalitarianism.” No one even realized that when their children were holding out a stiff arm they were giving the Nazi salute to Pikachu.

Wonder Woman is getting her own postage stamp. The Post Office wanted to feature a female super hero and decided it would be better judgment to exclude their other option of using former Saturday morning TV show heroine “Isis.”

Wonder Woman is getting her own postage stamp. Mostly because Postal customers identify with Wonder Woman when they go to the mail box and wonder what happened to all their deliveries.

Ringo Starr says he wants to perform with Paul McCartney again. The only problem is that at age 76 he is no longer known on stage as one of the boys from Liverpool as much as one of the old men with liver spots.

Roger Goodell has reportedly hired image consultant Joe Lockhart who worked with Bill Clinton after his impeachment. Although Goodell has questioned Lockhart’s first suggestion of getting back in the public eye going on a dinner date with Monica Lewinsky.

Roger Goodell has reportedly hired image consultant Joe Lockhart who worked with Bill Clinton after his impeachment. Apparently Goodell has felt down after battling Tom Brady, almost like his image has somehow had the air let right out of it.

Basketball players at George Washington University say they were verbally abused by their coach. Or as verbal abuse is called by Bobby Knight, vocal warmups.

Basketball players at George Washington University say they were verbally abused by their coach. While coach Mike Lonergan says he may have been a bit harsh with the players, at his time with George Washington at least he never told a lie.

An ancient Roman soldier wearing an ornate belt was discovered in a UK grave. To which fans of the WWE assumed that wearing a decorative belt means that he must have been a former champ who was buried by The Undertaker.

Donald Trump accepted his nomination with a speech at the GOP convention Thursday night. Or as long time Republicans are referring to the time between now and the November election, “The Hangover Part IV.”

Donald Trump accepted his nomination with a speech at the GOP convention Thursday night. Not to say he was long winded, but people in the audience were referring to the length of his speech when they began yelling “Four more years!”

A heat wave in the central and eastern U.S. will bring triple digit heat through the weekend. Fortunately, the source of the inferno ended when Donald Trump finally wrapped up his acceptance speech and closed down the GOP convention.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The GOP convention sadly ended, taking with it most of my material over the past week. It also pretty much took with it any chance of the Republicans getting back into the White House over the next three decades. Even the Clintons were saying “Have you ever seen so much squabbling under the same roof?” The good news is the material will be free flowing again next week when the Democrats try to see if they can actually get along with each other for four straight days. Too bad our politicians can’t be as close as we are, especially when you let me know how you feel by remembering to always send the love!


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